1. She makes bizarro YouTube clips with Gwyneth Paltrow.

See above. According to Jacob Bernstein's Daily Beast piece, Anderson and Gwynnie are still BFFs, and in 2008 they made this weird little promo together (apparently with the help of Oprah's production company) appeared on Oprah together. Note Gwyneth's grim-eyed stare as she tells the camera, "I work out six days a week." Also note what she perceives as her options: "when you're 35, you either starve yourself, or you do serious cardio. But there's no free ride." I get that Gwyneth's job dictates that she have what Anderson calls "a teeny-tiny body," but what's with the second person? When I turn 35, I'm heartily looking forward to neither starving myself nor working out with Tracy Anderson. Also, one YouTube commenter says Anderson's workouts will leave you "looking like skeletors nutsack," which I guess is body-snark but is also too awesome not to quote.

2. She even steals from herself.

In 2007, Anderson didn't have enough money to outfit her LA studio. So she just started taking machines from the Indianapolis facility. As the machines disappeared one by one, she told her Indianapolis clients "the studio was simply undergoing maintenance." Then one day her customers arrived for a class and the studio was completely empty. Invisible treadmills!

3. She never went to Juilliard, worked on music videos, appeared in Cats, or was sponsored by Carnation Instant Breakfast.

She claims to have done all of the above, but the Daily Beast could find no proof of anything in this grab-bag of impressive and unimpressive credentials (Carnation Instant Breakfast?). Tracy Anderson also did not invent the question mark, has not seen Obama's original birth certificate, and cannot turn water into wine.

4. She calls going to jail "bummer times."

In 2006, Anderson was very briefly jailed for the Dickensian crime of failing to pay the chimney sweep. The Indianapolis Monthly and The Daily Beast both persuasively accuse her of living a lavish lifestyle while ignoring her bills, but here's how she describes the whole experience on her website:

There was a period of about 4 years in my life when I went through several "bummer times." During this period, I got myself into an unfortunate situation in which several negative events happened to me because I let someone else take control of every aspect of my life from finances to business documents. My misguided trust led me to take on challenges I would never have dreamed of facing, and these events affected not only my business, but also my personal life and emotions.

That "someone else" is presumably Glynn Barber, an ex-boyfriend whose own version of events is that Anderson convinced him to invest in her business and then bled him dry. It's a little hard to tell who is telling the truth about their relationship, but Anderson wants us to know her side — for our own good. She writes,

To anyone reading this who has felt hopeless or alone, I hope that my story can help you start to find the inner strength that you need to overcome and start healing, because no one else can give you the strength that you can give to yourself.

Tracy Anderson: firming the glutes, uplifting the soul.

Madonna's Trainer Fights Back [The Daily Beast]
Tracy Anderson Method [Official Site]
Tracy Anderson Method : Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Workout [YouTube]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan
Celeb Trainer Tracy Anderson Wants To Give Everyone A "Teeny-Tiny" Body

Right off the bat, Finke admits she's not into lists, writing:

"Last year I was on Elle's Women in Hollywood power list; this year I was asked to write it. That's ironic, because I hate power lists more than one-size-fits-all spa robes. These influential jobs are not necessarily comparable. Are the casting directors I included more important than the cinematographers and film editors I didn't? So what I have is a very subjective roster of women I deem essential to a town run by alpha males who don't play well with others. Women in general do."

The List is split up into sections; there's The Movie Executives; The TV Executives; the awfully titled "The Wives & Daughters." But first and foremost there's The Talent — which includes Tyra Banks, Beyoncé, director Kathyrn Bigelow, Miley Cyrus, Ellen DeGeneres and Tina Fey. Also on that list? Michael Patrick King, whom Finke calls "2009's honorary female." Finke explains:

He gave us the best years of Sex and the City on TV and can be credited for reviving the chick flick in Hollywood when the movie version grossed $415 million.

The commenters on Women In Hollywood are split. One writes:

I just dislike that she left out a woman in order to include Michael Patrick King as an "honorary female". It is not good to be told that a man knows and produces women's films better than women.

But another replies:

That bugged me as well… but then I thought, well… It's the biggest film starring a cast of women of all time. He may not be a woman, but his film surely did something great for women in Hollywood, especially with a cast of women 40+.

Here's the question: If a man sympathetic to women is in power, is it as good as a woman in power? I'm going to go with: No. Because the more women pulling strings and making executive decisions the better. But since Finke makes a point about the SATC franchise being a powerhouse — and generates some buzz by including a man — she gets a pass from me. Disagree?

The Most Powerful Women in Hollywood According to Nikki Finke [Women In Hollywood]
Nikki Finke's Power List [Elle.com]
Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood

Earlier: Hollywood Heavy Nikki Finke: Victim Of Misogyny, And Misogynist Extraordinaire

A tipster (unconfirmed) relays the following, from inside the Conde mothership:

— Seven layoffs at Glamour today.
— All layoffs were on the sales side, source unclear if edit will be affected.
— Affected employees were either based in NY or Atlanta offices.
— One of the laid off employees is Danny Roberts, from "The Real World: New Orleans," who was a sales assistant in the Atlanta office.

Wikipedia says that after the show Danny Roberts "returned to Atlanta, Georgia, where he works in publishing." So by internet standards this is totally possibly true! Danny, email us at once. Our readers want to know that you're okay.

UPDATE: One of Danny's Facebook friends emails us he current FB status:

Jason Daniel Roberts is officially part of the Conde Nasty scrap heap...thank God ole mighty, i'm free at last!!"

AM and his girlfriend, Hayley Wood, broke up a little over a week ago, as it turned out. AM had still been experiencing PTSD from the plane crash he and Travis Barker survived a year ago.

Tributes from exes, his music-making partner Travis Barker, and celebrities of all stripes poured out for him over the last few days. And yeah, that's the Palms in Vegas, where he had a residency, dimming their lights for him. 

AM had been working on a show for MTV about drug addiction, something he'd dealt with his entire life. He grew up with it—his father was a drug addict—had been to rehab for it, and finally, was thought to have escaped its grasp. Initial reports are noting that he was indeed found with drugs on him: crack, Xanax, Vicodin and oxycodone. AM had tried to commit suicide once in his life already.

The guy was mostly known for his collaboration with Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker—TRV$ AM—for which they put out mixtapes for free together and went on tour.

AM also made a name for himself mixing rock tracks, earning himself a bit of a cross-over from the pop scene. Here he is, mixing Oasis' "Wonderwall" with M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes."

The cause was bladder cancer, a family spokesman said. The spokesman had initially declined to confirm the death, saying the family had hoped to wait a day before making an announcement so that Mr. Dunne's obituary would not be obscured by the coverage of Senator Edward M. Kennedy's death.

Yes, but his own magazine had an obituary and a tribute up yesterday before 5 p.m.. Not confirming it at that point would seem to be a bit futile.

Still, no one wants to die right after a Kennedy. We suspect there may be as many as four celebrities who are dead right now but refuse to admit it. (Has anyone heard from Gore Vidal lately? There's someone whose pride would cause him to die on a slow news week.)

Dominick Dunne's People Waited So He Wouldn't Be Overshadowed By Ted Kennedy [Notas/Guanabee]

Update: New York Social Diary reported Dunne's passing a little after 3 p.m. yesterday, followed by the Observer and Huffington Post. We're told nearly everyone who knew the news early yesterday was "sworn to 'secrecy.'" VF may have meant to comply with the family's wishes and hold the announcement for a while, but once the news was out on the internet that probably wasn't a option.

The story goes like this: Lohan goes in to get a cup of ice from a bodega. Leaves her BlackBerry on the counter. The guy working the counter runs after her in a cab, tries to give it to her, but asks if she can prove her identity first. She tries to get it back from him, even makes a swipe at it. Now he relents. She calls the cops, but the situation was "diffused" by the time the 5-0 arrived. Here's our lowdown:

Where: On Kenmare, between Mott and Elizabeth, in Little Italy, lies a bodega called the Mott Corner Deli. It's fairly inconspicuous, there's not much to the place. Typical downtown bodega, if not lesser-than-average. Advises a Yelp user:

Since it was past midnight the lazy option prevailed and we went over to Mott Corner (formerly known as Luncheonette) to grab a fish sandwich. Beware of this place! If you eat some of the food they cook there, you'll develop unknown cutaneous reactions. Seriously, it's that bad.

Advises me: if you're dumb enough to eat a fish sammie from a Bodega at 1AM, you deserve whatever "cutaneous reactions" you get. Besides being convenient and occasionally representing a decent cross-section of important foodstuffs, unimportant foodstuffs, and clutch necessities (condoms, beer, ciggarettes, TP, tampons), Bodegas (or "delis" as they're sometimes referred to) are historically known in New York as many a showdown between people of different languages, cultures, dialects, and levels of sobriety.

Who: In the right corner, actress, singer, newfound lesbian Lindsay Lohan, who's shown a recent shift of getting lippy, no? There are few like her. In the left corner, Bodega late shift worker and "counterman" (via the News), Mohammed Hashan. There are many like him, but he is special.

What? Lohan's shown a preference for the BlackBerry Bold. It's the PDA of choice for many a celebrity! It currently retails on Amazon.com for $49.99 with a new service plan, and can cost up to $500 without one. Much greater than the fiscal loss of a BlackBerry is, as everyone knows, the absolute pain in the ass it is to recover that kind of information. Also, she is a "Blackberry Person" as opposed to an "iPhone person," which, I bet you anything, Sam Ronson absolutely is. This is just how these things go, you know? The other "thing" involved? Ice. She was there to get a cup of it when she left her BlackBerry there.

How? It escalated to calling the cops for one of two reasons. The first is that the guy was geniuinely being an asshole, and wouldn't give Lohan her BlackBerry back for his own reasons. The other theory: she flew into a rage after not being recognized by these plebeian nobody.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan's career is still spiraling downward, even after being cast in Robert Rodriguez's new film (probably more for kitsch value than anything else). Because her new lip job went terribly wrong and it's painfully obvious. Because recognition - even at the level of a guy working at a bodega - is important to celebrities who try to skirt it from the people who'd usually recognize them. Because interactions between New York's bodega-working populace and New Yorkers are sometimes strained as a result of a very in-your-face class system at work, the cover for which some people misread for friendliness, togetherness, and the common bond of being New Yorkers. Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Or, just: cocaine. There's always that.

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

There were pap pictures of the Obamas vacationing in Hawaii and transitioning in Chicago, but the mean streets of Capitol Hill have probably never been the scene of a shot sold to People or stolen by Perez. Not because DC and Capitol Hill are off-limits to the paparazzi, but because they're boring. DC pictures don't sell. Why would they? Do you care where Representative Peter DeFazio's LAs are drinking tonight? No. (They're drinking at the Hawk & Dove, btw.)

But, you know, the Obamas are celebrities! And so John McCain's shitty summer 2008 campaign strategy has finally sort of come to pass. Barack Obama is not Paris Hilton, but his wife and kids are Kate + 8.

(Though one imagines Secret Service presence will continue to make these shots something of a rarity.)

Even more fun: when the set initially went up on INF's site, one of the shots was a close-up of the first lady's stomach. BABY BUMP??? (It has since been deleted.)

[Pictures: INFphoto.com]

A website called Irish Central claims to have a source in the police department - and, come on, it's New York, of course they do - detailing the city's cops disbelief with what the young star's security detail has on their hands, and even more, the fact that they think they're at all capable of dealing with it.

"Enough is enough," said a highly-placed official at Police Headquarters. "His security people aren't up to the task of keeping him safe, and they have no idea how to deal with the crowds this guy attracts." The source pointed to a well-publicized incident in which Pattinson ran from a crowd of admirers and was slightly injured when he was struck by a taxi.

"That's amateur hour," the police spokesman said. "We have celebrities a lot bigger than this guy who can come and go in perfect safety because we know how to take the right precautions. We have presidents and kings come and go. This poor kid can't get in or out of a car without things getting dangerous."

The post goes further into detail about how overwhelmed his current protection is, and how they don't know how to deal with the massive crowds that show up wherever he goes. Pattinson's also apparently fairly disturbed by the attention he attracts, which, besides being inconvient and scary, is also a source of embarrassment to him. And honestly, if I were followed by Twilight fans wherever I went, I'd be embarrassed, too. Pattinson's probably still cursing JK Rowling for (SPOILER ALERT) killing his character in the fourth film in the Harry Potter series. If only he could go back to a time more magical, less, uh, psychologically fraught with emotional peril.

Young Pattinson already hates the women of New York for trying to murder him. He tried buying one of his stalkers dinner, it didn't work. He stalkers have proven themselves to generally be sexually charged alcoholic ragers. It really is out of control. Yeah, he's a bankable movie star and fine as far as genetics go. But he seems to be an otherwise nice, normal guy who invokes the hidden sexual pathos (which then manifests into bloodthirst) of what might sometimes be fairly normal human beings. Until he does receive his police protection, he can go with the whole cross/garlic combo to stave off the bloodthirsty Spinsters In Training. Or at least get a stun gun.

'Twilight' star Pattinson may be in N.Y. Police Department's spotlight [Irish Central]

Ian Halperin, the writer of unauthorized biographies on Celene Dion, Kurt Cobain, and James Taylor, penned a piece for the Daily Mail in which he claims to have predicted the death of Michael Jackson six months and one day ago. It appears that he might be telling the truth. There's a lot inside the article, so we'll run it down, for you. Some of it might have full-bodied shades of truth, some of it could be totally off the mark. At the very least, though, it's all pretty fascinating:

- Ominous Prediction: "Had he not been driven – by a cabal of bankers, agents, doctors and advisers – to commit to the grueling 50 concerts in London's O2 Arena, I believe he would still be alive today."

- Jackson's Exhaustion: He was preparing for a string of concerts nobody in their right mind could've thought he could've completed. While leaving a Burbank studio, he reportedly told fans: 'I don't know how I'm going to do 50 shows. I'm not a big eater. I need to put some weight on. I'm really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do ten.' One of his former employees weighed in to Halperin earlier this month: "It's like he's not in control over his own life any more."

- Dr. Tohme Tohme: Jackson's official spokesman as of last year. Incredibly seedy. Refuted a claim Halperin made that Jackson had six months to live, back in December. Tohme called it a "complete fabrication." An important player in all of this, if only to indicate the people Jackson was surrounded by near the end: "Tohme has been alternately described as a Saudi Arabian billionaire and an orthopedic surgeon, but he is actually a Lebanese businessman who does not have a medical license. At one point, Tohme claimed he was an ambassador at large for Senegal, but the Senegalese embassy said they had never heard of him." At one point, Tohme (associated with the Nation of Islam, more below) threatened an auctioneer's life if he didn't postpone an auction of Jackson memorabilia.

- Image Protection: Jackson had a huge collection of wigs that he used out in public to hide his graying, thinning hair.

- Mental Health: Feelings of despondency and suicidal thoughts started surfacing after his latest acquittal from the 2005 sexual molestation trial involving Gavin Arvizo. He was close to a "complete nervous breakdown." He was being fed "pills like candy" by those around him, who were described as "enablers." He was worried he would end up dying like Elvis (a claim backed by Lisa Marie Presley). He wasn't eating and had nightmares of being murdered. His drug of choice was OxyContin. Then there's this: "On June 21, Jackson told my contact that he wanted to die. He said that he didn't have what it would take to perform any more because he had lost his voice and dance moves. ‘It's not working out,' Jackson said. ‘I'm better off dead. I don't have anywhere left to turn. I'm done.'"

- Halperin/Jackson: Halperin began his work with Jackson believing he was guilty, but changed his mind as time went on.

- Jackson's Sexuality: "It is clear to me that Michael was homosexual and that his taste was for young men." He had two secret lovers, supposedly. One was a construction worker who he went on rendezvous with at a seedy motel in Vegas. The other was a young aspiring actor he invited over to his place in LA for late-night trysts.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.- Jackson's Health: He had "Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency," which is a genetic condition that leaves the lungs vulnerable due to a lack of protein. He was receiving injections of a treatment made from human plasma that were fairly effective in combating his condition. Halperin claims sources inside the Jackson camp confirmed that this would explain the wheelchair and surgical masks Jackson could sometimes be seen in public with. He'd lost an abundance of weight in the last few months. People were worried.

- Finances: The Bahraini sheikh Jackson crashed with after the last trial sued Jackson for repayment of what Jackson thought was his "hospitality." Jackson settled on the night before it went to court specifically so his exact financial condition - miserably bad - wouldn't come to light. The only reason any attempts by Jackson to work were made over the last four years were for money. At one point, he was convinced by those around him that he could make a comeback and "be the king" again, however.

- The Beatles' catalog: One of the more insane claims Halperin makes: the only thing standing between Jackson and bankruptcy was his ownership of the Beatles catalog with Sony. Sony's dream was to own the entire thing themselves, and could've repossessed it, but didn't because they were afraid of the bad press it would get them (and potential sales it would cost them).

- Jackson's Will: He has upwards of 200 unpublished songs, the sales and royalties of which are for his children to live off of. His will's going to reveal Jackson's desire for his kids to stay with Jackson's 79 year-old mother, Katherine.

- Nation of Islam ties: Jackson's kids' nanny, Grace Rwaramba, had ties to the Nation of Islam and Louis Farrakhan. Rwaramba was supposedly the "Queen Bee" in Jackson's camp. The Nation of Islam supplied Jackson's security detail and started running his affairs. Farrakhan's son-in-law was Jackson's business manager for a few years, but his role diminished.

And there's so, so much more. Halperin's got a book to promote, and again, there's no telling how many of these claims are going to pan out to be true. But a lot of them are certainly strange and sad enough to be true.

The Michael Jackson story (and the story of how it's going to be handled) is going to stay a bizarre, sad one. A week ago, a Michael Jackson joke was classic if not outdated, another pop culture bar room punchline. And now the reality is that these punchlines might manifest themselves into something much more uncomfortable: the truth, without the protection of settlements and PR cover. Maybe Jackson's going to get the sympathy of a public - or a portion of the public - who went from unconditionally loving him to stigmatizing him overnight. Or maybe it's just going to get worse. This one - the way pop culture reflects on Jackson, on his music, and on his legacy - is still very much being written.

'I'm better off dead. I'm done': Michael Jackson's fateful prediction just a week before his death [Daily Mail]

The untimely death of someone like Jackson, a once in a generation worldwide superstar, is one of the few things that can possibly breathe new life into the balance sheets of a slowly dying tabloid media industry. Remember, not only was Michael Jackson a star of Elvis proportions, but he was an insanely weird star of Elvis proportions, perhaps the weirdest star the world has ever known (Even weirder than Elvis himself!) or will ever know, with a long personal history filled with scandal.

Here's something key to remember on this—In the United States of America, the dead cannot be libeled. Only living individuals can sue for libel. So I can run around all over town saying that Millard Fillmore used to fellate goats in the White House if I chose to and there's absolutely nothing that Millard Fillmore's descendants can do legally to make me stop saying it.

Now just imagine how many sensational Michael Jackson stories are out there waiting to be told that were never told before out of fear of being driven into financial ruin with libel lawsuits tied up for years in the American court system. Surely there will be people looking to sell their stories now, and surely there will be tabloid magazines that will scrape up whatever cash they can muster to buy these stories, even the most marginal, and slap them on their front pages under provocative headlines. They will sell by the millions, even in a down economy, because Western society has an insatiable appetite for celebrity scandal. It makes us feel better about our own wretched lives when the curtain is pulled back on those in the spotlight to reveal souls that are just as dark and tormented as our own, if not more.

But it won't just stop there.

In the days, weeks and months to come we'll be bombarded with more Michael Jackson television specials, print media special issues, commemorative products, re-releases of albums, etc. than most of us can stand. And then of course the more traditional media will recycle some of the stories dug up by the aforementioned tabloids and their reporting of those stories will bring in viewers and sell copies of newspapers/magazines. What you've seen just in the last 12 hours or so, what with the release of Jackson's death photo and the second by second movements of his corpse being reported on live television, is only scratching the surface.

Now to be fair, we at Gawker certainly aren't exempt from any of this. It's no secret that our revenue is generated through advertising dollars based on a rather simple metric—How many eyeballs are seeing the site on a regular basis. We will be covering the coverage of the story, and perhaps adding to the story here and there, as we always do, and stories like this one tend to spark tremendous public interest. Just look at the spike in traffic we experienced yesterday from all of this as evidence. This is all a part of what former Gawker editor Choire Sicha (or maybe it was Emily Gould?) termed, "the celebrity industrial complex," and we as consumers have no one but ourselves to blame for it. If we ignored all of this stuff it would probably go away, but we don't, so it doesn't. In turn, those of who work in media serve it up on a plate for the masses eager to consume it. Then we all medicate ourselves silly so we can get through the days and sleep through the nights and the world spins madly on. It's just the way we live now.

If only we'd all take a moment to step back and listen to the words of this contemplative visionary, perhaps the world would be a better place.

Times Square pic via Animal New York

ProPublica is an independent, non-profit newsroom that produces investigative journalism in the public interest. Our work focuses exclusively on truly important stories, stories with "moral force." We do this by producing journalism that shines a light on exploitation of the weak by the strong and on the failures of those with power to vindicate the trust placed in them.

Heh.

[ProPublica. OKAY it's also about patients' right to privacy and the reporter wrote some of it while he was on staff at the LAT. Don't ruin the joke.]

Jaxson has been a publicist for the likes of that one girl from The Cheetah Club for Girls or whatever, plus he attempted a gossip site called J.J.'s Dirt that, well, never went anywhere. He and his mother used to be professional talk-show guests (discussing Jaxson's deadbeat dad), which prompted Jaxson's fame-hunger and pushed him toward the gossip industry. Mostly he's popped up on Jacksonville, FL local news broadcasts and rehashed celebrity news that everyone already knew as if he'd just scooped it. Perhaps sensing the tidal change away from the scuzzy pink celebrity trashing of yesteryear, Jaxson has shifted his efforts toward a wiser and self-reflecting view of show business.

Because the memoir has worked so well for esteemed figures like Tori Spelling and Chelsea Handler, Jaxson is sending out a proposal for a book sadly titled Don't You Know Who I Am Yet???, a look back at his rollercoaster life and career. In the very-rough drafts of chapters he sent to us, Jaxson issues ruminative ruminations on his troubled childhood:

It was ... my obsession with the happiest hours of my life, the Rosie O'Donnell Show that kept me desiring fame, as I thought it would be my escape to always be financially secure and finally make a life of my own with friends that could last a lifetime. This is when I realized how it may be possible for me to finally meet my father on a talk show while aquiring that 15 minutes of fame I had always desired.

Then he moves on to hissy, non-scandal celebrity outings and partying stories:

Bungalow 8 was the place I met Ms. Mary-Kate Olsen. I was extremely disappointed in finding out that the Mary-Kate I was meeting was cocained up and completely wasted on booze. It was sad really. Really sad. It was during NYC Fashion Week that I was there with celebrities, Kim Kardashian, Chudney Ross, Evan Ross and Cuba Gooding JR.

Finally he urges the reader that he is d-u-n done with all that drama. Because he's been in it, man. He's been in the shit. But now he's seen the light.

Chapter 10: The 16th Minute
(Life beyond fame; making a difference; maturity)
The sucidial moments, the emptiness, the feeling of being lost, development of sever anxiety and the multiple turn of events that made an impact on my life to write this book and begin a new chapter and focus on my life.

Unfortunately for Jaxson, even on the off chance that some tiny publisher does mimeograph a few copies of this thing and distribute it at rest homes, it'd still be a few years too late. That gum bubble has burst, leaving everyone, but some more than others, looking pretty sticky.

OK's UK edition this week: the "Jade Goody Official Tribute Issue." "Final Words"! I guess "1981-2009" is a fair guess, but uh, patience is a virtue? Jade Goody remains annoyingly alive.

Whether alive or dead, she's fully owned by OK! The mag bought the rights to her wedding last month for an estimated 700,000 pounds, and then refused to allow her friend and biographer to attend it, because she worked for a different magazine. No word on whether Jade can sell the actual moment of her death separately, but if so, OK! is sure to snap it up for a(nother) final edition. Shame and repugnance do not exist!

But she moves a lotta magazines, alive or otherwise!

[Guardian, OK]

"The day you find out is fine," Imus said. "But the next morning when you get up, your knees are shaking. I didn't think I could make it to work."

He speculated that the cancer could be a result of stress.

Sad. Wait, they let Don Imus back on the air? When did that happen? [NYP]

According to the American media (consisting of reporters who are high, mostly), Japanese authority figures are totally peeing their pants right now because marijuana arrests are on the rise among Japanese youth. Even among athletes! And famous people! And most disappointingly, among college kids! Dude, it's a nation of lightweights:

While hard numbers are difficult to come by, marijuana use in Japan appears to be low compared with other countries. In a survey of 85,000 households from 17 countries published last year by the Public Library of Science, a nonprofit group based in San Francisco and Cambridge, U.K., only 1.5% of Japanese respondents said they have used cannabis, compared with 42% in the U.S. and 18% in Germany.

You. Ess. Ay. Baby. That's right. Japan simply cannot hang. They banned a famous sumo wrestler for life, for being caught with weed. They'll jail you for five years for simple possession. And when an "elite private college" in Tokyo caught some kids growing hydro in the bathroom, the entire nation's educational philosophy was shaken to its very core:

"We thought university students had more conscience," said Juichi Shimomura, a director in the bureau of welfare and public health of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government. "Now we realize they have to be taught just like everyone else."

Japan does, however, retain its world title in "Embarrassingly Drunk Businessmen." [WSJ]

Al Sharpton and Gov. David Paterson are criticizing Delonas' cartoon today, but Post editor Col Allan is backing up his favorite artiste, issuing this statement:

The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to wit the shooting of a violent chimpanzee in Connecticut. It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy. Again, Al Sharpton reveals himself as nothing more than a publicity opportunist.

Way to stay in character, Col. Unfortunately, we couldn't find Delonas' classic depiction of mayoral candidate Freddy Ferer "on his knees, kissing the rear end of a grotesquely obese Al Sharpton" anywhere online. [Update: A tipster mailed it in and we've added it below] But you can enjoy these blasts from the past. [Have more Delonas favorites? Email us!]

That pregnant transgender man—what are docs supposed to do with this freak? (This one was so clever he drew it twice)


A gay dude who married a woman—what next?


Muslim terrorists love Democrats. What else is new, huh?


Gays: Sheep fuckers.


Gays: Stereotypical prancing beacons of corruption.


Gays: They're destroying marriage, but at least they're not as bad as Liza Minnelli, who is a woman but nevertheless married David Gest, who is a prancing gay.


Women: Whores.


Gay pride? More like cross dressing freakazoids! Amirite?


Rosie O'Donnell is a fat butch lesbian. Haha.


Heather Mills has only one leg. Haha.

And Al Sharpton has a big ass. Which likes to be kissed.

1) "Which disturbed loser is more of a cad than we thought? He's spilling the beans about his former flame's kinky sex habits to anyone who'll listen. " [Gatecrasher]

2) "This really could be something that is not a blind item, but the person who gave it to me really wants it as a blind rather than with a big screaming EXCLUSIVE all over it. I don't have the why yet, but it is supposed to be very interesting. You have a B- list television actress from one of the best television ensemble comedies of all time and she is getting divorced from her well connected industry husband who has had a sporadic career despite his connections. Even though they have a very, very, very young child the marriage has no chance of making it." [CDaN]

3) "Which singer held up rehearsals for a sporting event after getting overly friendly with a fan in the changing-room showers?" [Mirror]

4) "Which actress pretends to loathe the paparazzi, but actually has her publicist call them to staged photo ops? Her unsuspecting celebrity boyfriend can't understand how the paps know exactly when they will be walking the dog or going to the market or how they know every other private move the couple makes. Well, we're going to provide Mr. Naïve with a big box full of clues. Your girlfriend is known as a successful TV actress, but her film career has been less than stellar. Since her own career and life isn't interesting enough to warrant lots of attention from the paps, she needs you in the photos with her to guarantee publication. Every time you are going to do anything together, she makes that stealth cellular phone call to her PR flack, who in turn notifies the press." [BlindGossip]

Please note: These could all be scams. Or more likely, a mix of scams, waiters trying to sneak you in the back, and broke reporters trying to make a buck off their extra press passes. Okay!


Most Expensive

"Project Runway Fashion Week @ Mercedes Benz IMG": $750

A slew of options including Marc Jacobs, William Rast, Zac Posen, and others: $600

Caroline Herrera: $599

Project Runway: $500

William Rast: $399

Cheapest

Tadashi Shoji: $80

Bineth: $69

LEIFSDOTTIR Presentation: $69

Loris Diran: $59

"I am a hot female with blonde hair and big boobs looking to go to fashion week": $1

Perhaps not coincidentally, there's expected to be less star power than usual at Fashion Week this year. [Pic via]