Is your daily consumption of 12-pack upon 12-pack of Coca-Cola holding you back from your fitness goals? For you, Coke is introducing eight-packs of new 7.5 ounce "mini cans." Only 90 empty calories each! As doctors and fitness professionals always say, "Consuming your corn syrup-laden swill in more frequent, smaller servings throughout the day as you sit motionless in a chair gazing at a computer screen and allowing your ever-deteriorating posture to further crumble is preferable to guzzling it all in one serving directly from a two-liter bottle, except by economic standards, or nutritional ones."

But Coca-Cola alone won't make you a champion. You also need a certain kind of perfume. And don't bother to cool down after your workout. That would require you to work out.

American soda abdominal dominance!
[Pic via]

Not only is he starring in a new Subway TV ad—the first since his little controversy (smoking of drugs illegally and saddening children)—but he's once again plastered all over Subway's website (they never technically dropped him as an endorser, they just hid him in a secret "stash box," in the closet).

There he is, right on the website, telling children how to get "Fresh Toasted." If we make any more weed jokes we will probably puke, right on the floor here, but feel free to browse around the site and make your own. "Phelps Phlavor"? Ha right he likes the different flavors of marijuana to smoke on, I bet! Those colors behind him in that photo probably drove him loony when he was high on the marijuana, I bet!

Going to throw up now. Eat Subway, ladies and gentlemen.

You can never accuse Sheriff Leon Lott of not being able to ridicule the dopers!

So Monday, Lott took a few of those minutes - to ridicule the comedians, dopers and pundits who lampooned his probe of the gold medalist, shown in a newspaper photo with a marijuana bong at a Columbia party...

Despite talk of marijuana being harmless, he said, it can lead to other drugs and wasted lives. His best school friend began smoking it, became a trafficker and is dead, he said.

"Don't give that b.s., ‘it doesn't hurt anybody,' 'cause it does."

The local paper has a video but that photo really says it all. [The State via Inside Charm City]

Neel notes that the Olympian was accompanied by an entourage of striped-shirted schmucks, one of whose sole duties appeared to be pointing a flashlight at anyone attempting to photograph the swimmer during his efforts to obtain a gold medal in ass-grabbing. ("It was unreal," says Neel. "Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over... I've never seen such an aggressive grip.")

[More at Radar]

NBC anchor Brian Williams gave Phelps some special McD's dining advice before their recent interview:

I told him there was no mustard on them, and that the minced onion was kept to a minimum. I could see in his eyes that he realized he was in the company of a fellow aficionado. He changed his order – so excited at the thought of McDonalds for the first time since arriving here in Beijing — and the interview began.

Will Phelps prove to be yet more proof that fast food is the key to a healthy life? McDonalds very much hopes so. But get honest; you're not an Olympic swimmer. There's really only one circumstance under which an average person should eat so many calories:

[via Soup Cans]