Save The Children's an awesome, nonreligious, independent charity doing great work worldwide, providing everything from shelter to education to medical care for kids who aren't within reach of it, for whatever reason. By no means do you have to buy the book to give a buck, but if you, it'll be well worth it.

Spider Man 2 thespian and recent Columbia MFA graduate James Franco signed it sometime before telling our photographer, Mo Pitz, to fuckoff. Mo will forgive him one day, but we're still thankful for the sign. Same with 2009's National Book Award fiction prize winner, Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann. We also got I Was Told There Would Be Cake author Sloane Crosley, College Humor founder Ricky Van Veen, media reporter Jeff Bercovici (signing as Dave Eggers), the New York Times' Allen Salkin, cartoonists, other National Book Award nominees, and a bunch of other people who—like you—care about books.

Signature Gawker editors past and present grace the thing, too: Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Snyder, New York Magazine's Jessica Coen, The Awl's Alex Balk, founding editor Elizabeth Spiers, Page Six's Neel Shah, and and our very own weekend cleanup hitter, Foster Kamer, who braved the National Book Awards to do this, and also ambushed a Mediaite's live broadcast to plug it (fast-forward to 48:30 for the surprise). Besides which, if The Dark Lord Balthazar himself can pitch in...

....so can you. It's for a great cause, it's a literary treasure, and is the best copy of a Historically Important Book, Going Rogue, in existence. Hands down. Don't miss out: get your last bids in here.

[BID ON THE BOOK HERE. SERIOUSLY. IT'S FOR CHARITY.]

Realize: this is the best copy of this book in existence. Period. Bar none. And at a ceremony when the books and authors being honored have the sales of their books disproportionately inverted by their quality, it only seemed appropriate to get everybody in on The Big Joke of the evening: that more people would read Sarah Palin's Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Bullshit than any of the nominees' and winners' books, combined.

We offered the book up to some of our favorite literature and media luminaries that were in the house that evening. Dave Eggers—that asshole!—was very nice about refusing to sign our book, probably because it wasn't for his 826 charity. But he was kind. How's that for an endorsement?

Not good enough? What about super awesome sleepy Columbia MFA graduate and Freaks and Geeks actor James Franco signing our book?

Yes, this man signed our book. Okay, Jim. Maybe you made our photographer cry. But you did this one for the children. You're okay, today. Also, the nerds at Slate think you're The Sexiest Man With A Pulse, for what it's worth (read: the most ostentatious pillow talk ever). Congrats. But what if an awesome hunky dreamy movie star with an MFA from Columbia isn't enough reason to spend lots of money on a book people drew on?

Maybe 2009 National Book Award winner Colum McCann signing this bad boy is! YES THAT IS COLUM MCCANN SIGNING THE PALIN BOOK. This took a lot—a lot—of convincing. Charity, huh? But it's Sarah Palin's book! Sarah Palin! I can't put my name on anything of hers! Are you sure this is for charity? What charity?!

Funny you should ask, Mr. McCann. I've picked a charity so great, you can't even say their name out loud without feeling awful for never having done something for them until now: Save The Children. Yeah, you're gonna stiff these guys?

They've done great work bringing literacy programs to kids in need across the country, among other great things they've done for kids that otherwise don't get things done for them that should be. If I were running these programs, I would have them all reading Gawker Weekends and Calvin and Hobbes, because that's what I grew up on, but I'm not, and these people are, and we're all better off. You don't have to buy the book to give a buck. Oh, and if you complain about the charity I picked, I'll come to your house and personally beat you with an unsigned copy of Ms. Palin's 2010 NBA Fiction Winner. But yes, people actually signed this thing.

You want proof?

2009 NBA Fiction Prize winner Collum McCann (fourth page, center) really, actually did take this much convincing. He wrote: "'For we must love this poor earth, for we have not seen another...' Go Obama!" Awesome.

Ricky Van Veen and Neel Shah marvel at how incredibly awesome this book is, while Jessica Coen is laughing to herself imagining Sarah Palin read her fabulous, fierce nugget of wisdom.

Here's the guy who I thought was Toph Eggers, right. I got everyone's name wrong that night. At one point I think I remember identifying Keith Waldrop as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Jeff Bercovici signed the book as Dave Eggers, since Dave Eggers doesn't care about Saving The Children so much as making them read George Saunders or whatever.

Here're the first two pages:

And here're the second two:

And here's the full list of who we know we got:

2009 NBA Fiction Winner, Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann.

Spider Man 2 actor and recent Columbia MFA graduate James Franco wrote (third page, top-right): "FUCK YEAH!" with a strange vampire-smiley face.

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Salvatore Scibona (second page, middle-right) gave her "hugs."

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Rachel Kushner (second page, bottom-left) offers her insight on context clues regarding snowmobiles.

I Was Told There Would Be Cake author by night and Random House book publicist by day Sloane Crosley offered her encouragement "storming the castle." True story: Sloane had no idea what she was signing.

The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles, New York Times writer Allen Salkin took up the entire bottom-third of the fourth page ensuring that I wasn't conning him. He also drew a fairly accurate drawing of himself.

Dave Eggers! As performed/signed by former Portfolio and current Daily Finance media columnist Jeff Bercovici (fourth page, top-right).

Columnist Katie Bakes tried to start a #hashtag, while the New York Observer's publishing beat gangsta Leon Neyfakh wrote...something.

Vice and New York Press writer Jamie Peck (second-page, bottom-right, I think) talked to her about wolves. Someone who isn't Vice writer Jamie Peck, apparently, talked to her about wolves. Claim your identity here!

College Humor founder Ricky Van Veen gave Sarah a big CHILL, BABY, CHILL while Former Radar, Gawker, and Page Six writer Neel Shah got tactful.

The Awl writer Alex Balk.

Flavorwire's Kelsey Keith had more sage advice for Palin's future career aspirations.

Cartoonist Laurie Sandell drew a woman holding a smoking gun on the third page. Get it?

Gawker Past and Present: Media Overlord Nick Denton and current Gawker Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Snyder both thanked her for pageviews—heh—while founding Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers wished her luck, and Gawker J²-era/New York Magazine editor Jessica Coen gave her hair tips.

Oh, and me, lending to this the extent of my own profound, political insight.

We also got Gawker's Altarcations writer Phyllis Nefler. and some guy who looks like Dave Eggers brother, who turned out not to be Dave Eggers' brother after I thought he was Dave Eggers' brother. His name is Alec Friedman.

[Alas, because we were drunk, there may be signatures in here we missed. Seriously! If you see your John Hancock—heh: cock—please email me with it. It's for charity. You don't want children growing up to one day actually think that was funny, do you? Right. Neither do I.]

The book's sanctity has been preserved by only having been signed on the night of the 2009 National Book Awards, by attendees of the ceremony. That said, if you win it and want to have anybody else in the Gawker Media offices sign it, sure, fuckit, I'll get them to sign. Hell, we know people who are experts on books that are imaginary that are supposed to be real, and I bet we could get them to sign if that's what you wanted. Or I could eat the book, or I could drop-kick it, or I could detonate it with whatever fireworks you send us, or I could read it, but who's that awful? Not you, potential charity-giver. Anyway. You could do any of those things, or none of them, and just keep it as one of the most awesome literary collectibles ever. You know? You know.

Because one day, you can show this to your children's children, and tell them: I bought this so you could see how happy the people were before it was like this. Now that James Franco is the new Daniel Mendelsohn, and every book published is full of shit, and they all come from blogs, and they're the only things that sell, and they are read on calculators, there was this. There was this night. There were these drunk people signing Frau Palin's book.

And then you can blame it on this guy:

But seriously, it's for charity. Buy the goddamn book. Now. Please. Our auction is here.

[Photographs via Gawker Party Crash photog Mo Pitz.]

The New York Times is here to showcase the latter type of unemployed friend, in this article about a kindly Greenwich Village hairdresser who spent two days giving pro bono haircuts to fabulous laid-off fashion designers and other impoverished creatures:

Ms. Cheung, who was a lingerie designer until she was laid off four months ago, has not found the search to be all that easy. She has cut back on all the nonessentials: the dinners out, the fancy bread, the $200 cut-wash-dry-hot oil treatments of yore (alas, color and other services beyond the scissors were not free at the salon). She had not had even a trim since March, and those wispy ends of her long, dark hair were starting to get on her nerves.

Cristiano Cora usually charges $300 per cut, but on the weekend in question, all you needed was proof of unemployment and some can-do non-working-girl spunk:

Around the sleek, white room, the people who showed up for the event, held on Sunday and Monday, to have their hair done spoke of a common theme: change. "I'm trying to reinvent myself," said Carmen Ramirez, 39, a former fashion buyer from Washington Heights... She had not had her hair cut professionally for a year, and it had grown to her waist.

When Ms. Ramirez let down her long hair from the window in her lonely tower, Mr. Cora climbed to the top and slashed her long braid off and sold it at the wigmakers' black market. Her hair was so beautiful, they earned a small fortune by selling it, financing three whole years of funemployment for Carmen, plus an orphan he saw in a commercial on TV, and a school for girls in the impoverished nation of his choice. Happily ever after, the end.

However, he's still the world's meanest grandpa, so feel free to call him a "model of dynastic restraint" if you like.

[Pic: Ethan Miller/ Getty Images
Pic2: Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation]

It's not entirely fair to cherry-pick the recipients of Goldman's past donations looking for examples of the company underwriting elite institutions that buttress the hyper-wealthy bubble culture that company thrives in, all in the name of "charity." So we'll point out that Goldman's assorted foundations have also given generously to genuinely needy causes like the Harvard Varsity Club, Camp Morasha, and Brown University. OK, ok—Goldman has also donated money to breast cancer research, after-school programs, and all sorts of good things that deserve its money.

But they also gave $210,000 to Rumson Country Day School in Rumson, N.J., a private school so desperately in need of money for the purposes of charging $20,000 per year to educate eighth-graders that Bruce Springsteen played a fundraiser for it in 2002.

And then there's $68,000 to the Lawrenceville School, a boarding school near Princeton, N.J. with an 800-acre campus and a 200-year history of taking disadvantaged kids like Tinsley Mortimer, Michael Eisner, and Prince Turki bin Faisal al-Saud and instilling them with the values of hard work and self-reliance that Goldmanites endeavor to live every day.

Or Greenwich Country Day School, which lifts children out of poverty by charging their parents $29,000 for "Grade IX," according to the school's tuition schedule. It was no doubt cheaper when George H.W. Bush went there.

Not all of Goldman's educational grants go to prep schools, of course. There are also the firm's Walter F. Blaine and H.R. Young Scholarship Programs, which award $4,000 and $7,500 scholarships, respectively, to the children of Goldman Sachs employees. Yes, Goldman Sachs has janitors and secretaries, so we imagine they employ people who could make justifiable use of such scholarships. Then again, they pay some secretaries $200,000 a year, and we'd hope that any firm that intends to pay out $23 billion to 31,000 employees this year would find a way to distribute it such that none of them need help putting their kids through college. We'd be wrong!

If you know how Goldman employees will be spending their taxpayer-financed bonuses this year, let us know—you can e-mail us at the address below or post to the #goldmanproject page.

Little Debbie told the interns of America that if they take a photo of themselves at the office holding up some cutesy sign with a plea, and looking pitiful, that Little Debbie will bestow upon them one (1) free box of muffins, which they may gobble up as quickly as possible in order to absorb the maximum number of calories before the fellow office hordes smell them out and descend like so many hungry bats, while the Little Debbie corporation receives, in return, rights to exploit their image in perpetuity. And interns are doing this all over the place. Hey, what's that, muffins? Give me some, I'm your boss. Is that a picture of you at the office? You're all fucking fired.
[via Adrants]

The Chi-Town Daily News reported on a developer who tore down a Victorian home built in the 1890s, who's now a little too cash-strapped to carry on with building the nice condos he planned on putting there. Nice story, right?

But the kicker comes at the bottom:

Yes, they note that they're a "501(c)(3) public charity" that "depend on contributions from readers like you to train volunteer neighborhood reporters and produce Chicago's best independent local news coverage." Non-profits: the new New Media Profit Model! Considering the profitability of most other news outlets, it looks like the Chi-Town Daily News is way ahead of its time. They could also just lease out their offices to shoot movies. Then again, they probably don't have any. Cost-cutting efficiency, too!

Condo project in question amid financial concerns [Chi-Town Daily News]

Previously: Slave Labor: The New, New-Media Profit Model

Gawker spent $14 to reporting, writing, and editing this item. We need your help to continue keeping our writer fueled with nicotine, caffine, and the occasional prescription amphetamine. Please consider donating.

Why did she bid on this blogger-tunity?

Ariana Huffington is my God (should that be Goddess?) and I bow down to her. Writing for free is not enough for me. I would like to pay her to allow me to write. But seriously, The Huffington Post is a good place to be seen and is a good place to start a writing career. And after all, charity is good! I don't know why you're so against it on your website. Perhaps you're forgetting the charity aspect.

What does she do, in the remainder of her time?

What do I do? Right now I'm taking a few classes. I also like to write. Right now I'm a correspondant for The Anti-Green Movement blog.

What is it she loves about Arianna so much?

The Huffington Post is just alright. I don't like it how famous people think they are a knowledgeable source of information when they are not qualified at all. (*Cough* Jim Carrey in his article for Jenny McCarthy *cough*) I do like charity.

So, may we ask how you make your money, given your generous charitable proclivities?

No, you can't ask.

Sadly Luisa has deleted her Twitter page now, but let's be clear: we fully support this outrageous value being attached to a worthless unpaid blog internship. If this thing succeeds there is no limit to the number of internships we personally expect to be auctioning off, on the side. This new revenue stream could save the once-new media. Luisa, we are with you.
[Previously. And it's not too late to bid!]

Luisa Borges lives in Rio and has a Twitter account with the handle "luisacb." And "Luisacb" is currently the "lucky" high bidder on the Huffpo internship "opportunity."

And there's more evidence! Luisacb is also the current high bidder—$18,000—for another item from the very same charity auction: "You'll Be Saying "Ahhhhh" When You Vist the Set of House , Meet the Entire Cast and Take Home Hugh Laurie's Signed Iconic Cane."

Well we certainly would be saying 'Ahhhh' if we swallowed such an offer, eh? More evidence: Luisa Borges, on Twitter, loves House so much that she sends Tweets to the cast members! She's a superfan! Who else would pay $18K for Hugh Laurie's fucking cane? It all makes sense!

Except the HuffPo thing. That shit is just lunacy. Luisa, please email us and explain yourself at once.

Dear Colleagues,

It is with sadness that I write to tell you that The New York Times Company
Foundation is suspending grant making and the matching gifts program. This
includes the grant making of The Boston Globe Foundation. As all of you
know only too well, the economy and the secular changes in our industry are
causing everyone to rigorously manage costs and unfortunately, this is a
difficult but necessary step.

The Foundation will honor existing commitments, including those for
multi-year grants but will make no other grants or accept any new
applications for funding. This will, over time, affect the free access
employees and their families enjoyed to museums. We will update the list of
places offering free passes or discounts to Times Company employees, which
can be found at:
http://web.nytimes.com/xpedio/groups/system/@perks/documents/dynamicpage/perks_home.hcst.

Under the present matching gifts program, the Foundation has matched,
dollar for dollar, contributions to eligible nonprofit institutions by
full-time or retired employees and directors. This program will be
suspended as of Friday, May 22. Contributions made after May 22 will not be
matched by the Foundation.

The Times College Scholarship program will continue in a smaller
incarnation. All of the students currently in the program will continue as
normal as will the students currently in the Globe Scholars program.

The New York Times Neediest Cases Campaign and The Globe Santa program are
unaffected by the changes announced today.

Lastly, the Foundation's grants and matching gifts programs have touched
the lives of many people. I would like to extend sincere appreciation on
behalf of the company to the dedicated staff who has played such an
important role in making the Foundation a success.

Sincerely,

Michael

Riverhead, which published the book last year, has been displaying three of the dioramas in their offices. But now they'd like to have that space back. "As you can see from the picture, I can't exactly house them in Riverhead's offices forever," she says. "I also can't fit more than two in my apartment. Nor, honestly, would I want to. It's creepy enough that I even have the crafts supplies to make dioramas in my house.

So, she's selling the one — "the most intricate," she promises — that goes with the essay "Sign Language for Infidels" in an auction to benefit Housing Works.

Crosley's description:

Diorama For Sale, Never Used*

*Okay, slightly used. This is one of three dioramas constructed to coincide with the publication of I Was Told There'd Be Cake. Each diorama was meant to represent one of the essays and here we have the butterfly-abusive ASPCA violation that is "Sign Language for Infidels." The diorama was created with neurotic love over a series of late nights in my apartment, the scent of bourbon and Aleene's Tacky Glue (is there any other kind?) in the air. It was then filmed during equally late intervals at Penguin's offices, where similar emotions and scents were present but mingled with salsa and chips.

The diorama itself, sketched out here, now looks a whole lot better. For one thing, it's three dimensional. For another, it's Plexiglas. For another, it has clothing hangers made of paperclips and, come to think of it, is the last time I used a paperclip. In EBay language, I would keep it myself, but my apartment only has so much room. Joseph Cornell it ain't, but it does come with a cotton ball and felt rendering of a homeless guy. Finally, the auctioning off of this diorama for Housingworks (http://www.housingworks.org/ ) is a fitting end for a story that started years ago, with me attempting to be charitable and volunteer and failing miserably….

You can also watch a video documenting its creation or take a Flickr tour.

World President Oprah opened a school for disadvantaged girls in South Africa, and then in 2007 a dorm matron there was accused of sexually abusing the students, which made Oprah cry, and she vowed to clean house and all that, and now there is some other sex-related thing happening there, at the South African Oprah school:

Seven students were suspended last week for sexually harassing their schoolmates, the "Afrikaans on Sunday" newspaper reported.
One 15-year-old was accused of preying on another pupil and forcing other girls to lie to investigators about it, the paper reported...
Other girls were caught fondling each other or trying to get other girls to join them in lesbian liasons, the paper reported.

I guess you could theoretically lay a bit of blame on Oprah for being out of touch enough to allow the first scandal to go on unchecked, but now she's being blamed for the behavior of teenagers half a world away, WHAT IS SHE A FREAKING HALL MONITOR? [NYDN; Pic via]

The Kelly Gang started as Keith's little annual get-together for NYC's most important Kellys—Keith Kelly, naturally, and police chief Ray Kelly, and Jim Kelly, who's both a former Buffalo Bills quarterback and the former head of Time magazine, and...the whole plethora of other important Kellys. Nowadays it's a charity event. Last year it raised $85,000 for good causes!

But the Kelly Gang party is an expensive evening at Michael's, and we hear that some people feel bullied into it by Keith—like, they're afraid that if they don't shell out the cash and show up, they'll get on his bad side, and sooner or later they'll be trashed in his column.

Well—without insinuating these fears are well-founded—isn't that how all charity dinners work? What's the problem here? Lord knows most of the people famous enough to get personal invites to these things deserve to be trashed in columns occasionally. Better to have your New York Post protection money go to a good cause than to Jared Paul Stern.
[Pic: Mediabistro]

Yeah she sent the Home of Hope Orphanage a big box full of David's old clothes, said a source close to the institution:

These are clothes David can no longer use; they say he is quite a big boy now so he cannot use most of the clothes Madonna bought him immediately after he was adopted. The children were excited to receive the clothes.

And, as a nice cherry on top of the hand-me-down sundae, she sent copies of the children's book she wrote, The English Roses, that she probably can get for free whenever. But they were autographed! And what Malawian orphan who's seen hundreds die around him doesn't want Madonna's autograph??

Again, charity is never a bad thing (unless you're donating old boots to neo-Nazis or you're the manager of a Hampton Inn that's closing and you send the bedsheets to the KKK), but People is gurgling over this like the hundred-year-old Body of Evidence actress flew over Africa in a decommissioned B-52 and dropped money bombs on everyone. Nope, it was just sad, used garments and a chance to get some of her unsold books out of storage.

When asked about the charitable donation, Yohane Banda, David's biological father who fought to have him returned, said that he was kinda hoping that he'd open the box and the kid would be in there. Ah well.

"I'm not getting paid for things. It's starting to get hard to eat," the now-famous Joe the Plumber tells INSIDE EDITION's Deborah Norville.

What is this, Russia?

On the eve of election day, Joe, a single dad, told INSIDE EDITION he's getting by with help from friends and family, along with donations from well-wishers.

"It's hard being on the receiving end, a little bit of pride gets in there sometimes," admits Joe.

"So you just go to the mailbox and there's an envelope with a check in it, written to your name?" marvels Norville.

"Yes ma'am," Joe says.

With the help of these unidentified checks from shadowy sources, Joe has been able to do some pro bono plumbing for his friend—an Obama supporter. Of course, if McCain won, Joe would probably be set for life. But he won't, so Joe better get back to plumbin'. He has the potential to dominate the Holland, Ohio drain cleaning market, if he acts now.
[Inside Edition]

Jim Stengel is retiring as head of marketing at P&G—the world's biggest advertiser—and starting up his own marketing firm that he says is about "defining what a company does — beyond making money — and how it can make its customers' lives better."

Though the WSJ describes this approach as "newfangled," it's been around for years. You know what the ceiling is on the market for this type of thing? The ceiling is how much extra leftover cash companies have to throw around after they do their real marketing, which has the goal of making money. Nothing "beyond making money" comes about until the "making money" part is accomplished. Corporate social responsibility is considered a luxury product. Which is why Jim Stengel's firm is doomed, according to his less conscience-plagued peers:

This approach is "not going to save your bacon in this tough world," says Jack Trout, president of Trout & Partners, a marketing-strategy firm in Old Greenwich, Conn. Consumers are "going for the cheaper guy now."

There ain't no love in corporate marketing, Jim. [WSJ; pic via]

The campaign, created pro bono by the New York office of Arnold Worldwide, urges an end to using derogatory language, particularly labeling anything deemed negative or unpleasant as “so gay.” That is underlined by the theme of the campaign: “When you say, ‘That’s so gay,’ do you realize what you say? Knock it off.”

It's pretty amusing how any campaign targeted at teenagers brings declarations that "“Kids that age are tough and media savvy; they see through things quickly," and then they inevitably make the entire campaign a caricature of imaginary teen-dom. "Knock it off," really? And the campaign is specially teen-titled, "ThinkB4YouSpeak."

I just hope the use of "You" rather than "U" doesn't derail the whole effort. Regardless, let's hope this thing is successful. In this internet age, only idiots ridicule gay people. Repeat after me, teens: "You are such a microfamous narcissist." That's the ticket!

[Commercial Archive via Adrants]