At least that's something to liven up the long, tedious awards show that is like the Oscars, but with more categories, worse dresses, and Tony Shalhoub in the audience. We predict that Harris is going to do a lovely job, just like he did earlier this year at the Tonys. Then they will ask him to co-host the Oscars with Hugh Jackman and it will be the biggest gay event since Judy Garland dueted with Barbra Streisand. He has said that he may sing and do some magic tricks but he will not be drinking or dancing.

The later he is going to leave to a bunch of the pros from reality shows like Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. SYTYCD's hip-hop duo Napolean and Tabitha D'umo are choreographing a number that uses talent from all over the tube, including Stars hoofers Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, seen here rehearsing for the show.

Producers aren't only relying on Harris and a dog and pony show to get things rolling. The Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes says that winners are being encouraged to make more heart-felt exciting "You like me, you really like me" speeches. Those thanking their driver's personal assistant will be cut off, but those getting all Sally Field will be allowed to ramble on. No word yet on whether or not stars will be allowed to rush the stage to try to take the award for Beyoncé.

As for those actual winners, it looks like it's going to be a repeat for critical darlings 30 Rock and Mad Men and HBO will win all the movie categories just like it does every year. At least this year the camptastic Grey Gardens will be doing the mopping up. It would be great for Drew Barrymore to win. She really acted in this movie, and then if she goes on stage we can make fun of her bad dye job on Monday morning. That's almost as good as another swan dress.

Here are the rest of the nominees in the categories you care about. The actor's races could go any way, but will the world stop spinning if Mariska Hargitay beats Kyra Sedgwick? No. But it might if Charlie Sheen manages to pull out a win.

We'll be hoping for a few underdogs to pull of some upsets while live blogging the whole telecast on Sunday evening. Tune your sets to CBS and join us on the big night. Then all the witty things you have to say about how horrible The Mentalist is will be heard by more than just your coffee table.

• As predicted, the DA dropped the charges against Shawne Merriman alleging that he'd physically abused Tila Tequila late one night last week. Because, really, when was the last time someone with the surname "Tequila" was a credible witness? Guilty until proven Herradura, at least. Meanwhile, Merriman continues on his jolly way back to the first week of the NFL season, where he will take place in a delicate sport populated by upstanding young men whose clean-cut reputation for this kind of thing moves further along. Oh, and lesson for all of you: don't go crazy on Twitter next time you get cops involved. Because it just means you're guilty or lying. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and it sounds like Merriman proposed to have a foursome with him, Tequila (Tila), and two other women, who he had over at his house when Ms. Tequila showed up. At the time, Tila went batshit like any girlfriend reasonably would, and Merriman had to restrain her, and there's a one week gossip cycle. Next. [NYP]
  
  
• She also thinks it's a conspiracy on behalf of the city of San Diego to keep Merriman on the field. Yes. Because when I think "glue that holds the San Diego Chargers" together, I definitely think of Shawn Merriman. And by that, I mean: no. [E!]
  
  
• Heh. Anna Wintour totally got stalked by fans, and maybe, some people we know on Fashion's Night Out. She's bona fide! Apparently, she kept her cool when someone screamed at her about fur and also ran in heels down the street with her team chasing her, while fans tagged along. She lost it when trying to sign a shirt—a t-shirt?!?—with a sharpie. She got pissed at her staff, but really, she should be far more concerned that she comes after an item about someone with the surname Tequila. [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Bill Clinton had dinner with Chelsea and Laura Ling, who he rescued by swinging into North Korea, punching Kim Jong-Il in the face, grabbing onto a vine and Euna Lee, and swinging onto safe territory. Remember that? [Page Six]
  
  
• Charlie Sheen still thinks 9/11 was masterminded by George W. Bush and other evil forces. The funny thing is, if 9/11 was an inside job, the same people who are responsible for Two and a Half Men probably have something to do with it. Evil comes in all forms. Also, Charlie Sheen, WTF are you doing hanging out with a bunch of Salinger back-pocketing conspiracy theorists? Is this what happens when you've domestically abused every possible spouse in Hollywood? Dude, go to brunch at The Griddle or something. Like, get outside, you've got the money. Seriously. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton told The View that intense pain from a wisdom teeth operation paired with mild painkiller use basically landed her in a psych ward. Basically, best excuse for going off your meds, like, ev-ar. Also: Marissa Cooper lives. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler—and again, when did this guy become a movie star?—are maybe dating or maybe not, and the daily news has more speculation, but Christ, you need to see the photo that accompanies this Daily News story about it. Too much. Seriously. Too much. Also, if we're going to hear blind speculation on the nature of a relationship we really don't care about over and over again like this, the Post and the Daily News should at least put out betting lines on it. I wouldn't feel too bad making money over this. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mayor Bloomberg has Lady Gaga fever. He probably knows about the penis. [NYDN]
  
  
• Professional Today Show drunk Hoda Kotb went to Coney Island and found out there were no dressing rooms when training for her first triathlon out there. She ended up changing in her towncar. Try this one in a cab, someone. You'll end up with your face smeared into a partition and a blood-thirsty driver trying to peel you off of it. The state of private transportation in New York right now is sordid at best. [NYP]
  
  
• Jay-Z had a concert last night, and basically brought everyone in the rap business, New York, and The Electric Company out on stage with him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of "Run This Town," celebrity hooker Ashley Dupre was on the scene with Russel Simmons last night at a screening of the ultimate Save The Dolphins documentary "The Cove" last night. She's apparently doing yoga with Russell Simmons, who is, well, doing yoga with Ashley Dupre. [NYP]
  
  
• Tom Brady and Gisele might spring New England's Great Hope from Gisele's loins sometime before the playoffs, which would be great, because it might take Brady out of a late-season game that could inevitably help push ahead other fantasy owners who don't have him. Like me. Meanwhile, since Boston's ACLS chances are fucked, this is basically all they have to look forward to. Brady's kid's going to have the best childcare in the world. [NYDN]

Obama may be about to throw Van Jones overboard, but in somewhere out there, in an alternative universe, Charlie Sheen is striking back for the Truthers. In a breathtaking piece of fantasy journalism just posted on the web by the Two and a Half Men star, Sheen fleshes out his dream interview with the leader of the Free World in which he makes him confront the government's lies about the attack.

Sheen begins with an admirable piece of verisimilitude, in keeping with the mores of great fan fiction. Truly putting himself in the role of crusading journalist, Sheen swallows deep and reckons with the shackles placed on his imaginary profession:

I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation's history. The following is a transcript of our remarkable discussion.

The stage is set. The odds against Sheen are a bazillion-trillion to one. How in a mere 20 minutes will a sitcom star break down the most eloquent speaker and glibbest debater the world has ever seen. At first, it looks like Sheen's imaginary editors have sent him out on Interview Impossible.

The President attempts to charm Sheen with flattery, and then after conceding, of the 9/11 Commission that he was "aware of certain "in fighting" during the course of their very thorough and tireless investigative process," the slippery Obama attempts to swat Sheen away with snide air-quoted references to the "facts" contained in the volumes of research the star has brought along for their encounter.

On the ropes, Sheen gets up, stands on his feet and charges ahead into the lion's den, speaking shame to power.

PBO – Mistakes were clearly made but we as a people and as a country need to move forward. It is obviously in our best interest as a democratic society to focus our efforts and our resources on the future of this great nation and our ability to protect the American people and our allies from this type of terrorism in the coming years.

CS – Sir, how can we focus on the future when THE COMMISSION ITSELF is on record stating that they still do not know the truth??

PBO – Even if what you state, might in some capacity, begin to approach an open discussion or balanced debate, I can't speak for, or about the decisions certain commission members made during an extremely difficult period. Perhaps you should be interviewing them instead of me. Wait, don't tell me; I was easier to track down than they were?

CS - Not exactly sir, but let's be honest. You're the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the buck stops with you. 9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Your administration is reading from the same playbook that the Bush administration foisted on America through documented secrecy and deception.

From then on, there is no turning back as Charlie Sheen, hero fantasy reporter, parries the President with one fact after another, eventually withering him with his remorseless logic, presenting him with folder after folder of damning evidence, such as

Number 14; The size of a Boeing 757 is approximately 125ft in width and yet images of the impact zone at the Pentagon supposedly caused by the crash merely show a hole no more than 16ft in diameter. The engines of the 757 would have punctured a hole bigger than this, never mind the whole plane. Images before the partial collapse of the impact zone show little real impact damage and a sparse debris field completely inconsistent with the crash of a large jetliner, especially when contrasted with other images showing airplane crashes into buildings.

By then end, the President is virtually speechless, unable to respond to Sheen's incontestable evidence, he falls back on glib platitudes and limps out saying, "Well Charlie I can't say this hasn't been interesting. As I said earlier you've showed up today focused and organized. Regardless how I feel about the material you've presented, I must commend your dedication and zeal. However, our time here is up."

Truth has been told to power. But the walls of an empire will not come crashing down after just one imaginary interview. It will take thousands of imaginary interviews by celebrities, tens of thousands even, before power will look truth in the face and say, "Wow, Dude consider me skooled."

Celebrating with the action star is Danny DeVito (pictured with a glass of his signature limoncello), and, for some reason, Charlie Sheen, who ordered the restaurant's signature appetizer of fried mozzarella, "Only could I sub the mozzarella with that waitress with the big tits?" [Eater LA]

"It's coming back for another season," Richards told Us at the Panasonic Lounge at the Passion for Pink luxury suite in L.A. on Tuesday.

"We start filming in a few months," Richards said.

Asked if she has any well wishes for ex husband Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller, who are expecting their first child together, Richards told Us: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

We, also, hope to one day get to a "place" regarding Richards, only it is a place where we can stop commenting, on account of a cancellation that sticks. Until that day comes, we can do little but huddle around a flickering light of blue flame, rubbing our hands together for warmth as an unstoppable, unkillable Denise putters around her house, occasionally chirping, "It's so fun to have a spa day with your girlfriends!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Denise Richards: Reality Show Renewed! [Us]

"The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode," a source told The Insider yesterday. "But the audience has dropped off. "

What, now, will we turn to when our desire to see celebrities coax masturbatory fantasies out of their nephews goes unslaked? You gave it your best shot, Denise — but unlike your character in The World is Not Enough, it looks like Christmas won't be coming early this year.

[photo credit: AP]

• DENISE SHOW IS CANCELED [NY Post]

Maybe it has something to do with his hang-dog, "what can I say?" demeanor these days. Sheen doesn't so much apologize for being a ludicrous fuck-up for so many years, rather he's just pressing his two index fingers together, twirling one foot on the ground and saying "I've been bad, bad boy." And, I guess, people it eat up. And it fits right in with THM, which is well-intended stupidity—not nearly as hard to pick up as those more "complicated" or "weird" shows like The Office or 30 Rock. Another part of Sheen's enduring fame/popularity probably has something to do with the tabloid bolero of Sheen and his ex-wife, famous naked lady Denise Richards. She got the bulk of the negative press during their split, leaving Sheen to seem the weary, put-upon old druggie who just can't catch a break, man. (Add to that people's outrage over how handsomely Richards continues to profit from the divorce.) People seem to detect Richards' blind ambition and dislike it while they tolerate and even enjoy Sheen's affable (if at times violent and unstable) blundering. There's probably some sophomore gender studies paper to write about this, but it's summer. So just take it like this: Charlie Sheen is ridiculously rich and you are not. There you go.

Sheen's bump was the sharpest by far, according to the report, which also noted a measly 10% jump for Simon Cowell, whose American Idol duties now nab him an even $50 million per year. CSI star Petersen went up $100,000 per episode since 2007, while Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay ($400,000) and Closer star Kyra Sedgwick ($275,000) were the top earners among women on network and cable TV respectively. Congrats to them. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen makes $800,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men.

Oprah still made more money than God, with her production company as a whole generating $385 million in revenue in 2007 (up from $260 million in '06) and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane bringing up the rear among moguls with a $100 million deal guaranteed through 2012. And did you hear about Charlie Sheen? $800,000 per episode? For Two and a Half Men? Is this the same Two and a Half Men with Jon Cryer and that kid? The cringeworthy one? Also in syndication? Just making sure.

$800,000. Is that, like, in pesos?

• TV STARS' SALARIES: WHO EARNS WHAT? [TV Guide]

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."
• Silda and Eliot Spitzer "made only two seconds of eye contact during dinner" at Gabriel's. [P6]
• Anna Wintour is basically holding the Bill Blass fashion label together with he sweet talking and so forth. I guess in some circles she's known for that? Odd. [Post]
• Was Madonna's brother's nasty tell-all book about Madonna published by a secret cabal that includes... MADONNA HERSELF?? From what I've read of that book, she's just devious enough to try it. [P6]
• The entire celebrity media convinced themselves that Lindsay Lohan was sideswiped by a motorcycle while on foot outside a club. But apparently that was entirely fabricated, presumably by a very unambitious prankster. Also, she and Samantha Ronson were headed to Boston the other night instead of breaking up forever.
• Wham! might reunite. Because what would those songs be without Andrew Ridgeley... standing there... smiling? [Sun]
• Charlie Sheen wants full custody of his daughters after batting down apparently false molestation charges from Denise Richards. Please don't say a divorce can't get any uglier than this, because then it totally will. [Sun]
• Ha ha, try dodging the Post and they'll take a picture of you without your shirt on, even if you are some big shot Catholic who totally bro'd down with Anne Hathaway's ex. [Post]
• Mario Lopez's biceps are replacing not one but both Extra hosts. [Post]
• LA boutique Kitson has dropped Lauren Conrad's collection due to poor sales. [OK!]

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n——r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]
• Yesterday, everyone was worried fashiongay Andre Leon Talley would ruin Michelle Obama by putting her in a bolero jacket or some other atrocious thing. He hasn't done that yet. Instead, the Vogue editor-at-large introduced the would-be first lady at a fashion-industry fundraiser while he was wearing "a kind of turban that recalled the much-discussed costume [Barack Obama] once wore in Somalia." No one should have a problem with Obama hanging out with what looks like a gay muslim, even an elitist gay fashion muslim in New York, so obviously no one, anywhere, will. [R&M]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway break up with her scuzzy Italian boyfriend, she also moved out. Yay! But what's this business about dinner at Cipriani? [P6]
• Relentlessly cranky novelist Tom Wolfe demanded to know why a developer insinuated he was anti-Semitic. OK, this time he might have a legitimate reason to be cranky. [P6]
• Broadway and former TV star Mario Lopez is being named People's "Hottest Bachelor," but he's still totally getting evicted from his Broadway theater to make way for Katie Holmes. The guy's biceps can't catch a break.
• Supposedly Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt just bought a $10,000 stash of guns, including "two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle." Suddenly, I'm kind of interested in seeing them in front of some reality television cameras again. Near other reality television stars. While drunk and angry. [The Superficial]
• So sad: Freeloading music critics get free drinks, but no free food, at a listening party. They stormed out in a huff, logically. [P6]
• The mother of 50 Cent's 11-year-old son claims the rapper burned down her Long Island mansion. He claims she totally monitors his cell-phone conversations with the son. Call it a draw? [R&M]

If you've had the great pleasure of catching an episode of Denise Richards' star vehicle, It's Complicated, or watching one of her many defensive "I'm A Good Person, Not A Sperm-Stealing Slut" promotional appearances, you may have noticed her quiet insistence on clearing up all those rumors that she stole Bon Jovi guitar hero Richie Sambora from former BFF Heather Locklear. Adding salt to Heather's wound is her assurance that the two weren't even friends — Richards told The View she just met Heather through shared ex and current pay-for-sex repeat offender Charlie Sheen. But Locklear's camp tells the NY Post that the blonde "has phone records that prove Denise was calling Richie while Heather was still married to him...Heather was such a good friend to Denise. She gave Denise clothes and offered her a shoulder to cry on...there are even photos in the press of Heather taking Denise out after she and Charlie split."

Well we're sold. If Heather says she has phone records, says she has pictures, and says she gave Denise actual clothes (since when does the husband get the wife's wardrobe in divorce court?), we don't need further proof. After all, Locklear told us "glamour is all about what you feel inside" in those L'Oreal spots, and truer words were never, ever spoken.

As for Hefner's wild bunch, TMZ reports that producers of everyone's favorite sunny and sparkly show best played on mute, The Girls Next Door, have found themselves in the middle of number one prostitute girl Holly Madison's and trailer park refugee Kendra Wilkinson's battling egos. Though mere (yawn) jealousy is at the center of the fight for Hef's Viagra-bolstered bedroom moves, we're confused about the reported "flying fur" producers are dealing with. Are wigs being torn off? Bikini wax remnants saved and thrust across the pool? We'll have to actually watch the damn thing to demystify that enigma.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• CLAWS OUT AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION [TMZ]
• DENISE'S 'REALITY' CHALLENGED [NYP]

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]
• Condé Nast is accused of stiffing the widow of advertising rainmaker Steve Florio by not handing over her husband's full severance, insurance and benefits. [P6]
• "Oh, hey, you know what would be romantic, clingy Jennifer Aniston?" "What, manorexic John Mayer?" "A stay at the Mexico vacation home of Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, who served jail time for filming naked underaged girls! He just asks that we not disturb any evidence!" "Yaaay!" (Sorry, it's a lot better with the puppets.)
• This picture of movie Harry Potter is seriously the most frightening thing I've seen all night. Oh, also, he's buying a butt exerciser for some kind of Broadway role (picture does not involve his butt). [R&M]
• Britney Spears took a topless swim at a tops-optional Las Vegas pool lounge. None of the paparazzi got any shots, except of Spears in a skimpy outfit, and now Spears is said to be hawking her own topless photos from the swim. Or, well, technically her father runs her business affairs now by court order so... Ew.
• Lindsay Lohan has been "amazing" on the set of her movie, which means she's not getting drunk or high or passing out or committing felonies during working hours. Well, sure, but it's summertime. There aren't any nice coats lying around to steal. [People]
• Denise Richards admits to having 10 dogs. Sure they're on a ranch, but... why? "I am not sure why there is so much drama about how many animals I have," she said. Also: after she split with Charlie Sheen, Richards totally stole Heather Locklear's man, while they were friends. But on her reality show, she says they totally weren't friends any more, for three months. [P6]

Displaying the same take charge attitude that allegedly drove ex-husband Charlie Sheen into the arms of hookers dressed like cheerleaders, Richards gets Sabrina to admit that she should have returned the clothes in question. Denise then lectures them on learning to get along better and the importance of proper communication. Given the outstanding communication and problem solving skills that Denise and Charlie displayed during their divorce, one can only applaud the E! network's appreciation of irony.

• Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis. [...]

Richards claims the [sperm donation] e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

While our knowledge of fertility-sciences is limited at best, we're almost positive that if Sheen's sperm is prostitute-tranny-infested, it's not necessarily a given that the resulting child would come out a hot mess. On the contrary—they could turn out totally fierce! (Unless, of course, Richards's egg is also prostitute-tranny-infested. Then the trannytute gene is dominant, and you're pretty much guaranteed a hot tranny baby mess.)

• FURIOUS DENISE RETURNS FIRE [NY Post]

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

But, "Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?"

In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen's hot sitcom, "Two and a Half Men," which "eventually will net her up to $25 million," the source said. [...]

With Richards' financial needs accounted for, the question remains: Why? Why subject herself and her children to constant, craftily story-edited observation when she could have just as easily have spared them the experience? Perhaps the show itself will provide the elusive answers, and so now, it's just a matter of waiting until Denise Richards: Yes, I Actually Exist—Kill Yourselves, Kill Yourselves Now premieres to scrutinize it for possible clues.

• SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL [NY Post]

• WATCH VIDEO

• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!
• A Columbia student's $11,000 mink coat was stolen from a New York club during a private party, and she figured she was screwed. Then she saw actress Lindsay Lohan wearing it in a paparazzi photo. She went apeshit and had it returned, but no explanation was forthcoming. "Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up." [P6]
• Actor Charlie Sheen has a date for his wedding. Oh, and he's also putting it on the calendar. HEY-OH! Seriously, though, May 30. Only 22 bachelor parties to go! [Perez]
• Angelina Jolie's forthcoming twins are girls, but there are all kinds of worries about the birth. [Star]