Gawker: Charlton Heston

The 'NY Times' Regrets Not Knowing Charlton Heston's Real Name, Age

noelle_hancock — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:28:05 EDT

If you've ever been a fact-checker, you probably had beaten into you the fact that — above everything else — you must get a person's name and age right. When we were starting out, we once let "Kerri" Kennedy Cuomo slip by us and we can still count the cane lashing scars on our ass. So our buttocks started tingling in sympathy when we read the New York Times' corrections admitting that they'd screwed up Charlton Heston's birth name and age in his obituary. There were some other goofs as well.

An obituary in some editions on Sunday and in some copies on Monday about the actor Charlton Heston misstated his given name at birth. It was John Charles Carter, not Charlton Carter.

A front-page obituary and a headline in some editions on Sunday about the actor Charlton Heston misstated his age and the year of his birth. He was 84, not 83, and was born in 1923, not 1924.

And a list of Mr. Heston's films accompanying the obituary on Monday misstated the relationship between two characters in the film "Midway," in which Mr. Heston played a Naval officer. The characters, the officer's son and a woman of Japanese descent, are hoping to marry; they are not already married.

The obituary also referred incorrectly to the character played by Orson Welles in the film "Touch of Evil," in which Mr. Heston had a starring role. The character, Quinlan, is a police captain, not a sheriff.

If Britney Spears has taught us anything (and, really, there are too many things to count), it's that these obits are written years in advance. Writer Melissa Kirsch points out that this had probably been in the works since 1999 when he was battling prostate cancer and rewritten again after the onset of Alzheimer's. Yet, no one caught it.

The police captain/sheriff mix-up, however, is a little more forgivable. We thought that the only difference was sheriffs are required to have mustaches and travel in the company of tumbleweeds. But, hey, that's why we don't write for the Times.

We Are All Made Of Diamonds

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:36:58 EDT

If having your loved one cremated and poured into a jar that sits in your house isn't enough remembrance for you, LifeGem has a better idea: take those ashes, subject them to a huge amount of force, and create a diamond to wear around. You'll always know the gem was made from, as the company puts it, a very special "carbon source"—that means your loved one! You can even get them for your pets, which are also diamond-worthy carbon sources. Once your order is delivered, we imagine, you sing a creepy little song about "the diamond within you," and cackle maniacally. Strange business. As TNR points out, this would be an apt fate for Charlton "Soylent Green" Heston. Below, some of the company's gently persuasive sales pitch, which is somehow hair-raising. There's no right way to sell this product.

Why choose a Precious Pet LifeGem diamond?

Because I'll always remember... how you preferred a milk jug to an expensive toy. how you ate everything I couldn't stand. how you protected me with your life, but secretly hid when I was gone. how you helped "break in" all of the new furniture. how you were always there for a hug when I needed it most. how you gave me a reason to come home. how I loved you with all my heart, but you always loved me more.

For the love you share... If you have been searching for the most unique and priceless connection to the one you love, the LifeGem® is right for you. Each LifeGem®, created from the carbon in a lock of hair, symbolizes your precious and personal bond with another. With this closeness offered only by a LifeGem®, you will have your loved one with you and in your life at all times.

A Snapshot of the American Psyche

ian spiegelman — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 12:58:53 EDT

The papers and the news shows (and next year's Oscars) are going to bore us stupid with footage of Biblical and gladiatorial chesty male sweatiness. But what do everyday folks think of when they think of Charlton Heston? Soylent Green, and "from my cold dead hands."

Charlton Heston, Actor

ian spiegelman — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 08:57:55 EDT

Well, you can have his gun now. Oscar winning actor, NRA president, and all around iconic conservative slab of beefcake, Charlton Heston, died last night at his Beverly Hills home. He was 84. "His death was confirmed by a spokesman for the family, Bill Powers, who declined to discuss the cause. In August 2002, Mr. Heston announced that he had been diagnosed with neurological symptoms 'consistent with Alzheimer’s disease.'" [NYT] Olds, and The New York Times, will remember him as the star of The Ten Commandments and Ben-Hur, but for the rest of us, he will always be the man who launched a thousand spoofs. Update: "Heston was born John Charles Carter in Evanston, Illinois, on Oct. 4, 1923, though the year of his birth has been in dispute for years, with some sources saying he was born in 1924." [Bloomberg]

While many thespians of his generation were students of the naturalistic "Method" school of acting, Heston would have none of that pussy crap, and prided himself on being a Movie Star who could win at yelling and hit the mark without tripping over the scenery. And scenery feared him. Because he could eat the hell out of it. But his style was wonderfully suited to the roles he chose. There is little room for subtlety when you're damning the maniacs who blew up the earth! Or when you're confronted by damned dirty apes! And no one's in the mood for James Dean's sissy-boy whining when you've just found out that your favorite snack is made out of people! I Am Legend? Heston's Omega Man would have ripped Will Smith's face off right off it's silly skull.

Sadly, Heston's last prominent role was as himself in Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine. Moore wanted to debate Heston over his appearance at an NRA rally in Flint, Michigan, in the wake of a six-year-old boy shooting a six-year-old girl to death there. Nobody won.