• Didn't see this coming: GLAAD has released a statement approving ABC's decision to cancel two Adam Lambert appearances in the wake of his controversial AMA performance. Glambert was not cut for kissing a man and simulating oral sex on stage, they explain, but because he did so without telling anyone he was going to do it. It means he can't stay on script, which is a fate that perhaps befalls stars who get their start in quasi-reality show settings. GLAAD buys ABC's excuse, noting that the letwork lets gays, lesbians, and trannies kiss on air from time to time. (Go, Ugly Betty, go) TMZ, however, notes that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry had an impromptu kiss at the 2003 Oscars and never suffered consequences. Update: Wanna know what GLAAD isn't okay with? Saying that they're okay with banning gay performers. GLAAD issued a mealy-mouthed "clarification" of their previous statement that doesn't really change anything: They're against double standards for gays and disappointed that Lambert's not appearing on ABC, but they checked with ABC and this is not one of those situations, so ABC's fine to ban him, or something. Anyway, here's the whole thing from GLAAD PR director Rich Ferraro

  Update on Statement from GLAAD on ABC's Decision to Cancel Performances by Adam Lambert

  Since his American Music Awards performance occurred GLAAD has consistently advocated that Adam Lambert and openly gay artists not be held to a double standard. As we have expressed publicly, it is disappointing that ABC will not give Lambert a chance to perform at this time. GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

  [TMZ]

• 
  
• Miley Cyrus got Lindsay Lohan's "breathe" tattoo, but under her boob [fig.1] instead of on her wrist. It's all part of young Hollywood's plan to merge themselves into one big Transformers-like monster of indiscernible mom-nightmare. Miley was photographed cavorting in an ill-fitted hot pink bikini with visible boob pads. Her "Just breathe" tat is definitely new, because there are pictures of her pantomiming "it iches." [fig.2] [DailyMail]
• 
  
• As if Rihanna wasn't intimidating enough already: Asked about the rumor that she is a size queen, Rihanna laughed in a radio interview and replied, "guilty as charged, guilty as charged." She also likes tall men, and wearing heels. "If it's a one-night stand situation there's only one thing that matters. I don't think personality matters right there." Sounds like she's on the rebound? [TMZ]
• 
  
• Oh, so now he's all holier than thou: Chris Brown would like alleged Tiger Woods-beater Elin Nordegren to know, from one domestic abuser to another, that it's not okay to hit the ones you love. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• Speaking of Chris, his 20/20 interview airs tonight. His PR team's tenacity is unrelenting. [NYDN]
• 
  
• The Salahi Saga continues. Three Secret Service members are on administrative leave for their role in admitting the D.C. party crashers to Obama's state dinner. Nonetheless, the Prez sez he "could not have more confidence" in his security, probably because everyone knows this was actually social secretary Desiree Rogers' fault, even though the White House is defending her. [NYP] [LAT]
• 
  
• Pamela Anderson is recording a single with Richie Rich, called "High," which is about high fashion, not drugs. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Casey Johnson vibrator victim Jasmine Lennard says the Johnson & Johnson heiress "turned up screaming, 'I love you'" yesterday and begged Lennard to drop charges for the time Casey broke into her home, stole her panties, and left a used vibrator in her bed. Somehow Nicky Hilton gets pulled into the mess, as does a P6 meta-reference: "I considered dropping the charges until I read her claim in Page Six that I somehow fabricated what she did to me. It has made me more determined for her to suffer the consequences." [P6]
• 
  
• Taylor Lautner is in the running to be Max Steel in the comic-book-turned-movie of the same name. He's also hosting SNL this week. Sweet as the boy is, my prediction is "wooden." [LAT]
• 
  
• Kate Moss bought a bracelet straight off a woman's wrist, which must be one of the most powerful proofs of stylishness this world has to offer. But this item smells like a PR plant: Ad hoc bracelet-seller Ann Dexter-Jones is a professional bracelet-seller, too. Her debut jewelry line debuts this weekend. [P6]
• 
  
• Celebuspawn romance! 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger has supposedly been dating 15-year-old Tallulah Willis since Halloween. I can think of few things more awkward than reading about your teenage relationship in the New York Post, but celebuspawn know not awkwardness, born of grace and lightness are they. [P6]
• 
  
• "Destiny's Child Gals Reunite—For Lawsuit." Kelly Rowland is pissed because the copyright infringement suit that is dragging them to Chicago is all Beyonce's dad's fault, for pushing to get his daughter's name in songrwriting credits she didn't deserve. The catch-22 of stage parents is that the ones capable of making their kids into stars are also the one who end up sabotaging them later, inadvertently or otherwise. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  

  Figure 1.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Figure 2.
  

• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
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• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
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• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

• 26-year-old Edis Kayalar is accused of blackmailing Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy photograph" of their 8-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." The photo was taken by the girl's former nanny; Kayalar allegedly wanted $100K for it, but ended up handing it over to Gerber for a mere $1000 and the promise of a wire transfer in the near future. Excuse me, I have to go induce vomiting to get this horrible story out of my system. [NYDN]
• 
  
• "Everyone was talking" about Nicole Kidman at the CMAs. "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." Kidman reportedly "flipped out and took off running" when people started asking questions. [P6]
• 
  
• When Harry Potter gets high, he "laughs his head off." The Mirror says Daniel Radcliffe smoked a spliff at a party and started babbling about how awesome weed is and let a chick draw on his face, which is actually compelling evidence that Radcliffe is pretty clean-cut, because no self-respecting pothead would act that stupid unless a vaporizer was involved. [Mirror]
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• "Chris Brown still can't live down his Rihanna attack," Page Six says. Um, I should hope not, mostly because the phrase "live down" usually refers to sophomoric embarrassments, not brutal acts of violence against a loved one. Apparently Chris went to a shoe store where a woman screamed, "[bleep]ing beater! I hope someone beats the [bleep]ing [bleep] out of you!" and someone caught the inestimably uncomfortable, weirdly long confrontation on video, here. The most surreal part is how people continue to line up to get their photo taken with him, even as the heckler shrieks mere inches from their faces, and then a dude bro jumps into the frame and barks "Chris Brown is the MAN." [P6]
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• Zsa Zsa Gabor has $118,321 in unpaid taxes, which is nothing compared to the $10 million in unpaid Madoff dividends she has. [TMZ]
• 
  
• 1-year-old Trig will not appear in Barbara Walters' interview of Sarah Palin, owing to a cold that prevented him from making the trip from Alaska. The deal was supposed to be that Oprah got Palin's first interview, but Barbara would get an exclusive with Trig. Now she'll just have to settle for Willow and Piper. [P6]
• 
  
• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke told Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not to date: "After I cast him, I told Rob, don't even think about having a romance with her... She's under 18. You will be arrested." Now that Kristen's 19, though, all bets are off! Yahoo. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Maybe the nude romps got her in the mood? Rebecca Gayheart is expecting her first child with husband and fellow video hot tub video star Eric Dane. She is doing yoga, walking on the beach, and eating vegetables to enhance the fetus inside of her, because rich people do everything better, including child bearing. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As the latest installment of Michael Lohan's taped phone conversations with Dina make their way on Radar Online (Lindsay cuts, Dina feared for her daughter's life) TMZ reports that a protective order Dina got in 2005 bars Michael from communicating with her until 2011. Dina's lawyers are apparently working to get Michael thrown behind bars for it. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Balloon Dad Richard Heene's mugshot is out! It's not nearly as haggard as you'd hope, but gratifying nonetheless. [TMZ]
• 
  
• And in meta-gossip: TMZ stole from Radar. The latter posted Jon Gosselin's court documents against TLC, and an hour later, TMZ posted them, too—after having a photoshop expert scrub off Radar's logo. Clever Radar had "put other markings on the documents," though, so they laid the smack on Harvey Levin. Radar offers but one slyly bitchy comment: "Theft is the sincerest form of flattery." [P6]
• 
  

• Hey there, Michael Lohan. You again? Yes, you again. Apparently, Lohan tried to get money for tapes where one could heard recorded conversations of himself, Dina, and Lindsay. Apparently, they were not worth the $100,000 asking price he wanted for them, because, you know, for one thing, you can get that kind of thing for free. And for another: even the Nixon Tapes didn't go for $100,000, as close as a phone call between Michael and Dina Lohan comes to the Nixon Tapes, I still don't see them going for a cool hundo grand. Naturally, this came with a denial:

  Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that." He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

  But Zombie Radar says Lohan wanted money, they turned him down, and he gave them the tapes for "exposure." So, yes, Michael Lohan taped conversations of himself, Dina, and LiLo, and is trying to sell them for money under the guise of helping his own daughter and thus, his celebrity. If you haven't received it, your Father of the Year: Long Island District trophy is on the way, and you've now made nationals. Keep truckin', Michael. Also, I feel greasy just looking at your picture. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rihanna will not accept your offers of $10,000 bubbly wine, peasant strangers. She only drinks from the kind offerings of the Benevolent Sir Jay-Z, except when Beyonce is around, because Beyonce probably wants you to go away worse than Chris Brown does. Anyway. Rihanna refused a bottle of pricy bubbly from Braylon "I've Made It My Life's Mission To Savagely Fuck Up Foster's Fantasy Season Three Years In A Row" Edwards of the New York Jets because she didn't know who he was. You don't? You should! He's famous. Famously terrible. Also, this last sentence of the item:

  Also at the club was Mickey Rourke entertaining his girlfriend's mother from Russia.

  Wuuhhhhaaaatttt? [Page Six]
  
  

• Now that the revelation that he had one is out there, we've learned: Andre Agassi was absolutely terrified of his hairpiece going "rogue" as the New York Post put it. What does that even mean? It'd root for Pete Sampras? Or it'd start watching Suddenly Susan? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Interview publisher Peter Brant's ex-wife, Stephanie Seymour, is looking hot. And Vanity Fair decided to rub it in his face by doing a photo spread of her, and Page Six took it a step further by writing the item, and I think Interview sucks, so you know, here we are. Peter Brant, your ex-wife is smokin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, there's some British woman named Katherine Jenkins who we're supposed to care about, according to the British Tabloid Press? She's coming to America, I have no idea who she or why this matters. We're looking into whether or not we should give a shit at press time. All other questions can be referred to my publisher. Thank you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does it surprise you that Shawn Wayans is a good dad and makes his kids laugh when they're crying? It does not surprise me. Damon Wayans, on the other hand... [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Wintour said something nice about somebody getting a job and it's in Page Six. Enjoy. Savor, even. [Page Six]
  
  
• Message From Paris, to America: "You suck, you dumb, declasse morons. Also, stop ruining nightlife. Also, Jerry Lewis for President." [Page Six]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker admits in an interview that she loves the smell of wet diapers. Ergo, shit. Which explains working on Sex and the City for so long. [NYDN]
  
  
• Please, Rihanna, please stop talking about how Chris Brown beat you, says Chris Brown. Please Chris Brown, go back to the cave from whence you came and kindly shut the fuck up, says the world. [NYDN]
  
  
• HA. TLC's advertisers were beginning to complain about Jon Gosselin's behavior before they shut down the show. What, stomping around France with the Ed Hardy guy is bad for TLC? They should've just made a show about that and called it something like "Men? Hardly." Whee! [NYDN]
  
  
• America's Sweetest Homophobe Carrie Prejan has a sex tape, and her mother saw it. Karma, hello. [TMZ]
  
  
• TMZ's celebrating their fourth birthday by feeding a bunch of celebrity children Columbian Grade-A Coke and filming them talking about their parents. No, I made that up. Happy 4th Birthday, TMZ! Harvey Levin, you're a charmer. [TMZ]

And...this will be an interesting day. It already is. Wake up, get your dancing shoes on. But stay seated and keep clicking on things. But don't stop #ChairDancing. Seriously! Don't. Learn from Spike Jonze:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

The LAPD placed two officers, Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, on leave in connection with their investigation into the leak, the AP reports; supposedly the officers in question met Levin at a gay/lesbian networking event, at least according to a report floated in TheMediaBuffet.com, which last winter was first to report that TMZ paid $62,500 for the police snapshot.

Lopez's attorney has issued a blanket denial that she had anything to do with the leak; Reyes' lawyer has, according to AP, said she "did nothing criminal or anything for financial gain" — a much more specific denial that leaves open that possibility that TMZ's money may have gone to a friend or relative, as anti-paparazzi advocates claim is common practice.

The question of Reyes and Lopez's guilt is beside the point as far as the effect on TMZ is concerned: It's going to be harder to get the cooperation of law enforcement sources if they think it is at all likely a witchhunt will put their steady government job and comfy, government-funded retirement at risk, leaving them in the cold during a recession. Maybe Levin should put these two on the TMZ payroll, as a counter-example to others. He could certainly afford it.

(Pic: Levin at a Laker's game in April. Getty.)

• The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]
  
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]
  
  
• How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]
  
  
• The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]
  
  
• Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]
  
  
• Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.

• Oprah once dedicated an episode on domestic violence to all "the Rihannas in the world," which Chris Brown described as a "slap in the face" because he has helped Oprah and Africa and the world, so he deserves respect and Oprah can suck it and should have offered assistance. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Rihanna has clearly moved on from Chris Brown: the singer has been running around Los Angeles with Travis London, who has been "linked," whatever that means, to Mary-Kate Olsen. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's album, which comes out in November, has hit Amazon's number one music slot, which means she's beating out the legendary Whitney Houston. That's got to hurt. [3am]
  
  
• The Miss Universe court has confirmed that Donald Trump helps pick the top 15, but absolutely promise the top ten are picked by outside judges. [Page Six]
  
  
• When Jerry Powers sold out his Ocean Drive magazine to Niche Media, he signed a noncompete contract. But now he's suing to be released so he can start a new glossy and publish a teen-targeted non-profit publication, which Niche rudely considers competition. [Page Six]
  
  
• Celebrity baby fans, pay attention: Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs have welcomed their first child, a son named Walter, into the world. Rejoice! [NYDN]
  
  
• Crazed fans held up filming on Sex and the City Sequel when they swarmed Cynthia Nixon, forcing her to barricade herself in her trailer until enough holy water could be delivered. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• A tabloid recently ragged on Russell Crowe for eating tacos and smoking while he was meant to be riding his bike with a trainer. Not one to let others make an ass of him, Crowe has now challenged the gossip columnist to a two-wheeled duel. [Mirror]
  
  
• Speaking of hold ups, Nike has put off plans to release the late DJ AM's shoe line. The company and his family have discuss the "next step in terms of release." Does that mean money? [TMZ]

While, yes, Brown did discuss his family's familiarity with domestic violence — his step-father hit his mother, Joyce — but he brought nothing else new to the table. Rather, the pop star skirted most of King's questions, particularly the specifics of his and former girlfriend Rihanna's relationship.

When asked about alleged past blow-outs, Brown simply furrowed his brow, feigned ignorance and let his lawyer try to pin the blame on a probation officer, who was obviously mistaken and made a mistake in citing past incidents in the official report.

Fine, okay. That's what lawyers do: they make their clients look better than they are. But Chris really didn't help, for he came off as, quite simply, a man who was doing what he thought needed to be done: appearing on national television in a bid to clear the air, but, in the end, not really clearing the air.

The most Brown did to address his violent streak was to blame his youth: no one taught him and Rihanna how to love one another; relationships get heated; there's no class on controlling anger. Really? One would think that after watching his mother, who, for the record, we like, get beat up on, Brown would have more respect for women.

Even the singer's dimwitted attempts at chivalry, like not discussing the specifics of the infamous night (out of "respect") came off as nothing more than an endeavor at saving face. When presented with the photo of a black, blue and bloodied Rihanna, Brown could simply mutter that he couldn't believe the showdown went down and expressed his luke-warm disappointment in himself.

While surely he and his publicity team thought tonight's appearance would help rehabilitate his image, Brown's overall emotionless will likely only strengthen the image of him as a villain. Too bad, because we used to really like him. Now he just looks like a jerk.

He would have been better off flying under the radar and then coming back with something so spectacular that the world forgot all about his violent temper and focused on his talent, which has now been tarnished forever by both his girlfriend-beating and terrible CNN appearance.

We're going to call a preemptive bullshit, but here's what Brown had to say:

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times — and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.

The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer — which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No."

It wasn't appropriate for him to discuss his actions, but it is totally acceptable for him to go on national television and beg for the public's forgiveness? Is this man from Mars?

On a related note, Soulja-Boy described a recent Brown collaboration as "a smash." Ha!

Brown also says that when he hears reports of what he did to his ex-girlfriend, "I just look at it like, wow. I'm in shock, because that's not who I am as a person…I don't know what to think. It's just like, wow."

On the infamous photo of Rihanna's beaten face, Brown says, "When I look at it now, it's just like, wow. I can't believe that that actually happened."

Brown's mother Joyce Hawkins was also present for the interview, and says that she was "totally shocked" by his assault because "Chris has never ever been a violent person."

However, reports have come out that Brown and Rihanna's relationship was plagued with violence. The couple got in a shoving match in Europe three months prior to the February incident. Also, in January 2009, the couple got into an argument in a car in Barbados, during which Brown exited the vehicle and smashed the driver and passenger side windows.

Chris Brown says he still loves Rihanna [CNN]
Chris Brown and Rihanna Had a History of Violence [People]
Chris Brown Tells PEOPLE: 'I Still Love Rihanna' [People]

• Because we don't see enough of her, Lindsay Lohan's reportedly shopping a reality show. Said a source, "Her manager is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again." [Mirror]
  
  
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett, wants to star in a reality show. That is, after he gets out of a detention center, where he's trying to kick his raging drug problem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Chris Brown's post-Rihanna beating rehabilitation will include a year of domestic violence counseling at Virginia's Commonwealth Catholic Charities. If anyone can set him straight, its the nuns. [AP]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's family intended on burying him over the weekend, but have now decided to do the deed on a Thursday. And that decision will triple their costs, bringing the grand total to something around $150,000. [TMZ]
  
  
• Some insane fans of Robert Pattinson, the hunky Twilight star, put his face on a shower curtain. Now they can say, "I shower with Robert Pattison" and almost be telling the truth. [3am]
  
  
• Anne Heche railed against the institution of marriage on The Late Show. She's crazy, but we like her. [YouTube]
  
  
• Her rep insists it's hog wash, but an "insider" insists that actress Minka Kelly and baseball playing man Derek Jeter are engaged. [Page Six]
  
  
• Avril Lavigne and her husband Deryck Whibley are headed down the road to divorce, say sources. She apparently wanted time alone, but spent her time hanging out with "male admirers." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Deformed music producer Scott Storch was kicked out of his Miami home when a bank took it back last week. Now he's living in Fort Lauderdale's W hotel. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Mewes, the actor better known as Jay from Kevin Smith's movies, attended the Degrassi Goes to Hollywood premire and revealed that he wants to touch Seth Rogan. [Zack Taylor]
  
  
• Dumb model Paulina Porizkova doesn't want people to think she's a dumb model, so she took to the web to name some of her favorite literary works. And they're all over 500 pages! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney, we know you're a legend and all, but do we really need to see you getting fresh with your girlfriend at a baseball game. Really? [Daily Mail]

According to a new probation report, the pop star duo's physical altercations spanned the globe: Rihanna once slapped Brown while in Europe, and, like the real man that he is, he shoved her against a wall. Then, while visiting Barbados, Brown became so infuriated with the "Umbrella" songstress that he broke her cars' windows. Tsk, tsk.

Considering Brown's violent history, the judge insisted today that Brown's community service include hard labor, that he attend domestic violence counseling, and also enacted a 50-yard restraining order that expires in 2014. No more basketball games for these two tough love birds. We bet you're sorry now, Brown.

Wrigley had the bright idea to pay Chris "Bubblegum" Brown to put out a pop song that was actually a Wrigley commercial—but without telling anyone it was a Wrigley commercial. The public ate it up! It went huge on pop charts! Proving that people who drive chart sales have no taste, and Wrigley has no ethics.

We issued a (futile) call for a Wrigley boycott but then it turned out Chris Brown was a terrible woman-beater so I guess karma took care of it all for us. The moral of the story is Chris Brown sucks and Doublemint tastes like old rubber bands.

• Amy Winehouse's ex-husband says that she once reached into Kate Moss' handbag and swiped a baggie of cocaine from her. This has to be the most awesome thing the ole junkie's ever done while on a binge, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ample-assed famous person Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, have split up. As a lifelong Saints fan, I couldn't be more pleased. KK is Reggie's Yoko Ono, just a world class succubus. [Sun]
  
  
• Love letters Madonna wrote to an ex-boyfriend from the early 90s, a former bouncer at Limelight named James Albright, have been put up for sale by some entrepreneur looking to make a buck. It appears as though the most startling revelation of these letters is that Madonna liked to brag about how cute her "booty" was back in the day. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh here's news that'll make your day brighter—it looks as though Lauren Conrad's new novel, LA Candy, is being optioned to be made into a film. And LC's hard at work on a second book! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new reality show featuring Tobey Maguire's mom and little brother called "Growing Up Maguire" is in the works. No, we have no idea how this happened. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna and Chris Brown are claiming that the fact that they were both staying in the same hotel recently is merely a coincidence and that no laws were broken and please don't come and arrest Chris for breaking his restraining order Mr. Police Officer. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino got his buddy Eli Roth, who is Jewish, to make a bunch of Nazi propaganda films that Tarantino is using in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has been released from the psych ward and claims that she'll be returning to work on her new TV series within the next couple of weeks. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Some sicko in possession of Michael Jackson's hair from the infamous Pepsi head-fire incident during the 80s says he plans to convert the hair into diamonds and sell them to fans. Yeah. [Sun]
  
  
• Katie Holmes was nearly set ablaze when a car on the set of her new movie exploded due a faulty battery or something. Katie reportedly noticed sparks coming from the engine area and bolted from the car seconds before it went up in flames. [Daily Mail]

Along with 7 million others, I watched the video of the Minnesota couple and their bridal party white man shuffling down the aisle to the pulsating beats of Chris Brown's great modern masterpiece Forever.

My thoughts were mixed on that one: on the one hand, I was squirming and wincing at times — I agree with this assessment that "there are very few things more uncomfortable than watching someone deliberately make a fool of themselves when they aren't really prepared to deliberately make a fool of themselves" — but on the other hand, I showed the video to a special man friend this weekend and at the end of it he looked at me, startled, and said Wait, are you CRYING!?

What? That somersault was really touching.

I wanted to see if Alessxbdjandra Sta*(&^nley had filed an error-ridden think piece on the video, but then I remembered that the "assessment of viral web sensations two weeks after they've been forgotten about" beat belongs to Virginia Heffernan. Look for it in next week's Sunday Mag! Still, it's telling that my Google search for new york times wedding dance yielded, as like the third result, this:

That's from 1914! Man, dinner served at midnight? Those people partied hard. Also, the New York Times used to be a way better read! Although I can't begrudge them for giving us this colorful he-said-she-said with respect to restauranteur Jimmy Bradley and his beloved "type-A preppy marathoner from Connecticut" Rebecca Babcock:

"He was this gray-haired man, smelling like a dirty hippie with his patchouli oil and kitchen grease," Ms. Babcock said.

"She was this teeny-bopper, sporting a Paris Hilton-esque ensemble and gold shoes," Mr. Bradley said.

Harsh! They're doing my job for me. But really, what did they expect hanging around Soho House, where they met? The article drily asserts that "Ms. Babcock had first recoiled at the sight of Mr. Bradley", the chef and owner of the restaurant Red Cat. But then he recreated the scene in Spanglish where Adam Sandler takes Penelope Cruz to his empty restaurant and seduces her with his whisk, and soon the pair were vacationing in Paris, Italy, and Hawaii.

They wed at Mountain View Farm in Vermont — owned, of course, by the bride's family — and ate things like "fried troutlings with drizzles of green aioli" and "truffled Arctic char tartare". And the guests were treated, like so many Phish fans at Fenway, to a serendipitous rainbow.

If you can't get into the SoHo House, might I suggest another romantic locale? Aging spinsters, take note: a 34 year-old woman was able to snag a sprightly young environmental lawyer six years her junior the reliable way: with a trip to Vegas.

"He was wearing a seersucker suit," she recalled. "I thought, 'Who wears a seersucker suit to Las Vegas?' I had figured he was either a complete wacko or a smart and edgy guy. So I just went up to him and asked him if he got lost on his way to the Kentucky Derby."

I have nothing to add.

After work drinks with girlfriends are about to become much more annoying now that all your lady friends will have read about TheFrisky.com's Wendy Atterberry, who complained over bevvies with some pals that she just couldn't find an "intellectual-lifeguard" type.

Somehow, one of her friends actually understood what that meant and dialed up Andrew Condell, who was standing on a ladder surrounded by Sheetrock holding something called a spackle knife when the phone rang. SUCH an Aiden, except hopefully things will end up better.

Elsewhere, the daughter of an actor who "has appeared on all three versions of "Law and Order" on NBC" married a fellow Dartmouth alum she met in New Zealand; two Camp Trin-Trin poster children returned to their alma mater to be wed; a French Canadian dude managed not to be too skeeved out that his wife's dad financed the wedding off profits from the lingerie trade; a ceremony was performed that "included Irish and Jewish traditions" (that's a fancy way of saying they chugged Jameson's while being held up on chairs); and these people are smarter than you.

Kelly Coughlin, Ernest Bourassa Jr.

• The couple met at Boston College, from which they both graduated cum laude: +2
• They got married at a church on the BC campus: +1
• Bride is becoming a first-grade teacher: +2
• Groom's mother works at Williams-Sonoma, meaning they have the best wedding present hookup: +1
• Bride's father is the CFO of Tyco International and a trustee of the Delbarton School: +2, and if you'd like to see the finished products of that fine institution of higher lacrosse, simply poke your head into the Parker House circa 4pm on a summer Saturday and consider yourselves warned.
• Bride has a master's in elementary education from Columbia and groom has a CPA: +3
• Added up, the couple's collective age is probably younger than some of the liquor you've got under your sink: +1
TOTAL: 12

Laura Davis, H. James Stahl

• Ceremony was held in Bridgehampton: +1
• Bride is the director of alumnae relations at the Nightingale-Bamford School: +1
• Groom is a Merrill Lynch bond trader in the global distressed space, which is the asset class of choice these days: +1
• Bride's mother is "a member of the National Council of the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington" and her father is a retired Citi MD: +2
• Groom's dad is the retired head of a hotel management group in Honolulu bearing his name: +3
• "The bridegroom is a descendant of Paul Revere": +5 if by land ...
TOTAL: 13.

In all fairness, here's the original video:

And who couldn't think the idea was incredibly cheesy? Trying to recreate a special moment that happened a few months ago on national television is typically the kind of thing that will suck the blood out of said sentiment. But at the end of the day, the couple got to take their friends to New York - experience the complete and utter assy-ness of network tv execs - and eventually dance with the slight self-awareness that they're not actually great dancers. And have a great time doing it:

Not so bad, right? The couple, Kevin Heinz and Jill Peterson, had more fun at their wedding than anybody I've ever seen. Sure, the traditionalists amongst us might find it a little gauche, but really: can you blame them for enjoying themselves? Maura Johnston from Idolator nailed it, however, regarding their use of Chris Brown's song "Forever" for their dance:

This clip has done more for Brown's troubled career as a pop star than his apology regarding his February domestic-violence incident with Rihanna..

And it's true. Check out Brown's chart position today on the iTunes store for a months-old single that hasn't topped charts since before his domestic abuse issues came to light.Not bad for a guy who hasn't been able to shake a trail of bad press for months.

Granted, the video's not new: the couple were wed previous to Brown's savage abuse of Rihanna. But still, he definitely owes the happy couple a wedding present. And not to draw too big of a line, but...

Just days after Chris Brown publicly apologized for his February beating of then-girlfriend Rihanna, the two spent the weekend at the same luxury Midtown hotel under a cloak of secrecy, The Post has learned.

Yeah, they spent a few days hiding out from the world in a hotel together. So, better question: did a couple from Minnesota show Chris Brown and Rihanna what true love can be?

Probably not. Either way, if Chris Brown and Rhianna don't owe the happy couple a wedding present, maybe the rest of us do. It's nice to see what joy-filled newlyweds who aren't scary bridezillas or plucked from the savage waters of the New York Times Weddings and Celebrations look like every once in a while. Seriously.

Further reading:

Chris Brown Might Want To Send Jill And Kevin A Wedding Present [Idolator]
Secrets behind wacky Web wedding aisle dance [Today]
Is The Viral Video The New Status Symbol For Brides And Grooms? [Jezebel]