Actual caption of a Hallmark "difficult times" Xmas card, via the WSJ:

We can say it: this wasn't the year that any of us had hoped for. There are some kinds of loss that touch a whole family, and we've all felt it this year.

Jesus, it's Christmas time, you commies. How about looking on the bright side?

[Make your own and put them in the comments, what else do you have to do?]

You should probably read the incredible summaries posted by those who witnessed this bizarre celebration of one man's incredibly dysfunctional self-regard. The basic story: Glenn Beck is "Eddie," and he is poor, and his mom makes him a sweater, and then he kills his mom with ingratitude, and then he cries on the floor while a black woman sings at him, and then he runs through a cornfield during a storm, and his mom comes back to life. And then Glenn Beck, who is no longer Eddie, explains that the capitalists at Simon and Schuster forced him to write that terrible dream ending, and in reality, he did kill his real-life mom with ingratitude.

So. Uh. Yes. It is the confession of a damaged depressive masquerading as a heart-warming hacky Xmas tale that has no moral besides "be nice to mom or she will die but she won't really die but yes she will." Merry Christmas, everyone!

You may recall the American Crisis of Atheist Attack Ads from last year around this time. You may also look forward to seeing them next year around this time. Why do we, as humans, repeat the same, useless behaviors, over and over? Because of this:

Last year, a similar campaign by the association drew strong reactions.

The head of the Catholic League linked secular humanists to figures like Hitler and the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

Crazy Bill Donohue is our god.
[Pic via]

Tonight at 8pm on all the networks you can hear the president talk about a scary war that will surely give you and your children nightmares when you could have been watching Charlie Brown and Linus in a sneaky Jesus Christmas special. Now we have to wait a whole week to see the Peanuts gang as well as the debut of Prep & Landing, the new animated Christmas show produced by Walt Disney. Barack Obama hates Mickey Mouse too!

And guess what is on tomorrow night? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS. Thanks to Obama this gay rights parable will triumph over Charlie Brown's thinly-veiled conversion attempts. While he may hate everything that is holy and American, at least he loves the queers.

Christmas specials were feeding you messages to accept gays, love women, embrace Jesus, and do lots and lots of LSD. Yes, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeeris on CBS tomorrow night, and watching it can be like playing a Judy Garland record backward looking for Satanic messages. This is our early present to all of you out there. Free your minds from the traps set up by network executives and watch with your eyes wide open for the first time. These are our thoughts on five classics, but in the seasonal spirit of giving, please share the subtext of other more obscure specials in the comments. We know some of you out there speak the truth.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The Story: A reindeer that is born different casts himself out of normal society, until everyone realizes what makes him different also makes him strong, and he and the other "misfits" must save Christmas.
The Subtext: Rudolph's nose should shine with fabulous, because this is a tale of gay empowerment. Aside from Rudolph, his fey elf friend Hermey is also a big old queen and the Island of Misfit Toys looks like the craziest gay bar this side of the Ramrod.
Favorite Example: Yukon Cornelius was the first bear ever in an animated television special.
Nice List: Babygays, PFLAG moms, tom boys, anyone who might be a little bit odd, Levi Johnston.
Naughty List: School bullies, Fred Phelps, girlie girls, people who voted for Prop 8, Sarah Palin.

Frosty the Snowman
The Story: After being brought to life by a magic hat, Frosty has to flee the hot city or else he'll melt. An evil magician traps him in a greenhouse, where he melts, but Santa brings him back to life.
The Subtext: Global warming is a figment of your imagination, and praying to Jesus will save the environment and return the ice caps to their former glory.
Favorite Example: Seriously, Santa magically undoes all the damage from "greenhouse gases" with a flick of his wrist.
Nice List: People who think evolution is a joke, monkeys, your mother's pastor, Sarah Palin.
Naughty List: Scientists, thinking people, your rabbi, Al Gore.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
The Story: A furry green thing hates a bunch of strange insect-like creatures so much that he steals all their bizarre looking holiday accoutrement so that they can't celebrate. Then they sing in an alien language.
The Subtext: Do a shitload of drugs. The Grinch is Timothy Leary geeked out on acid and tripping so hard that he thinks that hoo-hinkers are real. By the end of the program, he sobers up and gives everything back.
Favorite Example: The hoo-roast beast is really the kid that the babysitter put in the microwave instead of the turkey.
Nice List: Stoners, Dead heads, ravers, Marion Barry.
Naughty List: Frat boys, Celine Dion fans, addiction counselors, Sarah Palin.

A Charlie Brown Christmas
The Story: Charlie Brown is sad because Christmas has become about fake trees and commercialism. He finds salvation in Jesus.
The Subtext: Do we have to spell it out for you? This cartoon special has converted more people than death row and foxholes put together.
Favorite Example: Linus lisping the message about three wise men coming to visit baby Jesus.
Nice List: Fundamentalists, Kirk Cameron, anti-consumerists, Marcie, Sarah Palin.
Naughty List: Scientologists, Alan Thicke, Wal-Mart, Peppermint Patty, Barney Frank.

The Year Without a Santa Claus
The Story: Santa is sick and wants to take a year off. Mrs. Claus gets two elves to go to Earth to get someone to convince Santa to get off his lazy ass and work. The humans will only do it if the elves can make it snow in the warm south. They have to go to Cold Miser and Heat Miser and convince them to let it snow where it should be sweltering. The two squabbling brothers won't do it, so Mrs. Claus goes to Mother Nature, who makes it happen and saves Christmas.
The Subtext: Fuck the patriarchy, women rule! With all the inept, lazy, fighting, macho men bumbling about, it's the ladies who get everything done.
Favorite Example: Mrs. Claus dresses up as Santa and says she could do the job if she really wanted to.
Nice List: Naomi Wolfe, diva worshipers, third-wave feminists, your mom, Hillary Clinton.
Naughty List: Dr. Ruth, misogynists, Girls Gone Wild, dear old dad, Sarah Palin.

On ABC Family at 8PM, there is: THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS. Okay, you ready: it's HOME ALONE meets HOMEWARD BOUND. There's this dog voiced by A.C. Slater, and the dog outsmarts a bunch of thieves who come to the house to piss on some well-to-do white family's Christmas tree. WHO WILL COME OUT ALIVE?

On CBS at the notably more risque hour of 9PM, there's A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS. Aside from the fact that this is the stupidest dog name since "Doctor Frumpykins Esquire," I can't even complete this sentence without, I mean: just...like, are you, UGH.

A Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation based on the novel of the same name, in which a developmentally challenged young man (Noel Fisher) adopts a yellow Lab that he names Christmas — while trying to convince his rural community to take part in the local animal shelter's "Adopt a Dog for Christmas" program.

This strikes me as unnecessarily cruel to developmentally challenged people, who are far, far more competent in the realm of making TV magic happen as opposed to whoever the fuck's running prime time TV these days. Hopefully the kid won't go all the way with this one, but if he felt the need to, he could certainly get into some method acting by occupying an office at either network's original programming divisions. Also, Christmas is officially here too early. I now feel violated by the Christmas spirit. I'm sorry, but doesn't a Christmas-themed movie about adopted dog and a "developmentally challenged young man" just feel exploitative? No. NO. DO NOT WANT. EVER. Also, why would two networks run competing made-for-TV movies about dogs? Theory:

TV's nod to the megapopular big-screen movie "Marley & Me," which opened last Christmas season with stars Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson — and told the tale of a mischievous yellow Lab, Marley, and his effect on his human family.

Oh, that's right. Because you saw it work a year ago and now two network heads think people want more of what they had before! Well, spoiler alert:

Yeah, the dog dies. It dies. It's depressing. Dogs are wonderful and then they die, like everything else, including the Christmas spirit, which you have just ensured to be empty and stillborn. Sure, I don't have to watch these shows—nobody does! And they shouldn't!—but that doesn't make CBS and ABC Family any less awful, and terrible, and just plain cruel and stupid. Those crook fuckers.

[Image via the Nazi Documentation Center of the City of Cologne.]

Canceled last year in light of budget cuts, this year's soiree will be at posh Sixth Avenue restaurant Aureole, where a foie gras torchon appetizer will set you back $23 and the lobster tails are served with a side of pork belly. But don't take my word for it. Just ask the culinary institution Condé Nast shuttered this year, Gourmet, which reviewed Aureole in June:

At the bar, where big windows look out to 42nd Street, people crowd in to air-kiss and clink glasses after work as they snack on pastrami pork belly sliders and fluke sashimi.... Crisp, tiny fried oysters come with a puddle of kimchi gelée and a fluff of lemon powder. Ravioli hide a rich purée of artichokes; it is hard to have any restraint. Entrées tend to be hunks of gorgeous protein like Copper River salmon, aged rib-eye steaks, lamb snuggled up to accompaniments like quinoa, preserved lemons, black garlic, and pickled ramps.... At $84 per person, it's my bet that the real money here will be made on the more casual lunch menu... [Emphasis added]

It may not be the Four Seasons (the venue of choice for the old Condé's holiday shindigs) but the free drinks should get them just as drunk, especially since there are fewer people to share with, now.

Despite Dismal Year, Condé Nast Revives Holiday Hurrah [NYO]
Restaurants Now: Aureole, Browntrout, Burma Superstar [Gourmet]

According to Keith Kelly, Lucky publisher Gina Sanders—married to Steven Newhouse, of the formerly declasse newspaper Newhouses—convinced Si of the necessity of hiring Michael Sheehan, who's coached presidents and aided AIG and JP Morgan. Who knows what Sheehan will do, besides pull in a hefty salary.

You know who is probably sadder about the end of the Conde Christmas Lunch than any of the Conde editors? Keith Kelly. No one's ever enjoyed analyzing a seating chart more than Kelly.

This is the second year in a row of no Xmas Lunch. Instead, Si will host a cocktail party, at night, which sounds more fun, to us, but we are not Graydon Carter, so what do we know?

Puff Daddy accidentally threw his $20,000 diamond ring into the crowd at a 106 & Park taping, while he was on stage hurling "bundles of cash" to hype things up. Which is only fair, since the cash was fake, with "$25 to $100 in singles mixed in with the funny money." Had he not flung his diamond ring accidentally, the impoverished crowd would have been within its rights to sell his organs, for Taco Bell money, simply for being forced to endure a Puff Daddy performance.

We should think about this issue more: Rich people have problems too. Where is the sympathy for them? Diddy's finger is now exposed to the elements. Goldman bankers are in a "Public Relations Bind" because if the general public finds out how much money they made, they will be robbed and robbed and despised and later robbed again, and still despised, and then robbed. Everybody always wants to "feel sorry" for the 97 year-old woman who lives in a 1973 Chevy Suburban with her two sons and begs on the side of the road. But nobody wants to feel sorry for a 27 year-old Goldman banker who might have his Dom Perignon purchases embarrassingly cataloged on bottom-feeder blogs.

Redistribute your sympathy accordingly. Hey, poors, wish you weren't poor? Here's an idea: Cancel Christmas. You can thank the economists later.
[Pic via]

Or at least that was our experience clicking through the song previews. Which is actually kind of a selling point, since we so often feel that way, during the holidays. We've collected some of the most beautifully nasal, haggard, mumbled — i.e. signature Dylan — vocals in the clip above, from"Hark the Herald Angels Sing," "O' Little Town of Bethlehem," "O' Come All Ye Faithful" and "Silver Bells," respectively.

We expect listeners will be more partial to tracks like "Here Comes Santa Claus," "Christmas Blues," "Christmas Island" and "Winter Wonderland." You can always spring for the $21 vinyl version; a needle makes everything sound more Christmas-y.

After all, a Dylan flourish would make the disc all the more gift-able!

Dylan has supposedly been recording the album at Jackson Browne's semi private studio in Santa Monica since May. Fans have already rewritten some holiday song titles for the famously nasal folksinger: "Spo-el, Spo-el;" "Po Middle Pawn o Methfaheem;" "Piddle Bunner Spoy" and "Cough the Gargle Nanges Wheeze."

What to expect from the actual music? The odds of something legacy-enhancing are slim. Let's look at what critics had to say about other holiday titles by long-established rock acts:

Lynyrd Skynyrd, Christmas Time Again: "Kinda sad. All these fellas want for Christmas is to be noticed again." —Denver Westword, December 14, 2000

Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. (Released posthumously.) "Holiday horror... [one] outtake features Jimi audibly saying 'Man, I really don't feel like going through with this. This is really silly.'" —Phoenix New Times, December 23, 1999.

Moody Blues, December: "Perfectly innocuous. C-" Entertainment Weekly, December 19, 2003.

Jewel, Joy: "Christmas standards slaughtered by Jewel... is there any reason... [it] even exists?" Dallas Observer, Dec. 16, 1999

Jethro Tull, The Jethro Tull Christmas Album: "Not so much progressive [rock] as moribund... bulked out with insipid cocktail- jazz instrumentals... tedious... joyless." The Independent (London), December 12, 2003.

"A number of retailers and toy makers launched Christmas sales and promotions this month, hoping to boost sagging sales and help cash-strapped consumers stretch out their holiday spending." Toys R Us! QVC! Buy six snowblowers, get a plastic reindeer 30% off!

And why not? The wise shopper doesn't wait until The Night Before Christmas to pick up her, I don't know, tinsel and shit. Stockings. They can sell out. Then your kids get their presents inside of socks. But wait—all the presents sold out, in July. See the logic?

It's not a question of whether doing your XXXmas shopping now is the right move—it's just a question of what to get. Is hedge fund manager Richard Perry on your Christmas list? Well don't get him a $2.3 million "pop-art 'diamond' the size of a water buffalo" by Jeff Koons. He already has that. It's on his roof, so all the neighbors can see it. They love it!

Actually it's atrocious and it throws off beams of light hot enough to incinerate ants blocks away, but complaining about it would be contrary to the Christmas Spirit. So unfreeze your icy hearts, America. The economic contraction slowed drastically in the past quarter. People seriously think the recession may be over. If the unemployed can get back to robbing Salvation Army bell-ringers earlier than ever this year, it can only help.

On Christmas Eve, a week after his divorce from his wife, Sylvia Pardo, was finalized, Pardo went to his in-laws' house with a gun and a fuel-spraying device. The Los Angeles Times has most of the details of what motivated his crime, how he planned to kill and torch his ex-wife's family, and how his escape went wrong:

• Pardo had a son, Matthew, with a previous girlfriend. The child, now 9, suffered brain damage after falling into a pool when he was 13 months old while his father was babysitting him. After sitting by his side for a week at the hospital, Pardo abandoned him, but continued to claim him as a tax deduction for seven years. When Sylvia Pardo discovered this, the couple fought, a feud which led to their divorce.
• The couple was separated for two years. Their divorce was finalized on December 18. Sylvia was awarded custody of the couple's dog Saki, a brown Akita.
• On Wednesday, Pardo drove a rented Dodge Caliber to his former in-laws' home in Covina, Calif., arriving at 11:30 p.m., and began shooting. "Pardo had disguised a pressurized fuel tank as a Christmas package and responded to the 8-year-old girl who answered the door to Santa Claus with a blast from a semiautomatic handgun."
• Pardo then shot partygoers: "A relative, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the dead included Pardo's ex-wife, her parents, two of her brothers and their wives, a nephew and a sister."
• Pardo had $17,000 in cash and a plane ticket to Canada strapped to his body, suggesting he planned an escape. But the fuel he sprayed ignited unexpectedly, and the Santa suit melted to his body, causing third-degree burns.
• Abandoning his escape plan, he drove 40 miles to his brother's house in Sylmar, Calif. His last act before shooting himself: turning his rental car into a bomb: "He removed his shredded suit and used it to set up a booby trap in the vehicle, police said. If the suit was moved, trip wires would ignite a flash fire and explode 200 rounds of ammunition."

(Photo by Covina Police Department via AP)