Republicans Can't Decide How They Won't Confirm Obama's Supreme Court Nominee

While conspiracy theorists continue to suss out the real cause of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s death, both sides of the Senate are preparing themselves for a long, insane fight over his replacement. Does Obama stand a chance of getting a nominee confirmed in the next 11 months? Here’s how the battle’s…
It Begins: Schumer Endorses Hillary Clinton for President
Not even waiting until a year has passed since the last general election, a prominent Democrat has officially endorsed an all-but-official candidate for 2016. In a speech in front of Iowa Democrats last night, New York Senator Chuck Schumer declared that "2016 is Hillary’s time.”
New York Senator Chuck Schumer thinks there's an Adderall problem on college campuses. Instead of amphetamine-based “academic doping,” Schumer has a few other suggestions for pulling all-nighters: “There's coffee, there's things like NoDoz."
Of Course House Republicans are Trying to Stop Hurricane Sandy Relief Funds
Hurricane Sandy relief efforts continued over the holidays with volunteers dropping off meals on Christmas eve and confidential documents being returned from the wreckage to their rightful owners. But good will can only go so far and victims in the north east are still waiting for federal aid to trickle in.
Now You Can Buy Guns on the Online Underground Marketplace
It's been eight months since we exposed Silk Road, the underground online marketplace where you can anonymously buy any drug imaginable. After our article, a couple U.S. senators declared war on Silk Road. But it hasn't been shut down. It's bigger than ever, and now you can buy a Glock with your LSD.
Chuck Schumer Has Found Another Caffeine Product to Destroy
Quiet, everyone, Sen. Chuck Schumer's going to tell us about the latest consumer product he doesn't like. Is it Four Loko? No, he already ruined that. Now he's onto inhalable caffeine.
Innocuous Long Island Joke Threatens Senate Comity
It's time for your daily dose of news about the important debates taking place in the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, the United States Senate. What critical public policy issues are its senior statesmen debating in good faith today? Who knows! Sens. John McCain and Chuck Schumer are pretending to fight over a…
Online Drug Market Vows to Fight U.S. Government Attacks
U.S. Senators have called on the Feds to crack down on the anonymous drug marketplace Silk Road. But Silk Road isn't going down without a fight.
Chuck Schumer Has Another Stupid Idea
The killing of Osama bin Laden has put a renewed focus on pumping time and money into failed counter-terrorism measures across America. So now, since ever-vigilant Senator Chuck Schumer has nothing better to do with his time, he wants to start a "no-ride list" for Amtrak trains across the country. That sounds like a…
Senators' Overheard Chatter Reveals That Politicians Have 'Talking Points'
A reporters' conference call began earlier than scheduled this morning thanks to the several Democratic senators hosting it, who were overheard talking tactics before realizing that some reporters were already on the line. They weren't discussing anything very secretive, but they were coordinating adjective…
Chris Christie and Chuck Schumer Trade Blows Over New York/New Jersey Underwater Rail Tunnel
After New York Senator Chuck Schumer blasted Chris Christie's decision to cut funding from a commuter rail tunnel as a "terrible, terrible decision," Christie shot back — telling Schumer to "mind his manners."
Chuck Schumer Won't Let China Poison Your Groceries
Senator Chuck Schumer is looking out for Americans by lobbying for a ban on reusable grocery bags that contain high levels of lead because, "to add insult to injury, guess where these bags are made? China." Fearmongering... Schumer style. [NYP]
New York Senator Tackles America's Most Pressing Problem, Four Loko
New York Senator Chuck Schumer says alcoholic energy drinks like Four Loko are "spreading like a plague across the country." This despite being extremely disgusting! Schumer is urging New York to ban the radioactive stuff. Washington's ban starts next week.
Chuck Schumer Encounters Crappy Voting Machine, Goes Nuts
New York Sen. Chuck Schumer apparently got all worked up this morning at his Brooklyn polling station, after he showed up too early and waited for the voting machine to load. Don't these ignorant machines know who Chuck Schumer is?

