• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
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• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
• 
  
• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
• 
  
• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
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• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
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• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
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• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

• Heidi Klum continues to defy gravity and nature, agreeing to yet another Victoria's Secret show shortly after giving birth her fourth child. Obviously, this woman sold her soul to the devil long ago in return for a flab-less belly and elastin-rich skin that knows not the plague of stretch marks. Vicki's is having a bit of a staffing crisis for this year's $12M show, with angel-wing heavyweights Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bundchen, and Adriana Lima all preggers. [P6]
• 
  
• Meanwhile, Amanda Peet told Parade she can't stop the parade of age: "I'll sag no matter what." Now that's my kind of girl. [P6]
• 
  
• "Sticky Fingers" Lohan is back! LiLo reported "stormed into the kitchen" at L.A. club Crown Bar "and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend." Presented with the check, she had a "meltdown," then had to call a friend to borrow a credit card number. This is deeply, tragically pathetic. You know, there was a time when being a young Hollywood trainwreck was enough to get you a free drink in this town. [NYDN]
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• The National Enquirer says Regina Letterman kicked Dave out of their Westchester manse, forcing him to live in relative squalor in his massive lower-Manhattan loft. But wait! Letterman's spokesman has denied the report to the Daily News, which sniffs that the "supermarket tabloid" has the story all wrong. Standards, people. [National Enquirer] [NYDN]
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• After blowing 0.08 and 0.09 breathalyzers and receiving a DUI, Stephanie Pratt is going to rehab. Hey, did someone just say "free champagne"? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Jon and Kate Gosselin were both invited to Phillies star Shane Victorino's Hawaiian paradise wedding, but only Jon went to the Flyin' Hawaiian's nuptials. The kids stayed home with Kate. [RadarOnline]
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• German police raided an apartment near Stuttgart in connection with Cindy Crawford's extortion case. Edis Kayalar, the 26-year-old German national accused of trying to blackmail Crawford with a horrifyingly sadomasochistic photo of her 8-year-old daughter, will definitely go to hell if the accusations are true. Even blackmailers have certain lines they don't cross. [NYDN]
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• Hotel owner Andre Balazs (of Meapacking porno fav Standard Hotel fame) is a cover boy: He co-stars with model Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni ads, because sometimes being filthy rich and fabulous just isn't enough, and you just need that extra oomph of being objectified by gay men, too. [P6]
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• Hurting for cash or overflowing with creative talent? Flavor Flav is entering Doritos' annual "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest, putting himself in the running for a $1 million prize. [P6]
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• "Ominous Illness Sidelines UFC Champ Lesnar": Apparently ultimate fighting's heavyweight champ is holed up in hospital in North Dakota, and everyone's whispering about what's really wrong with him. The first reports said swine flu; then they said mono. The whole ordeal is weirdly secretive, which makes me think of that one rapper who had AIDS. Hopefully Lesnar has something really shocking, but also benign, so we don't have to feel guilty about it. Like a third testicle, that has suddenly begun to descend. [TMZ]
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• Julianne Moore will guest on 30 Rock as Jack's lover. Apparently the surfeit of 30 Rock guests' Emmy noms has the cream of Hollywood's crop begging for a chance to get on the show. [NYDN]
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• Why is everyone still freaking out over Brangelina going to Saturday's MOCA gala? She wore a black dress, he wore a suit. They stared at art and said nothing. Are the rest of our celebrities so boring that this pair's silent, monochromatic presence in a hushed art gallery two days ago is big enough to score top billing at RadarOnline? But wait, look at this sentence, it has a hyperlink: "Angelina looked quite different when she did a swimsuit modeling sessions as a teenager." Now I see. [RadarOnline]

• 26-year-old Edis Kayalar is accused of blackmailing Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy photograph" of their 8-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." The photo was taken by the girl's former nanny; Kayalar allegedly wanted $100K for it, but ended up handing it over to Gerber for a mere $1000 and the promise of a wire transfer in the near future. Excuse me, I have to go induce vomiting to get this horrible story out of my system. [NYDN]
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• "Everyone was talking" about Nicole Kidman at the CMAs. "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." Kidman reportedly "flipped out and took off running" when people started asking questions. [P6]
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• When Harry Potter gets high, he "laughs his head off." The Mirror says Daniel Radcliffe smoked a spliff at a party and started babbling about how awesome weed is and let a chick draw on his face, which is actually compelling evidence that Radcliffe is pretty clean-cut, because no self-respecting pothead would act that stupid unless a vaporizer was involved. [Mirror]
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• "Chris Brown still can't live down his Rihanna attack," Page Six says. Um, I should hope not, mostly because the phrase "live down" usually refers to sophomoric embarrassments, not brutal acts of violence against a loved one. Apparently Chris went to a shoe store where a woman screamed, "[bleep]ing beater! I hope someone beats the [bleep]ing [bleep] out of you!" and someone caught the inestimably uncomfortable, weirdly long confrontation on video, here. The most surreal part is how people continue to line up to get their photo taken with him, even as the heckler shrieks mere inches from their faces, and then a dude bro jumps into the frame and barks "Chris Brown is the MAN." [P6]
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• Zsa Zsa Gabor has $118,321 in unpaid taxes, which is nothing compared to the $10 million in unpaid Madoff dividends she has. [TMZ]
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• 1-year-old Trig will not appear in Barbara Walters' interview of Sarah Palin, owing to a cold that prevented him from making the trip from Alaska. The deal was supposed to be that Oprah got Palin's first interview, but Barbara would get an exclusive with Trig. Now she'll just have to settle for Willow and Piper. [P6]
• 
  
• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke told Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not to date: "After I cast him, I told Rob, don't even think about having a romance with her... She's under 18. You will be arrested." Now that Kristen's 19, though, all bets are off! Yahoo. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Maybe the nude romps got her in the mood? Rebecca Gayheart is expecting her first child with husband and fellow video hot tub video star Eric Dane. She is doing yoga, walking on the beach, and eating vegetables to enhance the fetus inside of her, because rich people do everything better, including child bearing. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As the latest installment of Michael Lohan's taped phone conversations with Dina make their way on Radar Online (Lindsay cuts, Dina feared for her daughter's life) TMZ reports that a protective order Dina got in 2005 bars Michael from communicating with her until 2011. Dina's lawyers are apparently working to get Michael thrown behind bars for it. [TMZ]
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• Balloon Dad Richard Heene's mugshot is out! It's not nearly as haggard as you'd hope, but gratifying nonetheless. [TMZ]
• 
  
• And in meta-gossip: TMZ stole from Radar. The latter posted Jon Gosselin's court documents against TLC, and an hour later, TMZ posted them, too—after having a photoshop expert scrub off Radar's logo. Clever Radar had "put other markings on the documents," though, so they laid the smack on Harvey Levin. Radar offers but one slyly bitchy comment: "Theft is the sincerest form of flattery." [P6]
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Finally, the last challenge of this dreadful season of our favorite the fashion design competition. It was yet another "here's some cash, go buy a hooker and some fabric, then make her an outfit" challenge. This time they had to be inspired by something at the Getty Museum and they imported the hookers from the show that dare not speak it's name that airs after Runway. It shouldn't be hard to get excited about beauty in the Getty, but the problem is that the collective talent pool of this group is about as deep as Mad Max's well. How can they be inspired by art when they wouldn't even know how to create something mildly interesting, or at least with a bit of color!

Things We Hated:

• Conspiracy Theories: We really hate it when people say things like "they know he's not talented, but they're keeping him around because he's good TV" and things like that. While we know this is television, we like to think that the competition's producers have at least a little bit of integrity. So now we hate ourselves for thinking that the final three is a great conspiracy by Lifetime to make sure that a woman wins this thing. Sure, the boys pretty much sucked this season (even though Epperson and Ra'Mon deserved more of a chance to show us the goods), but it's a little suspect when the final three are all woman and they are picked by an entirely female panel on Lifetime, television for women. We would never begrudge a woman success, but doesn't this just seem a little bit fishy?
• More Bitching about the Judges: Last night Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine had the gall to say "I don't know who Gordana is as a designer." That is because you didn't even know her name and had to look it up on an index card. Maybe you would have known her name and her (paltry) aesthetic if you bothered to show up every week to do your job. Also, Ms. Kors couldn't make it in for the final judging when two designers were booted off and the final contestants are picked. Isn't that a pretty big deal? And if we couldn't get MK to do the duty, why not ask Tim? Other than Heidi, he's the only person that has seen the work week in and week out.
• Choosing Sides: It seems like the producers are working really hard to make the "bitch edit" happen and have all the designers hate each other. It's like if they manufacture some drama it might distract us from the fact that they are all no-talent, no-personality hacks.
• Having No One to Root For: Does anyone care who wins this whole thing? We don't.
• Michelle Pfieffer and Aston Kutcher: Wow, how sad is it for these two that they're now making movies for Lifetime. And how sad is it that Lifetime thinks we'd actually watch this movie. We'd rather tune in for a Dude, Where's My Car marathon than this sappy estrogen fest.
• Being Bored by Runway: Every reality show has its good years and its bad years. But we just hate hating Runway. It's off year just came at the worst possible point, with a new network and a new production company, which probably means that everyone is going to jump ship and in a year we'll be talking about how "remember when Runway used to be good?" We don't want to give up on it, but this season is making it hard.

Things We Loved:

• Cindy Crawford: Damn, how good does she look guest judging!
• Tim Gunn: It was so sweet when Tim told the designers to go "knock Nina Garcia (FDMCM)'s stillettos off so they fly across the runway." But really, did he think that was going to happen? No. But it's cute that he's still enthusiastic.
• The End: Thank God this season is over. Let's all pray that next season is great again and then instead of saying "remember when Runway was good on Bravo" we can just say "God, remember that really shitty season they rushed into production because of a lawsuit? That was the worst."

In the end, both Gordana and Cry-stopher were sent home to crush smurfs and drown in their tears in solitude. It's not like we'll miss either of you, but it is a little crushing that there won't be one Y chromosome in the finale. But they really deserved to be auf-ed, Cry-stopher for his heavy skirt and runway theatrics, and Gordana for her dress that looked like a giant vagina Georgia O'Keefe painting.

Carol Hannah's stunning gold column, Althea's messy gold somethingorother, and Irina's swishing seafoam structured muumuu were enough to take them to the final in Bryant Park. Yay! The end is in sight.

But there was no end to the bitchiness, the crying, or lack of inspiration this week. To the videos!

Art Thieves
Context: The designers stroll around the Getty Museum looking for inspiration.
Vision: That using something beautiful will help them create beautiful clothing.
Delusion: Silly designers, you need talent to turn art into something creative.
What Would Nina Say?: "What's your name again?"
Dramometer: 4

Fashion Factions
Context: It's Carol Hannah and Althea vs. Irina and Gordana in a fight to the death. But only three will survive.
Vision: Bitching about the other designers will someone make your work better.
Delusion: None of you deserve to be there, and the audience hates all of you. So there!
What Would Nina Say?: "Who is fighting with whom?"
Dramometer: 6

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn knows that Cry-stopher is going to make an ugly dress and go home. It's what he's been doing for about a month of episodes now—minus the going home part.
Vision: Using a rock to make a dress.
Delusion: Better to use scissors and paper to cut it to shreds, roll it up in a ball, and just throw it away.
What Would Nina Say?: "Tim, why are you talking to that...that, boy!"
Dramometer: 4

Runway Arrogance
Context: Althea watches her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: She uses a bed as inspiration and makes something that is actually pretty cool.
Delusion: No delusion here, other than that having the best dress means she's a great designer.
What Would Nina Say?: "If I knew who you were, I would pick this as a winner."
Dramometer: 3

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Cry-stopher defends his dress with, what else, tears! He compares himself to a rock with a piece of algae on it. That's funny, because we think of him more like a mildewy prom dress that has been left in your parents' basement for 20 years. Really, this is the sorriest thing we've seen since we watched Kim Zolciak sing "Tardy for the Party" live.
Vision: That getting emotional will make the judges see that he made something great.
Delusion: Except the skirt is ugly and looks like a Victorian hooker after she's been graffiti-ed on.
What Would Nina Say?: "I don't know who you are, but I know you won't stop blubbering."
Dramometer: 7

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

Actually, on second thought, don't do that. I hate that song. Damn, now it's running through my head! I hate that. I'll try to think of something else...um, Lifetime. That's it. The show starts on Lifetime at 10 Eastern, and the live blog happens down in the comments section below. It should be a blast—like last week's was. To read a few of my favorite comments from that one, click here. Here are a few highlights:

• Althea got mad at Logan for ripping off her ideas instead of her clothes. As Paul7777 noted, the girls were "upset with his zipper etiquette."
• Lizawithazee wondered whether guest judge Kerry Washington was "supposed to be the next big somebody when these episodes were shot 12 years ago."
• Logan got eliminated, said "thanks for everything" and walked off the runway. Then the judges called him back and made him walk off the runway again. Then they made him go put on his shiny gold pants, come back, turn around and walk away again. Hey, they didn't let him hang around all this time for nothing!

Also, per my request, many folks shared their Halloween-costume plans. Lizawithazee's was to dress as Athena (toga, shield, Greek soldier helmet, stuffed owl). missing_piece made a swine flu germ costume (grey hoodie with rows of pea green fun fur on it). doittojulia was a tea party (dip-dyed gauze dress, pearl necklaces, crochet gloves, cup-and-saucer hat). katekate is squared was Snidely Whiplash (cape, top hat, curly moustache). Brian Moylan dressed as '80s performance artist Klaus Nomi.

Well, at least those were the plans as of last Thursday. Since then, I have received photographic to prove that only three of these costume concepts were actually created: katekate's, Brian's and Liza's (click here to see them). Snidely, Klaus & Athena. Sounds like a pop group or a TV show, doesn't it?

Hey speaking of TV—I've played my weekly DVD o' preview clips from the good folks at Lifetime, and identified these things to watch out for as we live-blog tonight.

• Christopher will appear with a new "do" that's even more stupid than his "beard." I don't know how to describe it … a faux faux-hawk maybe? (I captured a still image of it from the DVD — click here and see what you think.) Now I feel like attacking this guy's entire face and head with a bottle of Nair.
• The guest judge will be Cindy Crawford, who will be introduced as a "style icon." In my case, she was also "dorm room poster icon," but that was a couple of decades ago. Ah, Cindy, Cindy … where have the years gone?
• L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa will appear to congratulate the Final Five in one of the tritest little promote-your-city rituals I've ever seen. If they'd just given him an oversize prop—like a big "key to the city" or giant pair of ribbon-cutting scissors—it probably would have been less stilted and more natural.

Ugh. Good riddance, L.A. Next week, Tim Gunn will get to return to New York and become whole and human again. I can hardly wait.

And I can hardly wait to start live-blogging with y'all. So let's get to it!

[Image via Carbonated's Flickr]

Fashion's Night Out is on Thursday, September 10 — Anna mentioned it on the Late Show — and it is an evening to fight one of the great ills of society: people not buying enough clothes! Yes, go out and buy things or else fashion will die and we will have to dress in sack cloth and Ed Hardy T's for the rest of our lives!

The FNO website describes:

In a global initiative to promote retail, restore consumer confidence, and celebrate fashion, U.S. and international editions of Vogue are coordinating evening extravaganzas in their respective world fashion capitals.

Even though they're trying to sell it like one (and even asking for volunteers) it is not a charity. That's right, it's bunch of store parties across the five boroughs. In Manhattan just about every fashion emporium is participating from Balenciaga to Banana Republic and Narcisco Rodriguez to Nine West. If you live in the Bronx, you're stuck with only Macy's and Lane Bryant. Sorry.

What exactly will be going on? Some highlights:

• The Misshapes will be spinning at Versace.
• Tom Ford is having a cocktail party (Tom Ford not included)
• Our Hero Grace Coddington will be "telling a visual story" in the SoHo Prada store.
• Cindy Crawford will appear at the much maligned JCPenney in Herald Square.
• Oscar de la Renta will be singing at the Carlyle Hotel. Vogue editor Hamish Bowles will be singing at Juicy Couture. How that is helping humankind, we have no idea.
• Carolina Herrera herself throws a party for photog Larry Fink at her boutique.
• Anna Wintour told Letterman that she'll be at Macy's in Queens, but she didn't say which one. We are determined to track her down and get a photo.
• Bergdorf Goodman seems to be the most fun of all, with windows by Zac Posen, a celebrity designer cook-off judged by Padma Lakshmi, the Olsen twins tending bar, and André Leon Talley hosting some sort of game show.

The plan seems to be to spend a lot of money getting people in the stores to spend a lot of money. The one thing we haven't heard anything about is discounts. Just because Catherine Malandrino is converting her Meatpacking showplace into a French cafe for the evening doesn't mean that suddenly more people will be able to afford one of her cocktail dresses. Also, none of the money made will go to charity, it will go right into the pockets of retailers, where it belongs. Most participating locations will have stations for visitor's to donate used clothes for charity, but it seems a bit like bringing a canned good to get access to an open bar.

So, just why is Anna doing this? Of course if all the brands go out of business, so will Vogue. But times of crisis are also the best times to consolidate power. Who knows if this one-night shopping event will save New York's fashion industry (it won't) but it already has people talking about Anna as if she's the one and only person who can save the fashion world from crumbling. Also, Condé Nast is sure to give her another 5-year contract (and, we hear that the deal is already done). Well played, Anna. Well played.

• Nicholas Cage is being chased by authorities for over $6-million in back taxes they say that he owes. This would seemingly explain why he's been selling off so many of his real estate holdings over the past year or so. Now seriously, how does a guy making at least $12-million per film get into this sort of situation? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh dear. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson appear to be making another run at it, which is probably good for humanity as it'll restrict the various strains of social disease carried within their loins from mutating into the general population. But still, enough already. [Sun]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that there might be a Sopranos movie in the works. Lorraine Bracco hinted that the cast is just waiting for the right script, while Stevie Van Zandt said that his character is definitely still alive. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• George Clooney took his new "lapdance model" girlfriend out for a motorbike ride in the Italian countryside with Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Director Guy Ritchie is sort of turning his new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law into a gay film. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law supposedly met the mother of his new child on the street after a club they were both partying at closed for the night at 4am. He then took her to a diner and after they went back to his hotel room. How incredibly romantic! [Sun]
  
  
• Dina and Michael Lohan actually hung out together at a benefit over the weekend without killing each other. No sign of Jon Gosselin, unfortunately. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is showing off a new look—platinum blonde hair! It's just nasty, but then again, so much better than the bald look she formerly sported. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sonia Sotomayor was spotted "out east" over the weekend shopping for fried chicken, naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jack Nicholson is still out there doing his thing, partying it up with women young enough to be his granddaughter in exotic locales. The picture of him here dancing with the girl doing the limbo or whatever made me laugh out loud. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mischa Barton had a "disastrous" dinner with friends in West Village the other night, where witnesses said she was chain-smoking and rambling on and on about a stalker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are photos of Jennifer Lopez's ample booty in a skimpy red bikini. [Daily Mail]

Steverino Begins' new line beats the original, Cindy Crawford: The Legend of Sparkle Tits

The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a “top secret” modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he’s no Annie Leibovitz, and it’s unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore’s old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi’s successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame:

[Warning: What follows is NSFW, and in the case of one Lisa Rinna shot, NSFLunch.]

Lisa Rinna posed much more naked than most in, oddly enough, Playboy for all those guys out there who just can't get off unless their centerfold is very knocked up, and Milla Jovovich posed behind a transparent sheet for Jane's body issue. Monica Belluci has taken it all off for VF before, but it was the Italian edition, which really isn't that big a deal. It's European!

Though she was nowhere near naked, the then-prim Gwyneth Paltrow did bare her pregnant belly for a W cover, while Heidi Klum might as well have been nude for the cover of Vitals while carrying Seal's spawn. And Cindy Crawford looked very Demi indeed, but in a more model-y way, on an older W cover.

Most recently, Christina Aguilera shimmied around a bed for a Marie Claire cover shoot. And of course, Demi Moore initiated the trend on her landmark 1991 Vanity Fair cover. But our favorite (if we really had to pick one) nudie pregnant shoot of all time goes to Britney Spears in Harper's Bazaar, mainly because the 2006 shoot was ironically seen as a surefire way to "come back." If only she'd known there was simply no "way to come back," she wouldn't have had to pose for those drag queeny photos at all.

• NICOLE KIDMAN TO POSE PREGNANT AND NUDE? [Just Jared]

Let me guess: you're wondering why Vanityfair.com asked me to write about the environment. I'll be the first to admit that I'm no Al Gore. What I am, though, is a working mom who's trying to adapt to our changing world by changing her lifestyle. Think of me as your eco-everywoman.

Okay.

As a mother, you obviously want to feel good about the Earth you're leaving to your children, but there was something else going on as well: my kids were making me feel guilty! They go to a very environmentally aware school, where they do beach clean-ups and hand out cloth bags and reusable bottles. I guess it's part of living in Malibu, but I think my kids would look down on me if they caught me wasting plastic.

Ungrateful little jerks.

I could start by making little changes. Did you know when you leave appliances plugged in they are still draining electricity? I didn't. So I started by unplugging one thing—a toaster, my cell-phone charger, the TV in the guest bedroom.

That's actually three things.

I wasn't ready to rough it with recycled toilet paper, but I decided I could live with recycled napkins and paper towels. Maybe I'll start buying the toilet paper too. A little roughness will be worth it in the long run.

Iron butt! But what about water quality issues, Cindy?

I liked the idea of drinking tap water, maybe because I've never lived in a place where the tap water tasted bad. New York City water tastes good, Illinois, where I grew up, tastes good, and Malibu tastes good. The problem is, taste isn't everything. You don't taste some of the bad stuff. New York City says it has the safest water in the world, because they test the water. But that's at the plant. They don't test the water after it's gone through pipes that might be 100 years old.

Girl: Do you work at MTV? Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to. Girl: So what do you do now? JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors. Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people. JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

Full versions of the redundant party-reporting goodness follow after the jump:

So the ostensible "perks" of my job saw me gracing the Stone Rose opening party at the newly painted Sofitel Hotel last night. Luckily about 500 of my closest friends also attended. Who knows how well Rande Gerber's newest lounge/club/douchebag breeding pond will do inside the Sofitel, which has a "Q" score hovering near the negative numbers. But not for me to judge. I can, however, judge the C/D/F-list crowd that basically crossed all clearly delineated LA social lines last night. —Rande and Cindy (who is very tall and very hot) were cuddling in the center of the bar all night, being harassed now and then but generally left alone. Despite rumors that the two have an "arrangement"—I mean the dude is a fucking nightclub owner!!!!—they seemed legit. —Escaped to the terrace and ran smack into the ominpresent D-lister Lance Bass engaged in deep conversation with previously-extorted-but-now-exonerated-by-the-sweet-scales-of-lady-justice Joe Francis who spent a lot of the subsequent time at the party running around the outdoor space frantically searching the crowd. Always fun to watch the trashy hoors do the double-take when they recognize him. —Omarosa (the Patrick Ewing double) from the Apprentice also on the patio holding court with whomever was interested...Sadly, more than a few were interested.

—Allison Janney looking like a soccer mom. She was way out of place among the Persian Mafia, Hollywood Club Rats, waves of painfully dressed Flackettes from every agency in town, coked out models, coked out run-of-the-mill tramps, coked-out sluts, and tons of Johnny Hollywoods.

Sample of (actual) overheard conversation:

Girl: Do you work at MTV?
Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to.
Girl: So what do you do now?
JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors.
Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people.
JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

On the plus side. Tons of free shellfish, sushi and great desserts (cupcakes, crackerjacks, rice krispy treats). Also open bar.

But, the biggest douchebag at the whole thing, of course, was ME! Simply because I went and then had to wait 25 minutes for my car at the valet.

The end.

And our second report, which we promise was authored by a high-level Defamer operative despite the misleading use of CELEBRITY CAPS:

Snuck into the SOFITEL hotel and STONE ROSE bar opening party last night and into a magical world of free Scotch, breaded meatballs, and B-, C-, and D-list celebrities. Arrived to see LANCE BASS (extra bug-eyed, it's getting worse as he ages) waiting in the lobby for people to notice him. It worked, chicks all over him. Out back, Harold (JOHN CHO is it?) with more hot girls and Jessica Simpson's assistant (CEE-CEE?) standing near the dessert bar (3 flavors of rice krispie treats!)

Also, KATO KAELIN standing next to OMAROSA, but I don't think they talked. At the VIP bar the skeletal remains of ALLISON JANNEY actually looked do-able (remember when she was the homophobic neighbor's dumpy wife in American Beauty? That was like 7 years ago and she looks way better NOW) lounging near SAMMY HAGAR—sorry, just some porn star who looked like SAMMY HAGAR taking freak-train photos with four girls with huge plastic boobs. Inside sitting behind a security dude was RACHEL BILSON ADAM BRODY she looked bored and his nonjewfro is getting big again. Quote of the night from a 300lb guy in a Hawaiian shirt: "Nice red jacket and plaid pants, douchebag...and ICM sucks!" Rest of the night's a bit blurry but I could've sworn i saw VIN DIESEL in a beret as we were leaving (no ducks). and CINDY CRAWFORD taking off in a Bentley with that bartender she dates. She looked perhaps the hottest of all, which is amazing since i checked IMDb and she's 57 yrs old.

• Defamer Party Report: Superflush [Defamer]