Warning: What follows may throw you into a xenophobic panic and scare you out of having any level of fun next time you travel abroad.

1. Do Not Use Drugs Nobody ever follows this one, despite the lessons of Brokedown Palace. Even if you're careful and know the rules, being in an altered state of mind reads differently abroad. Some attribute Amanda Knox's bizarre interactions with Italian police to being stoned, while others say the use of marijuana tipped the circumstantial evidence:

In Britain and Italy, "Foxy Knoxy" was portrayed as an angel-faced "she-devil", a promiscuous pot-smoker who went shopping for underwear with her boyfriend straight after Meredith Kercher's murder and did cartwheels during questioning by detectives.

I can't think of any reason to turn cartwheels during cop questioning other than being stoned, so I'm going to assume that's what happened here. Point being: if it's your dream to smoke weed on the same Rishikesh hillside that the Beatles did? Do your best not to be near the scenes of any vicious felony murders.

2. Know that Pranks Are Always Lost in Translation Four American military brats on Tokyo's Yokota Air Base were arrested this weekend for the attempted murder of a woman whose motorbike hit a trip line strung across a road. In a nation where base-related crime is a "delicate issue"—and where "boys will be boys" was a most unwelcome strain of discourse when three servicemen raped a schoolgirl in 1995—a bunch of American kids nearly killing someone won't be taken lightly. Ditto the infamous tale of Michael Fay, the American teen whose street vandalism resulting in a "moistened rattan cane" flogging.

3. Never Underestimate How Prude the Rest of the World Is Even in Italy, the nation that gave us amore and invented the sonnet, Foxy Knoxy's "sexual appetite" was central to her case. First she "leapt to notoriety in the days after the murder, kissing and cuddling [boyfriend and convicted accomplice] Mr Sollecito in front of the lenses of the cameras." Then prosecutors concocted a story about a ritualistic satanic orgy that got tossed out of court. Knox ultimately may have been convicted based on forensic evidence, but there's still a vocal Team Knox arguing that the sexual smear campaign did her in.

4. Learn This Sentence in the Native Dialect "I am an American, I want to call my embassy." If you get arrested, start saying it and don't stop until until you hear an American accent on the other end of the phone. You'll feel like a douchebag, but when you're not drinking bilgewater from a gutter in a Turkish prison, you'll be glad you did. It's your best chance at a lifeline, since even the pettiest local officials don't want to deal with a diplomatic mess.

5. Don't Start Shit In some countries, being accused of a crime is enough to warrant imprisonment. Case in point: This harrowing account from an American who spent three grueling weeks in a Japanese prison without bail or a trial, following a drunken altercation with a cabbie and ill-prepared self-report to the police:

I was pretty tired and drunk so I didn't have much patience... I also noticed that he didn't have his car navigation system switched on so I yelled at him to use it and called him a f*cking idiot (well, the equivalent) in Japanese. I didn't give him much chance to turn it on, as I soon reached over and started pushing the buttons to switch it on myself, all the while yelling at him that he was an f*king idiot....

I decided in my drunken mind to stop him from calling the cops and I reached over and grabbed the phone from him. He of course started screaming robbery and completely went nuts...

The next day when I came to my senses, I decided to go to the cops and sort it out. ... However, when I got to the police station, I found out that the driver had told them a very different story. ... In Japan it turns out that you are 100% guilty until proven otherwise and I kind of went to the cops without having thought through the potential outcomes.

He was interrogated repeatedly. His lawyer spoke no English. By day 15 he "really started getting desperate" and watched as his prison mates gave false confessions. He loses weight, eats terrible food, and is generally terrified. Point being: Don't start shit, and if you do, find someone who can explain what's going on before you throw yourself at the mercy of an unfamiliar system.

6. Don't Go Places You're Not Allowed There are legitimate reasons for going places where you are not allowed. (Like killing Nazis in Inglourious Basterds) But if you don't want to get arrested, don't do it, because even if you run away and apologize profusely, your foreign captors may not care. From journalists-turned-North Korean hostages Euna Lee and Laura Ling's account of their capture:

Feeling nervous about where we were, we quickly turned back toward China. Midway across the ice, we heard yelling. We looked back and saw two North Korean soldiers with rifles running toward us. Instinctively, we ran.

We were firmly back inside China when the soldiers apprehended us. Producer Mitch Koss and our guide were both able to outrun the border guards. We were not. We tried with all our might to cling to bushes, ground, anything that would keep us on Chinese soil, but we were no match for the determined soldiers. They violently dragged us back across the ice to North Korea and marched us to a nearby army base, where we were detained.

Cutesy smart acting couple Claire Danes (she's an Eli!) and Hugh Dancy (he's British!) formally announced their engagement at a Hamptons book party for Jay McInerney last night. "Announced their engagement" according to Guest of a Guest, anyway. The news is actually four months old. But the little Hamptons anecdote is worth noting. Because it makes us feel miserable.

The weather gave an extra Gatsbian feel to the féte who's invite read: "The evening is shaping up in all of its decadent glory with oysters on the half shell, champagne fountains, Hendrick's gin martinis, guests decked out in their best summer whites and a live band with baby grand by Adam Dugas (Citizens Band) and the Fitzgerald Follies. In these times it might seem wrong to be so decadent, but the true spirit of the evening remains the giving and sharing of some of our greatest cultural gifts."

Forget the oysters and "follies," the highlight of the evening was when, under the canopied tents, the intimate crowd was shared some news: Claire and Hugh were officially engaged! Woohoo! There was only one thing left to do at the end of the night…head to Surf Lodge for some reggae and champagne.

So, yeah, forget that whole Hamptons as "a very easygoing, simple place with casual fun - very welcoming, flip-flops, surfers, anyone was welcome to come" thing. The Hamptons as the new Jersey Shore was never going to work anyway, so — just like whatever transpired in the Surf Lodge bathrooms last night — it's probably best for everybody if we just pretend it never happened.

Image via Bauer-Griffin

As you have probably gathered by now, your Uncle Grambo was fortunate enough to be one of the lucky 250 or so people who got to watch this weekend's episode of SNL (host: Shia LaBeouf, musical guest: My Morning Jacket) from the friendly confines of Studio 8H at Rockefeller Center. A full run-down of the evening follows after the jump.

We arrived in the building around 10:15pm, just about 75 minutes before the show officially commences. As you walk in the lobby of 30 Rock, there are dozens (if not hundreds) of people lined up behind velvet ropes along the walls, many of whom look as if they have spent the majority of the day waiting in line for tickets. Fortunately, thanks to the good graces of the NBC PR department, we were able to walk straight in, save for a short conversation with the keepers of the magical guest list. Let me tell you, it was quite hilarious watching a slew of people approach these staffers and attempt to namedrop their way into the show (our favorite attempt was when one young blonde lass tried to use the "My brother is a lawyer at NBC" line). As we waited our turn to go up the elevators up to Studio 8H, we found ourselves standing next to one Suze Orman, whose teeth are even more blazingly white when you see them up close and personal (little did we know at the time, but SNL MVP Kristen Wiig would do an amazing impression of her later in the show).

Our press escort popped out of the elevator bank at approximately 10:40pm and scooted us upstairs. As you walk from the elevator bank to the studio, you stroll down a long hallway that is lined with framed photographs of the litany of SNL cast members who once populated these very same halls. Seeing the faces of Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Mike Myers, Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy, you can't help but feel like you are small part of a grand tradition of comedic greatness. As you make your way closer and closer to the stage, you encounter various levels of security. If memory serves, we had to show three different sets of security/PR people along the way. And while we were handed both wristbands and tickets when we walked in, the most important credential we had all evening was, surprisingly, the envelope that the tickets came in. As for why, not sure we'll ever know.

After a few minutes of waiting around (perhaps the ushers were cleaning up the popcorn from the aisles?), we were taken to our seats just after 11pm. We sat in the back row of the studio, which was actually the fourth row of what I'll affectionately call the "upper deck" (meaning, not the swivel chairs you see on the floor while watching the show). We were directly in line with the main stage where Shia LaBeouf would deliver his monologue some forty minutes later.

We sat next to an affable hippie and his son, the elder of whom explained to us that he worked on a number on the "fake commercials" that SNL has shot over the years. But just when I was about to ask him if he was present for the filming of the legendary Schmitt's Gay spot, I noticed that Claire Danes, of all people, was walking down the aisle towards me. She was accompanied by her slight of stature BF, Hugh Dancy, and another friend was not famous. She looked far skinnier than I remembered her from her last on-screen role, Stardust, and her hair looked exceedingly thin. That said, there is no denying that she is straight up gorge. After all, it's not everyday you look Angela Chase right in the eyes.

As my heart rate returned to normal, my attention shifted to the flurry of activity down below our seats on the set. As Lenny Pickett and the Saturday Night Live Band warmed up the crowd with a number of R&B standards, stagehands were running around putting last minute touches on the various set decorations. Occasionally, the venerable Lorne Michaels would pop his head out, look around, and duck back beneath the set (presumably to tweak the skits from the dress rehears performance). With approximately 10 minutes left before showtime, Don Pardo wandered out onto center stage to begin warming the crowd up. He was quickly followed by Jason Sudeikis, who explained the rules of the road to the audience ("Be sure to laugh your asses off!") and cracked a few jokes, all the while wearing orange-accented hi-tops and Kansas Jayhawks basketball shorts.

Then, in a totally unexpected turn of events, Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen joined the band for a rousing performance of Blondie's "One Way Or Another." Wiig played the part of Deborah Harry amazingly well; not only was her voice crackin', but she had the Harry hip sway down pat. Meanwhile, Fred Armisen turned in a very serviceable Chris Stein impression, shredding on the electric guitar in such an impressive fashion that I almost forgot he used to be a drummer and not a guitarist. As soon as the song wrapped up, the house lights began to dim.

As the stagehands rolled a faux presidential backdrop onto the main stage and turned on a lamp that was sitting next to a formal chair, Amy Poehler emerged dressed as Hillary Clinton for the evening's cold open (I would later learn that the audience at the dress rehearsal saw a different cold open, one that took place at DNC headquarters). As she quickly reviewed the cue cards, Lorne Michaels approached her and knelt down to give her a quick and quiet pep talk. This was my favorite moment of the evening; although Lorne has a bit of a rep for being enigmatic when it comes to his relationships with the cast members, there was something in his body language and the way that he approached Poehler that radiated a very fatherly and caring vibe. It was something you would never see on television, but somehow, it spoke volumes about how close-knit the SNL family truly is.

And from there, the rest of the show was, at least for me, a blur. If I were to note one thing about seeing the show live and in person that you don't see when you watch on TV, it would be how frenetically paced things are on-set. The very second the red light goes off on a camera, crew members are tearing down sets and physically grabbing cast members. In particular, after Shia LaBeouf's monologue, a woman came bounding at him from off-stage and literally TORE the suit coat off his back as she pushed him backstage for a costume change (he appeared as a Doug Henning-esque magician about 45 seconds later in a slightly puzzling "Match Game" spoof). Despite the hectic pace,there was never a moment where the set even approached chaos (controlled or otherwise); rather, all of the on-stage hustle seemed to radiate a thoroughly professional vibe.

It's also worth noting that, despite the frenetic pace, we saw nary a frown or disgruntled look on any of the cast or crew members' faces. Instead, smiles abounded everywhere you looked during the commercial breaks. If the performers were tired or stressed out, they certainly didn't show it.

There was one other interesting factoid from the evening that stood out. In the sketch where Bill Hader plays Vinnie Vedecci, the Italian talk show host with a penchant for smoking multiple cigarettes during the course of his celebrity interviews, one crew member drew the assignment of smoking the cigarettes that he would hand to Bill Hader in-between shots. He seemed to relish this job, as he chain-smoked his way through half of four cigarettes during the course of the sketch. Also, throughout this entire bit, both Fred Armisen and Will Forte sat on the side of the stage, where the camera would occasionally cut to them. As a part of the skit, they were both eating a bowl of spaghetti. Whereas Fred Armisen mostly twirled the spaghetti around with his fork, Will Forte ate almost the entire portion of pasta that was sitting in front of him during the course of the sketch. Looks like someone skipped their dinner!

The skit we chose to bring you above was the last sketch of the evening. Although both Kristen Wiig and Kenan Thompson were the evening's stand-out performers, it was Amy Poehler's performance as a mom who wanted to ensure her children were dressed as "New York Funky" as possible that made us (and the rest of the audience) laugh the hardest.

Then, just as quickly as it began, the 90-minute show came to a close. After watching Shia wish everyone a happy Mother's Day, we walked out into the lobby, where we noticed a VERY gorgeous (and sober looking) Tatum O'Neal holding court with a few friends and cast members. We debated going up to her to say hello, but instead decided to make our way to the elevators. We met up with a few friends who just so happened to be at the taping, too, and headed off into the night, feeling exhilarated after what could only be described as a truly special evening. Regardless of what you think of the show, after witnessing everything that goes down in between skits and commercial breaks up close and in person, there is no denying that the people who put SNL together are some of the hardest working people in television.

Be sure to tune in next week for the Season Finale of the Saturday Night Live's 33rd season. The host is Steve Carell and the musical guest will be Usher.

• Leonard Lopate: The bearded and bespectacled WNYC host that comes on after Brian Lehrer is in so many ways a pretentious tool and then sometimes coughs on air for multiple minutes hilariously and insults Californians in a segment about Ugliness. Also, his staff is very attractive.
  
• Emily and Michelle: In many important ways these women in Astoria embody a fantastic sort of Truffautian carefree flippancy. The girls don't take themselves too seriously. They like to party. They have a thing for an Asian man named Douglas. They are definitely fun. But also they are kind of crazy and unhinged in a way that seems destructive to themselves and their Zwack-loving black roommate. And maybe to us!
  
• Boots and Jean combinations: So I wear tight APC jeans and boots and I like how it looks when I tuck the former into the latter. Someone informed me that that is a gay look but I like it and furthermore, if you don't do that it looks like you have cankles.
  
• Access Mayor: At midnight on weekdays on NYC TV, there's this show of Mayor Bloomberg giving speeches at openings. It is so boring and yet, I even TiVo it. He is so charming in a dorky way and is the best argument for Jews, oligarchs and an independent candidacy since Ross Perot.
  
• Norwood: I want to join but I don't want to want to join this member's club on W. 14th street. Also I don't want to spend $2,005 to go to a place where you still have to pay for drinks.
  
• Facebook: When our boss made us all join Facebook, I was unhappy. But through it I found out that this girl who I was in love with since third grade lives around the corner from me! We're meeting for drinks next week. But then also this kid, let's call him, Aaron Rosenberg who I also went to high school with and didn't like asked to be my friend and I said no because I thought, "Ew, like I wasn't his friend then and I'm not going to be now." That's just silly and petty.
  
• Emily Gould.
  
• Claire Danes: She's still beautiful but her crumple face crying, her somewhat shitty accent, and her involvement with Hugh Dancy has all somewhat taken the luster off our love. I'd say I still love her but I'm not in love with her.
  
• Cleaning Ladies: I have one. Her name is Pham. She's great. Right now she is in Shanghai visiting family. So we pay her $15/hour but always just give her $50 no matter how long she is there. Also, what the fuck am I doing with a cleaning lady? It's insane. I'm ashamed and yet am deeply grateful I don't have to clean the bathroom. (Subnote: also ambivalent about my roommate because he clogs the drain with his hair but he is also the best kid I know). Mostly I think I like Pham because it's nice to have a nag. It reminds me of my mom.

"He got very hostile," Blum said, noting that Berg asked, "What are you going to do, print her phone number next?" The story had put Danes "into the gunsights," according to Berg.

We had no idea that people wanted to take out Claire Danes! When we see her around town, we never feel the urge to harm her. Mary-Louise Parker might want to, sure, but that's sort of Angela's own fault, no?

The conversation lasted about ten minutes, "which is about two hours in Hollywood time," Blum said. Ironically (or not!), at one time Blum was represented by ICM.

We did not send an email or make a phone call to Jeff Berg because, uh, if we had that information would we be working here? So we did not get his side of the story, but we think it's kind of silly that Claire Danes has her panties in a bunch over an altweekly story that implied she was worth tracking down. Based on the reception of her performance in Broadway's 'Pygmalion," that's maybe not a reputation you want to turn down so fast, missy!

Memily: Thank you for taking me on a gay ass date to see Claire Danes' Broadway debut on Friday
Rhymes With Smellolcait: You are very welcome. I know how you love Times Square.
Memily:the bright lights dazzle my eyes!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: a feast for the senses!
Memily: So much beauty.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: plus, the homeless man bar was a treat, I'm sure.
Memily:I can't believe those women have to wear bikinis
actually I totally can believe that
what i can't believe is how hot they were!
those ladies could be around the corner at Hawaiian Tropic Zone easy!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Working/living under the Port Authority apparently does a body good.
Memily: it's not like they were missing teeth!
Maybe they like being a big fish in a small, dank, dimly lit pond.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Who doesn't, really.
Memily: Ha! speak for yourself.
Oh but (segue!)
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes!
Memily: Claire Danes apparently does like to be a big fish in a small pond, having allowed herself to be stunt-casted into the Roundhouse production of George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Roundabout. Roundhouse was a much beloved Nickelodeon show, m'dear.
(at least, beloved by me)
Memily: also a drama camp i attended! in fourth grade!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: ohh. You've got major theatrical chops.
Unlike La Danes
Memily: Ooh look at you, segue fever is catching!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yeah, I'm a quick study. Like Eliza Doolittle!
Memily:She IS a quick study. You know, the one thing that makes Pygmalion less fun than My Fair Lady, besides the lack of , you know, fun songs like "Without You," is that it doesn't have like a montage scene where they teach her stuff
Rhymes With Smellolcait: instead we just got magical gliding set pieces.
Memily:When (shows cards) I played Eliza Doolittle in Eastern Middle School's production of My Fair Lady. the director made me practice the scene where she has to talk with marbles in her mouth with atomic fireballs! The set pieces were really, really impressive. I loved how they would slowly recede into the background as the other set popped up
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes, it was very pretty.
The whole thing was very elegant and refined.
But a little staid.
Memily: I kept wanting to break out into "Art and music will thrive without you/somehow Keats WILL survive without you ..."
Rhymes With Smellolcait: haha! you should have.
Memily: um I am am huge fucking dork! Heh
"you, dear friend who talks so well ... you can go to Hartford Heresford and Hampshire!"
Rhymes With Smellolcait: well, I believe I freaked about because the guy from Talkin' Broadway was sitting next to you.
So we're both dorks.
Memily: Um, YEAH.
He smelled good
But you know what STANK?
(HA!)
Claire Danes' bloody English accent!
Accents!
Both of 'em!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh dear. The play is just so BRITISH. it seems like an exercise in futility to cast an American. I would have liked to have seen a bedraggled Emma Watson. Or Posh Spice, perhaps.
Memily: "Tawoo bonches of viiiilets traad in the maad. A fool daooys waooauges! Why daunt yawoo look whehhh yoaahh gawwwing?"
Rhymes With Smellolcait: a little za-za-zoom.
Memily: Omg POSH SPICE.
YES.
I mean, ANY Spice will do!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: She's got a sense of humor, and she could just ape Mel C for the first part. That girl was traaaashy.
Memily: Mel B would be a really fun choice b/c then it could have POSTCOLONIAL SUBTEXT.
Rhymes with Smellolcait: oh ho ho!
I wonder if she's grown accustomed to Eddie Murphy's baby yet.
Memily: Ha, she is growing accustomed to being FACED.
Anyway, that is a funny part. It needs to be someone funny ... a funny British lady.
Why can't I think of anyone who isn't, like, 50?
Tracey Ullman! Jennifer Saunders!
Yeah, no.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Dawn from The Office!
Memily: Oh um I don't know if I told you this but I forgot to own a tv
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh, yes. You did mention that.
Memily: so I basically don't understand anything anyone ever says. I'm like "oh Kid Nation" and then I just listen and nod for like half an hour.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: haha
Memily: I did get the guy from the CW to start sending screeners of top model and gossip girl though
Anyway. Claire Danes reminded me of how she was in the Our Town episode of MSCL
like
"Look, I'm ACTING! Look at all this ACTING!"
I was excited for you though when she did her signature move.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes!
Major Pro: Crumple Face
Major Con: Crumple Face
It's such a love/hate relationship
Memily: Actually we were debating this this morning
as you know (and everyone knows!) Josh is a major supporter of La Danes
Rhymes With Smellolcait: But of course.
Memily: and he was like, she is great in closeup
and I was like "closeup of her meaty thighs!" but actually I sort of see his point.
do you think she's just not a theater actress?
And if that's the case
what movies has she been good in?
Rhymes With Smellolcait: She's PRETTY. but in a really "Handsome" way. You know? Like broad-shouldered women from the 40's?
Eleanor Roosevelt had she not been in some sort of tractor accident.
Memily:To refresh your memory, here is her CV from the program:
"Pygmalion marks Danes' Broadway debut. Her film work includes Matthew Vaughn's Stardust, Lajos Koltai's Evening, Anand Tucker's Shopgirl, Thomas Bezucha's The Family Stone and Richard Eyre's Stage Beauty. Danes also starred in Jonathan Mostow's Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: It's so erratic!
I think she's a good actress, and could be good on stage. But not in this part.
It just doesn't work.
I mean T3: Rise of the Machines is some of Tony Kushner's best work. And his dialogue is often very stage-y.
Memily:I think the mistake was that she played it for pathos. It's a funny part! We are supposed to feel a little sorry for Liza at the end
but not from the first moment of the play!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh god. We had a whole Act (IV, I believe) of Crumple Face
Memily: Oh. Was that when I fell asleep?
Rhymes With Smellolcait: It was too much. And then there was that weird, off-tone dollop at the end with 'Enry 'Iggins looking pensive.
Oh, I took a long nap during Act II. But was fully awake for Crumple Face (right after intermission)
Memily: I totes didn't notice
you didn't slump over and drool or anything!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: I'm good at sleeping during the theatre. That $46 glass of Cabernet I had in the lobby was probably not a good idea.

He goes on:

As she walks into a London restaurant, a frail-looking, narrow-shouldered woman of 28, with wispy fair hair and porcelain-pale skin, she seems to almost glide. But there's nothing watery about her eyes with their steady hazel gaze, nor about the confident 'Hey!' with which she greets a large, hairy man who is ambling past our table....

Claire Danes, as any follower of Thalia and Melpomene knows, has moved to a star run in George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. Emily Gould actually sat through that mess and will provide her insights into Claire Bear's trademark crumpleface cry and meaty thighs later.

But anyway John Preston, she'll only be sleeping with theater critics now. Good news for the New York Times's Ben Brantley (hmm) and the Telegraph's Rupert Christiansen, bad news for you and Alessandra Stanley.

Capital Danes [Telegraph]

Joshua David Stein is the new theater critic for Gawker.com

Claire Danes heads to B-way in 'Pygmalion' [B'more Sun]

For your 'Claire Danes Is Weird' File: When I was writing for my school paper in Chicago two years ago I was part of a group a low-level journalists that did a roundtable interview with Claire Danes and Jason Schwartzman when they were promoting "Shopgirl." When the interview was over Jason Schwartzman went around the table and shook everyone's hand. Claire said, "Oh, you're shaking everyone's hand? That's so nice. I'll communally shake everyone's hand" and sort of waved her hand in the air. I don't know if she's weird, a germphobe or just a snob. But she's hotter in person than in her movies.