Does anyone really wanna read a book by him??

• Gisele Bundchen is reportedly preggers with Tom Brady's baby. The 18-to-44 year-old male demographic throughout New England yet again begin ritualistic sacrifices of their own children as they pray for a better, stronger, faster, functioning-knee enabled, penis-equipped fetus to emerge from the holy Brazilian loins of Ms. Bundchen. [NYDN]

  
  

• Clay Aiken apologizes to his fellow alien from Planet Karaoke, Adam Lambert, for openly communicating his displeasure with Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire" to the heavens. His opening salvo: ""Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA" Professors who devote their lives' work to post-modernism wake up in the middle of the night, start crying, and begin furiously scribbling away. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Beyonce's advice to women: You look gross when you're emaciated, stop going to the gym obsessively, we look good with some skin on us, you know? In other news, call volume to 1-900-Mix-A-Lot surges exponentially. [NYDN]

  
  

• Kiefer Sutherland and the Guy He Head-Butted issue a joint statement noting that any bad blood between them is gone. Meanwhile, after you read the term "head-butt" so many times, it starts to get funny. Because, you know, what if he butt-headed the guy? Just sayin'. [E!]

  
  

• Twilight looker Robert Pattinson gets some can in Cannes from a random. Teenage girls everywhere begin to file down their "fangs," ready their slambooks, and generally prepare to "slay that bitch." [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  
  

• The KKK (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney) materialize at some party in South Beach, their publicist gets hit in the head with a camera (apropos, much?), and Kourtney's all like "BACK THE FUCK UP!" which is hysterical because it's maybe the most articulate thing she's ever said. [Page Six]

  
  

• Like Christopher Hitchens and some Playboy blogger before him, Radio "shock" jock Mancow is not only still around, but apparently, got waterboarded. And nobody gives a shit. [TMZ]

  
  

• Beef, uncooked: Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray have put the guns down, and will sign a peace accord, thus putting Food Network executives' concerns that they'd have to erect a tower-guarded twenty foot wall between their studios to rest. [Gatecrasher]

  
  

• Potential New Kickdog-Replacing Hollywood Accessory: bunnies, as evidenced by Nicole Richie's baby's daddy (did I get that right?) Benji Madden walking out of a Coffee Bean with one. Or he's going to eat it. Here's hoping he won't, because you know you want to see Christian Bale taking one of those to the gym. In fact, we're all about Hollywood adopting bizarre-ass pets to carry with them. Next should be a baby anteater. Seriously. [D-Listed]

Aiken, America's favorite gay father who was also the runner-up to Ruben Studdard in Idol's second season, charges his fans $29.95 annually for the "Ultimate Membership" at ClayOnline.com, which is the only way to view his blog posts and cruise around in his chat room or on his message board, but a tipster with access to the site passed this along. Here's how Aiken responded today to a generic "what did you think about the show?" question posed by a fan on the site:

Now that it's all over, and for the record.... I couldn't be happier about the way AI ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season, and only to see what the set looks like each year. This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing "Ring of Fire" and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn't really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Granted, I never saw another performance (and many folks who I trust said that he was great) but I can't imagine I would have enjoyed it. Just not my cup of tea at all. To each his own. I never saw Kris sing on the show, but whether he was good or not is really relative. It's usually a matter of taste, right? But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It's about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. (That's not to say that Adam isn't just as likable as anyone.. maybe more so... I don't know) When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night (many years ago) you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants.... so it really was a matter of taste as to who was voted for. While some may argue that one of us was hyped more than the other, I don't feel that was the case. However, this year, there was an obvious bias. Not even having watched the show, I can tell you that I was WELL aware of the bias from the judges as to who should win. In my opinion, that is awfully unattractive. I don't think I am alone

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don't want to see win. In the case of season two this might have happened. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn't like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn't want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. I don't know. .. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. We both had our detractors and negatives, but I feel we were both very worthy of being on that stage in that moment, and either of us would have been worthy of winning. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were "real" people who happened to sing/entertain well. But, somewhere along the way, AI stopped being about real people.

Aiken also elaborated on why he thought Kris Allen won this year's competition:

In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David!

I think many voters got sick of being "told who to vote for". I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off. And, at the same time, I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons.

Those votes for Kris were also votes to return the show to its roots of finding "real" contestants with undiscovered talent and giving them the chance to grow and shine. They were votes that said "we're tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all".

Will American Idol choose to listen to the resounding and clarion call that those voters gave them?.... "Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please." My faith has always been in the voters. I think they have gotten it right every year (mine included). It's now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

Wow. That's some hardcore bitchiness right there! However, we can't help but wonder if it's derived from the fact that Idol producers recently did everything they could to crush Aiken's dream of doing a duet with Lambert. Hmmm, you think?

"I held up one of those ghetto blasters playing one of Clay's songs, and I begged him to take me back and he said no," Griffin said at last night's Grammy nomination concert in downtown L.A. "And then I walked out of the room and Gloria Estefan said to me, 'I told ya—you shouldn't have gone in there alone.' "

Griffin said she was, at the very least, hoping for some sort of thank-you or acknowledgment for her role in helping him come out. "There were no words of thanks or even really any words at all, for that matter," Griffin said. "I would have to say he was not very nice."

Cold, Clay — but at least the warmth of eternal hellfire (currently spreading all across the city, but admittedly stuck in traffic near Santa Monica and La Brea) will thaw your frozen heart. Would our Archie have made the same mistake?

• Kathy Griffin on Clay Aiken: "He Was Not Very Nice" [E!]

You'd think with all of the important events going on in the world, there would be plenty to fill up the pages of America's newspapers, websites and blogs without the need for information on the private lives of the country's singers and entertainers. But, alas, thats never the case. In fact for the last five years, I've found what seems to have been an inordinate amount of interest (not from the public, but from the media) in my own personal life. The questions never seemed to stop.

...So, in the hopes of being able to sing and act (and dance poorly) and do what I love to do for a living while raising my son in a hopefully more private and accepting environment, I chose to go ahead and confront things head on. Yes, I would have preferred to separate my personal life from my professional life. I would have been just as happy to go on without discussing my orientation. But, it seems like that was not an option. Make no mistake, its not because I am ashamed. No, not for a minute. I haven't always been as comfortable as I am now, but I am without a doubt, proud of who I am and make no apologies for it.

...There are plenty of you who have anticipated this blog in hopes that I would "set the record straight" or "admit to lying for five years and apologize for it". For that small group of people, I am afraid I will have to disappoint you. My decisions over the past five years have been made with lots of deliberation and at times even heartache. Always with concern for folks who might feel mislead. Don't doubt that. But they have also been made as an attempt, not to hide my true self, but instead to allow myself the same liberties and rights that every single gay man and woman in the world should have... the right to determine for myself when I was ready to discuss my personal life. In as much as that, at times, was interpreted as misrepresentation, I feel badly. But I reserved that right for myself and I can't say I regret it.

We have to admit that before the recent revelations, we'd thought of Clay Aiken mostly as a closeted song torturer. Now, though, he has conducted his coming-out press tour with grace and good humor, and we're forced to reevaluate our take on Aiken: he is polite, pragmatic, just a little bit sassy, and a terrible, terrible singer of bad music. Movin' on up, Clay!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Clay Blogged - 10-3-08 [Idol Forums]

• People snagged those Clay Aiken baby pictures for $500,000 after newly-frugal OK! dropped out of the bidding. [P6]
• Janet Jackson was hospitalized after getting sick right before a concert. [AP]
• Cindy Adams had Republican operative Ed Rollins walk through how Sarah Palin would be prepped for the debates, if the purely hypothetical case she were anything like a normal vice presidential candidate. [Post]
• When she was a beauty pageant contestant,Palin used to stick plaster over her nipples to keep her nipples from showing,one of her fellow contestants said. [R&M]
• Some whiny West Village busybody actually thought Page Six would care that Blake Lively lets her poodle run around the sidewalk off-leash, because that's against the rules. And that busybody was correct! [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are considering adopting a seventh child, this time for the benefit of the continent of South America. [Daily Mail]
• A rich guy is giving $25,000 for Howard Stern's fiancee to run a marathon. [P6]
• Britney Spears re-denied the recurring rumor that she made a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib. The singer did say she plans a world tour next year. And yet Spears' lawyers said she's too crazy to stand trial for driving without a license.
• Katie Holmes has switched from her baggy, trendsetting "boyfriend jeans" to bell bottoms. She's just cycling through the fashion trends (and nostalgic outbreaks) of the last 20 years at her own pace. [Sun]
• Paul Newman has already been cremated and his funeral convened. [P6]
• George Michael is going on an African safari to deal with his drug and public-bathroom sex issues. [Fametastic]

· The Hives at the Mayan

· KGB Comedy at Bar Lubitsch

· War Tapes EP Release Party at Boardner's

· You Need Help at UCB

from Holmes24 (most likely Anna from Jezebel):

please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now.

from Diane:

Brian the Bible says "effed up" things? that's your opinion. I happen to follow it, so... I know it isn't cool to have morals or any sort of religion, but I don't care what anyone else thinks. Clay's autobiography and Rolling Stone interview lied to us, guess everyone will just look past that though. Whatever, this is an "anything goes" society so I guess you all will support anything and everything.

from maggiethemagpie:

if people really are upset about it because of faith issues, then just pray for him. And remember to show some mercy and grace. Even when Jesus was being crucified, he said "Father FORGIVE THEM for they know not what they do" so if he can forgive the ones who were crucifying him, then I think you can forgive and show some mercy towards Clay for not being totally honest.

strollynn63: This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream.

More reactions from The Clayboard, after the jump:

Holmes24: please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now. :-(

strollynn63: I have worked with many gays, the nature of the hairdressing business... LET ME SAY THAT I'M STILL A FAN OF HIS VOICE.....NOT SO MUCH A FAN OF HIS....CHOICE....

Some Claymates are coping with the news by predicting an elaborate conspiracy:

CLAYGAL: I don't understand the timing of all this information, or supposed information. I'm not making any assumptions until I actually see credible information . Is that actually Parker in the photo? Some of my friends think the baby looks older than a child a month old.

While others, slowly, are coming to terms with the shock:

love OMC: I had my hard time with it after the Diane Sawyer interview of 2006. I was ill over it. Then I went into denial. However, this time out (as it were), I am accepting.

Claymd4evr: My daughter called me at work today to tell me the news - I admit I cried a little...Because I strongly believed Clay was probably gay and I wanted to understand & love him better, I attended a gay & lesbian ministry workshop at a religious education conference.

Claybe 2: Why is it that the good looking ones are gay?

JNLPrecious Clay: All I know is that I love Clay, and I could never leave him. I still think he is a sexy gorgeous hunk of man, and nothing is going to change that.

While we worry that angry hairdresser "strollynn63" will take the news out on her innocent colorist Alberto, we hope that for the rest of the ClayNation, peace and acceptance will soon be close at hand. Yes, some embittered fans may defect to Aiken rival Ruben Studdard, but upon their shocking arrival at Studdard's tumbleweed-strewn message board (last message, May 2005: "Discuss Ruben's Cameo on 8 Simple Rules"), we have a feeling they'll be back.

• Upcoming People Magazine Cover and Article - PLS READ [The Clayboard, via Dave Holmes]

Aiken says he expects the news may overwhelm some of his fans. "Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it's going to be a lot," said Aiken, who returned to Broadway last week as Sir Robin in Monty Python's Spamalot.

He adds that he hopes his fans "know that I've never intended to lie to anybody at all. ... But if they leave, I don't want them to leave hating me."

...As for his own child, Aiken tells PEOPLE that Parker – who was conceived via in vitro fertilization with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster – will be raised in an environment that is "accepting and allowing him to be happy."

Says Aiken: "I have no idea if he'll be gay or straight. It's not something I'll have anything to do with, or that he'll have anything to do with. It's already probably up inside the code there ... No matter what the situation you're in, if you're raised in a loving environment, that's the most important thing."

We can only hope that Aiken's dedicated fans can overcome their devastation to realize that though they may never be Mrs. Clayton Holmes Grissom Aiken, neither will any other woman. Eventually, when Aiken finds love with a Tennessee personal trainer who then goes on to sell his story for $50,000 and photo refusal to InTouch Weekly, Aiken will need each and every one of you. Be there for him, won't you?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Clay Aiken: I'm a Gay Dad [People]

On NSYNCer Lance Bass's People cover two years ago and comedian Ellen DeGeneres' big Time cover ten years ago. Same exact head position, nearly the same hair, and Clay and Ellen even have that little extra "Yes" or "Yep"—that same sheepish sense of "yeah, I know you knew, I'm just sayin' so it's out there and all." Bass didn't get one of those folksy affirmatives because, we suspect, he was still laboring under the illusion that people weren't sure about his sexuality. Or maybe People magazine was. Gay rumors dogged him, to be sure, but not in the same way that they followed DeGeneres and Aiken.

So is this the way to come out on magazines? I mean, straight dudes would never do that head tilt, right?

Oh, and where in the heck is Lindsay Lohan's cover?

The long-suspected homosexual (who got caught trolling for gay internet sex a few years back) recently had a kid through a surrogate and starred on Broadway in Spamalot. He made his decision to come out because he realized he "cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things." Welcome to the world, sir. But wait, first Lindasy Lohan comes out on the radio and now this?? Who's next, Anderson Cooper? [Towleroad]

(Seriously, though, good for him. All the best.)

The content of the article has not yet been released, but some hints can be gleaned about his long-anticipated confession from the Aiken quote teased on the cover: "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things." Kudos, Clay! Now where's your donation? [HuffPo]

The Latin superstar, 36, welcomed twin boys via a surrogate mother a few weeks ago, his rep tells the Associated Press.

"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full-time care," the statement read.

"Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children."

You hear that, ravenous news media? If you don't see or hear from Ricky Martin over the next year, it's not because you didn't see or hear from him over this past year. And if he elects to support his new brood with a speedo-wearing manny, well, who's to argue?

[photo credit: AP]

• BREAKING NEWS: Singer Ricky Martin Welcomes Twin Boys [Us]

1. Spawn
Clay
Sex: Male
Name: Parker Foster Aiken
Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz.
Birth Defects: Highlights

Matthew
Sex: Male
Name: Levi Alves McConaughey
Weight: 7 lbs., 4 oz.
Birth Defects: One flip-flop

2. Privacy
Clay
Shield your newborn for as long as possible from the public eye, then premiere him on The View at age four-days-old.

Matthew
Flashbulb innoculation: Subject early and often to as many red-carpet events as possible. Try not to forget car seat cradle on a counter of marked-down "Paris For President" T-shirts at Kitson.

3. Bonding
Clay
Father-son spa days...Front row seats to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular...Blind cheesecake taste-testings.

Matthew
Mutual wingman duties while combing Maui for honeys...bong shopping...post-weightlifting body-scrutinizing sessions.

4. Bedtime Rituals
Clay
Laser tooth whitening...Re-telling of the story of Goldilocks and the Big Fat Ruben Studdard...Christmas carols regardless of season...reassurances that there are no razor-toothed Claymates lurking under the bed.

Matthew
1000 crunches...bongo-accompanied African tribal lullaby...Reminder to "stay strong, little man" before administration of tender kiss on forehead.

• Clay Aiken welcomes baby boy [MSNBC]
• Matthew McConaughey's Son Levi Makes Red Carpet Debut [Usmagazine.com]

• Bill Murray's wife wants a divorce and claims the actor is a pot-smoking globe-trotting sex addict who is physically abusive. The Daily News recalls: "At a bash at Robert De Niro's Tribeca Grill in the '90s, we watched as Murray punch-shoved photographer Diane Cohen in the chest."
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a housewarming party at their new Beverly Hills mansion tomorrow, all the other Scientologist living gods are sure to be there.
• In the meantime, Holmes conducted a big business meeting at the Carlyle Hotel in New York, which illustrated that she is "a very strong and determined" actual businesswoman who can do important businesswoman stuff. Evidence: During the meeting, which was related to her coming role in a Broadway play, she listened intently, took notes, and when her phone rang SHE DID NOT ANSWER IT. This is the glory of being a "clear," people. [OK!]
• Amy Winehouse if a filthy drug addict with a disgusting skin condition, so logically men are fighting over her. Fellow druggie musician Pete Doherty wrote to Winehouse's jailed husband, Blake, demanding he divorce Winehouse so Doherty can finally seal his bond of desperation with her. Nelson Mandela is also into Winehouse, but only as a performer at his 90th birthday.
• Remember how Kirsten Dunst said she went to rehab for depression instead of for drugs? Now Steven Tyler of Aerosmith insists he checked into rehab to recover from a foot injury. It's amazing how rehab clinics have diversified these days, now that all the stars are clean. [Us]
• Britney Spears' lawyer argued her health is too "fluid" for the singer to participate in the court case over her posessions, now under the care of her father. This may just be a ploy to ensure visitation with her sons until she stabilizes, since the visitation is better protected when her father is acting as conservator.
• John Mayer, former Perez Hilton make-out partner, gets pretty gushy toward fellow musician Pete Wentz on his blog. "I think the world of you." [Showbiz Spy]
• Recent drunk driver Mischa Barton continues to act erratic, and now her legs look screwy. [Rush & Molloy]
• Charlie Sheen may be on his fourth baby. It's the third mom. [Rush & Molloy]
• Clay Aiken, 29, donated sperm to his record producer, 50, and plans to be "part of the baby's life." [P6]
• Bill Cosby's famous Cosby Show sweaters are being auctioned for charity. [NY Sun]

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.

We're told Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. We're told she's in her late 40's, though we could not confirm her exact age. Aiken is 29.

We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.

We'll now allot you the time necessary to re-read the above until it fully sinks in—plus overcome any contact morning-sickness it may have elicited—before issuing a heartfelt "Hooray!" for the most non-traditional domestic arrangement to cross our radar since learning of the Oprah-confounding Pregnant Man of Oregon. Clearly, some Greater Force must have overheard us mumbling, "More Clay? Yes, please!" while rifling recently through the iTunes stacks, and took our humble petition further than we'd ever hoped or dreamed. There is no doubt about it: Clay Aiken's impending fatherhood shakes our ovaries a thousand different ways!

• Clay Aiken Impregnates Someone! [TMZ]