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Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
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Real Housewives' Kelly Bensimon Hates Being Kelly Bensimon
Sean Penn, Friend of the People: 160 Central Park S
One of These Top Gun Stars Is Gay. Well, One is Openly Gay.

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jasonelias
12/05/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
I've got to say I've noticed that musicians are often the worst music reviewers ever. It's nothing but pat phrases, lack of insight and often a startling lack of an idea of what makes music, work.
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Superawesomerad
12/05/09

@jasonelias: Rolling Stone still hasn't figured this out. Those "Best (whatever) Of All Time" listicles they put out every year or so are always partially written by musicians, and those blurbs are always embarrassing to read (yes, even by RS standards).
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jasonelias
12/06/09

@Superawesomerad: Very true, it's amazing how a musician can't articulate what they like about an influence. Weird I can't really think of one good one.
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Trai_Dep
12/05/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
Err, we ARE talking about the editorial page of the freaken' Wall Street Journal, correct? As a launchpad to suggest that bringing in people not on the masthead is a bad idea?
I think your initial premise needs more work, Ravi.
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OMG! Ponies!
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
I have to say, James Franco's writing was self-important claptrap.

After the first paragraph, I found myself asking, "Mr Franco, why should I care about your 'art'?"

I am still waiting for an answer.
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Tremonius
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
"But wait. The women. Look at the women. All is not well. I'm thinking about the women. This is Iran."

This is Toro, crawling across the ring to retrieve his mouthpiece in The Harder They Fall. When you're stunned, you go back to basics, like simple declarative sentences. And, like Toro, a celebrity is convinced he's Champ simply because everybody lays down for him.
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snugbug
12/04/09

@Tremonius: Penn would do much better as a TV reporter. Or at least please my broadcast prof in J-school, whose eternal refrain was: "Short. Declarative. Sentences." As someone who's addicted to compound adjectives and adverbs, I don't get it, but I suppose sounding like a telegram has its advantages.
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Edited by snugbug at 12/04/09 12:47 PM snugbug was starred snugbug was unstarred

Tremonius
12/04/09

@snugbug: Mark Twain says he learned from an editor you write something, then go back and take out all the adjectives. But I read later about ol' Sal and Dean cruising DC during the inaugural for Harry S Truman and at the end of all the vast armaments lined up murderous and threatening there was one ordinary small boat "looking pitiful and foolish in the snowy grass."

I always loved that ever since. It's great humor and done simply, and you have to use adjectives to make it work. I try and remember that.

"Ah, yass, Harry Truman, man from Missouri, as I am; that must be his own boat." - On the Road
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snugbug
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
Actually, Bono's worst op-ed piece to date was an interminable "ode to Berlin" that he penned for the NYT for the 2oth anniversary "of the wall's falling" this past October.

It's formatted as a 2,000-word film script that flashes backward and forward, and during which Bono refers to himself in the third person as "THE SINGER" (sic, all caps) with the ironic subtlety of a jackhammer tearing up the pavement.

Cobbled together from deeply metaphoric constructions such as "The black has devoured the blue," and "The bandmates found it darkly funny to imagine the papers back home carrying a photo of them protesting Mikhail Gorbachev’s great drawing back of the Iron Curtain," the message emerges:

Yeah, the fall of the Berlin was kinda cool and symbolic and whatever, but the fact that U2 was there to witness it blow-by-blow is what really propelled it into history books.

This shit was way over the top even for someone with Bono's messianic complex. One has to laugh..
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Edited by snugbug at 12/04/09 12:14 PM snugbug was starred snugbug was unstarred

epiclady
12/04/09

@snugbug: CHRIST. Gave the Berlin Wall article a try, and I just can't...there are no...it's totally...all I can come up with is "unreadable" and "unbelievable." Bono said it all, I guess.
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snugbug
12/04/09

@epiclady: Your loss, lady. You missed the part when Bono interrupted German Chancellor Angela Merkel during a G-8 summit to school her in how to do her job, plus his hard-earned, Weltschmerz-y conclusion: "I think honesty is the hardest thing for a performer"..
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TheologicalSong
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
that's all well and good, but how does "aging midget who wears sunglasses indoors" buttress your point, exactly, Ravi? an example of responsible, incisive journalism, apparently. if you must insist on cheap shots, a modicum of elegance might be useful.
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Tremonius
12/04/09

@TheologicalSong: Okay, how about "Cyd Charisse in boxers"?
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TheologicalSong
12/04/09

@Tremonius: now yer talkin', Tre!
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Tremonius
12/04/09

@TheologicalSong: Yes, but remember, now, Mike Royko or one of them grizzled newshounds of yore relayed the first advice he ever received from an even older and more grizzled editor: "Write about nuns and midgets. A story about nuns and midgets tells itself."
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TheologicalSong
12/04/09

@Tremonius: sounds about right.
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Tweezergal
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
But even worse than your-average-run-in-the-mill celebrity "authors" are business-people, anchors, and politicians who hire academics, reporters, or independent intellectuals to ghostwrite their articles: I can think of a few esteemed bigwigs who've "published" pieces in the rarified New York Review of Books-- only they haven't really written them. And do you think Tom Brokaw penned any of "his" books?
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Edited by Tweezergal at 12/04/09 11:41 AM Tweezergal was starred Tweezergal was unstarred

Ravi Somaiya
12/04/09

@Tweezergal: email me their names!
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AzureTexan
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
"I'm confused. Suzanne Somers is famous, and SHE'S a good writer."

— Kim Kardashian, in Sunday's London Times
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Tremonius
12/04/09

@AzureTexan: I love it.

Dr Dean Edell considers Oprah's program one of the most lethal threats to health and life in America today, and one of her prize guests is this particular blow-up doll. There are plenty of other fruit loop frauds, and Oprah will present them, right after this ...
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AzureTexan
12/04/09

@Tremonius: Tremonius, it sounds like you might be interested in the new desert utopia I'm starting, Awesomeville, which'll be devoid of empty celebrity and semi-legitimate fame . . . although, I grant you, I'll be quite the famous celebugenius for having started it.
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Kakapo
12/04/09

@AzureTexan: You must seek out "Touch Me in Whimsy: The Poems of Suzanne Somers." And, no, I am not making that title up.
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AzureTexan
12/04/09

@Kakapo: I'll definitely seek it out, because I'm curious how many poems can begin, "Come and knock on our door. . . "
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LolpantsofArabia
12/05/09

@AzureTexan: Er, that'd be this week's London Sunday Times. It's an entirely separate paper, under the terms prescribed by the Government when Murdoch bought it.

/pedant
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Banjo-Sea Kitten
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
What's been worse is the speaking Sean Penn--on Larry King especially. He cannot form an articulate sentence to save his life. At least Sarah Palin is just ignorant and aims for soundbite folksy; Penn on the other hand is certainly not as ignorant, and his heart has been in the right place at times, but he aims for deep and brilliant and misses those marks every time.
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Tweezergal
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
Hooray Ravi Somaiya, for exposing what everyone knows but few want to admit, that "celebrity writer" is an oxymoron. The fact is, even edited pieces by celebrities are garbage, because rewrite people have a hard time turning their illiterate ramblings into anything substantial. What their original pieces look like when they first land on an editor's desk would be embarrassing for a ten-year-old -- that is, if they weren't already reshaped by the celebrity's personal assistant. Bono in The Times?! What a joke! I'm still laughing over Warren Beatty's op-ed piece years back. Fame seekers, who are much too interested in being stared at, are not prepared for the hard, solitary work and thought that good and intelligent writing requires.
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Edited by Tweezergal at 12/04/09 11:07 AM Tweezergal was starred Tweezergal was unstarred

If_I_Had_a_Poodle
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
Are you suggesting that writing is a craft and a skill that requires effort and practice? This is an interesting topic. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
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MrInBetween
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
Sean Penn is emultating Hemingway. Try again, nitwit.
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Arken
12/04/09

@MrInBetween: By metaphorically shooting himself in the face?
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Tremonius
12/04/09

@MrInBetween: From the time before shadows, Anselmo sat up on the turret and he marked down the cars passing in the dust of the road in the valley below. The dust from the tracks rose straight up as a spire will in that country where they were allowed to rise, and drifted over to coat the leaves left on the solitary oaks along the ridge. His pencil was stubby but the women did not mind. But he did not know to count the women. The advance was lost because the women were not counted. We didn't like it, just as we didn't like Japanes art that season when the botas were frilled on the outside and Humberto was victorious, but there wasn't really anything we could do about the women. They were there just as the art was, dusty and solitary in the gloomy shade cast by the turret where Anselmo counted the cars. He counted, all right, only not the women.
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Pope John Peeps II
12/04/09

In reply to Why Celebrity Op-Eds Suck
what happened to:

*celebrities are dumb
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marin79
12/04/09

@Pope John Peeps II: Ha! Though, I actually think Franco is intelligent (esp relative to the rest of the bunch). Just takes himself far too seriously with that article & perhaps, as Ravi notes, suffered from bad editing.
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Pope John Peeps II
12/04/09

@marin79: Franco is simply NOT stupid. He's a person of regular intelligence. Which in celebrity parlance means he's a genius unparalleled in human history. But by no means should he start to think he's particularly smart. His writing is also horribly, horribly undergrad-ish.

I think it's more honest without an editor. I think an editor would have balked at editing this, knowing that if this person is going to play on his celebrity to get an article out there, the only way to even that out karmically is to let his writing speak for him, and show the world what he's about. Writing speaks loudly.
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Mike Jahn
12/04/09

@Pope John Peeps II: More to the point recently, what happened to "cocktail waitresses are dumb?"
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PaisleyPajamas
12/04/09

@Pope John Peeps II: Yes, you make an excellent point--let them show their asses via their diatribes de célébrité in all their fascinating shortcomings. It just boosts the work--the hard work--of true journalistic experts up a notch.
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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
12/04/09

@PaisleyPajamas: Oh, if only there were more than just a handful of Gawker commenters who could tell the difference between "good journalism" and "celebrity wankerage."
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marin79
12/04/09

@Pope John Peeps II: I never implied that he was a genius. If you consider what "regular intelligence" actually is for this country, I'd say he's above average even though his writing is undergrad-ish. That doesn't mean that I believe he deserves to being doing op-eds in the WSJ, but let's not forget - they also employ PEGGY NOONAN! How high of a bar is it really?
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marin79
12/04/09

@Pope John Peeps II: And if you want a good laugh - check out unedited Franco writing in the UCLA Literary Journal:

[www2.humnet.ucla.edu]
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PaisleyPajamas
12/04/09

@marin79: Oh-my-freakin-gawd. I'm crying. I'm crying because James Franco is going to have a Master's from effing Columbia, and I never will.

He gets extra goober points for his use of "hillock."
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jthh
12/04/09

@marin79: Really?? Really?? I wish I did not just spend 10 minutes of my life reading that.
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momof3wildkids
12/04/09

@PaisleyPajamas: Speaking of master's from Columbia.... have we heard any updates from the guy who is supposed to be blogging about it here lately? #mastersareawasteoftimeandmoney
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nozer
12/04/09

@marin79: Are you talking about the actor or the fictional soap opera artist?
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nozer
12/04/09

@marin79: ""I brought some of that stuff," said Jason. He pulled out a baggie of cocaine and poured a little pile on the desktop. I didn’t like this. The prostitution was one thing, but the cocaine was another level."

Really, James Franco of Hollywood?
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marin79
12/04/09

@nozer: it's all so meta it's hard to keep straight!
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PaisleyPajamas
12/04/09

@nozer: HA! Like a true undergrad, worried the 'rents might read what he wrote and cut him off financially. He must have done some terrific research at UCLA for any future role as an insipid college student.
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Lymed
09/16/09

In reply to Jessica Simpson and the Tale of the Dead Bitch
I can't say anything bad about a person who is in denial about the loss of a pet.
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DahlELama
09/16/09

@Lymed: Agreed, especially someone who you know doesn't have the shoulder of a significant other to lean on...because he gave her walking papers as a birthday present. For all her...whatever, she seems like a nice enough person. I'll wait till she grabs someone's mike at an awards show before trashing her.
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strangelittlegirl
09/16/09

@DahlELama: Seriously. I usually derive serious enjoyment from snarking on celebs, but I can't get it up for her lately. It seems like she has been publicly shamed in one way or another over and over again - now her dog gets eaten by a goddamned coyote? Dear Lord. Her love life is starting to mirror mine on the humiliation scale, and therefore, I've developed a whole new respect for her. I was even given the ole heave ho on my birthday this year too. This has also led me to the conclusion that my dog must be tethered to me at all times, although I'm fairly certain there are no coyotes where I live. You never know.
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Banjo-Sea Kitten
09/16/09

@Lymed: Yes. RIP, little Daisy. The killing was probably very quick.
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vampirebris
09/16/09

@strangelittlegirl: Not to scare but coyotes are EVERYWHERE.
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Banjo-Sea Kitten
09/16/09

@vampirebris: yep. Even NYC.
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MissyMiss
09/16/09

@Banjo-Sea Kitten: We have them in the suburbs of Seattle, so if you have outdoor kitties you don't have them long. We had a cougar recently, and of course there are always cars.
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shag_carpet_bomb
09/17/09

@MissyMiss: we do! My son and I saw our neighborhood coyote the other day.
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secretagentman
09/16/09

In reply to Jessica Simpson and the Tale of the Dead Bitch
Jesus George, I said I was sorry, next time I will warm my hands first. My man is so indiscreet.
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