[Cracked]

[Cracked]

Love and Rockets
What's it about? What isn't it about? In one of the first important alternative comics of the 80s, Gilbert and Jaime Hernandez perfected a brand of engaging, sexy, comic family that makes Tyler Perry look like a prop comic. Originally self-published by these two brilliant brothers, Love and Rockets found a niche as an evolving, chaotic work of genius that spans both of the Americas. Choosing one story would be difficult, but the mystery set in the fictional town of Palomar might be the perfect place to start.
Who should star and direct? Even the visual style of the Hernandez brothers fits King of the Hill creator Mike Judge, and instead he is wasting years of his life on movies like the Luke Wilson-Maya Rudolph comedy Idiocracy. Judge is laboring on another television show in the interim, and when he decides to come back to the big screen L & R should be the reason. Casting a bunch of total unknowns for this would be a stroke of genius. My office will bill your office, Mike.

Thunderbolts: Faith In Monsters
What's it about? Prolific comic book scripter Warren Ellis' version of Thunderbolts is the story of a bunch of supervillains forcibly conscripted by the U.S. government to apprehend rogue superheroes. The unlikely and largely unknown team of Swordsman, Venom, Bullseye, Moonstone, Songbird, Penance and Radioactive Man won't win in the name recognition category. The dark and funny concept is the key here, turning the traditional structure of superheroes on their head. Thunderbolts may have to wait until the genre collapses in on itself and is in need of a shake-up.
Who should star and direct? Ellis' group of villains are led by Spiderman's Norman Osborn, and since Willem Dafoe's version of him is relegated to cable, a suitable replacement would be to resurrect the classic performance of Greg Kinnear's Captain Amazing character from Mystery Men as the team leader. I'll also have to see if the guy who directed Clue is still alive, I am imagining a similar comical/scary vibe. Victory! John Landis is still kicking.

Potential
What's it about? By all rights Potential is the way that Juno soundtracker Kimya Dawson should have been widely exposed to the American-moviegoing public. A coming of age story about a young lesbian girl by L Word writer Ariel Schrag, Potential doesn't need the traditional contrivances (pregnancy, wedding, love triangle) to be a uniquely moving story of an unrequited love. May 6 was supposed to mark the move back into print for this astonishing book, but it's already freely available on Amazon again. Potential has the potential to not only be a hilarious journey through adolescence, but a story that actually helps young people find themselves.
Who should star and direct? Since Ellen Page's handlers will be keeping her at least 50 feet away from this project at all times, and time travel isn't available to use a young Natalie Portman as the object of desire, how about Juno co-star Olivia Thirlby? She's naturally funny and winning. I guess Todd Solondz would probably ruin this project, but a more sincere film might challenge his critics and he doesn't appear to be working on anything except his own self-loathing.

Marvel 1602
What's it about? Plans for a Justice League movie have fallen apart out of serious fear about how much money the studio that greenlit this project would be making. In all seriousness, the presence of Superman, Batman and the rest that would require so much star power the production would probably just break down into an extremely competitive circle jerk (2-to-1 odds on Brandon Routh in that one). Instead of having to hire a 16 person continuity commission, they could just go with with this slightly different version of the familiar superheroes of the Marvel Universe. This historically fascinating Neil Gaiman-conceived project is perfect for the big screen, and only requires Nick Fury, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men and Captain America. That's pocket change compared to Batman and Superman.
Who should direct and star? It's no shock Lord Steven Spielberg hasn't jumped on the superhero train, but since Shia LaBoeuf isn't exactly scoring in bars, I could see them teaming up again down the road. (Shia as Captain America? No. Nick Fury? Nooo. Wolverine's little brother Wolvy? Yes.) Unfortunately, Spielberg seems committed to the Abbie Hoffman movie Chicago 7. If he can't get the stars required to make Marvel 1602 happen, no one can.

1. Indestructibility: "We obviously go into most superhero stories more or less positive that the hero won't die, but they still entertain us because the hero doesn't know that."
2. Moral absolutism: "Superman has no values of his own, so he's content to just uphold the values of the ruling class."
3. Truth, justice, and the Kryptonian way: "You could say he's a symbol of 'hope,' but not hope in human nature - hope in an all-powerful alien who saves the world daily so you don't have to get off your butt and act like a moral person."
4. Powers given < powers earned
5. Batman > Superman: "It's five times harder for Batman to do anything which Superman takes for granted on a daily basis, yet he often does it a hell of a lot better."
6. To fix these problems is to turn him into another superhero altogether: "Heck, Superman's arc in Kingdom Come isn't even anything deeper than "America has forgotten me and I them, and we need to restore faith in one another." Wow - real interesting. While you're doing that, Batman will be over in the corner, contemplating suicide.

Incidentally, this sort of stunt may feel like a cheap grab for readership in a dying industry, and it is, but it's also part of a long tradition in superhero comics of violating all traditional rules of literature. Superheroes have always died, resurrected, and revealed their identities without consequence. Why doesn't this ruin the brand? Well, when's the last time you bought a comic book? Modern film audiences don't need to actually read the comic to get the Batman brand, so DC can do what they like with comic-book Batman while film Batman keeps raking in money.

But still, they're killing Batman, dude, the real honest-to-god comic-book Batman, and the Times will write about the character's importance to America, making a sort of cultural obituary, and either Chuck Klosterman or the Freakonomics guys will explain how this is a zeitgeist, and DC might sell a few extra copies before its comics again fade into obscurity.

Six minutes:

Two and a half minutes (and with a superior soundtrack by the Fiery Furnaces):

Commenters on Metafilter are comparing Gran's process, which uses a program called Manga Studio, to pencil-and-ink.

Lethem's tale for Marvel Comics focuses not on a spandex-and-cape hero, but instead on a mysterious young boy orphaned by robot parents and protected by, well, a spandex-and-cape hero. The take is an original one, or at least it was in 1977. Instead of tackling one of Marvel's big guns, Lethem chose to retell Omega, lifting much of the new comic's plot and dialog from that of first issue, published 30 years ago.

Originally announced in 2005 to debut in 2006, the book faced many delays, added a co-writer (Lethem's childhood friend Karl Rusnak), and finally came out in 2007. First issue sales neared a respectable 20K, but decreased to just under 14K for the second issue. The ten-issue limited series is planned to be eventually released as a hard-cover graphic novel, to be published after the series finale in late summer. It has received generally positive reviews from comics fans, who have described it as "very last episode of St. Elsewhere-ish".

TIME Correction from Etheridge Press Release Sent Earlier Today

***CORRECTED VERSION OF EARLIER PRESS RELEASE. "DAVID CROSS" WAS INADVERTENTLY MENTIONED ON PRESS RELEASE AS THE FATHER OF MELISSA ETHERIDGE S FIRST TWO CHILDREN, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE READ "DAVID CROSBY." ****

Unfortunately, the correction came too late — stoned Mr. Show fans across the nation had, by Sunday night, erupted in violent protest, chanting "death to folk-pop!"

Four people were killed before the marauding hipsters heard the truth. Their alt-comedian was still safely alt.

Q&A Melissa Etheridge [Time]

But wait. This duo has its Lex Luthor, too — and it's one who's been terrorizing New Yorkers of both genders for more than a decade. Who is this masked nemesis? And can the heroes vanquish her? You'll have to read the comic to find out.

The Amazing Adventures of Lethem and Chabon [link via emdashes]