Gawker: commenter+executions

Of Death and Catapults

jack_ketch — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:19:00 EDT

Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours.

Executed: censoredout
Crime: This isn't obvious by now?

Executed: MICKEYBLUEFRIES
Crime: How about now? Also, D-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-R-I-E-S. You're welcome.

Executed: YourGoldKeith
Crime: Yawning

Executed: IHateNewYork
Crime: OMG A TROLL! KILLLLL IT!!!!

Executed: AndSheSaid
Crime: Well it was obvious, but you did it anyway. That's almost worse.

Executed:Hez
Crime: Bloodthirsty nervous breakdowns are unbecoming of a lady

That was exhausting. I might not have energy enough for the brothels tonight*.

*This is patently untrue.

Bad Luck For Some of You

Sheila — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:55 EDT

From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part.

Executed: Fishman
Crime: WARNING UNFUNNY INSANE SEXISTS: NO ONE LIKES YOU

Executed: Lothario
Crime: Cuntishness

Executed: In Other News...
Crime:

JACK KETCH: Hello, In Other News...

IN OTHER NEWS...: Oh my! Um, hello. I didn't notice you there. I was just writing another excessively long dialogue exchange for Gawker.

JK: I don't think that will be necessary.

ION: Why not?

JK: Because you're dead.

ION: I am? I don't feel dead. I feel...pretty.

JK: and witty? You aren't.

ION: Some people seem to like my really really long and kind of repetitive one note joke dialogue comments.

JK: That's nice. I find them bothersome. Want to write one act plays? Get a blog.

ION: I have one! It's&mdash

JK: I don't care. You're dead.

ION: Wait! Is this like one of those joke executions where I get to come back in two hours?

JK: I should fucking hope not.

Fin
(Thank God)

Please direct all whining to gawkerexecutioner@gmail.com. Or whatever Conbon's email address is.

Why Do You People Force Me To Hurt You?

Sheila — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:22:54 EDT

Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:34:36 EDT

As you can imagine, most of the executions we wanted to carry out this week concerned people who sent us e-mail. Since that is sadly impossible (and, you know, illegal) we had to sate our bloodlust with the collection of commenters you'll find below. Thanks for stopping by, folks, we hope to see you again real soon.

Executed: cajun boy in the city
Crime: Predictability.

Executed: swaytalk
Crime: Wandering into the wrong part of town.

Executed: Eunice X
Crime: Unfunny racism.

Executed: HyperboleandLies
Crime: Assuming that "corporate" tells us anything.

Executed: stuckinIraq
Crime: No real crime. It's just that Gawker hates the troops.

Execution is just that: banishment. Beheading. Public death. The big check-out. Y'all may check the Gawker Comments FAQ. It is also true that banned commenters may return through our invitation. The best way to receive such is to send us cookies (peanut butter, please) or charming and juicy gossip-filled emails.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:33:15 EDT

We've got the Grindhouse fever and there's only one known cure, short of actually seeing Grindhouse: execute the bejesus out of a boatload of commenters. Block 'em all and let God sort 'em out. Let's do it.

Executed: Jadorezola
Crime: Foul overshare time-out necessary. Also confusion. Maybe even confusion=sex.

Executed: colinsmith
Crime: Only we get to make the "slow news day" crack.

Executed: Badly Written Boy
Crime: Dave Zinczenko cock obsession.

Executed: citytropic
Crime: Not caring enough about Julia Allison.

Executed: LemonLyman
Crime: Formulaic "text from post" quip about Gawker self-referentiality. Using all caps sometimes. Not caring about food. Also, tweaking on Adderall.

Executed: Lloyd Grove
Crime: He's not a commenter, as far as we know, but we just wanted to execute him for kicks. Feels good!

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 15:34:58 EDT

You've actually been a fairly well-behaved—even entertaining and sometimes enlightening!—bunch this week. It's a shame to see any of you go. But upon us all the axe must fall, and this week we say goodbye to five members of the commenting community. Did you make the cut?

Executed: Jonathan-8-Smith
Crime: Being asleep in class.

Executed: Zombie G. Zomborgo
Crime: Get your own blog.

Executed: Trouble
Crime: Implying that we have quotas. SUCK MY WWEEEEENNNNIEEEEEEEEE! We post about Radar because we fucking enjoy it!

Executed: gawker_stalker
Crime: Ignorance re: vag lifts, among other things.

Executed: Bartender
Crime: Constant linkage to Abbe Diaz. Abbe's "writing" makes our head hurt.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:15:11 EDT

Quite a week for purging. Apart from the real-time executions of soldierboyadam and Simba Marimba (guess what they had in common?), we've got a slate of condemned commenters on their way to the gallows as we speak. Tie a napkin around your neck and see if you're about to have your last meal.

Executed: Mark Duffy
Crime: Not exactly leading by example vis a vis funniness.

Executed: marcassha
Crime: Short attention span.

Executed: eastcoastcommenter
Crime: Ditto.

Executed: thatgirl
Crime: Speaking truth to power.

Executed: Alex Blagg
Crime: Racism. Also Blakeleyism.

Disputants may consult the Gawker Comments FAQ, section 5. However, note also that this manner of death isn't really permanent. Banned commenters may return through invitations or through future general amnesties. Existing commenters should also feel free to nominate other commenters for future bannings; doing so will, of course, raise one's own potential banning profile.

This Week in Gawker Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 15:48:11 EDT

Hey, did you hear something? Yeah, you're right, probably just the wind. Oh, no, wait, it's COMMENTER EXECUTIONS! We've chosen to do things a little differently this week, with a group cull. Are you part of the group? The answer is after the jump.

Just to make a point - and prove how truly unpredictable we are - we've decided to terminate every single person* who piled on in the lame mockery of Lynn Yeager yesterday. Yeah, sure, she's had the same face since the eighties, but, come on, you people are better than that. Say goodbye (for now) to Pigfoot, Mary Mouse, Guerilla Hack, antisocialite, La Cieca, and EBW.

*Except for KarenUhOh. We don't want to live in a world where KarenUhOh isn't a Gawker commenter, do you?

This Week in Gawker Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 13:55:16 EST

We're in a surly mood this week at Gawker; surly and curt. After the jump we determine who lives and who dies, giving impossibly brief rationales for our executions. Yours, though, is not to reason why, yours is merely to comment and then face our wrath. The newly departed lie in state below.

Executed: Bob Loblaw
Crime: Bad satire.

Executed: BrianVan
Crime: Doltishness.

Executed: Traffy
Crime: Copyediting.

Executed: Cory
Crime: No.

^{Disputants may consult the Gawker Comments FAQ, section 5. However, note also that this manner of death isn't really permanent. Banned commenters may return through invitations or through future general amnesties. Existing commenters should also feel free to nominate other commenters for future bannings; doing so will, of course, raise one's own potential banning profile.}

This Week in Gawker Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 12:30:27 EST

What's that sound? Oh, it's a bell! And it's tolling for... these:

Executed: FarfelFershtayst
Crime: So many, but we'll go with this one.

Executed: Skip Gates
Crime: Assuming one of the girls is taking it from an N+1er. It could be Balk, you know.

Executed: Angelina
Crime: Relying on Gawker to give her "IMPORTANT AND RELEVENT INFO up to the minute." Also, use of "dunzo."

Executed: JohnElvis
Crime: That NSFW avatar. Enough said.

This Week in Gawker Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 13:51:28 EST

Without further ado, here comes the axe!

Executed: lypocenes
Crime: Claiming credit for 'carpet matches the drapes' Britney joke.

Executed: momo
Crime: Stifling our creativity.

Executed: jmattingly33
Crime: Being a predictable, jaded unhappy little thing.

Executed: LRM216
Crime: No crime specifically, we just want her to be one with Anna Nicole.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 18:00:05 EST

Thought we forgot, huh? Nope, it's Whacking Day! Say goodbye (for now) to:

Executed: Tete Rouge
Crime: Not really understanding our taste in men.

Executed: Narnia
Crime: Being so easily confused; that fucking lion avatar.

Executed: Cheap Shot
Crime: One homophobic comment too many.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 14:50:38 EST

Nothing is certain in this life save death. Much the same is true for comment status on Gawker; it can be rescinded at any time. For three commenters, that time is now. Today's executees:

Executed: mr-scribbles
Crime: Outing Mick Jagger and David Bowie.

Executed: Roman Hans
Crime: What, it was too subtle for you in the post?

Executed: Blue Ribbon
Crime: Critiquing posts critiquing the NYTimes.com ad nauseum is not amusing or comment-worthy. You have to try a little harder.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 12:30:53 EST

We have a pretty good sense of how the comments section on this one are going to read, so think carefully before you repeat someone's obvious joke lest you wind up on this list in its next installment. Today's executees:

Executed: Pittsburghsteamer
Crime: Gross screenname. Also, pervy.

Executed: Pipharper
Crime: Afraid to be servicey.

Executed: Castercat
Crime: There's a fine line between funny-racist and unfunny-racist. Okay, actually, not that fine.

This Week in Commenter Executions

Chris Mohney — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 16:15:30 EST

Executed: GaryGnu
Crime: His goal of winning the Rory/Raincoaster Memorial Award for commenting on every single post has been achieved; what reason is there to keep him around?

Executed: Glue
Crime: Using the word "snark," taking us to task for running out of "snark," admitting to not getting it.

Executed: Alfonso X. Alfonse
Crime: Still using IE6 and complaining about bullets. Always with the bullets.

Executed: redondodubonnet
Crime: Dumping on Long Island with a profaned Gone with the Wind quote.

This Week in Commenter Executions

abalk2 — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 12:10:43 EST

That picture of the guillotine can mean only one thing: We've overthrown the ancien r gime, and the Committee of Public Safety will soon unleash its reign of terror. Joyeuse Thermidor! Actually, no, we're just axing a few commenters. Up for the chop today:

Executed: Stewman
Crime: Not understanding that observational humor has to contain both observations and humor.

Executed: candiedyams
Crime: Pairing dumb joke with unfair accusation vs. an intern.

Executed: KevinTasteTV
Crime: Pimping own site in commenter name and parenthetical,
plus shuddering twice.

Executed: Mary Mouse
Crime: Stalking Gabe Delahaye. This one comes with a restraining order.

This Week in Commenter Executions

Chris Mohney — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 16:40:11 EST

Time once more for commenter ultraviolence, marinating us all in the precious bodily fluids of the executed. So many choices, but we tried to do the most harm to those doing the same. Today's victims:

Executed: Verlaineverlaine
Crime: Downgrading Ian Spiegelman to the status of "anonymous tipster." Also, sheer idiocy.

Executed: raincoaster
Crime: Mind-blowing unfunniness, excessive "me-too" action.

Executed: Aidan O
Crime: Being totally wrong, on several points.

Executed: RobotsonCasiotones
Crime: Using the "I'm looking at you, X" joke twice in two days.

This Week in Commenter Executions

Chris Mohney — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 13:00:44 EST

The fat feathered gobbler isn't the only one on the block today. In the spirit of holiday sacrifice, we'll decapitate a few turkeys of our own, just to get you properly blooded up. Bring your own cranberry sauce. And don't worry, everyone gets a piece — but we get to carve.

Executed: bornbitter
Crime: Performing Michael Richards-style racial comedy, double posting, linking to his own Livejournal.

Executed: Tulletilsynet
Crime: Assuming that any woman has ever read Cormac McCarthy.

Executed: Ben DovernDover
Crime: Anti-egalitarianism.

Executed: Awesomist
Crime: Deeply implausible claim about Columbia co-eds.

Letter From the Grave: Executed Commenter Responds

abalk2 — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 12:10:29 EST

Our commenter execution policy is tough but fair (and, let's face it, no permanent bar to re-entry.) Occasionally, however, one of the executed becomes so irate by having been banned that they wind up providing us with a fairly strong confirmation that out initial judgment was correct. After the jump we bring you the angry ramblings of a former Gawker commenter. We're gonna go ahead and assume that the [sic] is implied.

"Thanks for the execution. Didn't figure anyone gave a damn.

I'm a 49 year old black female engineer who works for [redacted], one of the biggest nerd factories on earth.

"Every post" that you referred to... was not correct.

I work, I don't screw around with your website during my work days.

I work TWO jobs, but more importantly, I SEEMED to comment on every post because I DID IT DURING THE FEW HOURS I HAD ON MY 'WEEKEND'.

But thanks, cause you broke the spell.

For all your websites.

And now I'm back to blogging for the people who actually appreciate me.

Elitist is the least of your concerns; but you are so correct that I am not your type.

I am married to a journalist and a columnist who is funnier than I and contributed to my replies.

So you didn't execute me...you executed HIM.

Well...he's my husband, mutherfuckers, and you don't diss HIM.

Me?

Don't care...my husband?

Don't you EVER...

Thanks for wasting my time...it's an amusing diversion during the weekend, but for the love of GOD you are in no way ALL THAT.

And by the way, I searched "commenter executions" on ALL of your websites.

What the fuck kind of elitist bullshit is this?

Do you want people to see your site or NOT?

JUST ASKIN.

Actually, I don't care...this site was interesting to my husband, not to me.

I'm too busy to bother, but you needed to know how your crappy executions of NON TROLLS just irritate the living shit outta folks.

Well, done now.

Good day.

[Name redacted]"

We don't have very much to add, except to note the fact that it took two people to write those unfocused dollops of disarticulation. Kind of impressive, really.

Earlier: This Week in Commenter Executions

This Week in Commenter Executions

Chris Mohney — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 15:10:30 EST

Did you miss us? And by "us," we mean bloody commenter revenge murders. Sometimes we like to give the commenting population an extra week to straighten up, but that time is past. And just to make up for our forbearance, you'll get more blood than usual today. A quartet of criminals go on the block, for their day is done. Consider it a meaty sacrifice on the altar of our new political age. So, let's clamber up the corpse-strewn ziggurat and see who's dead.

Executed: Rory
Crime: Comments on almost every single post and, to date, the above-linked example has been her most articulate musing.

Executed: bramphetamine
Crime: Linking to John Mayer's blog.

Executed: jenm
Crime: Expecting far too much of us.

Executed: Simpatia
Crime: Complaining about a typo at 8:40 a.m.