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the commies
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executions
An Ugly Business
Here at the gay liberal art school grad white people headquarters, we are, to a man, (or woman if you care to whine about such things) flawlessly beautiful gay liberal art school grad white people. Most of the time, this is wonderful. What could be better than a salon of erudite and sexy conversants, even if some of them are zombified and utterly annoying exhibitionists? It is a shame, therefore, that some of you have to be witless fops and find your insults of the appearance of others to be contributions most valid. More »
the commies
"Eating a Six-Foot Cake in Slow Motion"
While most of you lot are still gawking at the corpses of your friends, it is important to keep on with the business of living. As President Morgan Freeman says in Deep Impact: "I'm the president." But, also some things about marching on in the face of terrible tragedy. So I urge you to gather here (or, rather, after the jump) and revel in the successes of your peers; six noble souls who looked at an empty comment box and dared to ask "Why not?" More »
executions
Jack Ketch Proffers An Explanation
A few days yore, as I was sifting through
enough already
Please Stop Talking About Puppies
One of the things I never figured out about the internet is why certain sites have commenters, who those commenters are, and what compels them to do what they do. It's one thing to spend your time commenting on a site that has witty, engaging repartee, like this one. But some other places are inexplicable. Like one that came to my attention today: DailyPuppy.com. It exists to post puppy pictures. Okay, fine, I have nothing negative to say about that, dog Nazis. But do said puppy pictures require 90 comments just today, which all sound like this actual example: "Oh baby you are such a cutie-pie. A zillion biscuits and cuddles poppet and have a wonderful life. xxxxxxxxxxx." GOD. It really challenges your ability to even continue liking puppies. Below are some more of the deep thoughts on Chloe the Labrador Retriever, today's puppy (pictured). This dog can't read, you fools! More »
Surprise Executions!
Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.
Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.
the commies
The Best of Late Night!
Sometimes I do things that aren't Gawker related. Usually I do them at night time. These activities include going to movies, taking walks with friends, reading a book at a diner counter, or getting stoned on the couch and squealing at the TV. OK, so I only actually do the last thing, but the point is I'm not (usually) on the computer at night. But you are. And so is Ryan Tate! Our tireless nighttime editor, so far away on the West Coast, is usually in bed when I ask for Commie submissions. So this morning he beat me to the punch and sent over some of his favorites. After the jump find five of the best sleepy time (night and early morning) comments, and of course your Party Pick of the week. More »
executions
The Faithful Departed Morons
This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump. More »
navel-gazing
Gawker Commenters Made Greg Gutfeld, Hercules Cry
So we wrote about former White House press secretary Tony Snow's poor health the other day. And some commenters said some dickish things. That upset staunch defender of morality, public decency, and polite discourse Greg Gutfeld, who hosts a show on Fox News at 3 a.m.. So instead of his usual "aren't gay people so gay" commentary, he used his "Greg-alogue" to attack "Gawker's faceless commenters who take ghoulish glee in Snow's health." Greg Gutfeld, you see, would really like us to write about him, again, and he'd like you guys to comment on it, so that he can talk about it again so we run another clip and so forth until the plague comes. (It's the only way for him to create a false sense of power and achievement that's missing in his marginal life.) Then they ask Kevin Sorbo if he ever goes online to see what people write about him. Has anyone ever written anything about Kevin Sorbo on the internet? Until now? Maybe there was a particularly cruel Prodigy bulletin board post about him in 1996 or something, but he sure seems angry.
the commies
"They Gave Me a Crippled Gay News Anchor"
As some of us tear down the institution from within, others continue to build it up from without. I am speaking of you, dear commenters, who may bicker and snipe but in the end mostly say funny things that make us happy. So, as we mourn the faithful departed, let us also celebrate some of those who linger on. After the jump, find six of the week's best efforts. More »
executions
Death for the Taxing
In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.More »
the commies
"What's this?" "It's a laminated free drinking card."
OMG. Richard is out of town this afternoon, and he's left the Commies to me. It's both a responsibility and a privilege. Each week, scores of people comment, sharing your thoughts and fears, hopes and joys. Sharing your snark. Yet each week, only a few are chosen as the best. Um, not that winning really matters! This week, it's all about how you feel. More »
executions
Meet Our Executioner
Some of you may have seen some recent comments by Jack Ketch, who speaks in olden tongue and scolds you for scurrilous commentary. Starting today, Mr. Ketch will be acting as our official executioner, much like the real Jack Ketch of old. As we laud five commenters every week in the Commies, he will dispatch five troublesome typers every Friday. Everyone has a reprieve this week, but be on your toes! Jack will be lurking in the comments, giving you warnings of possible doom. Then, next Friday, five heads will roll.
the commies
"Ask Me About My Miscarriage"
This week was kind of gross. People were making out with people they really shouldn't be, stupid rich kids were getting upset about their privacy, there was some unpleasantness about the Black Party, and all manner of other awful stuff. But you, dear commenters, gracefully transcended the grimy bonds of the subject matter to say many beautiful things. OK, not beautiful maybe. But at least reflecting some human decency and principle that tells me you would never suck face with Frankenberry. Find some of the best after the jump. More »
the commies
"Did Google Molest Her Child?"
Webster's Dictionary defines commenting as what you do when you are sitting at your desk and your eyes feel like they might fall out because you have been looking at the same spreadsheet for an hour but all you can see is a view of the grass from the porch of your friend's college apartment where you used to get drunk and stoned and feel great about life so you decide to let go of the spreadsheet for a minute or two or sixty. Or, you know, it's just something silly and fun. Whatever. After the jump, find our five favorite from this week. More »
i'll make it quick
Hey surfbeavernsb! Calling some random stranger a "fatty" one time may be considered sort of funny (if it's in the right context of course! don't kill me!), but mocking some not actually fat woman something like nine times in one post is just stupid. So, ya clipped. I don't care if it was "ironic" or whatever. And if any commenter says what I suspect at least one commenter will say, they're outta here too. Update: Say goodbye to KikiRiki as well, for this.
Execution: No Fatties
Hey surfbeavernsb! Calling some random stranger a "fatty" one time may be considered sort of funny (if it's in the right context of course! don't kill me!), but mocking some not actually fat woman something like nine times in one post is just stupid. So, ya clipped. I don't care if it was "ironic" or whatever. And if any commenter says what I suspect at least one commenter will say, they're outta here too. Update: Say goodbye to KikiRiki as well, for this.
veronica webb
Veronica Webb Meets the Web-Haters
Oh former models like Veronica Webb. Please stop going around saying and writing things. Know why? You're dumb and people don't like you. Ms. Webb was blogging about how she would give Ashley Dupree, one of former Governor Eliot Spitzer's many call girls, a makeover when a bout of the very-stupids overtook her. For instance, saying that Dupree's "almond-shaped blue eyes are her best feature." Dupree, of course, has smokey brown eyes."Every king eventually meets his Beowulf," Webb observes. "Some survive and some don’t." What do you suppose the commenters did with this? More »
the commies
