Gawker: Commerce

Jeffrey Epstein's Prison Store Receipt

Pareene — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 15:31:27 EDT

Weird "billionaire" "financier" Jeffrey Epstein is in jail right now, for soliciting prostitution. The guy loved sexy massages from underaged girls, and so his jet-set lifestyle is now a bit less jet-setty. No more private planes and hanging out with Kevin Spacey. But prison's not so terrible! The Smoking Gun reports: "During his first three months in jail, the 55-year-old massage enthusiast has spent about $1250 on a wide variety of snacks (moon pies, BBQ chips, cheddar cheese squeezers) and skin care products (Lubriderm, hand lotion, and petroleum jelly)." Attached: one of his commissary receipts! Epstein seems to be buying a lot of extra things, presumably for use as barter. Because of the stock market, you know. And because of prison. [TSG]

Spanx: The Ass End Of Commerce

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 10:30:24 EDT

I do not have one single informed or worthwhile opinion about women's fashion, except this: The existence of "Spanx" is a bad thing. Shoving one's thighs, buttocks, and midsection into a tight spandex tube that crushes you like a hot dog casing does not count as "reshaping your body." It counts as "cutting off blood flow to vital organs." Spanx represent deception and instant gratification in the form of underwear, which explains their popularity and their status as a celebrity must-have. So I guess it's not surprising that the company's founder and president credits her success to "my butt":

WSJ: Tell me about your lucky red backpack, which you wore to your first Spanx sales meeting at Neiman Marcus.

Ms. Blakely: It's just an old-fashioned Eastpack from the early 1990s. When I first cold-called Neiman Marcus to sell Spanx, my friends all begged me not to bring it and to buy a Prada bag instead, even if I had to return it the next day. It's my lucky bag, although I think seeing my butt [in Spanx] actually worked more than the backpack. I had no shame — I took the Neiman Marcus buyer into the bathroom, and as soon as I came out of the stall and she saw my pants [with the Spanx underneath], she said, I'll buy 3,000 pairs.

Remember: Always. Be. Closing. By using your butt.

WSJ: Ms. Paltrow is actually one of many actresses who has praised Spanx. Did you have a moment when you knew you had "arrived"?

Ms. Blakely: Actually, it would have to be when Gwyneth told the press she attributed her post-baby body [after the birth of daughter Apple] to Spanx, and said that all the celebrities wear them two pair at a time on the red carpet.

This is simply misguided. You want something even better than Spanx? Try THIS on for size, Gwyneth:

[WSJ. I am aware that nobody cares about my opinion on "Spanx."]

Remember 9/11 With Pure Liberian Silver

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:06:38 EDT

Have you been searching for just the right way to commemorate the 9/11 disaster? Are kitschy figurines and patriotic truck decals and screaming eagle t-shirts just not doing it for you? The solution has arrived: genuine non-circulated Liberian currency in the shape of a $20 bill—but made out of .999 pure silver, and picturing the once-mighty Twin Towers, and bearing a "9" and and "11" on one side which cleverly add up to $20, which is also the price of this unique and patriotic (USA) item. Here is an ad for this treasure that will simply make you say "wtf." Click to watch right now.

Pop-Up Ads: Evil To The Feeble

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:44:13 EDT

Do pop-up ads qualify as "deceptive marketing practices"? Good Morning America says "yes." A free enterprise advocacy group says "no." We say "yes, but don't you know not to click that shit by now?" We guess it's a public service that GMA did a spot last week warning people not to enter their credit card info into pop-ups. But if you're doing that, you are either elderly, or doomed to be snuffed out by the principles of Darwinian evolution in the digital age. Expect the marketing industry to strenuously object; pop-ups are simply an "information channel" in their view, the bastards. Watch the GMA clip, after the jump:

[BMI]

$100,000 Whitewash: Store Owner Paints Over Banksy Art

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:36:00 EDT

No matter how you feel about the British stencil artist Banksy, you have to admit one thing: his stuff sells for a lot of money. His works have been going for over half a million dollars lately. A homeowner in the UK with a Banksy mural on the side of her house decided to simply sell the mural through an art gallery, and throw in the home for free. But one NYC store owner lucky enough to have a Banksy piece on his building (pictured) was either too ignorant, or too stubborn to take advantage of it. Yes: he painted over it. I hope he loved his momentarily whitewashed wall, because it cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars. The kind of funny, and kind of painful pictures [via SuperTouch] of the man in the revenue-destroying act, after the jump. Ouch.

[final pic via Animal]

Damien Hirst Has Some T-Shirts To Get Rid Of

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:55:53 EDT

Famous artperson Damien Hirst may sell the jeans he makes for $80,000, but he has some t-shirts that are much more affordable. They're 30 pounds, which is slightly less than $80,000. The catch is that all the money goes to support the ominous RED (Global Fund), the celebrity-infused charity that is either saving the world, or plotting to take it over on the low. The shirts feature works of art that the diamond skull craftsman auctioned off earlier to support that charity. Overall, I'm pretty afraid of them. But if you like butterflies, or pills, or balloon animals, you might like the ones after the jump. Cause hey, celebrity artist on your shirt, right?

DAMIEN HIRST MADE THESE SHIRTS RIGHT HERE:

HIS FAMOUS ARTIST FRIEND JEFF KOONS MADE THESE ONES WITH THE BALLOON ANIMAL WHICH YOU CAN ALSO BUY TO WEAR AROUND:

[via High Snobiety]

Broke Journalists Turn To T-Shirt Sales

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 09:15:13 EDT

AngryJournalist.com, the rant-based website that serves as an online barometer of the journalism zeitgeist, has started selling t-shirts. Why is this bad? Well, it means that the site's founders have been thus far unable to properly monetize their online content. Of course, they're journalists (not really, but it sounds better)! Coincidentally, that's about the level of insider joke that you'll find on their t-shirts, as well. Still, we'll be buying the "Print Is Dead" one for Nick Denton to wear triumphantly to media parties. Click through for a few more examples, or visit the crotchety store here.

[Angry Journalist]

What was it like writing the book "Our Dumb ...

Choire — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 11:20:47 EST

What was it like writing the book "Our Dumb World," Onion editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers? "What was it like? Do you know what it's like to bang your head against a concrete wall until you die of a brain hemorrhage? That's similar, I would say, to what it was like to make this atlas. There's really nothing inherently funny about land masses...." [Fishbowlny]