As Barbara Walters Turns
Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 aired last night on ABC, and no guest, no matter how newsworthy, was safe from Bab's dizzying turns during each interview's introduction. Maybe she just wants in on the hero worship.

We're Not Messing With You: the "Cat Massage Lady" Was on Letterman Last Night
This begs the question - is the Late Show desperate for guests? Or is the show trying to grab young, internet-savvy viewers like us to actually tune in to ol' man Letterman's show? Either way, our worlds collided last night.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: In What Crazy Places were Babies Born This Week?
Women don't always know they're pregnant. Babies fall out of them all the time, at really inopportune moments-grocery shopping, making coffee, vacuuming, on blind dates, whatever. The re-enactments of these birth really drive home the awkward, unexpected pain.

Conan O'Brien Brings Out His Caddy to Assess Tiger Woods Jokes
The Tiger Woods Avalanche-of-Mistresses story is unfolding at such a rapid rate, it's nigh impossible for any comedian to keep track of and maximize all their jokes. That's why Conan has deployed a Tiger Woods Joke Caddy.

Steven Seagal Tries to Act Like He's Not a Walking Joke on Steven Seagal: Lawman
Steven Seagal: Lawman combines a really really boring episode of Cops with a washed up, overweight, out of work actor. Even with his fat suit on, he's bound to get recognized by the people he arrests. And it is awkwaaaard.

• Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning make out in The Runaways, and Dakota said they "were so into the scene." Dakota, who also co-starred with sulky Stewart in New Moon, continued: "It was passionate. We're playing Joan Jett and Cherie Curie and they're best friends in the film and became really close in real life. And that's something that went down back in the '70s." Actually, that's something that goes down now, too, but the bigger issue here is: Little Dakota Fanning grew up so fast! It seems like only yesterday Kathy Griffin was making inappropriate jokes about Dakota going to rehab, and now she's actually old enough to do such a thing, and to make out in movies, and do lesbian sex scenes, &c. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Joe Francis plans to file for bankruptcy today, because he owes the IRS $33,819,087.14, and while they wait for him to cough it up, they've frozen some $100M of his assets. Three issues of disbelief: (1) Why does this man have so much money? Yes, this comes up every time there is a story about Joe Francis' ungodly wealth, but it is necessary to keep saying it, lest we lose our grip on how wretched a world that rewards this man truly is. (2) He racked this debt up in three shorts years. Let this be is a lesson in the terror of IRS interest rates. (3) Does the IRS really need to specify down to the fourteenth penny in this case? You'd think that once you hit the $10M mark, they'd round to the nearest thousand or something. [TMZ]
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• Kirstie Alley says Conan "acts like I bit his dick off." During a twitter bitch-fest with Star Jones about how much they hate people who laugh at fat celebs, Kirstie nicknamed him "CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIEN" prompting Star to joke about "brothers from Brooklyn" who "wanted some" (I think. Between the typos and ellipses I'm having trouble making sense of this stuff. It's like decoding hieroglyphics.) and LOLs all around. [HuffPo]
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• Rihanna's dating again! She spent time with 90210 star Tristan Wilds in L.A. last weekend, and appreciates how he is "a real gentleman." Did we mention he's working on a CD? [NYDN]
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• Nicole Richie has been hospitalized for pneumonia. Richie skipped the launch of her Bebe jewelry line House of Harlow last week because she felt sick—did she already have pneumonia then? Are little Harlow and Sparrow okay? [ShowBizSpy]
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• This advice will help an entire generation of starlets: Pam Anderson explains how came clean to her kids about her sex tape with their dad. Anderson says she anticipated a new wave of interest following her cameo on Borat, so explained to her 12- and 11-year-old sons that videotaping sex is something that happens when you are "massively in love," which, for some reason, strikes me as kind of sweet. I always thought a cleaned-up Tommy Lee was the one meant for Pammy. [NYDN]
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• Suri Cruise threw a tantrum over a mink coat she saw in a store window. Katie Holmes said no, so Suri cried, and I am reminded yet again that this child's life is 800 times better than mine. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Robert Pattinson needs to learn which stories about rabid fans are funny and which just freak us out. In a taped interview with Ellen DeGeneres airing Friday, Pattinson describes how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public. An autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" and Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off." The girl ripped her clothes off and "got dragged out of the room by security." Lest we think Edward Cullen a total perv he adds that he "never felt more terrible," it's just that he has a terrible sense of humor, you see. [People]
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• The patriarch of a family that received tens of millions from Michael Jackson to settle a molestation case committed suicide yesterday. Evan Chandler shot himself in the head in his home and was "extremely ill" with cancer, so it probably had nothing to do with Jacko, but the MJ conspiracy theorists will probably go nuts today, anyway. [CNN]
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• Erin Andrews' alleged peephole stalker has been charged with one count of internet stalking. Court documents reveal that he used the email address handsfouryou@yahoo.com, which reminds me of Mr. Hands, the guy who died of a perforated colon after having sex with a horse. This raises an interesting question: Who is creepier, Mr. Hands or Mr. HandsFourYou? At least the horse consented, sort of. Anyway, Mr. HandsFourYou gave his peephole video the file name "Erin Andrews Naked Butt," suggesting that his ability to foresee the consequences of his actions were as weak as Mr. Hands'. [TMZ]
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First of all, Levi doesn't seem like the kind of guy who isn't in on his own joke. We're surprised that he didn't go on The Tonight Show himself to do the bit—and if Conan didn't ask him to, well, then he's stupider than NBC for putting Leno on every night at 10. Anyway, TMZ reports that Levi's lawyer, Rex Jones, has asked for a retraction because of the skit (full video below) where William Shatner, in patented hip cat poetry reading persona, reads supposedly real dispatches from Levi Johnston's dubious Twitter account.

We've believed for some time that the account is fake, and now Butler is claiming that we were right all along and is demanding NBC apologize for claiming there were the real tweets of Sarah Palin's nemesis. To NBC we say, first of all the account wasn't verified, so it was going out on a limb to say it was real. Second of all, duh! Levi may be a little daft, but he's not the asshole who sent those tweets.

As far as his infamous Playgirl shoot goes, we learned from the online publication that they finally got a signed contract delivered today. Now they only have a week to plan all the details of the shoot, which is supposedly going down on the 13th. Playgirl spokesperson Daniel Nardicio says that they're in talks with longtime staff photographer Greg Weiner—the latest to join the porn-named squad of Levi Johnston, Tank Jones, and Rex Butler—to be the lensman. They'll most likely be shooting at a well-known gym as well as a famous hotel and in a studio. Levi gets into town this Friday, so keep your eyes open for him around town. As for what Page Six had to say about the size of Levi's hockey stick, Nardicio isn't too worried. "We've never spoken to Levi about the size of his penis and trust me, we have no concerns as to whether it's big enough and if we did, we wouldn't be telling Page Six about it."

When talking to Page Six, Levi's svengali Tank Jones might have gone back on his previous statement that Levi would definitely be naked for the shoot, but we're ignoring that. Now that there has been so much chatter about the size of the rifle he's hunting with, he has to show to save face. If he doesn't everyone will say that the claims about it being small were right. We can't wait to judge for ourselves.

[Illustration by Steven Dressler]

The Jay Leno Show - Martha Stewart, Ludacris

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien - Jon Hamm, Freestyle Motocross Athletes, Cobra Starship featuring Estelle (Repeat from 8/11/09)

Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Barry Sonnenfeld (Repeat from 10/8/09)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Chris Paul, Landon Pigg (Repeat from 9/22/09)

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ted Danson, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord (Repeat from 9/25/09)

Jimmy Kimmel Live - Edward Norton, Paul Shaffer, the Sounds

The Colbert Report - Jerry Mitchell (Repeat from 10/15/09)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart - Jennifer Burns (Repeat from 10/15/09)

• Poor Sarah Palin! The former Alaska governor wants to charge $100,000 for speaking gigs, but sources say many lecture circuits think she's nothing more than a "blithering idiot" and don't want to shell out the bucks. [Page Six]

  
  

• How far they fall: Eddie Furlong's wife Rachael Kneeland filed a restraining order against the Terminator 2 star. She claims he "grabbed me, bruised me, pushed me, made threats of more violence" and smokes cocaine like a mad man. [TMZ]

  
  

• A medical examiner has officially ruled on suicide in DJ AM's death. It was an "accidental overdose." Still sad, though. [NYDN]

  
  

• Meghan McCain doesn't have the highest opinion of journalists: I am pretty much completely disillusioned with journalists after my time... I think all of it's bad." Wait, don't you write for Daily Beast? [Mediaite]

  
  

• Who knew so many people would want to see Jude Law and Hugh Jackman in the flesh? Their new play, A Steady Rain, broke Broadway's record for single tickets sold in a week. [Reuters]

  
  

• Ew! U2's current tour costs a little over $750,000 each day. And, despite Bono's Earth-friendly ways, a lot of that goes to the 200 trucks that transport equipment, lights and food. [The Sun]

  
  

• Madonna wants to get her embryonic boyfriend, Jesus Luz, DJ gigs at East Village bars, including homosexual establishment Eastern Bloc. [Page Six]

  
  

• Penelope Cruz can't — or won't — say if she prefers kissing Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron. They are both, she says, "pretty beautiful partners." Also, she won't say if she's having Javier Bardem's baby. [Vanity Fair]

  
  

• Let's all pray for Gwen Stefani, for some evil robbers tried to break into her mansion while she was in Singapore. Tragic. [NYDN]

  
  

• Conan O'Brien made fun of Newark, New Jersey, last week, and now the city's mayor, Cory Booker, has posted a YouTube "banning" him from the city's airport, which is basically like telling someone they can't eat glass. That place sucks. [NY Post]

  
  

• BBC executives chided gay comedian Graham Norton for making fun of lesbian haircuts. [Daily Mail]

  
  

• So, Diddy's leaving Warner Bros. for Interscope, but WB won't let him take all of his Bad Boy artists, so he's going to have to find new talent. Good thing he has a billion MTV shows that revolve around that very concept. [Page Six]

  
  

• Oscar-winning Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary was sentenced to one-year in jail yesterday for a DUI accident in which his passenger died. [MSNBC]

It's a cute story, but O'Brien might be getting a little old. He was filming a stunt teasing Teri Hatcher for competing in triathlons in what sounds like a somewhat bizarre bit of O'Brien's stripe of humor. Says Hatcher, via US:

"We did this bit and at the very end, when we ran in to cross the finish line, he slipped as he was crossing the finish line and hit his head," Hatcher tells Entertainment Tonight of O'Brien's accident.

"He didn't get off floor right a way, but then he [seemed] like he recovered and [pulled] it together, and they did an instant replay, and you could really see his head hit the floor," the actress said. "He did go to hospital and he does have a concussion."

Eegh. Scary. TMZ says that he was cracking jokes in the ambulance, and the statement he put out:

"Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice" O'Brien said in the statement.

would seem to indicate that he's fine. But! US closes with a mysterious:

There is no word yet from NBC about plans for future Tonight Show episodes.

And TMZ goes with:

An NBC spokesman tells us, "Conan is resting comfortably at home. He is expected to return to work on Monday."

Even though TMZ posted four hours earlier. Either way, we wish Conan a speedy recovery. NBC execs, however, are probably slightly concerned about keeping up with Conan's physical humor: he's their late night guy, he's expensive to insure, and they can't be pleased about the whole "not getting off the floor right away thing." One's gotta wonder if someone from above hasn't called down to let Conan know to take it easy, or if they did, whether or not Conan would listen (my guess: no). Still: good to know he's staying scrappy.

Now, before you go thinking that everyone wants to see Obama, consider this: his March Tonight Show appearance drew a little over 14 million to Jay Leno's former show. So, it would appear people are not as interesting in falling asleep with B.O.

Last night's event seems like a win for everyone involved. Obama got to be cute and talk about his policies and be cute some more, thus reclaiming the spotlight and, perhaps, people's hearts: Letterman received huge ratings. And even Craig Ferguson saw a boost. His show, which comes right after Letterman's, brought in 3.24 million viewers, giving him his biggest night ever.

The only loser? Conan O'Brien, who had his second worst night since taking over the Tonight Show: 2.24 million.

Final numbers will be in later this afternoon, and we're not going to bore you with all the ratings mumbo jumbo, but the 10pm show was up 70% compared to Conan O'Brien's premiere and 38% from Jay Leno's exit from The Tonight Show. Though it's not fair to compare an 11:35 and a 10 pm show, that's not a bad showing, and many a weekly drama would be happy with such a debut, but considering Leno is expected to do this every night of the week from now until nuclear winter, it's going to be a long road. Let's see how he does once the novelty has worn off and the universal chilliness from critics has sunken in.

The short version goes like this: while in Germany filming Inglorious Bastards, Novak and some of the other cast members learned of a bar in the area called "Tarantino's," a Quentin Tarantino-themed bar filled with memorabilia commemorating the director's film career. So, naturally, the cast thought it'd be a hilarious idea to actually walk into the bar and drink with the man so glorified there. Now, so as to not spoil the ending of the story, I'll stop here, but let's just say that Germans apparently aren't nearly as impressed by celebrity as Americans. Well, with the exception of David Hasselhoff that is.

Oh, and there's also an interesting Brad Pitt anecdote just prior to the Tarantino story, so enjoy...

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

Unfortunately for wax Tom Cruise and wax Fonzie, things didn't end well. However, this is one of the funniest sketches you'll ever see on a television show. It's simply amazing and words really don't do it any justice. It's something you just have to see. Enjoy.

James Hibberd of The Hollywood Reporter says that Leno, who's lost 10-12 pounds running four miles each day, will present a "fast-paced hour" with a monologue and interviews with one or two celebrity guests. There will be wacky bits where celebrities race each other in vehicles powered by alternative fuels, as well as pre-taped segments featuring celebrities. For instance, D.L. Hughley will be the show's Washington correspondent and Brian Williams will do a "Stories Not Good Enough For Nightly News" segment. Musical segments which will occasionally feature multiple acts performing together.

Regarding his deep, hard screwing of Conan O'Brien, Leno says that he and O'Brien are a couple of swell pals looking forward to a "healthy rivalry."

"There was never any tension between Conan and I," he said. "Will we fight like cats and dogs to get the guest? Yes ... but that doesn't mean you don't like each other. It's a game. You tease and trash talk, that's the fun part."

Yes, it's all fun. Just like Leno would've loved it and thought that it was great fun had Johnny Carson moved into a primetime with a talk show taped in the same city as the Tonight Show when he took over. Ugh, why couldn't he just take his pile of cash and go off to work on old cars in between stand-up gigs in Branson?

But seriously, which is a more revolting thought — that Obama actually gave his digits to Jeremy Piven, or that Piven never even bothered to write the numbers down or save them into his phone?

Now, as anyone who has followed Sarah Palin's Twitter can attest, any attempt to make sense of her brain droppings is an exercise in utter futility, so any attempt to go beyond that and recite any Palin 140-character word soup dramatically, as William Shatner did with the tweet below, is, well, quite admirable. Awe-inspiring really.





Behold, a master thespian at work ladies and gentlemen.

And where is this new, no holds barred, politically incorrect Twitter account Sarah Palin promised us all? She's such a tease.

But hey, what can you expect—he's a Hollywood actor who lives on a farm in Kentucky! And Heidi Klum looked sort of traumatized by him. God bless Steve Zahn.

Vid via NBC.com

At first, we couldn't believe Palin actually said, "north to the future," but then we looked it up and saw that it's Alaska's state motto. North to the future? So Australia is living in the past? What happens when you reach the North Pole? That state is a fucking disaster.

Here's the video, followed by the text that O'Brien recognized as Ginsbergian poetry:

soaring through nature's finest show.
Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun.
And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road
that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty,
the cold though, doesn't it split
the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?
And then in the summertime such extreme
summertime
about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter
than just some months ago, than
just some months from now,
with fireweed blooming
along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing
and carving
and reminding us that here,
Mother Nature wins.
It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild
good life teeming along the road that is
north to the future.

Galifianakis also revealed how Todd Phillips used the "you pussy...Will Ferrell would do it" taunt in order to get him to do a scene wearing a jockstrap in The Hangover. Don't you hate it when directors do that?

About Zach Galifianakis—you know how people are always saying that such and such celebrity would be someone they'd like to have a beer with? Well, not saying that Zach Galifianakis wouldn't be a fun guy to drink a beer with, but we've been thinking about this and we think it's be so much more fun to have breakfast with Zach Galifianakis than it would be to drink a beer with Zach Galifianakis. Breakfast at a Waffle House preferably, one located in a rural area, maybe somewhere out in Oklahoma or Nebraska or something, somewhere where there's a good chance our server would be a 50-ish woman named Charleen. Not sure why, but it just seems like it'd be fun to have a long breakfast in a rural Waffle House staffed by saucy middle-aged women with Zach Galifianakis. Somebody make this happen, okay? Thanks.

The question with Cohen's 'Bruno' act is how much longer is this sort of act funny, if it even is any longer? How much longer can he go around acting as the embodiment of every awful stereotype of gay men before he wears out his welcome with both straights and gays? Personally, each time I see a 'Bruno' press appearance, typically filled with furniture humping and crotch thrusts to someone's face, the less enthusiasm I have for seeing the film. It's just not as funny to me anymore. Certainly I'm not the only straight feeling this way?

Shatner's dirty old man act started when he used hand gestures to demonstrate how he has to pee in the woods, hand gestures that sort of insinuated he's packing a big dong. Then he moved on to a story about seeing a pretty girl on a train, a pretty girl he remembers so fondly that he moved his hand back and forth in front of his crotch in a masturbatory motion for emphasis. And then at the end of the interview Shatner, playfully agitated at Conan making fun of him for his inability to make the Vulcan "live long and prosper" salute, gave Conan the finger and the whole place just erupted.

All told, the entire segment is amazing. Definitely the most memorable moment to come out of the new Tonight Show so far, and something that may be remembered for a long time to come.

Video via The Tonight Show/NBC