Richard Elwood Sanden was having sex with a lady when he realized she wasn't breathing. He called the cops, who—after reviewing the contents of Sanden's video camera—arrested him for necrophilia. His excuse: He didn't know she was dead.

An illiterate deaf man who knows no sign language is being prosecuted in Pennsylvania. His linguistic deficit is either his biggest problem—particularly for participating in his defense—or the greatest loophole in his criminal career, depending who you ask.

"As we go to press… we still haven't gotten our interview [with Linday Lohan]," Complex's August/September issue opines. What follows is the journalistic equivalent of battered wife syndrome, the magazine making excuses for the starlet who blew them off.