Pope Francis to Catholics: Your Marriage Is a Sham
This week, Pope Francis said “the great majority” of modern Catholic marriages were religiously invalid due to an insufficient understanding of commitment, successfully making mad dudes very mad.
Cool Pope Probably Not a Trump Supporter
Cool Pope “Francis” (a rap name), a Catholic man that religious people must pretend to respect, continues his irksome habit of making public statements that do not comport with the official positions of Republican presidential candidates.
Vatican City is its own state with its own laws and you may be surprised to learn that one of those laws is that the practice of journalism is illegal. Cool Pope or Not-So-Cool Pope? You decide.
Man Who Put the Pope on a Pizza: We’re Pizza Men, Not Artists
To honor the pontiff’s visit to the United States this week, New York pizza chef Tony Salihaj worked for hours—days maybe, who knows—recreating Pope Francis’s face with cheese and sauce for a special papal pizza.
5-Year-Old Girl Breaks Through Police Barrier to Educate the Pope on Immigration Reform
A five-year-old girl has become one of the few mortals with whom the Pope has held congress on his trip to the U.S. this week.
Capitalist Babies Lash Out at Pope in the Most Capitalist Way Possible
Cool Pope “Francis” (a pseudonym) has said some things in the past that could be interpreted as less than completely enthusiastic about the predations of unrestrained capitalism. That bastard. The plutocrats will show him he’s wrong—the capitalist way!
Philadelphia Mayor Promises Pope a Wawa Hoagie—Any Wawa Hoagie He Wants
Over the past few months, the proud city of Philadelphia has been gearing up for a huge event: the opening of a flagship Wawa in Center City. The pope will be there soon, also.
Cool Pope to Allow Women Who Have Had Abortions into Heaven (For One Year)
Cool Pope Francis announced today that for one year only, the “Jubilee Year of Mercy,” coming to a soul in you on December 8, priests may forgive contrite women who have had an abortion. “Couldn’t they already do that?” you might be wondering. Hey, guess what—NO!!!!
Cool Pope “Francis” (a nickname) in a speech yesterday “called the unfettered pursuit of money ‘the dung of the devil.’” Damn—now that’s a cool Pope.
Pope Trying-Too-Hard Claims He Hasn't Watched TV in 25 Years
According to Buzzfeed, Pope Francis—who really, really, really wants you to think he’s cool—told Argentine newspaper La Voz Del Pueblo this week that he, like, doesn’t even own a TV.
Start Answering All Your Phone Calls—The Pope Might Be Calling
Listen: If you get a phone call, and the guy on the other line says something to the effect of, “Hey, it’s me, the Pope,” do not immediately hang up. It could actually be him!
Let the Pope Eat Carbs
Pope Francis longs for many things in life, surely: World peace, the Parousia, the latitude to say that women can be priests...you know, stuff like that. The one thing he wants for himself? Pasta. And now Vatican doctors are telling him he can’t have it, because he’s gained a little weight since moving to Italy.
Allegedly Cool Pope Still Uncool with Gays Getting Married or Adopting
Pope Francis, the chill pontiff celebrated for his interest in helping the poor and not fucking up the Earth, put the "Pope" back in "Cool Pope" on Wednesday, endorsing a referendum in Slovakia that would ban same-sex couples from marrying or adopting children.
Pope Flashes Cool as Hell Satanic Gang Sign on Philippines Tour
Cool Pope Francis has been edgy ever since he was named god's representative on Earth, but with a stylishly rebellious hand sign he flashed last week in the Philippines, he broke new ground. What devilish gesture is Francis displaying alongside Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle in the photo above? A gang sign? Satanic heavy…
Cool Pope Francis Keeps It Real About Man's Stewardship of the Earth
Pope Francis, at the end of his week-long tour through Asia, delivered a speech Sunday morning at a Manila university in which he declared that man has a God-given responsibility to protect the environment, The New York Times reports. In shirking that duty we betray God.
Not-So-Cool Pope: "One Cannot Insult Other People's Faith"
Man, I thought you were cool.
Cool Pope Names Diverse New Set of Cardinals from All Over the Globe
Living up to his unofficial reign name, Cool Pope Francis announced 15 new cardinals from all over the world today, including many developing countries like Vietnam, Panama and Cape Verde.
Cool Pope Celebrates Birthday by Buying Homeless People Sleeping Bags
Wednesday was the Cool Pope's 78th birthday. What do you think he did to celebrate? Get a few strippers? Eat a pile of molly? Cry to himself silently over a bottle of Grappa about a life lived unfulfilled? No. He bought homeless Romans 400 sleeping bags.
Cool Pope Just Making Stuff Up About Heaven Now
It is becoming increasingly clear that Cool Pope "Francis" (a nickname)—though he is certainly cool and wacky and generally chill—is just making stuff up as he goes along. Do dogs go to heaven? Sure, why not?
Cool Pope Says Evolution Is Real, God Not a Magician With a Magic Wand
Cool Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, possessor of truly Jadenesque follower count, acknowledged today that evolution and the Big Bang thoery are real, and that God is not "a magician with a magic wand."
