It's just an eccentricity of mine. I beg your indulgence.

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Craig and Jennifer are probably lying on a bed made of solid gold and he's fucking her nice plump cooch with his circumcised cock and then she'll make him tasty fried rice and he'll make her latkes, while you shut-in idiots, that are too cheap, fat and ugly to go out on a weekend night, will still be reciting your tired, lame insults that most imaginative fifth graders discarded a long time ago.

You newer commenters are remarkably fucking stupid: if you're going to insult someone, be creative about it and quit going for the most obvious shot. "Ha ha, you're Asian" or "Ha ha, you cheap Jew" marks you as a useless, neurologically-deficient total n00b. L33t speak, I know. I like, totally went there.

If "She'z a fattie, LOL" and "Dude, that guy is like, ugly!" is the best you can come up with, here are some friendly neighborhood guidelines for making yourselves feel welcome:

1. Quietly, leave your room and go up the stairs of your mom's basement while making sure you don't trip over Pepper, your nice old Lab-Lhasa Apso mix who's the only girl in the world who's willing to offer her body and soul to you.

2.Then, ask your mom's permission to open her fridge and find the fortnight-old Hardee's chicken sandwich that you have been savoring in small portions because extra cholesterol in your diet makes your acne flare up but your self-loathing and extreme personal insecurity makes you vewy vewy sad and then you just can't help buying the darn thing.

3. Here's where it gets cool. You have options!

a. Find said sandwich and break it in two halves. Shove one up your ass and the other down your throat. This will cause you to die and be severely constipated at once. And that will be totally awesome because you won't come here any more and no one else will have to deal with the shit you spew.

b. Or you could do a little preliminary masturbation ritual: you could fantasize about Pepper's Lhaso-Apso ancestry keeping in mind that she's probably the only female of Asian descent who will ever pay you any attention. Then yes, do feel free to break off a portion of that chicken sandwich and shove it really far up your ass until you burp breadcrumbs. All the while, do imagine an enormous blimplike Jewish cock with Google's logo painted on it going in and out, in and out of you and then bash your head repeatedly on your mom's fridge until you pass out and hopefully, like, die.

4. If you follow these instructions, you'll be met in Hell by the ghosts of Walter Sobchak and Bruce Lee who will both proceed to sodomize you while flinging ashes into your eyes from a coffee can and karate-chopping your ass.

5. All the other, vastly intellectually and genetically (of course!) superior Gawker commenters will love this and there will be much rejoicing in the land. Milk and honey will flow. Angels will herald the new dawn and Jesus, another famous and powerful Jew will come down from Heaven and personally, personally organize a wet T-shirt contest between Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox. The winner will be totally horny for a gangbang and the loser will love to make sandwiches and get beers. Also all the good old-time female commenters will get eaten out by Hugh Jackman and get Oscar-shaped golden dildos. The good gay commenters will all take home a cloned version of Hugh Jackman except the clones won't have a gag reflex.

So see all the great stuff that will happen if you die? And since you hate on nerds so much, remember Spock the Ultimate Nerd opined that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. So please do all of us old time commenters a favor and please you know, feel free to kill yourselves.

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That explains all the hyper-defensive fat and nerd jokes.

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She is, however, marrying a Vulcan (yes, he had his ears clipped, but you cannot fool me).

May the marriage live long and prosper!

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