"Gawker," he begins, "I appreciate the fact you ran the story without contacting me for ANY type of validation." We think "I appreciate" might actually mean "I don't appreciate." Ah, witless sarcasm! The #1 rhetorical tool of incensed fourth-graders.

"I will ask you nicely to take down the blog about me (FARQ aready has). I really don't want to get my legal team involved, I prefer to play nice." First, it's called "Fark," and we can't imagine what made them take the link down. Being legal professionals, John, your "legal team" probably already knows this, but just in case you don't? Assuming you're suggesting defamation, a complainant must show that a statement could be found to convey a provable factual proposition. We're thinking that your "legal team" might recognize that they'd have a hard time with "worst person in the world" and "nightmare online dater." Those are just our opinions! Some other people might think, based on your public internet presence and the communications you've chosen to make public via a dating site, that you are the best person in the world, and a model online dater, and that is totally their prerogative. Anyway, we appreciate that you prefer to "play nice."

"If you even care about my side of the story, it is posted on the front of my webpage." Aw, of course we care! We love hearing your side of the story! Unfortunately, it didn't totally change our minds about your douchiness to read, for example, that you had called your Match.com lady a fatty because "Men lie about their height. Women lie about their weight. If a person has nothing but pictures of their head, they are not height/weight proportional. It is a cold reality. I have standards, as we all do."

"The title "worst person in the world" - I think it certainly fits the "crime". Sending a not so nice PERSONAL, PRIVATE email to someone. The end result - that people are trying to ruin my entire life and career is rapidly in progress." Um, but ... didn't you just say in your open letter that the "movies, books, TV shows" offers were rolling in? Confusing!

"I assume this brings you some type of joy. I wish we were as diligent about pedophiles, rapist[sic], murderers and terrrorists - we could clean up the world in a day!" I have no idea what would have given you the impression that cleaning up the world was in any way our goal here.

"By the way, an internet dating 'NIGHTMARE' would include stalking, date rape, murder, etc. Not an unpleasant email exchange!" You're right, John: an email from you is not as bad as stalking, date rape and murder. No argument there!

"Regards,

John Fitzgerald Page
'THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD'
'NIGHTMARE ONLINE DATER'"

Right on! Own it!

We are given to understand (hey, who makes this kind of shit up?) that the following email correspondence took place between John and some lady. "So I winked at this guy on Match. Should have known better considering his screen name was "IvyLeagueAlum." He responds with the following email...

I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?

I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?

What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...

I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?

Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.

Regards,

John
[email redacted]

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Regards,

John

Dear Patients,

I'm sure by now you've heard the horrendous and hurtful allegations which have been leveled against me as reported in the press. Rest assured, these accusations are false and I plan to defend against them vigorously to clear my name and professional reputation. I am disheartened and appalled at the way in which the press and media have been manipulated by a few disgruntled individuals who are attempting to advance their own economic agendas. I am confident that upon the completion of the legal process, I will be able to return to my practice and care for the many patients whose trust and respect I have earned over the years. I appreciate the countless well wishes I have received, and I am eager to return to my practice as soon as possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me.

Fondly,

Brad J. Jacobs