The primary driver of racism in America? Black people like Beyonce, who celebrate thugs who want to divide us. White America does not have a racism problem—just ask these incensed internet commenters.

With 3% of New Hampshire precincts reporting, boot-as-hat wearing crazy sorcerer man Vermin Supreme has 0.2% of the Democratic vote. Martin O’Malley, who ran a modern political campaign, currently has 0.3%.

PLYMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Inside of Donald Trump’s rally on Sunday in northern New Hampshire, the press stayed inside of a tiny prison, where they were safe. Surrounding them: haters.

Life at the world’s largest hedge fund: “In an iPad app called ‘Dot Collector,’ employees weigh in on the direction of conversations while they are happening. Employees also are quizzed about the outcome of meetings. Any meeting of at least three people is expected to hold at least one poll.”

Peggy Noonan—white of skin, fair of hair, pure of heart. An American, a care bear, in the state of New Hampshire, alert. Whot doth Peggy espy approaching nigh? Lo—it is those whose skin is brown. Question them, we shall.

Bill Bratton, the head of the NYPD, presides over an army of 35,000 officers and dictates law enforcement policy for a sprawling metropolis. He is also scared of riding the subway.

Ronald Reagan action figure collector Peggy Noonan has, shall we say, a checkered record of political predictions. Today, she tars one Bernard Sanders with her dastardly Wand of Bad Luck.

“‘As I’m looking for a job, spending this kind of money shocks me,’ Hansen says of her $14,000 annual fitness budget, ‘but it keeps me sane.’” Some people value fitness classes very highly.

Gold, the favored investment of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and the old man at the post office who invited you over to see his industrial-size canned bean supply room, is down for the third straight year.

If listening to the current Republican presidential frontrunners speak is scaring you to death, here is something to make you feel better: there is now a semi-plausible scenario in which the entire party hilariously self-destructs.

Liberty University’s president this week raised some secular eyebrows when he urged his Christian students to start carrying guns. Now there’s a reasonable explanation: haters “lacking knowledge about the true character of God.”

Some very visible bad things have happened. Dozens of people have been shot. Some people are very afraid. They don’t need to be.

Humans invented weapons in part to equalize the physical differences between us. That’s perfectly understandable. But does your weapon have to be a gun? Chill out. Jesus.

John Kasich enjoys a reputation as perhaps the most mainstream and down-to-earth Republican presidential candidate. He will cannily use this reputation to create a new U.S. Government Judeo-Christian Propaganda Agency—with beams.

Ben Carson said yesterday that free college education would cause “the destruction of the nation.” We’re now in the part of the campaign where we just listen to Ben Carson talk until all his poll numbers go down for good.

At a star-studded gala honoring Angelina Jolie last night, Robert DeNiro reportedly got angry at some tech guy for “condescending” to celebrities. Chill out Robert DeNiro.

Otha Anders, 73, of Ruston, Louisiana, recently cashed in 45 years worth of collected pennies, netting himself $5,136.14—meager payment for a lifetime spent being driven slowly insane by the pursuit of pennies.

America is the world’s richest and most powerful country. That’s why our democratic election process is the envy of the lesser, more civilized world.

*******PRECIOUS SILENCE*******

If there is anyone able to understand the vast and ever-changing cultural diversity of this sprawling nation of ours, it is elderly white Reaganite Peggy Noonan, who once met a Mexican. Now, mi amigos, she has met a Dominican as well.