Specifically, a crazy interview that Morgan did on Chicago's WGN back in 2007 will be included in the April 23rd episode of the brilliant sitcom. Not a reenactment even. Just the damn clip itself, in which Morgan calls out Oprah and lies on the news desk, pretending to be a pregnant lady. Can't wait.

He tells the New York Daily News that they have a dialogue where he talks to the 16-year-old (out loud maybe?) and she responds through her various paparazzi photos. So... that's... Um. That's good. He'd also like to marry her, but probably first needs the permission of his FLDS leader and maybe Pa Cyrus, Billy Ray, who, probably, plans to declare prima nocte. So! Everyone's terrifying!

Thanks, Videogum, for the scary story.

Jared Leto? Start practicing your twang.

It's of a young Bale in Steven Spielberg's 1987 epic Empire of the Sun. He's singing to Japanese people. Look at how sweet and innocent he was! What changed? What made him so spoiled and mean in the years since? We may never know. It's a shame. Where has Cowboy Kelly gone?

If his wrath is still too terrifying, here's a techno version of the nasty tirade. Because of the actor's repetitive and effusive use of the word "fuck," it's the perfect audio sample to remix, fuck after fuck looping back forever and ever in house music eternity. Hope it helps.

Yes, the shop's owner Ted Kefalinos decided to make a batch of cookies with bleary red cherry eyes and oversized nose and lips and give them the charming, sunshiney moniker. To, you know, celebrate our new darker-hued President. Adding to the insult, his sales pitch reportedly included vaguely ominous insinuations of assassination. He supposedly said to one customer:

Would you like some drunken negro heads to go with your coffee? They're in honor of our new president. He's following in the same path of Abraham Lincoln; he will get his.

So, shit. A reporter from New York's Fox affiliate went on the scene ("Shame! Shame! Shaaaame!") and met with an unrepentant Kefalinos. He said that the cookies are "not unflattering," adding, "I think it's a fun face... And anyone who says anything else should be ashamed of themselves." Plus, you know, his brother-in-law is Cuban. So he can't be racist.

Terrible. Plus, there's no way they could be as tasty as his previous novelty creation, last week's "Dead Geese Bread."

[via Gothamist, which has the full news clip]

Sister site Jezebel recently debunked some things about the clan, an Arkansas family in which the dad is named Jim Bob and all the girls have long hair and wear long dresses. Oh, plus, heh, everyone is home schooled. Not trying to judge here, but, um, the whole thing is a little too Jesusy and FLDSy for regular TV. The family's website is creepy as hell (read the part about birth control pills), as was their TV appearance this morning in which mom said that the idea of having too many children would be like saying there are too many flowers, the kids nodded glumly when Ann Curry mentioned the parenting time sign-up sheet they use, and then Jim Bob and Michelle lamely tried to plug their show and new book.

We don't understand why TV consistently ignores the glaring fact that these people are nutcases and that raising 18 children seems negligently abusive dismayingly negligent to those kids and that birthing 18 babies (and counting??) is aggressively abusive to one's body. Why are we smiling and nodding—and tacitly encouraging these people to procreate more—when we should be calling some sort of authority, or at the very least running scared for the hills?

Plus, they just ruin TLC's otherwise-feel-good family block of the remarkable Little People, Big World and the cloying but cute Jon & Kate Plus 8. So there.

Most psychiatrists seem to the think that, in the case of Truman Syndrome, the fear generated by reality television—that the people of the world has gone mad for documenting each other's mundane existences, invading privacy at any cost—is simply a new trope for people who were already paranoid and delusional to grab onto. There is an air of Fear of Persecution, a good ol' crazypants standby, in the idea that cameras are documenting your every move. It's a lie, it's sinister. Everything else is fake! No one is real but me! Lonely and desperate imaginings. It must be how Lauren Conrad's dog feels. So yes the fear was always there, it's just taken on new themes. A psychiatrist at NYU tells the paper:

Most likely these people would be delusional anyway. But the more radical view is that this pushes some people over the threshold; the environment tips them over the edge. And if culture can make people crazy, then we need to look at it.

Well, right. I mean the Truman Show delusion is pretty nuts, but not that nuts. Why must that fear be relegated solely to the realm of the psychotic? Is every be-halter topped young lady bellowing and sloshing her drink around, whoop!-ing at Off the Wagon as if she were on The Real World, some sort of mental invalid? Well, maybe, but not necessarily crazy! If all behavior is learned from somewhere, it's certainly possible that our youngs are learning from reality television. They may be operating under some soft delusion that if they're not already there doing so, a camera crew could pop out and film them at any moment.

And as for the other two, well... I just don't find it that irrational to be afraid of environmental catastrophe or the Internet. I mean, you could be some tinfoil hat-wearing nutterbutter who skulks around his apartment in a soiled bathrobe listening to Mozart at full-blast, occasionally darting his hands at the computer keyboard, conversing with another bathrobe-clad insane in Missoula. And that, yes, would be crazy. But the internet does open a strange side door into one's life that is easily crept through by some wicked people. It is perfectly rational to be aware of that slice-of-modern-life fact. And the environment? Well let's just say take your unborn great-grandchildren to New York City for a visit now. Because it's not going to be around when they're breathing and blinking and in the world if we continue on this Icarusian course.

Or, you know, maybe I'm just crazy.

[via Adfreak]

Stephen Witt, a reporter from the New York Post-owned Courier-Life chain, seized the microphone to try his hand at stand-up comedy during the delay.

“What do you know about Brooklyn 99-cent stores?” asked Witt, who last made headlines for hugging Atlantic Yards developer Bruce Ratner at a 2006 rally. “Have you ever been so broke that you had to put something on lay-away at a 99-cent store?”

Witt’s quip was met with boos...

“It was just awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for him,” said one woman, who said she saw Witt consuming alcohol before his artistic contribution to the evening.

And look, there's a clip!

[Brooklyn Paper]

From Leslie White, Tacoma, Washington:

Of all the animals you could have chosen for the cover story about animal minds, you chose a dog. Why not a dolphin, ape, or raven? Dogs are so overdone—and they're also destructive and noisy.

From Ed Healy, San Francisco, California:

Last year I stayed in a place in Mongolia where two lambs were tied up near a stairway. One looked at me with an expression I can only describe as abject terror...Did these lambs know they were going to be killed? Judging by the looks they gave me, I would have to say they did.

From Joyce Weiss, Wynnewood, Pennsylvania:

I swear my golden retriever Chaucer said "hi" to me one morning. I had no witnesses but didn't need any. When a dog looks at you with love in its eyes and whispers, "Hi," it is the sweetest sound imaginable. I've never doubted that animals have more intelligence than some people. Once animals learn to use the computer, we will all be convinced.

Yes.

"You know how uncomfortable that makes somebody feel, especially somebody who's going through chemo? Stupid ass bitch."

[via ConcreteLoop]

See how it feels to write down, "I want to direct." Or write down, "I want to act." See how that feels. Make pictures of what you want to do. Make collages to stimulate the primary process thinking that is the creative mode.

Collages are fun.

Meditate for five minutes and notice how quickly the time goes. Narrow down. Narrow down and make a plan. Think about a year. Think about how so many corny things are true. Think about how you are not 22. Ready yourself for sacrifice.

I know I'm not 22. But Cary, do you know whereof you speak?

I am a child of Florida's warm, wet indolence, the intoxicating rot and the rough, beefy unculturedness. I am a child of that. I know how it is to hate Florida and feel better than Florida and want to live in places like California.

Final words of wisdom?

So be with the ones who know you well. Be with the ones who see your bullshit. Work it out where you're from. Work it out, whatever it is; work it out where you're from.

You have this thing you have to do. It has something to do with film. You don't know precisely what, yet. But figure it out and then if you have to go to L.A. to do it go to L.A. But figure it out first.

Thanks!

[Salon]

Christian Group Denounces Starbucks

Over New Logo of Naked Mermaid

(San Diego, CA) Starbucks has recently introduced a new version of their logo which features a topless mermaid with her legs spread, which has caused outrage from a nation wide Christian media watchdog organization. The Resistance, with has over 3000 members nationwide, is boycotting Starbucks across the country saying their new logo is inappropriate.

The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute, explains Mark Dice, founder of the group. Need I say more? It's extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves, Slutbucks.

The all-brown logo is a replica of the one the chain used when it opened its first store in Pike Place in Seattle in 1971. The woman is actually a siren, not a mermaid, which in Greek mythology lures people to them with their beautiful songs, and then kills them, explains Dice.

The Resistance has made international news for rebuking various Hollywood celebrities for their ridiculous behavior, including Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, 50 Cent, Tom Cruise and others. They also demanded that Duke University change the name of their Blue Devils sports team to something not offensive to the Christian community.

# # #

[What about asking them for some lemons while you're at it, Resistance?]

Our theory, for what it's worth, is that these tales are just remnants of an old song and dance. Cruise was basically discovered, or at least developed, by David Geffen, a known and powerful gay. Wouldn't you, a 20-something year-old, cute young actor maybe play up the gay a bit, if it could land you a star-making movie like Risky Business? Now many years and great successes later, those early desperate days keep coming back to haunt him. It'd be like if someone was constantly telling potential friends and lovers stories about when you were in high school, when you were needy and would do anything to be in a clique. Except, you know, Tom is a gigantic crazy person with an army of angry lawyers and you're, well, just you.