Gawker: Crime & Punishment

Smurfs Champion Smurfily Arrested For Very Un-Smurfy Behavior

Richard — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 14:23:00 EDT

Like some sort of real-life Gargamel (a single, balding man who lived alone with his cat), Stuart Ross, who brought the extremely gay cartoon show The Smurfs to these American shores, has been arrested for extortion. He was trying to bilk his son-in-law out of millions of dollars, threatening to ruin his reputation with some questionable emails or something. Then he cackled and scarfed down some Smurf berries and desperately tried to work up the courage to ask Vanity Smurf—or, you know, that guy Donald who's a piano teacher and has kind eyes that lives down the hall—out on a date.

Person Who Stole Devorah Rose's Camera Can Run, But They Can't Hide

Richard — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:42:00 EDT

Ruh roh. Devorah Rose, Social Life magazine person (and friend of totes essential heiress and blogger Emily Brill), has been robbed. Someone has purloined her digital camera, which contained many important photos. If you are the nefarious crook, don't even think about posting them online because Devi will know who you are and she will fuck your shit the fuck up. "This isn't a game. But if you want to play, I am going to win," she warns in the most ominous way possible, via a Facebook status update. The intimidation continues with a shot of her bikini clad self mashing up against some other young chippy. So take heed, wicked camburglar, don't be puttin' her stuff up on tumblr or she'll Flickr you in the head. Click for larger Sapphic Facebook screenshot. Update: A tipster tells us "FYI: No one actually stole her camera. Its a desperate attempt at an 'interesting' plot development of her upcoming reality show. And you just played into it with that posting..." Oh snap! We've been had! Devorah, u stole mah fotobucket.

Slick Rick Gets Full Pardon, Won't Bother Nobody

ian spiegelman — Sat, 24 May 2008 10:14:03 EDT

Congratulations, rap pioneer Ricky "Slick Rick" Walters! You won't have to spend the summer on one of those sad, gray half-assed "beaches" of your native England, because the Governor of New York has granted you a full, unconditional pardon for your 1991 attempted murder conviction! "Walters, 43, has been under threat of being sent back to his native United Kingdom, although he has lived in the United States since he was a child. In a statement, he expressed gratitude to Paterson and his lawyers, and hoped that he could finally put the turmoil behind him. 'This has been a long and difficult road and I am happy for this to be settled once and for all," Walters said. "I look forward to enjoying this time with my family and friends and to continue leading an honest and productive life.'"

"The eye patch-wearing star behind '80s rap classics like 'La-Di-Da-Di' and 'Children's Story' was a successful rapper when he was convicted of shooting his cousin and another man in 1991. Both survived.

"'Mr. Walters has fully served the sentence imposed upon him for his convictions, had an exemplary disciplinary record while in prison and on parole, and has been living without incident in the community for more than 10 years,' [Governor] Paterson said. 'I urge federal immigration officials to once again grant Mr. Walters relief from deportation, so that he is not separated from his many family members who are United States citizens, including his two teenage children.'" [AP]

After Stealing a Fur Coat, Lindsay Lohan Is Rewarded With Another One

Richard — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:25:00 EDT

Oh, don't worry. Lindsay Lohan always learns her lesson. After she purloined an $11,000 fur coat from a Russian model and was eventually sued (for six figures) for the outrage, a rival of the trendy 1Oak club where the whole kerfuffle went down has offered to pay a settlement on LiLo's behalf and buy her an $11,000 coat. John Englebert, owner of the clubs Prime and Suzie Wong, made a statement through his publicist saying that he'd like to extend a kind hand to Lindsay as a balm for all her recent ills. Obviously this is a PR stunt, but it's also yet another weary indictment of a culture that gives free shit to the people who need it least. The American caste system is alive and well, at least here in the Windy Apple! Of course she hasn't, you know, accepted the offer (yet?), but still. Full publicist missive, from GroundReport, after the jump.

"NEW YORK, NY - NYC Nightclub owner John "JE" Englebert of Prime nightclub and Suzie Wong Saki lounge is making an offer to Lindsay Lohan that she can't refuse. After feeling bad about the stolen mink coat scandal in a neighboring Manhattan nightclub, JE is offering Lindsay a new $11,000.00 blond mink coat and to settle the model's lawsuit against her.
Lindsay has always been a fixture and a party girl in his establishments and does not want her to catch a cold in this frigid start to the summer.

According to Mr. Englebert, "I know what it's like to have mistaken identity. Many times people take the wrong coat thinking that it's theirs at my nightclubs. I am offering to take Lindsay on a mink shopping spree with me, to have the coat of her choice. My motto has always been, "If the coat fits, buy it."

Marc Jacobs Employee Steals Himself a Raise

Richard — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:01:00 EDT

Someone has robbed Marc Jacobs! No, not of his heart. (Though the fashion designer's former fiancé Jason Preston is newly listed as "In a relationship" on the Facebook. Might this still make Marc sad?) Marc Jacobs has been robbed of precious, precious money. And lots of it. A 24-year-old Kansan named Kyle Avila (who, update!, posed naked for Marc Jacobs t-shirts!) was arrested at his apartment on 28th street for stealing $65,000 from the Marc by Marc Jacobs accessory store in the West Village, where he was a manager. Gay (we can assume) on gay crime! Avila was caught by another manager who noticed money was missing while looking through receipts. He confronted the larcenist and gave him until Sunday to return the money.

Of course, because most 24-year-old shop clerks don't have sixty-five grand just lying around, Avila never showed up with the money. So the other manager called the fuzz and the arrest was made. Such a pity that a young Kansan's dreams of the big city were so quickly dashed. Maybe he just couldn't afford his Manhattan lifestyle and was too proud to move to one of the boroughs? Or maybe he (justly) felt that Marc's prices were too high and was performing a bit of selfish Robin Hood-ing? We may never know, and Avila has been charged with grand larceny, meaning he could be looking at the low double digits as a sentence (though doubtful) if convicted. Crime doesn't pay! And neither does Marc Jacobs. Well, not enough, apparently.

Crime of Fashion [NYP]