When "old" New Yorkers remember this city before it was "cleaned up," a nighttime subway ride's often recalled as a Warriors-esque life-threatening transit option. Now it's so safe, people can't even stretch out.

Former New York State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno was convicted on two of the eight felony corruption charges he was facing. So this is precedent to press charges against everyone in Albany.

Face-slashing asshole-of-the-year candidate and New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate will not go to jail for the face-slashing (or for the asshole-of-the-year thing).

Michael Jackson's personal doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, is going to be arrested for manslaughter, possibly as early as next week. His personal dermatologist (and possible babydaddy), Dr. Arnold Klein, is also going down. Cable news is already licking its lips.

The huuuuuge Fortune story on Bernie Madoff asserts something that should seem obvious: maybe some investors knew there was something fishy going on! Also, Bernie is nuts. He dropped trou in the office!

The 18 NYU kids who occupied the Kimmel center got their just desserts: one week suspensions for all!

Boy George, the fey and once fancy-free 80's pop idol, has been found guilty of false imprisonment in the UK. The situation was peculiar: he handcuffed a 29-year-old HIV-positive Norwegian rent boy named Audun Carlsen to a wall at his London flat, supposedly because Carlsen fucked up George's computer while trying to…

Like some sort of real-life Gargamel (a single, balding man who lived alone with his cat), Stuart Ross, who brought the extremely gay cartoon show The Smurfs to these American shores, has been arrested for extortion. He was trying to bilk his son-in-law out of millions of dollars, threatening to ruin his reputation…

Ruh roh. Devorah Rose, Social Life magazine person (and friend of totes essential heiress and blogger Emily Brill), has been robbed. Someone has purloined her digital camera, which contained many important photos. If you are the nefarious crook, don't even think about posting them online because Devi will know who you…

Congratulations, rap pioneer Ricky "Slick Rick" Walters! You won't have to spend the summer on one of those sad, gray half-assed "beaches" of your native England, because the Governor of New York has granted you a full, unconditional pardon for your 1991 attempted murder conviction! "Walters, 43, has been under threat…

Oh, don't worry. Lindsay Lohan always learns her lesson. After she purloined an $11,000 fur coat from a Russian model and was eventually sued (for six figures) for the outrage, a rival of the trendy 1Oak club where the whole kerfuffle went down has offered to pay a settlement on LiLo's behalf and buy her an $11,000…

Someone has robbed Marc Jacobs! No, not of his heart. (Though the fashion designer's former fiancé Jason Preston is newly listed as "In a relationship" on the Facebook. Might this still make Marc sad?) Marc Jacobs has been robbed of precious, precious money. And lots of it. A 24-year-old Kansan named Kyle Avila (who, …