Karen Hughes "came to Washington with President George W. Bush as his communications director," but more recently she's famous for being a disastrous failure at the State Department, where she was assigned to manage a huge brand in the midst of a terrible crisis: the United States of America!

Hughes was named the "Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs," which means that basically her job was to make Muslim nations love the US of A. She was sort of a spectacular failure, as she doesn't understand really anything about the Islamic world and is really much better at manhandling American journalists than, uh, diplomacy. She made a video with Cal Ripken, Jr. once though!

Now, years later, everyone hates America more every day, and Hillary Clinton's public image is an even sadder and more vicious caricature of female ambition than it was in 1992, so hey, hire Mark Penn and Karen Hughes to make America love your dolphin-raping corporation again.

The hiring of Sitrick proved that the Hiltons are taking this latest crisis involving Paris very seriously indeed. It's a problem that clearly could not be managed by Paris's longtime spokesman, Elliot Mintz, who is "more of a PR footman," snipes one entertainment journalist. (He was also not long ago off the job for a while, if the tabloids can be believed.) "It's not like Mintz really has a strategy or anything." Others expressed surprise that Sitrick was taking on Hilton as a client: "He usually works with people like Ron Burkle, not Paris Hilton," said one magazine journalist.

So just who is Mike Sitrick, whose fees are reportedly up to $700 per hour? And why did the Hiltons turn to him? Well, he's a PR pit bull, and even Howard Rubinstein gives him respect—though he seems to regard him warily. He's a master of spin (he wrote a well-regarded PR book in 1998, Spin: How to Turn the Power of the Press to Your Advantage). And he's known as someone who will stop at nothing to turn public opinion in his clients' favor.

Sitrick's Los Angeles-based "strategic communications" firm Sitrick & Company are known in the business and entertainment communities as the place to turn in the face of a potentially huge public relations disaster. Billionaire businessman Burkle is indeed a longtime client of his—Sitrick orchestrated the sting of Jared Paul Stern last year, then defended Burkle in the press when the whole thing threatened to blow up in his face—but his client list is staggeringly wide-ranging. He currently represents fired Wal-Mart marketer Julie Roehm. Atoosa Rubenstein hired him in October 2006 when items about departing staffers at Seventeen started appearing in Page Six. He represented Naomi Campbell when she was accused of assaulting her former housekeeper. He was retained by the law firm that represented the Archdiocese of Los Angeles when it was embroiled in the pedophile priest scandal. He helped Halle Berry when she was accused of a hit-and-run, and he was retained by Rush Limbaugh during his prescription pill addiction scandal. He's also represented people whose interests seem to be at odds; Ron Burkle sued former Disney chief Michael Ovitz over Internet ventures they were both involved in, but Sitrick reps both of them (and managed to get sympathetic coverage for both of them in the heat of the Anthony Pellicano scandal). Another longtime client of Sitrick's is Roy Disney, who, of course, has been at odds with Ovitz for several years.

His methods are aggressive and strategic. He uses what he calls "truth squads" to monitor the media (including blogs) to ferret out inaccuracies about his clients and "wheel-of-pain" tactics against his client's foes—a campaign of negative publicity intended to spur a quick settlement. Of course, to be effective, Sitrick employs a veritable public relations army. He's known for luring well-connected former journalists (presumably for a massive raise). Two of his more high-profile hires in the last couple years were Wall Street Journal reporter John Lippman, who wrote a weekly Hollywood column and had covered the TV business for the paper, and Los Angeles Times senior editor Mark Saylor. He's also fond of hiring corporate executives and lawyers.

So it's perhaps no surprise that the Hiltons hired Sitrick—Paris could certainly use some PR help. But the mere act of hiring Sitrick sends a strong signal that the Hiltons are spooked by the way Paris's sentencing and jail term were woefully mismanaged from a PR standpoint. The family lost control of the story in a major way, and the only way to start to try to fix it is with a big gun. Already it seems to be working—Hilton will go on Larry King Wednesday night after her release, and, so they say, won't be paid for her appearance—which seems to have given her just the tiniest bit of legitimacy back.

[Image via]

This week Page Six has been riddled with horrendous anecdotes about Dina Lohan bombing as a red-carpet interviewer for "Entertainment Tonight" at the premiere of her daughter's new movie Georgia Rule. A lot of people are questioning why she is even there. So am I. But, unlike those naysayers, I am 100% certain Dina has talent. Possibly too much talent for one career. And this is a plus!

If I were in charge of her career, I'd yank her off the red carpet, and (temporarily) out of the public eye immediately. And we'd kill this kinda shit ASAP, while gearing up for a multi-pronged entertainment attack. No longer would she grovel for "ET"'s cut-rate limelight. No more journeys to visit her firstborn, Hoovertron-2000, in faux-hab. No more leggy, confessional Harper's Bazaar features. We'd forgo the real-life "drama" and play to Dina's strengths as a legitimate three-tool star.

Step 1) Get daughters Ali and Lindsay a real manager. Quietly put her son up for adoption. Dina will focus strictly on her craft(s). In her rare public appearances, she will be seen on the arm of Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Is he married? Whatever.

Step 2) Get her into a Lifetime Movie. If Yasmeen Bleeth and Meredith Baxter-Birney can do it, DEENS totally can, too. I know what you're thinking, "Right, get her to play some floozy mom, with an out-of-control daughter and a rampaging drunken Irish husband who is often confused for Danny Pelosi. Bo-ring." But that is not the direction I would advocate. I'd land Dina a small role as a female deputy, or a mousy secretary, or mildly depressed watercolor-artist who sees something she shouldn't. Very Donna Hanover. Maybe as a concerned (whistle-blowing) neighbor, living next door to an abusive father. People (and critics) would say, "Was that Dina Lohan? Weird." And that is precisely the reaction we'd be looking for. Or maybe, on the cop thing, she'd be some amalgamation of both Cagney & Lacey, immune to love, until a childhood sweetheart moved back to town to grow organic squash.

The film's setting would be somewhere rustic. Mountains. Pine trees. Washington State maybe. Dina in jeans and lot of flannels. Her overt sexuality would take a backseat to her acting.

Step 3) We'd get her a tiny bit part thing in a Woody Allen movie, playing herself. Flashy white dress. Tan (you know she was a Rockette) legs. 100,000 watt smile. Limousine. Etc. On the heels of her understated Lifetime Original Movie, this is the kind of curveball that would make people say "Wait a minute, I just saw this bitch in a really understated thing on Lifetime and now she's back glamming it up? WTF?" Then they'd blog about it. Everywhere. Good. Bad. Doesn't matter.

Step 4) Now, you want to see her gabbing on "The View," right? Sorry. She's going on "The Colbert Report"! Mano-a-mano with Stephen, mocking, slightly, her former partying lifestyle, in a fake "legalize-drugs" rant. Or fighting for the rights of paparazzi. Poking fun at herself. Somewhere around this time she's spotted at lunch with Alan Greenspan.

Step 5) Release an iTunes-only single. A duet. With Steve Perry, late of Journey. He needs to re-establish himself too. Let's figure something like "Open Arms '08." Kids would be all, who's that big-nosed creep with Dina? Adult heshers from Long Island (remember, if everything else goes to shit, this is our core) who were put off by Woody Allen and Colbert from would be like, "Yesssss!" If Steve Perry is unavailable or unwilling, we'd recruit Bryan Adams (he probably owes her a favor) or Michael Bolton, though I do not want to go there. I'd even maybe go for Huey Lewis.

If none of that can be done, Plan B would be to get her writhing around on the hood of a car ala Tawny Kitaen in the Whitesnake video for "Here I Go Again." Only this time it is a spoof. Who's singing it? Ricky Gervais. In wig.

Step 6) She's spotted at several intimate dinners with Dave Navarro. Or Lenny Kravitz. Slightly younger, sexual, but not totally threatening.

Step 7) Which leads to... a reality series on CBS, "Become the Next Rockette." Hosted by Mario Lopez (he'll totally fall for her) and Brooke Burke, but Dina regularly appears as the woman who has been in the trenches. Seasoned pundit. Judge? Enforcer? Bitch? Not sure. She and I will concept the show together, and she will later be seen on the arm of Ron Burkle, Ron Pearlman, or Ron Howard.

Step 8) Shortly thereafter, she's spotted with Jaime Spears. Britney's dad. In Sydney, Australia, where we've struck a deal for a luxury canned wine cooler that gives you energy.

Step 9) The DINA-sty. Taped for Showtime, this features all of the Lohan women, dancing and entertaining. And doing a sort of Carol Burnett Show kinda thing.

Step 10) Around this time she appears at Elton John's birthday with Hans Blix, or David Hasselhoff (think of them as a slightly older Pam and Tommy?).

Step 11) Back to making music. She does little unannounced shows at clubs like Lit (still around?) in NYC with her Hole tribute band. She is, of course, the Courtney Love figure.

Step 12) She reunites with ex-hubby Michael (whom I'd also be managing simultaneously) on "Oprah." At the end of the show, Oprah will announce that Dina will be hosting the program from then on.

From: Albrecht, Chris (HBO)

Sent: Tuesday, May 8, 2007 3:40 PM

To: *HBO All (HBO)

Subject: Message to HBO Colleagues and Friends

My colleagues and friends:

I am deeply sorry for what occurred in Las Vegas this weekend and for any embarrassment it caused my family, the company I love, and myself.

While I am not at liberty to discuss the incident as the district attorney and my lawyer are still determining the facts, it is my hope to do so in the near future.

This weekend was a wake-up call to me of a weakness I thought I had overcome long ago. I had been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous for thirteen years. Two years ago, I decided that I could handle drinking again. Clearly, I was wrong. Given that truth, I have committed myself to sobriety. I intend to take a temporary leave of absence from HBO effective today, in order to go back to working with AA.

Leading this company is a great privilege and I pray that I can continue to do so in a manner that brings honor and pride to this remarkable organization and its remarkable people. Thank you for your understanding during these difficult hours, I will not let you down again.

Chris