One Gigantic Moment of WTF on Dancing with the Stars
While recapping last nights Dancing With the Stars finale, the sound abruptly cut out and cut to a shot of the back of Miss Piggy's head. A flustered Tom Bergeron cut to commercial. This clip has not been edited.

Sesame Street Slander of Fox News Will Not Go Unpunished
Fox News is so cute when it tries to be funny. Bill O'Reilly, not to be insulted or outdone by Sesame Street, brings out his own puppet: Spill O'Reilly. Hey, that rhymes with Bill! Clever!

Anthony Bourdain Is Here to Help You Avoid Completely Ruining Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a day for being with family, giving thanks, and-ohmygod, you burned the freaking turkey, didn't you. DIDN'T YOU! Please step away from the canned cranberry sauce and let Anthony Bourdain be your Thanksgiving guide.

Roving Gang of Wild Turkeys Steal Little Boy's Bicycle
Parents have enough to worry about these days. Add roving gangs of hostile turkeys stealing children's bicycles to that list.

2009: The Year the Flash Mob Became Played Out
Okay, we get it already. Anyone can get a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual action for a brief time, then quickly disperse. It seems like everyone is getting in on the this new form of viral marketing from comedy troupes to PR firms and even the Today Show.

In a deeply troubling, highly humorous article in The Wall Street Journal, Amy Chozick reveals that airbrush spray tan technicians have the most suddenly sought-after—and intensely surreal—jobs in Hollywood:

For years television makeup artists used full-body foundation to help make actors glow on the small screen. High-definition TV and the explosion of dance shows made it even more important to hide every flaw. The temporary foundation caked up, rubbed off on costumes and doesn't work on physically demanding and sweaty dance programs.

The concept is a bit like those trompe l'oeil t-shirts of sexy bikini ladies that fat people wear to pretend they are hot. Except instead of a t-shirt, it's stinky chemicals that force your skin to produce unnatural quantities of melanin, so as to allow television producers to literally paint over the features they don't like, so that you may be both puppet and puppeteer to the tawnier, tonier version of you.

Now here is a sentence that will give you nightmares:

"They said if I wanted to open my shirt for the finale, they could paint a six pack on me," Mr. DeLay said, from his cellphone as he drove an RV from Sugar Land, Texas, to Los Angeles for the [Dancing With the Stars] finale, at which eliminated contestants will appear one last time.

This one will give you nightmares, too, but for different reasons:

On Dancing With the Stars, in season six in 2008, Miami Dolphins linebacker Jason Taylor, who is African-American, had to get a spray tan because his Polish dance partner, Edyta Sliwinska, had over-tanned and was darker than Mr. Taylor, says Mr. Green, the producer. A spokesman for Mr. Taylor says his client didn't get spray-tanned.

[WSJ]

The music was Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Around (Like a Record)." Donny wears mutton chops and fuchsia lipstick all over his face and a pair of high-waisted track pants with racing stripes made of yellow reflective tape. He falls onto his knees and brandishes a shiny silver cape before a wind machine that (do my eyes deceive me?) doubles as a fog machine. And then, out of nowhere, LaToya Jackson (or is that Rebbie?) appears! She is clapping. Donny earns 8's for his performance. The beautiful apparition disappears; commercials roll; was it all a dream?

Haha no that is just a joke about the last time he quit something, back when we all hoped he'd got to jail. No, former House Majority leader Tom DeLay is quitting the TV dancing show because he hurt his widdle foots.

Delay's partner, Cheryl Burke, said she urged Delay not to dance on Monday, but he would not be stopped.

Yes, well, right. Weirdly, DeLay insisted that he dance on "Latin Night." (BUILD A WALL!)

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

His nickname was literally "The Hammer." He was a thuggish, corrupt former exterminator who ran the House of Representatives like it was an organized crime family.. He loved wars and tax cutting and gerrymandering and fucking over opponents. He is Maureen Dowd's dream man.

But there he is prancing like a pretty pony on television's Dancing With the Stars!

The Hammer, who in rehearsal admitted to feeling like "a complete goose" - and not simply because he had his golf shirt tucked into his sweat pants - is clinging to his Texas machismo even as he follows Cheryl's instruction to find his "feminine side."

"I'm being more feminine and a little prissy," he said, using a word that smacks of über-alpha "I am not gay even though I have on heels and sparkles and want a disco-ball trophy" overcompensation.

Look how torn she is! His sad protestations in defense of his threatened masculinity must be mocked, but we must admire his use of the "uber-alpha" word "prissy," which is the sort of word someone like Maureen Dowd might use to describe someone like John Edwards.

Well, let's just make fun of his stupid girly clothes one more time (also he winked at a gay!) and then finish up with some meaningless "wacky op-ed about an unexpected situation" boilerplate.

Once the Hammer tried to outfox Democrats. Now he's trying to outfox-trot Donny Osmond. Once he whipped Republicans relentlessly to keep their votes in line. Now he says he and his daughter have "a strategy to whip the vote" on "Dancing."

Once the Hammer accepted a million dollars from Russian oil executives in exchange for a vote. Now he accepts compliments from an effeminate British judge in exchange for many votes. Once he blamed the Columbine massacre on the teaching of evolution. Now he blames his poor dancing ability on the fact that he hurt his foot. Once he violated Texas law by funneling corporate money to state legislative races via the RNC. Now he is a sad old man on TV instead of in jail forever.

Maureen Dowd finished this column after furiously voting for DeLay literally thousands of times.

• Someone claims to have walked in on the ever-messy Courtney Love tinkling at the Standard and says she went crazy, which makes sense for many, many reason. [Page Six]
  
  
• But, of course, Love denies the so-called pee encounter ever happened. She twittered, "page6 said this guy walked in on me as i was peeing no i wasnt ( i i was itd be the same) he was a crasher and he laughed and pointed." A brave man, he was... [Twitter]
  
  
• Mischa Barton shows up to work "bleary" and demands instant coffee, into which she then stares, mumbling about how she needs coffee. Sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, that Harvey Weinstein's such a joker: he described NY Post media writer Peter Lauria as "the inspiration for Inglorious Basterds." "We were thinking who were the bastards that we know, and he was the No. 1 bastard." Does that mean the paper's run by a bunch of Nazis? [Page Six]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff got so rip-roaring drunk yesterday that someone had to call 911 after getting a frantic call from his worried daughter. [TMZ]
  
  
• OMG! Is Samantha getting married in the new Sex and the City?! [3am]
  
  
• Uh-oh! Puff Daddy, or whatever his name is, may leave Warner Brothers for Interscope once his contract's up in April. What will be of WB-based label Bad Boy?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New Jersey "star" Danielle Straub tried to talk to Martha Stewart at an event last week, bUt Stewart ignored her. Ha! [MSNBC]
  
  
• Dancing with the Stars' former golden couple, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff looked happy on the Emmy stage, but were fighting and bickering back stage. Don't be fooled by appearances: they hate one another. [E!]
  
  
• Jack Tweed, the widower of British reality star-turned-cancer patient Jade Goody, appears in court today to face allegations that he raped a woman. [3am]
  
  
• Halle Berry is not with child. But is with toga dress. [Daily Mail]

At least that's something to liven up the long, tedious awards show that is like the Oscars, but with more categories, worse dresses, and Tony Shalhoub in the audience. We predict that Harris is going to do a lovely job, just like he did earlier this year at the Tonys. Then they will ask him to co-host the Oscars with Hugh Jackman and it will be the biggest gay event since Judy Garland dueted with Barbra Streisand. He has said that he may sing and do some magic tricks but he will not be drinking or dancing.

The later he is going to leave to a bunch of the pros from reality shows like Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. SYTYCD's hip-hop duo Napolean and Tabitha D'umo are choreographing a number that uses talent from all over the tube, including Stars hoofers Karina Smirnoff and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, seen here rehearsing for the show.

Producers aren't only relying on Harris and a dog and pony show to get things rolling. The Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes says that winners are being encouraged to make more heart-felt exciting "You like me, you really like me" speeches. Those thanking their driver's personal assistant will be cut off, but those getting all Sally Field will be allowed to ramble on. No word yet on whether or not stars will be allowed to rush the stage to try to take the award for Beyoncé.

As for those actual winners, it looks like it's going to be a repeat for critical darlings 30 Rock and Mad Men and HBO will win all the movie categories just like it does every year. At least this year the camptastic Grey Gardens will be doing the mopping up. It would be great for Drew Barrymore to win. She really acted in this movie, and then if she goes on stage we can make fun of her bad dye job on Monday morning. That's almost as good as another swan dress.

Here are the rest of the nominees in the categories you care about. The actor's races could go any way, but will the world stop spinning if Mariska Hargitay beats Kyra Sedgwick? No. But it might if Charlie Sheen manages to pull out a win.

We'll be hoping for a few underdogs to pull of some upsets while live blogging the whole telecast on Sunday evening. Tune your sets to CBS and join us on the big night. Then all the witty things you have to say about how horrible The Mentalist is will be heard by more than just your coffee table.

In the future, meaning later this afternoon, the state will immediately all criminals and public enemies grant starring roles on prime time television shows. Look forward soon to Charles Manson's season on Top Chef and Bernie Madoff's Rock of Love.

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

• Jon Gosselin isn't an absentee father, you guys! No! He's doing what any good dad of eight would do, and hitting up Foxwoods Casino to try to bring eight babies home the bacon. 2:1 odds on him sucking at life like this for a while to come. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson, like Parker Lewis, can't lose. Or so goes the "rumor" being purported on Showbiz Spy: the guy just doesn't fuck up, and also, he keeps Kristen Stewart ridiculously happy and less crazy-brooding these days. Which is great! Until they breakup, at which point, all hell will break lose, speaking of bloodsucking. That's going to be the gossip headline for weeks, sigh, and yes: we will comply. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And speaking of hell breaking loose: Twilight's Emo Vampire Deity Stephenie Meyer, publishing's version of a golden goose shitting out wonderful large, golden, bloodsucking teenage sexuality inspiring (or repressing) eggs, while the rest of the publishers and agents sit around being like DADDEH I WANT A GOLDEN GOOSE, is getting sued by someone claiming she stole a bunch of ideas from a novel posted online, and put them in a Twilight book. Oh noez! Maybe Meyer will sick a bunch of dreamy teenage vampires on her. Seriously. Just send Robert "The Closer" Pattinson over there to work this one out. He can't lose. [NYDN]
  
  
• R & B songstress Mya, then. R & B songstress Mya, circa 2009: going on Dancing With The Stars, wants to go to space. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's a picture of someone holding a fan up to Jennifer Aniston's face. It is as hynotizing and pleasing as it sounds. [WWTDD]
  
  
• The Possibly Penis-Concealing Lady Gaga went blah blah again, this time, talking about how she wants to do every member of Take That! at the same time, which, she correctly counts, would be a fivesome. On that note, Robbie Williams has more talent in one testicle than Lady Gaga's most brilliant output thus far, whatever that is. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Is the not-penis-concealing Penelope Cruz preggers with the probably-penis-having Javier Bardem's child? Probably! [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. Roger Avery - writer-director of Killing Zoe, the Rules of Attraction film adaptation, and a credited writer on a little film called Pulp Fiction - plead guilty to manslaughter for the fatal DWI accident last January in Ojai that injured his wife and killed a friend visiting from Italy. He'll be sentenced next month. [NYDN]
  
  
• Billy Bush - yes, that one - is pushing press line of wanting another Carrie Prejean Incident to take place at the upcoming Miss Universe pageant. Billy wants to capitalize on lifelong beauty queens finally getting to speak their minds on camera and then making ridiculous noises about "opposite marriage" on live TV. He might be onto something: there could be money to be extracted from the subset of people who experience life the way one would in a Dr. Suess novel, sans whimsy. Really, I'm more the Caitlin Upton type because I personally believe that beauty queens are allowed to be entitled to things such as, maps, which are of the topographical nature, because, there are other U.S. Americans, such as the President, who have ways to tell time, and in Iraq, and Antartica, there are penguins, and they know where Panama Beach is, and we all should, too. Thank you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere is dating Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who Lindsay Lohan once blew by a pool. Ewwww. Anyway, Page Six had to squeeze in a 'Pink Taco' reference, because that's how they roll. We will comply. [Page Six]
  
  
• What does American Idol star Adam Lambert do when someone throws a dildo at him on stage? He does what any other warm-blooded American Idol would do! He...kicks it back at the audience? Schwah? You know how sometimes you hear the term "results may vary" but you generally ignore it because as far as you're concerned the results do not ever really vary? This is one of those times when they do. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Huzzah. Freaky-thumbed walking slutty Halloween costume Meagan Fox will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I think they should bring back Mr. Peepers and have her play him. Just saying. [Showbiz Spy]

While making the "stars" portion of the program work would seem to require that viewers be at least slightly familiar with the careers of the contestants, your ABC News presenters have oddly failed to mention DeLay's indictment for violations of campaign finance laws that forced him to resign as House Majority leader, and then go to court to have his name removed from the ballot.

The anchor does make some vaguely political joke about a House Whip being able to drum up "grassroots support" for his dancing on a television show, and that reveals an obvious unfamiliarity with DeLay's actual political methods: Tom will replace the judges with Republican lobbyists, threaten to financially support primary challengers to those who decline to compliment his dancing, and accept a million dollar bribe from a Russian oil company in exchange for his performing the Russian folk dance "Kalinka."

The full cast of the show was announced today on Good Morning America (no LaToya, boo) and ABC has cast it similar to past years with some singers, athletes, actors, an Osmond, and a random politician. Well, since they stuck by their formula, we're going to use our own formula to handicap the odds of who is going to win your mother's favorite show. Just don't take her for all she's worth. Save that for those greedy bitches in the office pool.

Mya
You Know Her From: Her debut album.
Chances: She was known more as a singer than a dancer, but she's young and hip and has an album to promote.
Compare Her To: Toni Braxton
Odds: 20-1

Macy Gray
You Know Her From: Trying to say goodbye and choking, trying to walk away and stumbling.
Chances: Macy has always been a bit of a loon. We have a feeling that she's not going to be able to tell the difference between a foxtrot and Foxy Brown.
Compare Her To: Scary Spice
Odds: 100-1

Chuck Liddell
You Know Him From: Beating the shit out of people.
Chances: We think the Paso Doble needs a little more finess than an elbow drop, but if he's quick on his feet, he might be able to pull it off.
Compare Him To: Floyd Mayweather
Odds: 30-1

Melissa Joan Hart
You Know Her From: Explaining it all.
Chances: She has fought to stay relevant all these years, so this lady knows how to work hard. She's going to give it her all. Let's just hope her pesky brother Ferguson doesn't ruin it!
Compare Her To: Jenny Garth
Odds: 15-1

Kathy Ireland
You Know Her From: Beating off to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the '80s.
Chances: She is making so much money from hocking her shit at KMart that she doesn't need a career boost. But, she looks damn good for 46, so she may just get her cha-cha on.
Compare Her To: Paulina Porizkova
Odds: 30-1

Mark Dacascos
You Know Him From: Do we?
Chances: This former Iron Chef fixture is a nobody, and not even a hot nobody like Gilles Marini. We refuse to acknowledge that he is on the show.
Compare Him To: Helio Castroneves
Odds: N/A

Ashley Hamilton
You Know Him From: Boinking Shannen Doherty.
Chances: Um, if you can survive living with her and coming out alive, then you can kick ass doing a few twirls around the dancefloor. Also, his father George didn't do badly on the show.
Compare Him To:
Odds: 10-1

Michael Irvin
You Know Him From: ESPN, the Cowboys
Chances: The "old athlete" has proven to be a contender in past years. Also, if he doesn't want to be teased by his football chums for years, he better do well.
Compare Him To: Warren Sapp
Odds: 5-1

Donny Osmond
You Know Him From: Conquering all media with Mormon mind tricks.
Chances: They're good. Fuck.
Compare Him To: Marie Osmond
Odds: 3-2

Tom DeLay
You Know Him From: The U.S. House of Representatives
Chances: Oh please. The "old guy" never makes it that far.
Compare Him To: Tucker Carlson
Odds: 100-1

Natalie Coughlin
You Know Her From: Watching her in between Michael Phelps video montages during the summer Olympics.
Chances: Swimming requires microscopic attention to detail just like ballroom does, and she's used to working in ludicrous outfits. Keep your eye on her.
Compare Her To: Shawn Johnson
Odds: 4-1

Joanna Krupa
You Know Her From: Runways, your dreams.
Chances: You know how pretty girls are lousy in bed because they don't have to do much work. Well, the same applies to dancing.
Compare Her To: Josie Maran
Odds: 60-1

Debi Mazar
You Know Her From: Entourage before it sucked.
Chances: She is the only one on the cast who was in a Madonna video. She didn't dance, but still. But she never really took her career that far, so does she have the motivation?
Compare Her To: Vivika A. Fox
Odds: 25-1

Kelly Osbourne
You Know Her From: The first circle of reality television hell.
Chances: The chubby teen girl slot isn't the worst one to fill. Also, Sharon will be there cheering her on, so let's hope she stays around, if only for her family in the audience.
Compare Her To: Marisa Jaret Winokour
Odds: 15-1

Aaron Carter
You Know Him From: Boy bands, rocking the House of Carters
Chances: If he can behave himself long enough and get his act together, the former boy banders usually can follow choreography and win the audience's hearts.
Compare Him To: Drew Lachey
Odds: 5-1

Louie Vito
You Know Him From: Snowboarding, if you know him at all.
Chances: He's young, athletic, and cute. That should bode well in his dancing abilities and the number of votes he'll get from the audience. However, we're still not sure who he is.
Compare Him To: Apolo Anton Ohno
Odds: 5-1

Tucker Carlson was one thing. But Tom DeLay actually wielded power and made the lives of millions of Americans worse by ramming through the Republican Party's agenda and even standing up to George W. Bush's efforts to help poor people. He is a thug and a ghoul masquerading as a clown. This deliberate attempt to debase himself and shrug off what little dignity he ever had—presumably to raise money for his legal defense against charges of conspiracy to violate election laws in Texas—cruelly robs his enemies of the satisfaction of their hatred. Because what more is there to say when the man who was for decades the bloated, red face of the conservative agenda is literally dancing for fucking money on television? God help us.

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

The Woz and partner Karina Smirnoff were ejected from the televised dancing competition last night, four shows into a season that was already something of a Silicon Valley obsession before the first installment even aired. The charmingly oversharey ubergeek won plaudits from the judges for his enthusiasm and, following a foot fracture, determination.

But as computer-hardware-designer Woz himself knows, brute force is rarely the optimal way to solve a problem; elegance inevitably wins over the long term. Tiring of Woz's clumsy steps — one said Woz's was the worst Samba he'd witnessed — the judges eliminated him last night, along with former Playboy model Holly Madison.

Ever the gracious contestant, Wozniak went of his way after being eliminated to praise the Dancing voting system he had once slammed; as well as Madison and partner Smirnoff. "I want to dance more with you," he told her.

We have a feeling there are at least a few other people who'd like to keep watching.

The latest on Woz, who performed last week with a fractured foot: He's going on air tonight having pulled a hamstring and accused DWTS producers of rigging the vote.

Last week, he emailed supporters claiming that results were getting manipulated to juice ratings:

The producers play games to get viewers and don't disclose the numbers. If they disclosed the numbers, it would be less of a game, but still suspect. If tomorrow, they claim I'm in the bottom 2 dance teams, including viewer votes, I believe that it's an outright lie....

I'm sure they want me in this dance-off to get higher Tuesday ratings, and they have preplanned it so that I win. If my leg acts up tomorrow, they will either have to announce another pair as being the lowest or send me home, and I don't think they will give me up.

He's since apologized:

I have been around the internet conspiracy theory forums for too long.

We know how easy it is to espouse a lot of ideas and build conspiracy theory. No conspiracy theory can be proven wrong, so there are always plenty of die-hard followers.

Yesterday I wrote my suspicions of the secret Dancing With The Stars audience vote tabulations. I wrote that the producers were liars, simply because I truly believed in that possibility, not because I had a shred of evidence.

I hurt a lot of honest people.

If anyone's manipulating the results, it's surely Woz, who's using his website, email list, and Facebook group to decimate the competition — at least the competition for online attention. Did you know that Lil' Kim was competing in this season? Belinda Carlisle? Lawrence Taylor? If you did, it's probably only because Woz has blogged about them. Will he dance on, despite his injury? Woz recently complained about the press's obsession with the health of his partner in founding Apple, Steve Jobs. Maybe he was just jealous his own health wasn't getting more attention.

(Photo by Janet Wozniak)

Still, he scored a modest 17 out of 30, and the judges told him he needed to work on things like "dance quality" and "endurance." Oh, please. This is America! No one succeeds on actual talent anymore. You just have to be liked. And who can't like a rotund dude who ends his dance with a Tom Selleck beefcake pose?

Watch for Woz's ex, comedienne Kathy Griffin, in the audience: