Straight from Politico: Cross says he went to the White House Correspondents Association dinner and was sitting right up front and because he like to do crazy things to impress his friend, he did this:

"I've got photos of all this. ... I'm there and the president is right here and with all these people at the table" Cross snorted some coke, he said. "Maybe 40 feet from the president of the United States!"

Pics or it didn't happen, David Cross. This is the edgiest thing to happen at the White House Correspondents Association dinner since Steven Colbert devastatingly spoke truth to power, simultaneously bruising the egos of the White House lapdog press corps and making Bush squirm through a sparkling recounting of his tragic flaws. This is a close second.

UPDATE: The friend he was trying to impress was Gavin McInnes, formerly of Vice. Of course.
[Pic: Getty]

• Is Lindsay Lohan having the worst week of her life? Probably. Papa Lohan — ever the purveyor of sage wisdom — claims that baby's house was burglarized! LAPD officers are on the scene right now, according to TMZ. Hopefully, she won't try to pin it on a bodega worker named Mohamed. Stay tuned, everyone. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lady Gags got booed in England for showing up to a set late and then having to circumcise her show after running out of time. Speaking of circumcision, PENIS OR GTFO, Gags. [The Sun]
  
  
• Page Six decides to pile on Michael Wolff's supposedly awful site traffic. I'm sorry, but with headlines like I LOVE TO KILL THE NEWS, yeah. He'll take what he can get. [Page Six]
  
  
• Postcards To Yo' Momma: Charles Dickens used to get ladies by writing letters to deh muddahs. In other news, (A) my favorite Page Six items are now the "historical gossip" ones and (B) I just stick with chocolate-covered strawberries. And thus, moms love me. If I were to write a girlfriend's mom a letter she'd be like seriously WTF and then tell her daughter to find a hedge funder or something, because This one, he writes letters? Meshuggah. He could've been a lawyer, too. A shonda. And look what he writes about Jews! [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Katie Holmes served as the inspiration or something for Scientology's creepy new uniforms. Also, Katie Holmes probably hates Scientology, because it's just another beard for craziness in her life she has to suffer in order to get her contract paid out. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven hasn't eaten fish in a bunch of months, and is now a new man or something now that he's living an un-mercury-poisoned life. Notably, Broadway is looking much healthier too now that it hasn't had much Jeremy Piven in however many months. [NYP]
  
  
• Random for an R & M item, but: girls in Maxim's Hometown Hotties contest - which is exactly what it sounds like - say that it's fixed! There's some kind of resolution to this story, but Maxim's PR person realizes what a ridiculous gossip item this is, and takes the time to crack a joke to R & M: "We did use the same electronic voting machines as Ohio did in the 2004 election. So we fully expect George W. Bush will be our next Hometown Hottie winner." [R & M]
  
  
• George Hamilton keeps lookin' good by using stem cell injections of his own fat on his face. Meanwhile, George Hamilton! Love him. Does anybody remember "George and Alana," Hamilton's talk show he once had with his ex-wife Alana Stewart? It was really good! [R & M]
  
  
• Gah! Fuckin' bedbugs! They're now terrorizing Bubba Clinton and staff in his Harlem offices. It got so bad that they had to leave work for a few days. [R & M]
  
  
• Oh, those wacky Coen Bros. They made Amy Landecker wear a pubic "wig" for the upcoming A Serious Man because it's set in 1967. [NYP]
  
  
• Not exactly 90th percentile SAT stuff, but: Was Jill Zarin chatting up a dean at Brown to get her daughter past admissions there? Probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad: Jason Preston still isn't over his breakup with Marc Jacobs. He reached out to Courtney Love over Twitter because he's sad that Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend, Lorenzo Martone, this weekend in Massachusetts. But: why are you reaching out to Courtney Love for help? There are bad terrible awful ways you can act about ex-lovers, and then there's reaching out to Courtney Love. Don't do that. Just: don't. Go listen to some Paul Simon or something instead. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Paquin isn't afraid to get nekkid on vampire fetishist show True Blood. So it goes! Meanwhile, talk about burying the lede, Page Six: Nylon's still having magazine parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to spend $45M on, let's see here, a...'FRENCH LOVE NEST' reports Showbiz Spy. And here I thought they were going to write PYREX BONG. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Aw. Where does Susan Boyle take her buckets of duckets and spend them on vacation? Home. She went to take a break in Scotland. Happy things, people. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Oh, this is wonderful: David Cross used a picture of the father of his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, as his author's bio photo on the jacket of his upcoming book. Furthermore! He wrote, on his bio: "He is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn." Forthcoming, but true. David Cross: loved by parents, I guess? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Was LeAnn Rimes involved in a hit-and-run? She was questioned by cops on Thursday night about one. [US]
  
  
• Will Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have raging ecstasy-induced sex in an upcoming possible film project? They could just pick up funding for this film by placing tzedakah boxes around the country at various male-oriented Jewish youth group meetings. Watch. They'd have a $20M budget in about three weeks. [WWTDD]

• John Mayer went out clubbing in Los Angeles the other night and somehow found himself covered from head to toe in lipstick kisses, so naturally, he then took to the streets and sang a Michael Jackson song for the paparazzi. [Dlisted]
  
  
• You cannot stop the legendary Hollywood cock-swordsman that is David Cross, you can only hope to contain him, which it appears that no one can do these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fergie, wife of Josh Duhamel, has admitted that she likes to delve into a little sapphic love every now and then. [Sun]
  
  
• Mariah Carey almost murdered a bunch of Frenchmen after she was kept waiting AN HOUR to walk a red carpet at a film premiere at Cannes. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still spending money like Mike Tyson, MC Hammer and Michael Jackson on crack. [Mirror]
  
  
• Steve Rattner is building a house the size of a small country on Martha's Vineyard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Eminem says that his new album was inspired largely by...wait for it...SERIAL KILLERS! [Mirror]

• Katie Holmes is said by Star to be planning a "trial separation" from Tom Cruise amid her plans to come to New York, where she might act in the play All My Sons. There's a battle over Suri. [Star]
• Britney Spears clocked some time on the treadmill, renewed the restraining order against ex-hanger-on Sam Lutfi, enrolled in voice lessons and spent two days in a recording studio, messing around. The singer was playing the pianno and singing "just for fun," or at least that's how she rolled until someone leaked everything to the media.
• Tori Spelling, in her own words: "I'm a huge fan of gays... They love me; I love them. They consider me kind of a gay icon, which they've labeled me as." [Reuters]
• A character dies in the Sex And The City movie, according to Cynthia Nixon. We don't know who or how important, just "a character." In other words, it's a movie. [P6]
• According to Naomi Campbell, British Airways, which has banned the supermodel, begged her to fly with them again but she refused because they disrespected her. No one in the entire world will ever believe that story, but plucky Page Six called BA just to confirmit is indeed total bullshit. [P6]
• Welcome to the family, Pete Wentz: The musician's father-in-law-to-be is already trying to broker pictures of the forthcoming baby Wentz didn't want to talk about. Ashlee Simpson's dad wants $1 million, the magazines are thinking less than $100,000. At least we know who leaked the pregnancy news. [P6]
• A plastic surgeon published a children's book on his profession called "My Beautiful Mommy." [Perez]
• David Cross is dating a woman 19 years younger, Amber Tamblyn of Joan of Aracadia. Or at least making out with her at a big movie opening. [P6]
• The father of Minnie Driver's baby is a San Francisco musician, Craig Zolezzi (pic). [Hollyscoop]

Hello, David here. I've internally debated the merits of addressing my appearance in, (and thus tacit condoning of) "Alvin and The Chipmunks". I am not stupid nor unobservant. I knew going into this movie that I would be eating a lot of delicious shit for it.

Usually I wouldn't give a shit about what everyone's feelings are about it, but I wasn't prepared for the level, or amount I should say, of vitriol that's been flung about like so much monkey poo. But then I read Patton's snide comment in his blog about how he and Brian were offered the part and how they then chucked the script in disgust only to have it hungrily intercepted from it's intended trajectory into the incinerator by me, a money hungry whore sell out, (I'm paraphrasing.) [...]

MITIGATING FACTOR #4
I love Patton and think the world of him and his talent. That will never change, no matter how many times he chooses to wear a kilt and hungrily guzzle sugary sweet, Sierra Mist (Oh snap!!) in an unintentional metaphor for everything being discussed here. What Patton doesn't know (I'm assuming) is that the part was originally offered to me, I said, "no way!", then it was offered to Patton, Brian, and I don't know who else. Then, months later, after everyone turned it down, they came back to me with a much more generous offer. I then said, "yes way!".

I like to imagine a fantasy conversation with Patton wherein I say, "wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that if you were offered the part of Ratatouille and the part of "Ian" in "Alvin and the Chipmunks" but you could only do one of them that you would honestly rather take the "Ratatouille" role? Really? Well guess what, me too." And then walk away in triumph knowing that I had gotten him with a real zinger!
One thing to note here is that we know that they approached at least me, Patton, and Brian. Three non-traditional funny guys who can do something with the part that isn't on the page. I'd say the people involved with the film (at least on the creative end) have pretty good taste. They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn't be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film.

We encourage you to read the entire list of things ( a chance to hang out with LA-based pals, a desire to put a down payment on a modest place in upstate NY, etc) that influenced Cross, a candid inventory which we think will effectively quash any burgeoning feud between two of our favorite comedians-especially since Cross demonstrated the above-referenced respect for his Pixar-blessed peer by not noting Oswalt's longtime involvement in King of Queens, instead deflecting the conversation towards serial sellout co-star Jason Lee, whose rundown of reasons for participating in both Chipmunks and Underdog in a single calendar year was probably no more complicated than, "I'd starve to death if I waited around for someone to give me decent movie jobs in between seasons of Earl."

• "Allllllviiiiin!" [BobAndDavid.com]

Comedian David Cross Likes His Peanut Butter and Pretzels With A Glass Of Red Wine [Grub St]

I can't (nor should I ever) assume that the each audience I ever do that bit in front of is familiar with either, the South Park episode, the Slate article about Romney being Mormon (which I am not familiar with but I would imagine any good journalist might find it to be an interesting subject), or even the basic tenants and history of Mormonism itself. And looking over your review I notice that I did in fact mention everything you cite as being so integral to the South Park episode. To represent on this web site that bit the way you do is damaging if not worse. Emily, you can't simply reduce everything I said, and it's obvious (to most, at least) intent to merely being a vitriolic, bigoted soap-box lecture wherein I just say, "This is what Mormons believe, aren't they fucking idiots?". That is being either purposefully dishonest or at the very least, lazy and irresponsible. In addition, your numerous references to how poorly I was received seem put in there to bolster your position. This just wasn't the case. Again, the set and entire evening were taped. I have the proof on tape. You have your clearly biased memory of events, which do not match reality.

Review: Comedy Death-Ray at SketchFest [SFist]

...made up of real stories by real people. Our editorial mission: to explore today's world by discovering individuals whose extraordinary life stories intersect with a given topic—and to invite them to tell those stories themselves. No journalists, no middleman. Topic gets its material straight from the people who have lived it.

Okay, I admit it. I had no clue what Topic magazine was until Thursday, when I asked out loud what the fuck Topic magazine was. Joshua, our in-house jokester, casually mentioned he was a senior editor there and that I should accept the release party invitation that spawned the original query. Somewhat embarrassed, I RSVP'd and carted Kate over to The Beatrice Inn because, more than anything else, I wanted to see what a "hipsteraunt" looks like. Additionally, I wanted to see what people who hung out at a "hipsteraunt" look like. Unlike earlier, I found out fairly quickly:

• 1. A "hipsteraunt" looks like my ex-boyfriend's parent's basement, which means it's awesome for clandestine hookups, not so good for masses of people or those with tendencies toward claustrophobia;
  
• 2. People who hang out in "hipsteraunts" are fairly attractive, if not fairly forgettable. It's no Misshapes. Oh, wait:
  
  Never mind. Moving on...

  Locating Josh, the only person I know in the room, I am directed to people we should talk to: Marty Reisman, a septuagenarian ping-pong player with a decidedly melancholy disposition, David Haskell, the EIC of Topic, and some pretty girls who I fail to note the names of (because if there's anything I'm good at, it's not writing down people's names. That whole Yara Flinn thing? Totally a fluke, people.) As usual, I'm more interested in the open Dewar's bar, and Kate is more interested in taking pictures of awkward interactions and semi-amusing performances of Twister:
  
  (Nice ass, dude.) Flipping through my complimentary issue of Topic, I mentally note some things I will read the following morning whilst moderately hungover - Marty's life as a ping-pong champion, a girl whose sister shot her boyfriend and gave her name when she got arrested for it, that pretty Cara girl from The Real World who failed to receive Hasselbeck-type fame from her reality television stint. I also score a pack of playing cards designed just for Topic, featuring the faces of Amy Sohn (!) and David Cross (!!) and at that point, I think "HOLY SHIT, maybe they'll turn up and I can earn some gold stars for my performance chart back at the office. And until they turn up, I'm going to play me some Twister." That fun lasts approximately fourteen minutes, at which point I realize I'm not as flexible as I'd like to believe. I retire to being the person that spins the wheel, which becomes tiresome. I think I should go talk to some people because I am, in some sense, working. I ignore the fact that my heart is beating a little irregularly, that it's hot and sort of hard to breathe, a situation I think will be cured by another trip to the bar.

  It is not.
  
  You see, if there were more unfortunately dressed people here, I could have stuck out the rapid onset of claustrophobia by making fun of them. If David Cross were here, I could have ignored my arrhythmia in lieu of making a total fool of myself. If Amy Sohn were here, I could attempt to get some sort of embarrassing vagina quote or something. But none of those people are here, and I'm in full panic attack mode. I need to get the hell out of here - fast. Collecting Kate, I manage to have a somewhat inept interaction with a really cute boy as I'm gathering my bags. I think to myself, "Wow, Heather, you really suck at life these days." And this thought crosses my mind later on, when I hear the sad news that David Cross AND Claire Danes showed up almost immediately after we left so alas, no pictures of them.

  Damn those celebrities and their fashionably late entrances.

  Topic Magazine Release Party [Photos]
  

So that Bank of America "One" song made more of an impression than we realized. Apart from eliciting a flurry of C&D's (it also inspired the above cover version from new Modest Mouse guitarist Johnny Marr and adorable alopecian funnyman David Cross. How long before YouTube brings us the Patton Oswalt parody of the Aleksey Vayner video?

[Link via Comedy Central Blog.]

· By now you may have already seen this video of David Cross showing his appreciation of Jim Belushi's "music" by hopping on stage during one of his "concerts." If so, watch it again. It really rewards a second viewing. If this is the first time, cherish this special moment. [via GoldenFiddle]
· OK, George Michael, you're on notice: Pass out in your car with some drugs just one more time and we're going to start saying you might have a problem.
Page-pampering Florida Congressman Mark Foley (no, not the Focus Features guy, how many times do we have to correct you on that?) checked into rehab today, possibly in Clearwater, which set off Wonkette's Scientology alarms. We're just going to assume that his possible ties to the Church are merely related to pandering to a large South Floridian constituency, and that he's not currently trying to sweat out his pedophilia in a Hubbardian sauna.
As Copyranter points out in regards to an ad featuring an image of ET's Mary Hart, there's a fine line between photo "retouching" and the "the wholesale erasure of twenty years of aging."
After removing the twenty-pound false stomach she wore for all nine (or was it ten?) months of her fake pregnancy, Katie Holmes now seems skinnier. A real headscratcher, that.

Who can truly claim to know the ultimate origin of David Cross's hatred of Jim Belushi? Is it one comic's disdain for another's hackery? Does Cross feel it necessary to defend the deceased John Belushi's comedic legacy from his brother Jim's tomb raiding? Or is it just a specious vendetta created for the sake of awkward tragic theater? In any case, enjoy the above clip of Cross crashing the stage during a set by Jim Belushi's Blues Brothers rip-off band. Cross's nimble little douche-dance and gaping grin pretty much say it all.

David Cross and Jim Belushi Continue Feuding [Apiary]

· David Cross offers his thoughts on his doppleganger, on the not-unexpected cancellation of the beloved Arrested Development, and on why her prefers NY to sunny Los Angeles.
· As a matter of fact, the Libertine Double-Penetration Brownies sound strangely delicious.
· Hey, unicorns!
· Because there's nothing more dangerous than a gambler with nothing to lose, please enjoy the much-lamented Oddjack's recent posts on the "next seasons" of The Facts of Life and Dawson's Creek, and this one on whitefish salad, snack of champions. Dammit, we miss him already!

When this all started, we posted a picture of a possible the suspect; we later announced that said picture was of the Real David. As it turns out, that was NOT the Real David: This man is most certainly a charlatan.

Now, as readers go through their drunken photo collections, scouring for possible documentation of run-ins with Davids real or fake, we've been sent the following image:

The reader claims that this picture, taken on Halloween, depicts the Real David Cross. And we'd like more than anything than to believe it — but, if anything, this twisted manhunt has killed our ability to believe in anything anymore.

Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the Fake David Cross

Being pointed to yet another suspect forces us to realize the problem with finding Fake David: The David Cross "look" is achieved by simply being bald, sporting sideburns, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses. And that look is embraced by, say, 40% of the population below 14th Street. So, really, everyone is a Fake David.

Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the Fake David Cross

(NB: The picture we posted last week of a reader with Cross was, in fact, the real David Cross. To our knowledge, there is only one Fake David terrorizing lower Manhattan. Which is more than enough.)

The Most Disturbing Twist Yet in the David Cross Imposter Scandal [The Apiary]
Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the Fake David Cross