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New York, 5:43 AM
Tue Nov 10
55 posts in the last 24 hours
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09/13/09
I miss him too.
09/13/09
Depression is a serious condition with many levels. The worst level is what I refer to as "the black hole." One minute, you may be feeling functional, the next - it's like falling into a dark tunnel with no light at the end. Unfortunately, those who have never experienced this kind of depression do not grasp the severity of it. As someone who has spent her entire life like this (even as a child), I was given lecture after lecture about how I was "indulging myself and not taking others into consideration." What many do not understand is that you really have no control - no one asks for this way of life. The same goes for suicide in may cases. There are those who make attempts at it as a cry for help. When you're in the black hole, you can't see anything - all you feel is pain and all you care about is unplugging. People in this state aren't even in their bodies - you're simply a shell forced to move and slap a smile on your face. You also make a major attempt at suicide. These are the people who give no warning, and they're damned serious about it. Is it selfish? I'm sure many see it that way. But the person going through it honestly does not have the capacity to see anything. I was fortunate that I was found at the last minutes of my life, but I can not tell you the disappointment that I felt at not succeeding. I know take meds for this as it took me forever to realize that it's a true physical condition - the brain over produces/under produces whatever chemicals it needs to remain stable. I'm out of the hole. But I know if I stop taking the meds, I'll slip right back into it. All I want for people to understand is that sometimes, there is no choice because the pain is unbearable. I was lucky that I had someone who understood that and realized what my next step would be. Not everyone is this fortunate.
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[gawker.com]
[gawker.com]
and this:
[gawker.com]
Without getting too oversharey, it's one of those subjects that's important to me, or as Snugbug astutely put it, "Depression = very, very complicated bidness. If only one could "will oneself" out of a chemical imbalance in the brain." So: there are resources, and people out there with common experiences, and it's something the world's working on, and plenty to be said for it. And the more that's said: the better.
09/13/09
--from David Forster Wallace's THIS IS WATER
09/13/09
WOW, thank you thank you for posting this.
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09/13/09
As much as his death saddened me, though, I have to respect him for actually taking his own life.
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(page 157 in the Back Bay Books version with the blue sky & cloud on the cover.)
09/13/09
But my was I moved by DFW's story--to tears. What a sweet soul he is. I had no idea. I was especially moved by the story of his loving, awesome parents and their commitment to his wellbeing and struggle. I really ached for them, especially, after he died.
09/13/09
09/13/09
I don't really buy into the unbearable genius thing either. But, obviously, some of us just can't hang on, brilliant mind or no. It's a sad, shitty fact.
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09/13/09
Second, if you read Infinite Jest itself, there are a few passages describing major depression in terms of what characters are feeling but that, in retrospect, are pretty clearly autobiographical. What's described is not some sense of ennui, regret, woe-is-me or meaninglessness; it's a minute-to-minute agony that is sickening even to read about. The New Yorker article that came out six months ago did a pretty good job of describing what Wallace was going through; I'd read before you judge.
[www.newyorker.com]
09/13/09
I was near the epicenter of it, as an English student at Pomona, and so I saw and experienced all the pain that his suicide caused firsthand, and still, it's the only time that I heard of a suicide and didn't think, if only s/he'd hung on a bit longer. He hung on as long as he could, and then some.
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I really want to see your data.
09/13/09
Also, you are being extremely flip about an extremely serious issue. Just because you say you're not trying to doesn't mean that you aren't.
09/13/09
Please go and learn something about mental illness before you say senseless, unkind things. You might as well be saying, "If you're brilliant, you figure out how to make your pancreas produce enough insulin to properly control your blood sugar levels."
09/14/09
But to use that as an illustration of my own intelligence is a cheap shot and childish.
My comment, I admit, however, was not brilliant - you're right. Poorly worded and not well-thought out in structure nor sentiment. And true, I admit I don't know enough about the depths of depression. That's why I said I don't get it. But maybe being educated in an un-snide way would help me. Maybe you can keep that in mind next time you read something with which you don't agree.
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Place in matter and in flesh the least of the values, for these are the things that hold death and must pass away. Discover in all things that which shines and is beyond corruption. Encourage virtue in whatever heart it may have been driven into secrecy and sorrow by the shame and terror of the world. Ignore the obvious, for it is unworthy of the clear eye and the kindly heart.
Be the inferior of no man, or of any men be superior. Remember that every man is a variation of yourself. No man's guilt is not yours, nor is any man's innocence a thing apart. Despise evil and ungodliness, but not men of ungodliness or evil. These, understand. Have no shame in being kindly and gentle but if the time comes in the time of your life to kill, kill and have no regret.
In the time of your life, live—so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it.
William Saroyan
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