Say you're a celebrity auction house that's sold William Shatner's kidney stone ($25,000), Marilyn Monroe's dog license ($4,800), and Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket ($1.8 million). There's only one way to top that, really: Sell a piece of David Hasselhoff. A reeeeally big piece:

New Spider-Man villain Rhys Ifans thinks America sucks. Mariah Carey partied in a nightclub bathroom, while Brooke Mueller prepares to hallucinate in Mexico. Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff had a Las Vegas meltdown. Sunday Gossip is in deep trouble.

Kate Middleton's sister usurps Prince Harry as "royal sibling most likely to dance on a banquette." Jesse James hints that Sandra Bullock wasn't that great in bed. Marie Osmond remarries her ex-husband. Thursday gossip knows how to party.

Matthew Morrison flees his rat-infested home. Nicolas Cage's binge-drinking weekend melee gets weirder. David Hasselhoff is "in like" with a woman half his age. Halle Berry's custody battle forces her to quit a play. Monday gossip is filthy.

[David Hasselhoff and his motley crew storm Australia's Bondi Beach as the former "Baywatch" star peddles some sort of consumer product there. Image via Getty]

Miley Cyrus may get salvia banned. Michael Jackson's autopsy is not something we'd want to see. Michael Lohan gets botox but forgets child payments. Nicole Richie's getting married. Saturday gossip roundup can't move its face.

A&E has canceled David Hasselhoff's brand new reality show, The Hasselhoffs, after only about 500,000 people tuned into the second episode this past Sunday.

Did you know that A&E commissioned a new reality show about David Hasselhoff and his family, called The Hasselhoffs, to premiere next month? Well, now you do! Oh, also: there's a promo, featuring a hairy-chested baby Hasselhoff. Ew? Watch inside.

Last night's episode of Dancing With the Stars bid adieu to Florence Henderson, but the highlight of the night was The Hoff's faux commercial. It also stars Margaret Cho and The Situation, who have since been cast off the show.

Something very sad happened on last night's DWTS—David Hasselhoff was eliminated from the competition during the show's first week! We suppose it makes sense, as the vote is up to American voters—not German Hoff fanatics. Farewell video inside!

Denied entry from Japan for being a cokehead, Paris Hilton tweets ominously. Nicole Richie has a bachelorette party in Mexico. Lindsay Lohan might be denied bail after her latest probation violation. Wednesday gossip terrorizes innocent women, children, and men.

This morning The Hoff graced the stage of Access Hollywood Live to talk about his latest gig on DWTS. He has to wear a "onesie" and doesn't know who The Situation is... but he's giving it 135% of his effort!

Dancing With the Stars, ABC's reality competition about alleged celebrities, who dance, has announced the cast for its 11th season, which premieres in late September. But who are these "stars"? And what, exactly, are they "famous" for?

As many of you know, Comedy Central aired its David Hasselhoff roast tonight. And when Lisa Lampanelli wasn't making jokes about Roger Ebert's cancer (see the video here), Seth MacFarlane was making jokes about Anderson Cooper's sexuality! The video, inside.

Tonight, Comedy Central aired its roast of David Hasselhoff. And while roasts are known for offensive humor, Lisa Lampanelli may have gone a bit far, with jokes about the holocaust, blacks, Roger Ebert's cancer, Haiti, the oil spill, and more.

Last night, legendary actor and suntan enthusiast George Hamilton talked with Craig Ferguson about the roast of David Hasselhoff that he recently took part in. Hamiltion then laid into fellow roasters Pam Anderson and Jerry Springer. Very Classy! Video inside.

I doubt that any Comic-Con attendees/cosplayers/nerds could be genuinely excited with the hijacking of their blessed event by this humiliating 'Hoff parade promoting his new reality show. Who told him he could turn personal embarrassment into success? Why oh why?

Apparently Tila's stint on Celebrity Rehab will cure her of addiction to powdered sleep aids. Katy Perry thinks she's the "new Brangelina." The Hoff gets hospitalized after a three-day alcohol binge. Miley Cyrus is skipping college. Here's your Tuesday gossip.

She violated her DUI probation, but her lawyer says she'll be fine. And check out these gory photos she took. Kardashian says she doesn't smell like a burrito. Clooney didn't know he was harboring an arsenal of explosives. TGIFriday gossip.