This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

If it's Wednesday, we must be playing Midweek Madness. Why else would assistant Margaret and I let the tabloids — Ok!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star — kick us in the shins? [Jezebel]

David Hasselhoff Says .39 Blood Alcohol Is No Sweat

George Clooney says you shouldn't listen to those disgruntled waitresses; Courtney Cox isn't listening to the Brad Pitt haters and David Hasselhoff doesn't want anyone listening to his daughter and ex-wife. More »

The Dark, Secret Life of The Hoff

Now that her messy, messy divorce from Knight Rider/Baywatch star David Hasselhoff is finally over, Pamela Bach is freely dishing about the poor man's troubles. And, really, it behooves us to read every last detail. In 2002, for example, Hasselhoff called Bach from a hotel one dark night. "I'm drunk and I think I'm dying," he said. Then the line went dead. More »

5 Intelligent Screen Cars We Prefer to KITT From 'Knight Rider'

America, let's face it: KITT from Knight Rider is kind of a bitch. Though he's a car designed for adventuring, KITT is also a big scold, always crying, "Do this!" "Do that!" "Miiiichael, the risk factor is too high!" It remains to be seen whether the Val Kilmer-voiced vehicle in tonight's Knight Rider reboot will prove less neurotic over time, but until then, we thought we'd take a trip down memory lane and give props to the "smart" cars we'd prefer to take a ride in. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've created this loving tribute to five of the best onscreen autos to ever rev their engines. Sorry, Herbie — better luck next time? [NBC]

The Hoff Openly Horny For Male Britney Impersonator

· On America's Got Talent last night, David Hasselhoff was refreshingly candid about the stirrings in his loins elicited by Drag Britney. [AGT] More »

Man, Who Knew This Blogging Business Was Such Hard Work?

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David Hasselhoff To Spend Summer Scaring London Tourists

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The Hoff Party Train Makes A Pit Stop At Coachella

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David Hasselhoff Knows No Woman Can Resist The Sexiness Of His Autographed Head Shots

It seems that when you're a former heartthrob forced to maintain your celebrity status on the likes of Idol-wannabe reality shows, picking up women isn't as easy as flashing your veneers and saying hello. In the case of hamburger abuser David Hasselhoff, he might have been able to score by simply striding up to a group of giggly women and opening with "Hi, I'm The Hoff." But one pesky home video and one bitter divorce battle later, the NY Daily News reports that David's current moves aren't so slick:

"[A woman] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff...and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.'"

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Paris Hilton Nipple Flashes Exported To England

Historic Meeting of the Minds in Los Angeles

Ohh gosh. Britney Spears, calamine-stained wig collector and sideways recording artist, has of late been spending some time with David Hasselhoff, well respected star of the television series Baywatch and the film Floor Hamburger for Algernon. The two were introduced to each other by Britney's father Jamie, which makes mother Lynne "incandescent with rage at Jamie's stupidity." After all, Hasselhoff (also a famous baloney salesman in Germany) has had some substance problems of his own and may not be the best pal for old Britney walnuts. Lynne thinks it's all a cheap publicity stunt so Jamie can get some buzz for a new business. But it's possible that Britney is getting something out of these meetings (which involve watching many episodes of Knightrider and practicing "primal scream therapy" in the back yard). A neighbor says of the rendezvous: "Britney turns up looking like she's carrying a big bag of bad on her back and the noise can get a bit much, but she always leaves with a smile on her face." Though, the "big bag of bad" is just the Hoff in a papoose, which they use for their secret morning constitutionals. [Showbiz Spy] After the jump, exclusive video of one of their get-togethers. More »

Eva Mendes Latest Victim Of Cirque Lodge's Non-Miraculous Healing Powers

That Cirque Lodge in Utah sure sounds like one helluva wonder drug. After spending several weeks there attending to what TMZ claimed was a"substance abuse" problem, Eva checked out on February 7th (the same day Kiki Dunst checked in!), but was recently seen joyriding through the weekend party circuit. (Lest you forget, Ms. Mendes was once a Campari model.) But Eva's not the only Cirque alum who hasn't quite kicked whatever habit they went in there with; illustrious fellow Cirque-ers include David Hasselhoff, Mary-Kate Olsen, Richie Sambora and our favorite topless "art" model, Lindsay Lohan. So how well did each of these stellar examples of tip top health fare after leaving the Lodge, sober certificate in hand? From hamburgers to hoovering powder on the beach, the verdict is in. More »

Jessica Alba Grocery Store Wandering Exclusive!

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Buster Bluth menacing the Grove Santa with his hook. More »

In a bravura performance sure to catch the attention of producers and casting directors dining nearby, television superstar David Hasselhoff demonstrated the well-honed acting chops he hopes will land him gigs more artistically demanding than passing judgment on people who can play the accordion with their feet on America's Got Talent: "Spies at the Polo Lounge in the Beverly Hills Hotel spotted Hasselhoff yelling and cursing at two companions at his lunch table Friday afternoon. One witness said Hasselhoff, after complaining about his career, stormed out as nearby patrons stared. Hasselhoff's publicist Judy Katz, who famously blamed his 2006 Heathrow meltdown on antibiotics, confirmed he had lunch there with his agent, but firmly denied that any unpleasantries were exchanged." [Page Six]

Ex Soap Star To Play Son of Michael Knight

NBC has announced that former All My Children star Justin Bruening will play the son of Michael Knight, the protagonist (well, other than KITT), in the NBC Knight Rider made-for-tv movie, which could well be the pilot of a new television show. As we all remember, the original KITT was a pretty awesome Trans-Am. The new KITT hasn't been announced, but we're sure many automakers are licking their chops to get in on that action. Before we all get up in arms about the soap star playing our childhood hero, we'd remind you that David Hasselhoff starred in The Young and the Restless before getting his break as Michael Knight. [E! Online] [Jalopnik]

David Hasselhoff Shops For Healthier Floorburger Ingredients At Whole Foods

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are the greatest single contribution you will make in this lifetime, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green not engaging in any manual foreplay in public. More »

David Hasselhoff Given Inevitable E! Show

Today, the creative dream team of American Idol host/tireless megaproducer Ryan Seacrest and America's Got Talent judge/off-key finale-stealer David Hasselhoff have announced their promising collaboration on Tales From the Hoff, a scripted E! series that should provide a much-needed respite from the celebrity-fellating network's nonstop countdown-related programming. If you've ever furrowed a brow at the actor's repeated attempts at sustaining a post-Baywatch show business career and thought to yourself, "This man's sad quest to remain relevant to a generation that's never even heard of Knight Rider would make a darkly funny television show," then this upcoming project will quickly find itself on your Season Pass list, according to Var: More »

David Hasselhoff Seizes The Moment

On a night dedicated to celebrating the very best in American talent, it was a man whose myriad gifts are almost exclusively recognized overseas who truly stole the show. More »

'America's Got Talent' Crowns Its Million Dollar Puppetmaster

We'll admit to watching very little of this season of America's Got Talent, NBC's highly rated, thoroughly Z-list variety extravaganza presided over by judges the Hoff, Sharon Osbourne, and Segway Accident Guy—and, of course, host Jerry Springer, who seemed all along to be secretly holding out hope that plus-sized semi-finalist girl group The Glamazons would trample human beatbox virtuoso Butterscotch for mackin' on their man. More »

Naomi Watts And Liev Schreiber Choose Sides In Ongoing Yogurt Wars

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you noticed Faye Dunaway meditating between screenings at the Sunset 5. More »

America's Got Some Very Dangerous Talents

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Con Man Unscrupulousy Capitalizes On The Power Of The Hoff

Hollywood has always provided a fertile feeding ground for scam artists like David William Port, a Kansas City resident who bilked hundreds of thousands of dollars from gullible investors convinced they could grow their nest eggs by hitching them to the enduring bankability of Pamela Anderson prancing down the Malibu shore in a physics-defying one-piece bathing suit. From the Reuters report: More »

Lindsay Lohan Rings In Her 21st At Chateau Haunted By Personal Demons

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you ogled Brian Grazer's rippling physique at a Greek restaurant in Malibu. More »

John Stamos: "You'll Never Find Me Eating A Hamburger Off The Floor Like That Lush Hasselhoff"

One happy byproduct of John Stamos's recent Australian escapades—including an unhinged morning show visit in which the actor waxed incoherently about the size of a journalist's genitalia and Princess Diana's death—is that the ER star's deformed belly button has ceased to be the most interesting about him. Still, the series of discombobulated media appearances Down Under seem to have done more bad than good for Stamos's profile, and now the actor wants everyone to know that the real culprit was just some prescription sleep-aids. From TVGuide.com: More »

'Times' to Readers: Try Not To Think About Boorish Hollywood Dads

New York Times Theorist of Celebrity Caryn James needs just 39 words today to authoritatively defeat our vulgarian fascination with the likes of the David Hasselhoff daughter-abuse videotape and the Alec Baldwin daughter-abuse audiotape. "These new leaks simply draw all of us into family battles where we don't belong," reasons a firm but feisty Ms. James. "Beyond the humane idea that some things really should remain private, even for fame-mongers, these leaks have an insidious snowball effect on the culture." Fortunately, for reasons of context, James precedes her renunciative 39 words with 477 drawing us into the Hasselhoff and Baldwin battles, and follows them with 504 more regarding these two things which "really should remain private." You know, just to confirm exactly what we should not be caring about. More »

A Mulleted Sylvester Stallone And Family Stroll In Beverly Hills

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so if lady luck should happen to gift you with one, don't squander it: Write it up and send it in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted David Hasselhoff working off a cheeseburger at your gym. More »

"Don't Hassle The Hoff": The Hoff Tries To Dance With A Star

It's time for another excerpt from Don't Hassel the Hoff (St. Martin's Press, May 15), the autobiography of one of the world's most loved entertainers. In this installment, the Hoff hits on Heather Mills for some completely inexplicable reason. More »

Lucas Not Impressed With 'Spider-Man 3'

· The man who gave us Jar Jar Binks (and who glued two hair-danishes to Carrie Fisher's head and gave Hayden Christensen a career) knows a "silly" movie when he sees one. More »

"Don't Hassel The Hoff": Joel Stein Drove The Hoff To Drink!

It's time for another excerpt from Don't Hassel the Hoff (St. Martin's Press, May 15), the autobiography of one of the world's most loved entertainers. In this installment, a career setback (News To Me, a sitcom co-starring the Hoff about the life of Joel Fucking Stein, was cancelled before it got out of the gate) sends David spiraling back into the arms of sweet, sweet alcohol, with results that seem eerily resonant given recent developments in the author's life. More »

A Number Of Things You Probably Would Have Been Better Off Not Seeing

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Meet Our New Watchdog

Yesterday, Gawker revealed that Buck "Hoyt" Kent, 64, was becoming its second Ombudsman. Kent won a Webby in 2003 for his coverage of that weird smell at the A/C/E station on 34th Street, and until recently was the rape-and-murder cartographer for Gothamist. He was one of the first bloggers to question the stories about Tom Cruise buying an apartment in the Dakota, stories that we still maintain are true. Or true-ish. He spoke with Chick's Clothes Occasionally reporter Jake Woodward. More »

"Don't Hassel The Hoff": Hoff Calls 'Baywatch' Sexist!

Wow, tough week for David Hasselhoff, huh? First someone leaks a tape of the drunken entertainer's inability to eat a cheeseburger. Now, TMZ reports that a Superior Court judged has barred him from visiting his children. So much publicity! If only he had something to promote! More »

Kirsten Dunst Has Her Priorities In Order