• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

Hours after McKenzie Phillips' revelations of her "consensual" sexual relationship with her father swept media by storm, singer/talent judge/tabloid coverboy David Hasselhoff, a man who can't stand to sit on the sidelines of history, threw his 17-year-old daughter into the car and headed straight over to West Hollywood's noted sex shop Coco de Meraccording a TMZ report. Too soon?

So media, start cutting your special segments today, go ahead and order up your special edition covers, alert Barbara Walters to keep her beeper close to her head while she sleeps so she can leap out of the bed and slide down the breaking story fire pole and into the studio at a moment's notice. There is a humongous publicity tsunami hanging in the balance, waiting to be set off by a scientific confirmation that Celebrity Inappropriate Family Behavior is in fact a trend. And it is very hard to imagine that with all the venerable show biz families who buried the last vestiges of their shame eons ago, that there won't be just one of them willing to step up to the mat and claim their share of this negative PR goldmine.

• She's unlucky in love and the frequent butt of jokes, but now that her dog's dead, Jessica Simpson's friends think the singer "will put her into the worst place ever" and send her into a "tailspin." The final straw comes in many forms. [People]
  
  
• The investigation into Anna Nicole Smith's death took some twists this week. Court documents reveal that a pharmacist tried to warn Anna Nicole Smith's doctors that her over-the-top pill-popping was bad news. One described the drugs prescribed after her son's death as "pharmaceutical suicide." Meanwhile, court documents show proof that the doctors — psychiatrist, Dr. Khristine Eroshevich, and internist, Sandeep Kapoor — had sexual contact with Smith.[LA Times]
  
  
• John Travolta will take the stand in the Bahamas today to testify in a trial against a paramedic and lawyer who are accused of using information on his son's death to extort $25 million. [People]
  
  
• Nick Prugo, the 18-year old who police think broke in Lindsay Lohan's house, was spotted hanging out with the actress on the set of her straight-to-tv movie, Labor Pains. Prugo, by the way, was busted for cocaine possession back in February. [TMZ]
  
  
• Mad women were trying to get into Barack Obama's pants during the campaign, and that really pissed off Michelle. So, what did the future first lady do? She gave him the silent treatment. And, maybe, had a female campaign staffer sent into exile on Martinique. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tax dollars well-spent: The Clinton tapes reveal that secret service agents once had to maintain order when a drunken, underwear-clad Boris Yeltsin tried to hail a cab to go get pizza. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff went to the hospital this weekend because of ear infection medicine, not booze. That's what he says, at least. [Page Six]
  
  
• All of the Los Angeles Lakers have been invited to Khloe Kardashian's wedding to forward Lamar Odom. [TMZ]
  
  
• Oh, the humanity! Anna Wintour had to sit next to Alexa Chung and Pixie Geldof during a show at London's fashion week. And she doesn't look happy. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin's broke down in tears recently because she was filming a talk show, is going through a divorce and misses her eight children. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chaz Bono, who's currently transitioning from female to male, will write a memoir called Coming Clean. [TMZ]

• Someone claims to have walked in on the ever-messy Courtney Love tinkling at the Standard and says she went crazy, which makes sense for many, many reason. [Page Six]
  
  
• But, of course, Love denies the so-called pee encounter ever happened. She twittered, "page6 said this guy walked in on me as i was peeing no i wasnt ( i i was itd be the same) he was a crasher and he laughed and pointed." A brave man, he was... [Twitter]
  
  
• Mischa Barton shows up to work "bleary" and demands instant coffee, into which she then stares, mumbling about how she needs coffee. Sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, that Harvey Weinstein's such a joker: he described NY Post media writer Peter Lauria as "the inspiration for Inglorious Basterds." "We were thinking who were the bastards that we know, and he was the No. 1 bastard." Does that mean the paper's run by a bunch of Nazis? [Page Six]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff got so rip-roaring drunk yesterday that someone had to call 911 after getting a frantic call from his worried daughter. [TMZ]
  
  
• OMG! Is Samantha getting married in the new Sex and the City?! [3am]
  
  
• Uh-oh! Puff Daddy, or whatever his name is, may leave Warner Brothers for Interscope once his contract's up in April. What will be of WB-based label Bad Boy?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New Jersey "star" Danielle Straub tried to talk to Martha Stewart at an event last week, bUt Stewart ignored her. Ha! [MSNBC]
  
  
• Dancing with the Stars' former golden couple, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff looked happy on the Emmy stage, but were fighting and bickering back stage. Don't be fooled by appearances: they hate one another. [E!]
  
  
• Jack Tweed, the widower of British reality star-turned-cancer patient Jade Goody, appears in court today to face allegations that he raped a woman. [3am]
  
  
• Halle Berry is not with child. But is with toga dress. [Daily Mail]

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

See, they have something against The View because it's full of liberals and run by women with no authoritative man types to loudly talk over them until they sit stupidly in a corner like good old Gretchen does (come back from vacation already, Wetchy! Your little badger swats at logic are sorely missed). Plus they don't respect Republican spokesidiot Elisabeth Hasselbeck, so they're doubly jerks over at that show.

Doocy and Kilmeade also don't like Barack Obama because he's a socialist illegal immigrant who wants to take all your money away. So someone like the Hoff pissing off the View ladies and insulting Obama? Man oh man is that mother's milk to them. Watch them try and fail to stifle childish giggles!

I'm gonna miss you fuckers. I really am.

• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are so boning! They're working on a movie together, some impossibly dumb romantic comedy, and they've been spotted off-camera walking with their arms around each other! Like we said, they are boning hard on the regular, no doubt. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• The LAPD arrived at Mischa Barton's West Hollywood apartment and removed her from the premises because she was having a "medical issue." [Sun]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend is a "party animal" with a "racy lesbian past," which probably means she got wasted and made out with girls in front of boys in rural Midwestern bars, just like every other girl her age. But whatever. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• After a ten year engagement, 72 year-old Robert Redford finally tied the knot with his fiancee, Sibylle Szaggars. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's legs were riddled with gaping wounds resulting from the many injections and intravenous lines he had going into them. Who the hell puts an IV into the leg? Anyway, the pictures of Jackson's legs are freaking gross. You've been warned. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Another fairy tale romance bites the dust as Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil file for divorce in London. So there you go fellas—AWine is back on the market! [Mirror]
  
  
• Zooey Deschanel likes to slather herself up with sunscreen because she like the way that it makes her smell. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Kylie Minogue got pissed at her boyfriend the other night for making her wait in line for a drink in a bar or something so she slapped him across the face. [Page Six]
  
  
• According to the Sun, Madonna is afflicted with something called "bingo wings," which is apparently British slang for the droopy skin that hangs from a woman's upper arms. So much for those Tracy Anderson workouts, eh? [Sun]
  
  
• The Hoff and Lady Gaga were spotted partying together in London on Tuesday night. Need we even say anything more? [Mirror]

Ok!
This mag can't really be called a tabloid anymore. They've been threatening to change, then everyone got fired and things are not the same. Instead of gossip, it's all fashion, makeup, diet tips, pictures and stuff like Dita Von Teese's fave cocktail and an interview with Padma Lakshmi about her jewelry line. Is it "Elle Weekly," as they described? Not exactly. But there's no juicy "news."
Grade: N/A (disqualified from game)

In Touch
"38 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." There are seven pages of celebs in swimsuits. Guess who the mag says "could use a little work"? Lindsay Lohan; Kate Hudson, whom they accuse of "flaunting her curves,"; Katherine Heigl, who "has cellulite" on her "lumpy butt"; and tennis champ Serena Williams [Fig. 1]. In a "Beach Body Showdown," Beyoncé beats Britney, because of her "star quality" thanks to her "chiseled abs." Moving on. In a poll of who should be the black James Bond, Will Smith won, but Diddy, Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx were all in the running. Diddy says, "I think James Bond should be sent on a mission to New York. He should meet me: black Bond." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is "torn between two men." She was seen flirting with Bradley Cooper — they have gone on a few dates and sent a few texts. "But there is one big problem," according to the mag: She's been back in touch with Brad Pitt. "Seeing Brad and talking to him opened up a whole can of worms for Jen, emotionally. She never really stopped loving him," says a source. Which Brad will she choose?!?! Lastly, "Katie's Baby Dream: Twins." Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are gonna try in vitro, and MAY have twins. "Katie wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but she didn't have the easiest pregnancy with Suri, so she isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies," says a source. And she is "thrilled" and Tom is "over the moon" about their nonexistent kids. Obviously.
Grade: D- (red card for insulting language)

Life & Style
"Jen Betrayed By Her Best Friend." Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been on Jen's side since her divorce from Brad Pitt. But! May 3rd, the couple attended a dinner at a friend's house and Brad was there and they totally talked to him!!! Then they spoke to him again later that night, backstage at a Chris Cornell concert. "It's got to be hurtful," notes psychologist Jean Cirillo, who does not treat Jen. "She seems like a sensitive person and Courteney should know that." What's worse, Courteney is hard at work on Cougar Town — a TV series about older women dating younger men — and Jen wants to make a movie called Pumas, about the same topic. Why is Courteney trying to make Jen's life miserable??!?!?! Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting "EVEN CLOSER," and there is proof, as you'll see in this picture of them squeezed into a limo together — the caption reads, "the costars sat with their legs touching," but it was either that or amputation! [Fig. 2] Bruce Jenner has a new face, have you seen it [Fig. 3]? Fifteen year old Ali Lohan is "turning into Lindsay" but really is just wearing her hand-me-downs [Fig. 4]. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Belly In Hollywood?" Pamela Anderson, 41 and mother of two, would "look fab" with the 26-year-old abs of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. [Fig. 5]
Grade: D (red card for foul play)

Us
"Kate & The Bodyguard." A source says Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and her bodyguard are sometimes "very physical, often touching each other." And! She was spotted "gently poking him, giving him little love pats, unlike slapping does with Jon." Meanwhile, TLC is struggling to retool the May 25th premiere of the show to "somehow reflect or acknowledge the current reality in an otherwise heavily produced 'reality' show." A source says of Jon: "He really hates her and is out to destroy her publicly." Someone saw him at a restaurant with Deanna Hummel, his purported mistress, and says, "He shouldn't have acted like that. He's a married man." Also, a source says when one of her kids was bleeding, Kate raised her arms and said, "can someone deal with this?" She didn't hug the child or call him by name, she acted "like he was a roach." Here is a fun before and after of Kate: [Fig. 6]. Also inside: Angelina is mad at Madonna. She's infuriated that her Madgesty is trying to adopt from Malawi because she thinks Madonna "is a blatant copycat" who is "coming from the wrong place." She thinks instead of caring about the child, Madonna is in it for the publicity. Lastly, this magazine has an ABSOLUTELY EPIC spread of how many times In Touch has had Brad and Angelina "fake news" on their "inventive" covers. Burn! [Fig. 7]
Grade: C (yellow card for unsporting behavior)

Star
"Inside Jon & Kate's Twisted Marriage!" Kate's brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider, talked to the mag because they think Kate is selling out the kids and they're worried about them. Jodi was on the show for 3 seasons and is "popular with fans." Apparently when Kate found out that Kevin and Jodi were getting compensated for appearing on the TV show, Kate freaked out and screamed, "No one is getting paid but us!" Anyway, Kevin told the mag that while they were filming the show, Jon and Kate would fight so much, the crew would have a hard time getting 15 minutes of usable footage out of an 8 hour shoot. Kevin says that Jon came over recently and said he believes Kate has been unfaithful — with the bodyguard, Steve. Jodi says Jon has wanted off the series for a while, but Kate wasn't about to let him off, with so much money at stake. So Kate offered Jon a contract — stating that he could have girlfriends — as long as he showed up for shoots. There's so much more... it goes on forever. But. Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar is 5 months pregnant and it's a girl. Kristen Stewart's boyfriend, Michael Angarano, visited her on the set of New Moon and asked her to marry him. She thinks she's too young to get hitched and wants to wait. She's 19; he's 21. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt knocked up with Jamie Kennedy's baby? She was spotted buying a pregnancy test at a CVS. And wearing flowy dresses. Blind item! "Which cable TV hunk had an affair with his on-screen wife? Now that production is back in schedule, will the couple, who both have significant others, pick up where they left off?" (Please don't let it be Jon Hamm!) Also inside: This mag says Rihanna thinks that the nude pictures of her were released by Chris Brown because he invited her to his birthday party and she didn't show up. Don't their problems run a little deeper than that? Next: "Shannen Doherty: Homewrecker!" She's dating the photographer who shot her Radar cover last summer, Kurt Iswarienko, and he filed for divorce from fashion designer Taryn Brand on Christmas Eve. Taryn's mom tells the mag, "Shannen broke up a marriage. That's all I'm going to say." Ashlee Simpson is pregnant again, according to multiple sources. This has the mag wondering if Jessica Simpson's belly is a baby "bump." [Fig. 8] Last, but not least: David Hasselhoff has a "deathwish." He went to the hospital SEVEN times last year for alcohol poisoning and a source says, "when the booze runs out, he moves on to cough syrup."
Grade: C+ (yellow card for blatant harassment)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Fig. 8

• David Hasselhoff now says it was not at all a serious thing when he registered a staggering .39 blood alcohol level the other night and was rushed to the hospital after his daughter called his ex-wife in a panic. In fact, his people say, his ex is just a terrible person for taking him to the emergency room. If people would just stop worrying about the TV star's poisonous blood, everything would be fine.
  
• Rihanna will not stage a big comeback concert in Dubai this month as originally planned. The timing is bad, she says. [Sun]
  
• Courtney Cox full-on talked to Brad Pitt all night with her husband even though she claims to be Jennifer Aniston's friend. She even smiled. And not even to get his guard down so she could stab him — sincerely. The whole scandalous, back-stabby incident was witnessed in incredulous italics. [P6]
  
• George Clooney says his bro so did not do that thing in that bar to those waitresses, they don't know what they're talking about and are just stirring up drama, probably to have the frat closed or something. He'll even take a lie detector test, no joke. [Us]
  
• Eminem told Vibe he used to take 10-20 Vicodin a day, and then he'd make his way to the Valium and Ambien. [Hollyscoop]

Berlin's most beloved singer went into rehab after that, but it didn't stick.

"'I called the clinic and discovered he had checked out. I knew I had to go to him. I chartered a private plane and flew from LA to Palm Springs.’ Pamela learned that David had been taken to a local hospital, but didn’t know which one. ‘I got into a taxi and went to every hospital until I found him.’

"She discovered later that he’d drunk the entire contents of the minibar and had been found by a maid, semi-conscious and half-naked on the floor. The police had been called. This sordid episode, like so many before, was covered up by Pamela and a team of minders."

And, says Bach, don't buy it if the Hoff seems to have gotten his act together lately: "To the woman who recently divorced him... Hasselhoff’s image as a self-aware, post-modern celebrity is a sham. ‘David is a falling-down drunk and I covered up for him for years. Alcoholism destroys you whether you are a regular Joe or the biggest star on the planet.’"

Dayum, lady. Get a blog! [Daily Mail]

Boomp3.com

Celebrity power blogger David Hasselhoff could barely step away from his laptop at breakfast this morning. In between bites of strawberries and toast, Hasselhoff said, "Nobody takes a minute off on the internet. You have to be there every minute of the day looking and hunting for the next big story. So, you have to make it work for you and here I am with my laptop and my wireless card looking to break more stories before I finish my breakfast than Perez does in a week." The Hoff appeared to be unconcerned about the syrup he spilled on his laptop since it's still under warranty at the Apple store.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

America's Got Talent judge David Hasselhoff got off to a rousing start of his second job, scaring tourists on London's South Bank. Hasseloff explained that he really isn't scaring the tourists as much as offering them a pleasant surprise and the opportunity to have their picture taken with a celebrity. Hasselhoff did admit that we were a rough patches in the beginning where he popped up from behind the embankment and there was nobody there. Hasselhoff felt a bit embarrassed, but he said that there's a learning curve with every new venture. Hasselhoff opened to have all the kinks worked out by lunch time on Thursday.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

In another humble attempt at becoming the world's coolest dad, David Hasselhoff managed to get his daughters and friends backstage at night two of this past weekend's Coachella music festival. The Hoff attempted to be on his best behavior in front of his children, but once he caught a bit of M.I.A.'s set and saw Prince, it reminded him of the time he performed on top of the Berlin Wall, only without the accents. It was at this point that The Hoff decided to make it rain with stacks and stacks of personalized Knight Rider era headshots, reportedly screaming at the top of his lungs, "It's 1985 again and I'm fucking back!"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

· Is it just Shia LaBeouf, or is it hotter than Hades around here? Ahhh, that's better. [imnotobsessed.com]
· Nicole Richie and the Good Charlotte brother who Paris Hilton is not fucking brought their baby to the festivities! We know: Best Coachers ever! [E! Online]
· David Hasselhoff sported a black eye and bruised arm, for unknown reasons, though we've heard rumors that someone may have gotten a little too enthusiastic in the Mark Ronson dance pit. Says the Hoff: "That guy is really hot. I wouldn't miss him." [Mirror.co.uk]
· "Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton Frolic At Coachella Afterparty." Yup, that's it. [AP]
· As always, we encourage you to send in your own Coachella PrivacyWatches. Here's one to get you rolling: Dita von Teese, behind us at will call, in a red and white sun dress and matching hat, skin the color of a marshmallow. [bumpshack.com]

"[A woman] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff...and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.'"

Even more embarrassing than the fact that Hasselhoff sends his poor PA to fetch women for him using an airbrushed 8x10 is the method he uses in narrowing in on a target. The sighting in question occurred in Manhattan after a group of women returned from a taping of America's Got Talent, the show Hoff judges and occasionally blesses with his vocal stylings. Which prompts us to take down a mental note: do not make eye contact with any "celebrity" judges at reality show tapings in the future. One polite smile in their direction may result in a head shot ambush.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• DAVID HASSELHOFF'S PICKUP GAME ISN'T SO HOT [Gatecrasher]

• Apparently hungry for attention in London, Paris Hilton declared Kim Kardashian's butt "disgusting, it reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag." Then she said Jessica Simpson's boobs were too big. Then she flashed her own boobs again outside a hotel; click here for a bigger shot (via WENN) if you're not bored of Hilton's nipples yet. [Sun]
• Christian Siriano from Project Runway said the girls on The Hills have fashion lines that are not "that great... I mean, it's fun and flirty and young, but they're not innovators. None of them will ever be an innovative designer." [Perez]
• Cameron Diaz lost her father suddenly and unexpectedly to pneumonia. Production of the actress' latest movie was shut down. TMZ, which broke the story, has not yet tried to make an awful joke about it. [TMZ]
• So Pete Wentz was lying when he denied Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. People now joins Us and OK! in saying the musicians are expecting a kid, and as the old journalism rule goes, three celebrity media sources is confirmation. Also, Wentz sidestepped a question about the rumors in an MTV interview rather than try and deny them again. [People]
• Now that he's made out with Perez Hilton, every single conquest of singer John Mayer will be second-guessed and possibly ridiculed. Which is kind of how things should be. The press is finally doing its job! [P6]
• This model's 12-year-old daughter wants a boob job, but the responsible mom is making the daughter wait until she's 16. [Sun]
• David and Victoria Beckham are sending their son to a Jewish school in LA. They're both half. Sort of. Not really: David's Mom's family was Jewish, but she doesn't practice. But he has a tattoo in Hebrew, and so does she. [Sun]
• David Hasselhoff's assistant tried to round up groupies for the TV star, then steal them. He failed at both. [Gatecrasher]