• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

UPDATE: It was No. 3! According to the New York Daily News, Giuliani intends to run for Kirsten Gillibrand's Senate seat next year. That news comes just hours after Hakim's report that he'd opted not to run for governor. Hakim is probably pretty pissed right now.

It certainly seems strange that Giuliani would bow out now; he's been open about his interest in the job since August, and the path to nomination appears to be clear if he wants it. Plus, Bernard Kerik just pleaded guilty, eliminating the likelihood that unpleasant and distracting disclosures about their relationship would come out at trial. Here's some baseless speculation on why he bailed:

• Governing New York would be a shit-show, and could only be a liability for a 2012 presidential run. This is undoubtedly true—who wants to wrestle with a Democratic legislature for two years and preside over devastating budget cuts? But Giuliani knew this back in August, when he launched the whisper campaign, so it doesn't explain the sudden withdrawal. And the upsides in positioning himself for a run against Obama in 2012 are considerable: His governorship would be presented against the backdrop of a massive terror trial in New York City that he could nitpick on a daily basis as a shameful spectacle and hang around Obama's neck.
• He doesn't think he can beat Andrew Cuomo. According to Pollster.com, the most recent public poll around the time Giuliani started nosing around the governor's desk had Cuomo—New York's popular attorney general, who is likely to challenge Gov. David Paterson for the Democratic nomination—beating him by five points with 11 percent undecided, which amounts to a toss-up this far out from election day. A poll taken last week had Cuomo up by 12 points, with 6 percent undecided. And while 49% of New Yorkers say they want Cuomo to run for governor, only 32% say they want to see Giuliani's name on the ballot. Those are much less hospitable numbers, but still close to meaningless a year from election day. And Giuliani has amply demonstrated that he's a cruel dick who delights in destroying people, so it's certainly not like him to shrink from a chance to rough up Cuomo.
• He wants to run for Senate instead. The Senate was Giuliani's initial job choice after mayor, before God gave him prostate cancer and he had to bow out. And Sen. Kristen Gillibrand, who was appointed by Paterson to replace Hillary Clinton, is a weak incumbent with just a two-year track record to tout. Giuliani's close adviser Tony Carbonetti ruled out a Senate bid back in September, but maybe he's changed his mind. He's crushing Gillibrand in the polls right now, and the Senate could be a better place from which to prepare a 2012 presidential bid, lacking as it does all the unpleasantness associated with actually governing a nearly ungovernable state.
• He would prefer to secretly make millions of dollars from former cocaine smugglers and Arab dictators through Giuliani Partners, his consulting firm. Sounds like a plan, although most of those clients only pay those millions of dollars as a bet that one day he'll be governor of New York, or president.
• He doesn't want to run for president in 2012 against Sarah Palin, so why bother? He lost his first bid for the Replublican nomination for a reason: He's a gay-loving abortionist whose name ends in a vowel and whose children hate him. The ever-diminishing number of angry people who describe themselves as Republicans are going to flock to Palin over him. And maybe he's betting that terrorism—the only thing that he can flog on his resume, despite the fact that his role in the 9/11 attacks is more properly described as disaster management than anything to do with combating terrorism—won't be as ripe an issue on which to base a campaign in 2012.
• He's about to be indicted. Please?

Murdoch made the bizarre comment at a Wall Street Journal conference earlier this week, and he called Paterson in Albany yesterday to, in Paterson's words, apologize "like a gentleman." Which is odd, because in Murdoch-world, gentlemen do not apologize—they attack, destroy, and admit nothing. Murdoch's newfound willingness to eat crow—remember that he also apologized for the New York Post's cartoon depicting President Barack Obama as a dead chimpanzee—is disconcerting to those of us who make a living in part from chronicling his vile behavior. Is he growing a conscience?

An anonymous Paterson aide told the New York Daily News that the governor considered Murdoch's remark a "random misstatement," which points to a more likely explanation for the News Corp. CEO's odd behavior of late: The old man is losing it. We look forward to more random misstatements in the near future.

Murdoch was on a panel with Indian mogul Ratan Tata and Mexican billionaire and future New York Times owner Carlos Slim. The question that elicited Murdoch's bizarre reference to New York Gov. David Paterson was clearly directed at Fox News: "How do we bring more civil discourse to the discussion, and stop appealing to the populists on the right and the left?"

One way would be to not pay people millions of dollars to pursue bizarre conspiracy theories and call the first black president a racist—but that's not the Murdoch way! No, Murdoch's slurred, barely coherent answer blamed politicians, including Paterson, who, it's important to note, is "blind, and can't read braille, and doesn't know what's going on." And therefore is responsible for the lack of civil discourse in our political conversation. Class act. Good thing Murdoch has leftie liaison Gary Ginsberg at hand to smooth this over for him.

We're just going to throw this out there: Rupert Murdoch is not well. This senseless gaffe, on top of his strange and uncomprehending assertion last week that Barack Obama is indeed a racist just like Glenn Beck said and that no one at Fox News has ever compared Obama to Stalin when they obviously do on a nearly nightly basis, make him seem strange and muddled. He's getting old, and it's showing.

The conference had another highlight—Slim's defensive and belittling discussion of his minority stake in the New York Times. Asked why he loaned a quarter of a billion dollars to the struggling paper, Slim responded with a casual, "Why not?" before nearly interrupting the panel's moderator to point out that on top of a 14% interest rate, he'd received warrants in the deal. Asked to elaborate on the value of media investments, Slim started with, "I think the New York Times will pay. It was credit, with a high yield, and warrants." How reassuring. Slim did offer a perfunctory defense of the Times as a business, calling it one of the best newspapers in the world. Then he offered to lend money to the Wall Street Journal at 12%, two points better than he gave to the Times.

First of all: two awesome TV ads. Governor Paterson looks so much more professional clean-shaven, right? We miss the mustache though. The first ad is all "I never asked to be governor and also I have too won some political victories" and the second one is mostly "look, you don't actually know anything about this man, so we will tell you that he was very smart and went to Columbia and stuff."

But why TV ads, now? Because he would like to raise money. And you have to spend campaign money to make money.

Ickes was, maybe, the most reality-based of the triumvirate of assholes who destroyed Hillary Clinton's dreams, but he was also the guy still running around in June of 2008 crowing about how superdelegates and his magical maps of Michigan meant certain victory for the White Lady of Experience.

Still: he was and is not Mark Penn. For the most part, Paterson has hired the Good Clinton People, leaving the Bad Clinton People to Bloomberg and evil PR firms and the Wall Street Journal and little talking head boxes on Fox News.

Meanwhile, the Governor is preparing to push for gay marriage again. And it will fail, spectacularly. This is maybe a smart way to point out how evil and useless everyone else in Albany is, and how that is not even the governor's fault, or it is maybe just him trying to fuck with the State Senate because he hates them.

As soon as the New York Times broke the news of New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's habit of patronizing high-end call girls on the afternoon of March 10, 2008, his communications director Christine Anderson pretty much knew she was out of a gig. But along with managing the media frenzy surrounding Spitzer, she also had a new boss, Gov. David Paterson, who almost immediately stirred up his own press storm by disclosing past affairs and drug use.

But before all that happened, Anderson was getting buried with requests for Spitzer. Among the first out of the gate was Matthew Zimmerman, Matt Lauer's booker at the Today show. He didn't land the exclusive Spitzer interview everyone was clamoring for—that went to CNN's Fareed Zakaria a year later—but in the course of pursuing the get, Zimmerman casually mentioned to Anderson that he'd be more than happy to help her find work at NBC News. He also turned up his nose at a shot at Paterson just hours before news broke of Paterson's past infidelities, at which point Zimmerman immediately did a 180 and begged for an interview with Paterson. Because governors are boring unless they're fucking people they shouldn't be fucking.

Read on to see how the exchange unfolded in e-mails, which we obtained by filing a public records for correspondence between the press and Spitzer's communications office during the crisis.

This is Zimmerman's first e-mail seeking the interview that every news producer wanted, just a few hours after the Spitzer story broke. It has the standard expression of sympathy common to television bookers ("I'm sorry to be reaching out to you in such circumstances") but reminds Anderson that he's not your run of the mill news lackey: "I am Matt Lauer's producer at NBC." Anderson politely brushed him off with a terse "will get back to you as soon as I can," which considering the circumstances could be a way of saying don't hold your breath.

Two days later, Zimmerman and Lauer decided to up their efforts and go the direct route. Lauer had written "a personal note" to Spitzer, and Zimmerman wanted to know if he should it "walk it over" to Anderson's office or leave it with his Spitzer's doorman. Anderson says, "Feel free."

Five days later, on March 17, Spitzer's resignation became effective and Paterson was elevated from lieutenant governor to become the first African American governor of New York. Zimmerman circled back to thank Anderson for "all her help" during the crisis of the previous week, and to let her know that he's thinking about her. Anderson wrote back to say she heard Today was interested in talking to the first African American governor of New York, and she seemed to be willing to entertain the idea. How about it? At this point, though, Paterson was, in national news terms, the previously unknown politician who had replaced the celebrity governor who had been accused of sleeping with a hooker. Zimmerman's response to the offer is underwhelming and puzzling: "Believe it or not, I think it might have been related to the weather for Gov. Paterson... I'll check with Missy Dunlop who would be handling that request." The weather?

We're not sure what Zimmerman's "weather" comment referred to, but it could have been to this request of March 15 from another producer for Paterson to appear on the weekend edition of Today to talk to Lester Holt about the crane collapse that had killed seven people in Manhattan that day. Weather, cranes—both involve things falling from the sky, right? In any event, Zimmerman didn't exactly jump at the chance to book Paterson for Lauer, and Dunlop's request was for Weekend Today, which has a different staff. The Spitzer story had sex, scandal—the things people want to see Matt Lauer talking about at 7 o'clock in the morning. Paterson was kind of boring.

And Today has shown that it can be picky about the governors it books. We know they spurned an interview with some another lame boring governor who would become newsworthy because of scandal just a few hours later. Back in December 2008, Today had booked Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on what turned out to be the morning of his arrest by FBI agents. But they bumped him at the last minute in order to make room for a segment flogging the announcement of Jay Leno's 10 p.m. show.

But back to the conversation Anderson and Zimmerman were having on March 17. Once Anderson told Zimmerman that she wouldn't be sticking around the governor's office, Zimmerman—who seemed to be aware that Anderson once worked as a producer for Good Morning America—thoughtfully offered to help her secure a new job: "If you ever want to get back into tv (and not ABC!) let me know and i can see about openings here."

Gosh, that was nice of him, wasn't it? Then, in the very next sentence after he offered to help her get a job, he got back to business, letting Anderson know that he'd been in touch with a flack at Sard Verbinnen & Co., the PR shop that Spitzer's law firm hired to handle media requests, and expressing doubt about his chances. But Anderson promised to keep Zimmerman "apraised" of Spitzer's thinking, and thanked him for the "kind offer."

Was it a generous and human thing to do for Zimmerman to offer to keep his ears open on the job front? Yes, it was. Was he also trying to get Anderson to help him secure access to Spitzer at the same time? Yes, he was. Both things are true, and the casualness with which he made the offer speaks volumes about the relationships between flacks and—oh, who are we kidding? It's Today.

Anderson's quip about how dealing with a hooker disclosure is nothing compared to working for Shelley Ross, the legendarily horrible producer who was her boss at GMA, gave them a chance to gossip together. Zimmerman joked about how awesome it must be for Spitzer that former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's one-time aide recently claimed that he'd engaged in threeways with McGreevey and his wife. There would be more news to take the pressure off Spitzer in just a few hours....

...when the Daily News story detailing Paterson's past marital troubles hit the web that night. All of a sudden, Zimmerman was much more keen on having Matt Lauer talk to the first African American governor of New York on the Today show, because he had screwed state employees in the past. Anderson hadn't even seen the story yet, so Zimmerman sent it to her.

Anderson promptly forwarded it along to political consultants Ryan Toohey and Jeff Pollock to brainstorm how to spin it. Hilarity ensues: "Unreal." "Ideas?"

Neither Spitzer nor Paterson ended up appearing on Today during the height of the scandal, and Anderson wound up getting a job as vice president of communications at the Blackstone Group, a private equity firm. But eventually Today got their man: Spitzer sat down with Lauer this past April as part of his public image rehab campaign and told the nation that there were "no excuses" for his behavior.

Zimmerman didn't respond to requests for comment, and Anderson declined to comment.

Gaspard, who is besties with Cuomo, had a little meeting with Paterson last week. Paterson apparently neglected to decide on the spot to hand the the governor's mansion over to a legacy admission, and so, a week later, the White House arranged a front-page New York Times story on how the White House did not support this stupid incompetent unpopular Democratic governor of New York (half of whose staff is currently made up of Hillary Clinton vets).

And that was stupid. Because this is not Chicago and people do not take kindly to Rahm Emanuel muscling in on local matters. And Paterson would have to be an incredibly weak-willed and self-loathing politician to decide to step aside now. It's incredible to imagine that no one in the White House foresaw the Times gambit making the Governor dig in, but that appears to be what happened. And there is precedent:

Lloyd Grove, who's been around, remembers when Rahm tried this exact same tactic with a conservative Democratic senator in 1993. That little Senator grew up to be Richard Shelby, still a senator from Alabama, but now a Republican. (This tone-deaf approach to political hardball also suggests that Rahm is much better at whipping up support in the House than in the incredibly self-important and thin-skinned Senate.)

To be fair, everyone is out to get Paterson. He is not really that great at governing, but this state is currently ungovernable, as the dearly departed Eliot Spitzer could also attest to. And the mess in this state is actually the fault of Malcolm Smith, Pedro Espada, Dean Seklos, Ruben Diaz, and lady-slasher Hiram Monserrate. Everyone would like David to politely step aside but he is kind of justifiably angry at everyone in the world for treating him like shit and blaming him for all sorts of things that are not so much his fault, and as long as people continue yelling at him and calling him names he will continue to pretend that he is going to run for governor.

Also who wants to be told to step aside for Chris Andrew Cuomo? (Whatever they are ALL terrible.) Ugh!

One thing Karl Rove and his Bush Administration were really good at was meddling in local politics. Until his power evaporated in 2006, Karl basically ran various local Republican parties across the entire nation, telling them who to run for what offices and doing everything in his power to strengthen that permanent Republican majority that has guided us through these troubled times.

Rahm Emanuel, theoretically, should be playing this same part in the Obama administration. But if he is, he is not doing it so well! Like with poor Jon Corzine (who might pull this one out still!) and now with this Paterson mess. Obviously the White House doesn't think Paterson will win reelection, and they would prefer a Democrat to be the Governor of New York, but this is not how you handle this situation.

Fred Dicker thinks they panicked because Obama does not want to face Giuliani in 2012,? Or they think that Giuliani on the ballot in 2010 will be energize New York Republicans and then they will all vote against various Democratic congressmen or something. But that is ridiculous. Giuliani is unelectable. (He was polling double digits behind McCain in the 2008 New York Republican primary!) If Rudy ran against Paterson the embattled governor would suddenly be the most popular man in the state.

Hah, maybe Hillary does want to be governor?

"The boss hears from two sources," Goldfarb says, "that Hillary Clinton is considering stepping down as Secretary of State this fall in order to run for Governor of New York."

"The boss" is... Weekly Standard founder Bill Kristol, right? If Bill Kristol says it, than it is the opposite of true. That is the only constant in American Politics. But on the other hand, the guy does know from women politicians who quit things early.

No, seriously, this doesn't make sense. She has one of the best political jobs in the world already, New York State is a mess and governing it is a shitty job, and, uh, David Paterson's staff is 75% Clinton vets. If Paterson gives up early and Cuomo reveals that he killed Jonbenet Ramsey then maybe this happens.

(We'd maybe be a little more inclined to believe it if Murdoch still owned the magazine! But even then it'd be in Page Six, wouldn't it?)

In an effort to test the waters, Giuliani has been meeting with Republican leaders and even convinced the state's Republican Party chairman Joseph N. Mondello to resign so that his friend, Henry F. Wojtaszek, can take the position. In addition, Giuliani held a meeting with leaders in Buffalo and told them that he will decide his fate over the course of the next 30-60 days. It shouldn't take that long.

There's very little chance that current Governor David Paterson will run, because only 32% of New York voters view him in a favorable light. And, more importantly, he's trailing 65-23% when pitted against his most-likely challenger, Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. It's unlikely the state's Democratic party would pick Paterson over Cuomo. It's just common sense. So, let's assume Cuomo runs... Giuliani's people insist he's not thinking about the competition, but you know that's just talk. How could he not be eyeing Cuomo, who's approval ratings are sky high: 67% of Empire State residents gave him the thumbs up at the end of June, only a slight dip from his personal high of 71% in March.

Even if Giuliani's not worried about current polls, he should remember the presidential primary. In January of last year, about 40% of New Yorkers said they would likely vote for John McCain, Giuliani's then-rival. That's not very inspiring for Giuliani, who liked to highlight his post-9/11 leadership abilities, which inspired his ridiculous "America's Mayor" projection.

As if that's not enough, there's another Cuomo-related hurdle: the Clintons. Cuomo worked as President Bill Clinton's Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Then, during last year's primaries, Cuomo was a voracious Hillary Clinton supporter.

The Clintons remember their friends (and their enemies), so we're assuming the power couple would throw their weight behind Cuomo. Yes, Giuliani has become tight with Sarah Palin, but even the former Alaska Governor is no match for the Clinton machine. And that machine which will no doubt be handy when it comes to raising campaign for Cuomo, who as of last month had $5.1 million on hand.

Giuliani would be much better off remaining in the private sector, where he can lord over his two companies — both of which he would have to abandon should he choose to run — and make thousands giving motivational and policy speeches. Of course, this is politics and things could change at any moment, especially if Giuliani asks current NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg to be his running mate, as many believe he will.

Still, we're not convinced Giuliani should run. But he probably will, because he's a cocky kind of guy and if he's delusional enough to think he could be president, he's absolutely convinced the Governor's mansion has his name on it.

Yes, Paterson is right now throwing down at Taj in Chelsea. When asked if there was a special event going on at the club tonight, perhaps a fundraiser or something, Tionna said no and that it's just Taj's regular ole Wednesday night party.

Its that event that goes down every wednesday...Its not big enough for the Governor to go through and be there. He need to get his ass home...Then they wonder why people dont want black people in the office? I dont understand this at all.

Tionna then forwarded us the text of the party invite sent out by the club promoter:

It's a big night at "Cocktails w Jessica!"
RHONDA COWAN is having her
2nd Annual "Birthday Cocktails"
VH1 Soul's BREEZE is having
"Farewell Cocktails"
& Badboy's own DONTAY THOMPSON is having "Birthday Cocktails"
Music by Deejay Logic &
special guest FUNKMASTER FLEX!
Mic flava - Frank Jugga
The festivities will be major
Ciroc in the building

Wednesday, July 29th

TAJ LOUNGE

Well, in Paterson's defense, Funkmaster Flex is in the house. Really, who could possibly resist that?

And thanks for the tip Tionna! All of us at Gawker are excited for your upcoming VH1 reality show with Chilli from TLC. You go girl! We love you.





Photo via Tionna Smalls' Facebook

• This is the worst. The absolute worst. Kate Major, Jon Gosselin's new ladyfriend, is vehemently denying a "callgirl" past. Personally, I'd be far more in spin cycle over the fact that I used to report for Star and am currently taking out my lunatic, attention-hungry succubus impulses on a guy with eight kids and a scorned wife going through the nation's most visible mid-life crisis, but that's just me. At least there're sex workers out there with dignity. That being said, Rush & Malloy's source for this item about Kate Major maybe or maybe not turning tricks is a guy named Chaunce Hayden. Hayden's a Grade-A sleazeball running his own ragtag publication - called Steppin' Out - that's like a city weekly for Hoboken sent from the seventh circle of hell. It's dreadful. And every week, Chaunce fills our tips line with what can only be described as the absolute worst shit I've ever seen in my entire life as far as anything trying to pass itself off as a magazine goes. It's dreadful. But Chaunce (pictured, above) is persistent, and it looks like he finally got some suckers - Rush & Malloy - to buy his story, or at least print what amounts to a shameless plug and - like we're doing now - contribute to a feeding frenzy of information about Kate Major. Chaunce, please stay the fuck away from us. If what we do here is like itching powder, or maybe like throwing a fistful of sand, the information you put out into the world is an obscure venereal disease. Please stop writing into our tips line, and kindly go the fuck away. You just peaked, homie. Rush & Malloy: Steppin' Out? Really? Next time, I can do the old (terrible, classic) Jim Carrey/talking ass routine and give you a quote that way. It'd be far more credible. [R & M]
  
  
• And speaking of what we do around here, right below the aforementioned item about Kate Major: "On Friday, when Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell's spokesman Chuck Ardo resigned, Ardo insisted his retirement had nothing to do with Gawker and other sites putting Rendell on their short list of pols who may be Governor X. Ardo told The D.C. Write Up that Rendell is not the new luv guv - 'no way, no how, no place, no time.'" Heh. Cajun, nice work. Your handicapping skills go unparalleled, as that's the kind of denial that would absolutely merit a 15:1 bet on Rendell. My money's still on Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons, if only for homestate pride and his "shake a ho" past. Also, I've got a fiver on Charlie Crist, just 'cause. [R & M]
  
  
• Charles Manson wants to be a pop star, and now that Phil Spector's been deemed by a court of law a fellow murdering psychopath, he wants to enlist Spector's help to write the album of the century. If Manson can take being smacked around and ending up like Ronnie Spector, sure, why not? Give it a shot, guys. Spector's later work was nothing to write home about, but solitary confinement might actually be conducive to recreating that whole "Wall of Sound" thing Spector did waybackwhen. Meanwhile, Warren Beatty will still kick the shit out of both of you, no questions asked. [Page Six]
  
  
• Walter Fuckin' Cronkite: dead for slightly over a week, and he's in a gossip roundup. Unreal. Yes, there's a Rush & Malloy item to be made of this, too, as it appears that at his funeral, his kids - who didn't want him to marry after his wife of 65 years passed away in 2005 - sat a good distance from opera singer Joanna Simon, his squeeze at the time he passed away and Carly Simon's sister. [Ed. Note: Mom, this gossip item was, like, written for you.] Now, while your normal New York Times-reading elderly couple don't boogie, I seriously doubt that was Cronkite, but there's nothing we have to verify that. Meanwhile, Simon's apparently not in his will, which is maybe or maybe not what the kids wanted. Anyway: Walter Cronkite, in a gossip roundup. How do we feel about this? Terrible? [R & M]
  
  
• Jesus. What's wrong with this sentence about Jon Gosselin? Seriously: "'My heart is always with Hailey,' the dad of eight told Us at the 2009 Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge at Blue Star Jets field in Bridgehampton, New York Saturday. (Glassman, 22, is the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed ex-wife Kate's free tummy tuck.)" No, not the fact that the dude's publicly in love with a 22 year-old daughter of a plastic surgeon who performed a tummy tuck on his wife who popped out eight bebeighs, it's that he's in the Hamptons, watching Polo. I think the Sunday Styles has a Delta Force ready to handily dispatch of (by which we mean: kill) on occasions like this. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Heh. Michael K. from D-Listed calls J-Lo's husband, Marc Anthony, "Skeletor." [D-Listed]
  
  
• And: you ready to get choked up? Frank McCourt, who died last Sunday, also makes the gossip roundup. Bill Clinton used to write him birthday cards, as they shared the same day (August 19th). Furthermore, this: "McCourt seemed prepared for takeoff when he visited him a week before his death. Silenced by meningitis, McCourt wrote on a bedside tablet that he was looking forward to dancing 'this Sabbath and every Sabbath' with Mary Magdalene, 'J.C.' and an apostolic jazz band he called the '12 Hot Boys.'" He could really do so little wrong. [R & M]
  
  
• Somehow, Star Jones helped David Paterson raise $50K. Paterson's approval ratings are in the shitter, and Jones threw some kind of shindig for him in East Hamtpon. Good to know he's still got the important people backing him. Like Star Jones. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss is going to be a judge on a Battle of the Bands-esque show in which she finds the most strung-out assfaces alive who're just sober enough to play a few decent chords - like this - and give 'em a recording contract and hopefully, a bag full of crazy that that can bump, spike, smoke, or play with like silly putty. Then: send them on tour. Genius. One question: why Kate Moss? OH. SHE USED TO DATE PETE DOHERTY. I get it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Susan Boyle: made her way out of the gossip roundup top spots, seemingly doing okay. Things that make me happy: SuBo doing swell. Nice. [ShowbizSpy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler has a quote in Parade about grabbing Katherine Heigl's boob. [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Jessica Simpson shares a cute moment with her dog and TMZ turns it into a joke about "rebounding being a bitch." Assy. [TMZ]
  
  
• INDIE ROCK FAIL: Damon Albarn says that he won't play any more Blur gigs after the band's recent reunion. Meanwhile, here is the Blur song you should listen to for the rest of this roundup. [The Sun]
  
  
• Though their comparison of Kate Gosselin to Barry Manilow is...shocking? Still sleazy, but worth a link, if you can pay the moral by-the-pound weight of clicking. [TMZ]
  
  
• Meanwhile, here's a cute picture of her playing with Play-Doh. I used to eat Play-Doh. Now I'm here. Logical progression? Non-toxic my ass. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Paris Hilton - who I've grown a strange affection for over the last year, because she decided to get out of the game, like Jay-Z, and kind of makes returns here or there but is never totally back, just enough to keep gossip mongers wanting a little bit more - might be dating one of the guys from Little Britian. This is inexplicably neat. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• The Chelsea Hotel is haunted, notes wackadoo King of New York director Abel Ferrara. Ferrara did a documentary about the Chelsea Hotel called Chelsea on the Rocks, and it was supposed to come out a while back, but I guess it got pushed back? Either way, it should be pretty good, if only because Ferrara's kind of nuts. Someone at my day gig interviewed him last year, and he had the following to say about Vincent Gallo: "I don't like Vincent Gallo...I know him. You know? ‘Cause I introduced him to [my girlfriend, Shannon], and he asked her to marry him after a day. But she didn't bother telling me. You know, he's a punk, man. He's just a punk. What'd he do? Hit this reporter the other day? I heard he like slammed this chick, right? This kid's not right. Right? Right? Because he said that she didn't like his leather jacket. Smashed some chick in the face! [Editor's Note: Vincent Gallo did not actually, physically attack anyone.] You know what I'm saying? But I mean, you know, what can I say about the kid? I don't wanna talk about him." And that's why you should see Ferrara's movie. [Page Six]

The Democrats and Republicans keep convening separately, having moments of silence, and then gaveling out because they don't have a quorum. But! Hey! Victory for Governor Paterson!

State Supreme Court Justice Joseph Teresi handed Gov. David Paterson a significant victory this afternoon, ruling that each and every member of the deadlocked state Senate - all 62 of them - must convene at the same time in the chamber when the governor calls an extraordinary session.

Teresi ordered the entire Senate to convene at 10 a.m. tomorrow, and called the separate, gavel-in/gavel-out sessions the warring factions have been holding since last week "a fiction" and "an illusion."

But! The attorney for Senate Republicans will appeal tomorrow, and that apparently means the Republicans do not have to show up tomorrow for work.

Meanwhile, hah, Mayor Bloomberg's control over the schools will end tomorrow, and New York City will not be able to balance its budget because the sales tax increase is not even included on the list of legislation that the Democrats can't even pass anyway.

But population growth downstate and population decline upstate means that the Democrats will have a healthy majority in 2013. Hah, if there is a "fair" redistricting process, which, good fucking luck.

Not that any public statement this woman makes on her disastrous senate "run" can be believed, but on Today today the Princess of Camelot said "nonsense" to charges that Rose and whatever the others ones are named push her around.

"Anybody who knows my children and knows me knows that that is absolute nonsense," said Ms. Kennedy, who was appearing to promote this year's winners of the Profile in Courage Award, founded to honor her father, former President John F. Kennedy.

"All in all, it was a great experience for me," Ms. Kennedy added. "I know you may find that hard to believe, but I met a lot of interesting people, I saw, you know, how much there is to do."

And when asked what had driven her to withdraw abruptly in January, Ms. Kennedy deflected the question.

"That was the right decision," Ms. Kennedy said, adding, "When you make the right decision, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks."

And when faced with a question on David Paterson, the guy who embarrassed the nation by jerking around a woman who thought she was entitled to be appointed to a Senate seat for no reason in particular, she was all annoyed! "As I said, I've moved on, I'm looking on to, you know, what I can to, and hopefully I will be able to be, you know, courageous in my future services," she said. And then she bit Matt Lauer's face off and the world rejoiced. Except she was appearing via remote so that didn't actually happen.

Anyway, breaking, Paterson and the press are still the actual real-life reasons Caroline gave up the Senate thing.

Joseph Maioriello of Schenectady was fired from his cushy $34k-a-year gig as "State Senate photographer" when Paterson replaced a white guy as minority leader. He was replaced with a black guy. So he sued for $1.5 million!

He did not get that much money, in the settlement. Also there is still no such thing as "reverse discrimination."

Everyone in the world hates David Paterson more than even the swine flu, but we still kinda like him, because of things like this:

Paterson, who is legally blind, claimed in a sworn deposition that he didn't see well enough to have fired Maioriello because of his race.

A spokesman for Paterson later said the comment was "a quip, a joke."

Hah, he used a Colbert joke in a sworn deposition. This fuckin' governor!

GOP head Michael Steele, who accidentally supported gay rights before he was elected chairman of the RNC, declined to speak at the annual convention of the Log Cabin Republicans. So instead they got Meghan McCain, noted huge fatty and budding pundit. Meghan, as a person below 40 who was not raised by religious zealots, supports gay civil rights. But as her dad, and as the group she is to be speaking before, have learned, you have no future in the Republican party as a leader of any stripe if you believe gay people aren't gross hedonists who should really just be grateful we're letting them on our competitive singing programs now and not get greedy, rights-wise.

So. In addition to the convention on Friday, the Log Cabin Republicans are launching a marriage campaign here in New York next month! Just in time for Governor David Paterson to watch his gay marriage bill be beached on the shoals of the state senate!

In Albany, bills are not introduced until they have enough votes to actually pass, so that no one may ever hear any debate on them, which might make legislators look bad. Gay marriage passed the Assembly once before, and could do so again, but in the Senate, a couple assholes will make sure it stalls. Because, you know, we've all seen how Vermont and Iowa have completely gone to seed this month.

Anyway, in our experience, Log Cabin Republicans are a pretty fun group, so def hit up this conference. Meghan's totally single, guys, so it wouldn't even make you gay, to attend.

The move was telegraphed last week. It's relatively rare in New York politics for the governor to introduce a bill without being assured in advance that it will pass, but Paterson has decided to take a risk and let the legislature and senate fight it out.

Eliot Spitzer introduced a gay-marriage bill in 2007 that passed the state assembly but died in the senate. Paterson is reportedly considering introducing the same measure.

Paterson's proposal could meet the same fate, though given the momentum behind gay marriage measures in New England, there could be considerable pressure for the senate to at least let it come up for a vote. And former senate majority leader Joe Bruno, who shut down Spitzer's measure, is no longer around to muck it up.

The beauty of the legislative approach to gay marriage, as opposed to seeking justice in the courts, is that right-wing refuseniks can't hide behind the "legislating from the bench" canard. There's not much they can do but declare defeat when the forces of sin win by legislating from the legislature.

Yes, he did! See, New York Gov. David Paterson is in his office there surrounded by pictures of Mr. Magoo—another blind man, who was blind, like David Paterson's blind. Ha, burn, Paterson! You are so blind. Sean Delonas Pwns the government fat cats again!

No idea why our blind governor is pictured looking over at the taxpayer here. Ask Sean Delonas. [NYP via Balk]

Charles O'Byrne was Paterson's Chief of Staff, and also the guy who helped the notoriously unorganized and slightly scatterbrained Guv maintain order and exercise his authority. So of course he as forced to resign because of a TAX SCANDAL and since then Paterson's been beaten up in the press and the statehouse every day for months.

Well, O'Byrne is back. He is now an unpaid "volunteer" but he is running the political operation, once again, and everyone went to his birthday party, this weekend, to prove that there are no hard feelings about that whole "running him out of Albany" thing.

But Ben Smith apparently found this awesome letter, framed, on the wall of O'Byrne's apartment. It is like an epic poem!

3/31/09

Dear Charles,

In half a century, greater than half a life lived, bred-in-the-bone prodigious talent ceaselessly cultivated, not flashed but sustained through a course varied in path but common with unsurprising success, a Renaissance man born for every era, a midwife of opportunity to unseen numbers, the seat of superlatives, taking to the oars to better the wind on the banks of the crimson sea, calming the tide beneath and below, bridging the fault between knowledge and life, building the bridge between time and generations, seeding consistent bloom in Morningside Heights, razing the bonds of idle minds, fearless bastion of pride, never looking back at the wake of night, sowing light at dawn and saying to life, "yes I will."

Our eyes and minds may drift from the sun, but it is always there, and without it we are lost. The devoted acts carried forth through your inimintable drive and enigmatic gifts have revealed an even more magnificent heart incapable of denial from even the upmost reaches of your illumination.

[Signed]
David Paterson

Holy shit. What, Governor? "Seeding consistent blom in Morningside Heights"? "The upmost reaches of your illumination"? Ok! You got our vote!