1. "Which multi Oscar winning actor scared a mole to death by gatecrashing a drinking session purposefully hidden from his legendary 'party hands'?He rumbled their plans and ended up matching them drink for drink, making increasingly smutty suggestions to a mole who bailed out at 4am and went to his hotel room. He was woken up after 10 minutes by xxxxx xxxxx in boxers shorts, clutching a bag of skunk and demanding 'entry.'" [Holy Moly]

2. "In related news, this former B list television actress and now a well known D has a side gig as a business person. Not wanting anyone to know who she is when she calls she uses a different name other than her very recognizable real one." [CDaN]

3. "What mom and former A list television actress and now a C list joke answered her front door to trick or treaters in a shirt that exposed all when she reached for candy. Moms and dads were not amused. OK, well maybe the dads were amused. I mean she is again but they probably still took a look." [CDaN]

4. "There were reports that this couple split up recently. Apparently, she had enough of his double life. But while they really have broken up, expect to continue to see them together occasionally. They are simply fulfilling commitments they made to their publicists to attend certain key events." [Blind Gossip]

5. "This married former A list television actress and now a struggling C has been trying anything and everything to get a television show for herself. Not reality. She wants a talk show and there is only one person standing in her way. That person is a former reality star turned sometime actress who is actually much more famous than the preceding description would lead you to believe. Our former A list actress never misses the chance to talk smack about her perceived competition and will say anything to anyone to have the chance to host the show." [CDaN]

6. "Long time readers of Holy Moly may remember a story we ran in 1996 about an up-and-coming actor earning a crust by recording scripts for gay sex chatlines. The fact that he was going under an assumed name hasn't stopped the guy he recorded with getting in touch again. We'd forgotten all about him to be honest but, now he's a new reality TV star, the tapes are now hot property. The mole adds: 'I asked him if he was gay, he said he wasn't fussy. We ended up energetically recreating our fictional work later on that evening in a cheap hotel. I am so not proud.'" [Holy Moly]

UP IN THE AIR
The Story: A romantic tale of what happens when a frequent-flying corporate downsizing consultant (George Clooney) faces life on the ground
The Pitch: In the Company of Men meets Love Happens
Who It's For: Grown ups, some in business suits.
Cause for Hope: It's currently the Oscar front-runner for whatever that's worth.
Cause for Concern: Spliced-in interviews with actual lay-off victims are put slight damper on ensuing hilarity.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 8

EVERYBODY'S FINE
The Story: A widowed man (Robert De Niro) hits the road to repair his relationships with his grown up children.
The Pitch: Terms of Endearment meets Analyze This
Who It's For: People don't live in cities where Up In the Air is opening.
Cause for Hope: With each new bad choice, the chances increase that that De Niro will stumble into a good movie soon.
Cause for Concern: The combined awkwardness of De Niro, Kate Beckinsale and Drew Barrymore trying to create touching feel good moments could actually cause injury to unprepared viewers.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 3

ARMORED
The Story: A group of security guards plan to heist their own armored truck.
The Pitch: Heat meets Police Academy
Who It's For: Hard core heist enthusiasts only.
Cause for Hope: Very strong cast for a B-genre film including Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishburne, Skeet Ulrich and the return of the much missed Fred Ward.
Cause for Concern: Sadness that all the above are in this movie may drive one to despair.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 3

BROTHERS
The Story: When a marine (Toby Maguire) is taken captive, his wife (Natalie Portman) believes him to be dead and finds comfort with his deadbeat brother (Jake Gyllenhaal).
How Did This Happen: Coming Home meets Beautiful Girls
Who It's For: Strong intense drama fans
Cause for Hope: Solid cast including Sam Sheppard and director Jim Sheridan is always formidable.
Cause for Concern: Story may be too gimmicky by half; Natalie Portman's supernatural luster is fast fading.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 7

TRANSYLMANIA
The Story: Horror spoof about a college in vampire-land.
The Pitch: Scary Movie meets Dude Where's My Car
Who It's For: People for whom no laugh is too easy.
Cause for Hope: Was co-directed by a brother team, which means each only gets half the blood money for making this.
Cause for Concern: The fourth generation of spoof films gives signs of being unkillable.
Defamer Enthusio-Meter: 2

Margaret Mead had the Samoans, Dian Fossey had gorillas, and the rest of us have the eight guidos on Jersey Shore for the most important anthropological study of its day. MTV has chosen four men and four women to live in a house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, which we hear is called "Sleazeside Heights" in the local vernacular. What is assembled here is not only excellent entertainment, but a breakthrough in media and the science of reality television as a whole.

What we've grown accustomed to are two types of non-competitive reality shows, both pioneered by MTV. There is the Real World species and The Hills species. Jersey Shore is descended from the former type, but is so unique in its evolution that it is a new creature onto itself. For a Real Worldicus Americanus to be a viable animal, producers are looking to cast easy to recognize "types": annoying drunk girl, the slut, angry black man, the violent guy, the flamboyant gay, the sassy black lady, the country bumpkin, the religious zealot. Most of these shows feature a number of types that, when combined will be explosive. While the people go into the show thinking that they are individuals, they are quickly molded into their pre-written role thanks to editing, trickery, and a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. The participants think of themselves as more than just a stereotype, but that is what they are to us.

The amazing thing about Jersey Shore is that it is comprised of only one very distinctive type—the guido—and it is a type in which all of the participants not only willingly identify, but glorify. They are not afraid of being seen as a stereotype because they want to be the big-haired, muscled out, tanned freak in a too-tight Armani Exchange top. While the rest of society may deride the guido, these specimens see nothing wrong with it, because they live in a universe where it is the norm. Based on the other inmates in the Sleazeside Heights zoo, there is nothing manufactured about these people. They do not possess the fame-seeking guile of the Speidis of the world, because their only aspiration is to be revered as the ultimate guido. Because of this, no coaxing into conformity with reality show norms is needed. All the cameras have to do is sit back and observe.

Their disconnect with the byways of mainstream society is especially observed in the environment in which they have been placed, a three-level shore house directly on the boardwalk. When some set designer from New York tricked it out for the show, he snarkily filled it with Italian flags, sparkly sofas, posters of Scarface, maps of New Jersey, tacky couches, and leopard print bedspreads. The residents find nothing kitschy or campy about this set at all. Instead of the intended irony, they only see "class" (see below).

We already met those on the other side of the glass, but lets learn a little bit more about their specific genus.

Angelina: She arrives at the house carrying all her belongings in trash bags, that makes us want to call her Trash Bags. However, she seems to take inexplicable joy in making sure the males of the house do not get to mate. Because of this, we want to call her Blue Balls. Trash Bags or Blue Balls, please help us decide. Maybe her aversion to the other males getting attention is because she has a boyfriend at home, so she is not getting any loving while she tries to stay faithful. She is complex, but lazy.

JWOWW: Is the human embodiment of Stripperella except she tries to cover it up by dying most of her hair brunette. The white pieces still show through, as do her enormous breast implants, which she displays in shirts that look like a glittery Ace bandage leisurely draped over two toddler's heads. She is a slut who takes pleasure in making men want her and then making their lives hell. She is very dangerous when provoked. Also, we like to call her ShamWOWW because everything about her is fake.

The Situation: A prevalence of referring to oneself in the third person is usually a symptom of low self-esteem masked by fake bravado, and The Situation (real name: Mike) is a perfect example. He thinks that all the ladies love him, but he needs them to love him. His name describes his defined abdominal muscles, which he describes as a "situation." The physical perfection he tries to achieve is meant to make up for lack of security he feels in himself. He appears to be a strong alpha, but he is really a sad, sad follower.

Snooki: If there was a Guido equivalent of a fag hag, it would be Snooki. She will do anything to please the men in her life, even though none of them desire her sexually. Also she resorts to extreme tactics when no one is paying attention to her. She clings to the outmoded standard of beauty that she claims to have created ("the poof") even though her peers shun it. She also can not operate simple machinery.

DJ Pauly D: Has about the ugliest collection of tribal markings outside of the before pictures in a tattoo removal ad. Yes, it says Cadillac down his side, most likely so that the women who lie next to him in bed will have something to read. He has no morals when it comes to mating and will do anything for the attention of the ladeez. Once he finally blinds them with the aberrant scribbles on his skin, he takes them home where he marks their vaginas internally with his pierced penis. They will always bear the mark of DJ Pauly D—a herpes blister and labial scar from the cuts made by his Prince Albert. He also likes to fight.

Ronnie: Though smart when it comes to dealing with women, his size, bravado, and penchant for making fruity drinks belies a more "sensitive" side. "The Situation" can see the situation clearly and thinks that his romantic rival is in love with him. We can not say that he is wrong. Like most people hiding secrets, Ronnie is full of anger. That might also be the steroids, but we're going with secrets.

Sammy: This self-described sweetheart is a Helen of Troy type. She needs to have men going to war for her in order to crown a clear victor. She likes to think of herself as the mothering type who will make a great cook and raise a big Italian brood, but she will never be able to settle down because the constant conflict does not work well with monogamy. However, she is still looking for the Darwinian ideal to bed her, and only the strongest survive. The weak can all die, for all she cares, preferably at her hand.

Vinny: Vinny has been ruined by his mother to thinking that he is better than he truly is. He feels that because he is young and educated he somehow has a leg up on his comrades. At the same time, he does not alter his conformity to their standards of appearance or behavior. He will eventually have a psychotic break where he will move to Vermont and try to reinvent himself as an organic, vegan farmer. He will fail and have to move back with his mother.

There are the creatures that we are forced to ponder. Of course, there are a few words that one must know to understand their sophisticated patois:

• Classy: This is a standard of beauty and behavior to which all aspire. While the taste and requirements are subjective, the directive is absolute: one must be classy.
• Trashy: The opposite of "classy" and includes behavior like taking off one's thong in a hot tub, bringing people home from a club, and cheating on one's boyfriend (but not one's girlfriend). While the guido may refer to behavior in another as "trashy" that same behavior in oneself is often deemed "classy."
• Vibing: Getting along with and flirting with a member of the opposite sex.
• Dogging On: Making out with or engaging in sexual tomfollery when in a public setting.
• Pounding Out: Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone-hopefully in a private setting, but not necessarily.
• Blow-out: The type of ornate plumage the male employs that requires a blow dryer and several tubes of hair gel to perfect.
• Sluts: To men a "slut" is both any woman who wants to have sex with him and any woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, which means all women are sluts. To the female it is all women other than herself. It can also be a term of sexual empowerment for a woman, unless applied to one who is not "classy," then it is the ultimate insult

Now that we have learned their jargon, it is time to witness them in their natural environment.

Work: The herd is not allowed to merely live in house, they must also work at the Shore Store, a Boardwalk T-Shirt emporium that sells wares like hot pink booty shorts, air brushed tank tops, and Ts with sexual slogans such as "I shaved my balls today."

Not everyone enjoys working, Trash Bags finds it tedious and tries to slack off at any opportunity. Vinny, who has the first disease of the season (sadly, pink eye) asks her to fill in for him, and she can only agree to work one hour. She is lazy.

The Situation enjoys a work situation, because it gives him a chance to show off. Vinny is an eager worker, but only because he needs to please a boss, who he sees as a substitute father figure. Because his mother plays such a prominent role in his life, he is searching for male authority to steer him the right way.

Landlord/boss Danny is a benevolent tyrant. He enjoys the kids, but he enjoys the money they make him even more. He will fire one, eventually. We hope it's not Sneakers.

Hooking Up: Romantic entanglements are of the utmost importance to the young guido. Other than the gym and tanning salon, the bedroom is his most cherished habitat.

Here we see DJ Pauly D getting close with JWOWW, they eventually make out. The next night, they make out again, and JWOWW discretely hides their locked lips behind her hand. She has a boyfriend at home and she doesn't want to cheat on him. She does not define "cheating" as making out with another man and seeing his pierced penis. Cheating is if she gets him off before she climaxes. If she uses a man for her own pleasure that is not cheating.

Blue Balls also has a boyfriend at home, which is why she has strapped a chastity belt on all the men in her immediate vicinity. The problem is her boyfriend hates her. Whenever she calls, he seems to be too busy for her. When he tells her that he is "in a meeting" and can't talk, she repeatedly calls and gets his voicemail. This is grounds for dumping her. Please, please, throw out the Trash Bags.

The most complicated romantic entanglement is between Sammy Soso, Ronnie, and The Situation, who find themselves in a love triangle situation. Sammy Soso was initially attracted to The Situation, but found it to be a Soso Situation. After holding hands and "vibing" with him, she makes out with him in the club. Then she decides to make out with Ronnie. Naturally, this angers The Situation, because his self-worth is now shattered thanks to Sammy. He picks up the little pieces of his ego and flips her off. Because of his behavior, she sees him as weak and "dogs on" Ronnie instead, flaunting their relationship in The Situation's room so that he will feel even worse about himself.

In retaliation, DJ Pauly Desperate, Vinnie, and The Situation bring three girls back to the roof and try to get it on with all of them. The Situation feels vaguely better about himself, but now that Ronnie is officially the alpha, he is uneasy about his status.

As for the complicated hook ups of Snickers, we will get to that in the next video.

Puking: This is a common occurrence among the members of the guido tribe and it is looked upon as an inevitability of their hard-drinking lifestyle, but as also the most foul act a human can perform. It is weakness, and weakness is not tolerated. It also creates "puke breath," which is a deadly ailment that can cause death if it breathed on another guido. Puke breath to guidos is like holy water to vampires—something so profane it will melt your very skin.

Here we have Snooker's new friend Robby, who she met at a club. He vomits when she tries to make out with him. This is either because he drank too much or because he finds her revolting. Maybe a combination of the two. After instructing him to hurl over the railing of the balcony and onto the sidewalk below, she goes downstairs to get a trash bag for him to vomit in. She doesn't know that this is really Blue Balls' luggage. When she walks him home, she will not kiss him because of his puke breath.

Just the day before Snack Cake herself got so blitzed that she vomited the next morning. No one would hold her poofy hair because they were afraid of puke breath inhalation. The puking was so severe, it made her late for her first day of work. When asked for an excuse by bossman Danny, she said, "I was in the bathroom," because having him think she think she was taking an enormous turd is better than having him think she is infected with puke breath.

Drinking: Next to hooking up, getting drunk is the leisure activity of the guido. This usually allows them to hook up more freely, so it is a symbiotic relationship. Sometimes it leads them to want to hook up too much, like when ShamWOWW made out with DJ Pauly Shore at the club and then took off his wife beater, leaving with both his shirt and her pride. Apparently she needed to go eat ham, which is a cure for drunkenness. Also, if vomited up, it makes the puke breath almost bearable.

Also behaving badly under influence of alcohol was Snuffleupagus. She got so bombed that she took off her clothes and hopped into the hot tub with all the boys, where she was as unwanted as a Baby Ruth floating at a pool party. Rejected, she went downstairs where she tried to call her father on the duck-shaped phone that is the favorite communication device of the tribe. However, she could not make it work. After hanging up on her father several times, she also hung up on ShamWOWW's boyfriend several times and some mean man who just kept screaming "Who is this?" at her. It was probably Ronnie's "juice man" returning frantic pages for more T.

Vinny got drunk and dance with a fat lady, which somehow gave him pink eye. This has not yet been medically proven to happen.

Fighting: Give a guido enough testosterone and their muscles will swell, their dicks will shrink, and contests of superiority will be very, very likely.

This relatively weak fight started because someone was assessing the Situation. He didn't like the way he was being looked at and blew his aggressors a kiss. Apparently making homosexual overtures to another male of a neighboring group is an incitement to violence (which may be why leader Ronnie keeps his love of the Situation a secret).

When one member of a pride has his pride attacked, it is up to all the male members to defend that honor, which is why the Situation got assessed, but Vinny got shoved, and DJ Pauly Dope responded with a punch to the nose. Thankfully the authorities were there to restrain him and quickly defuse the Situation by throwing him and his friends out on the street. Fights aren't won or lost, they are only ended, either by bouncers of cops.

While this contest may be fierce, inter-tribal civil wars tend to be verbal in nature, especially between members of the opposite sex. Trash Bags and Robo-Cop Ronnie get in a tiff because he thinks she shouldn't be cock blocking and she thinks that trashy girls shouldn't be let in the house. Their screaming made no sense whatsoever, but was a bit of mild entertainment for an evening at home.

Communication Skills: Here are some of our favorite things that people actually said last night:

Sammy: "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but don't fuck with me."

Ronnie: "Take your shirt and [the women] come to you like flies on shit."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to work, I'm a DJ."

Trash Bags: "How is this girl getting in the jacuzzi in a bra. Wear a thong bikini if you're going to wear anything. It's more classier."

Sammy: "I had so much respect for you guys until you got into the Jacuzzi with those sluts."

Blue Balls: "That's how we know we're classy girls because we've been here two days with those guys and nothing has happened."

The Situation: "This situation is unbelievable. You can't even believe the situation you're about to get in the situation."

Trash Bags: "I'm a bartender, I do like, you know, great things."

Snickerdoodle: "I'm the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepse."

The Situation: "Everybody loves me: babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars."

Vinny: "I don't care if you're fat, ugly, 45 years old—I'll dance with you."

DJ Paulie Dude: "She wants to have fun and have a boyfriend. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I'll play that game. I'll be that guy. I don't care."

Blue Balls: "If a girl's a slut, she should be abused."

Trash Bags: "I'll cut your hair while you're sleeping."

After a season in which it seemed HBO's tribute to guys who like to hang out with each other and drive expensive cars had run out of varieties of awful to explore; after it seemed there were no depths of storytelling incompetence left to plunder, many entertainment lovers dared to dream that even the show's producers might be getting tired of this charade.

In an interview with the Hollywood Reporter's Roger Friedman, Executive Producer Marky Mark Walhberg revealed that the show has not one but two seasons left in it (we would love to know the science behind that calculation). And then he uttered the words, the words which for years now have sat lurking at the far reaches of our unconscious, the nightmare that we know lay in wait but we dared not consciously consider.

"We'll see," Walhberg said. "there could be more. But then, a movie."

A movie.

We'll just pause and let everyone take in what that year of Turtle and Piven and the "Girls of Entourage" magazine covers and Extra specials might actually feel like. There's at least two years before it becomes law; plenty of time for concerned citizens to act. The real tea party starts here.

On paper, the film had everything an awards race could want; directed by Oscar winner Rob Marshall, revisiting the musical soil from which propelled Chicago to a million trophies; a cast filled with more Oscar bait than you can count including Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson and led by Oscar's golden boy himself Daniel Day Lewis; a story adapted from a cinema classic.

It should have been Nine's year, but the first indications are, it very much wont be.

Of the three reviews out on the streets, two are tepid at best. Although em>Variety's Todd McCarthy is very positive, this does not add up to the beginnings of a groundswell.

McCarthy called Nine a "savvy piece of musical filmmaking. Sophisticated, sexy and stylishly decked out, Rob Marshall's disciplined, tightly focused film impresses and amuses." He goes on to praise the handling of the adaptation of both the Broadway musical from whence it came and the Fellini film 8 1/2 on which the musical was loosely based.

So much for the nice. Over at the Hollywood Reporter, Kurt Honeycutt begins, "Nine marks the number of terrific acting and singing talents poorly used in this flat rendition of the Broadway musical...The disappointments are many here, from a starry cast the film ill uses to flat musical numbers that never fully integrate into the dramatic story. The only easy prediction is that Nine is not going to revive the slumbering musical film genre."

And over at The Hot Blog, David Poland can't slap enough hurt on the film to make it pay for his disappointment. He begins, Have you ever seen a singer with a great voice and no grasp of the lyrics? That's Rob Marshall. Nine is a movie with two memorable songs, performances that are routinely better than what the performers were given to perform, a problematically intense but not charming performance at the center, and most painfully, a lack of basic storytelling." And goes on in rich detail to count all the ways the film fails to live up to its promise, from a lifeless story construction to a charmless performance from Day Lewis.

So all that leaves us with an awards race right where it was last week, with the flawed campaigns of Precious, The Hurt Locker and Up in the Air keeping Oscar locked in their three-way death. Below is our end of the week check on the conventional wisdom of Oscar-land, with only three months and change to go:

↑ Up In the Air: Won the National Board of Review Best Film award which gives Air, dismissed by some as too lightweight, some needed gravitas.
↔ Precious: Strong showing at the Spirits nominations, but doubts persist about how well the heavy-handed story will wear in the long campaign. The National Board omitted the film from its top ten list altogether.
↓ The Hurt Locker: Was bizarrely ineligible for Spirits nominations as it was entered last year. Needing a break out win if its to maintain its place in the top three.
↓ The Lovely Bones: Met very mixed reviews in its London premiere, some saying the story is too Law And Order to make a serious contender.
↔ Invictus: Respectful but not jumping for joy buzz from early screenings. With Oscar having showered so many trophies on director Clint Eastwood already, will be likely reluctance to let him into the front of the race with a merely so so turn.
? Avatar: The last remaining question mark, unviewed by the critics. Despite a preponderance of early evidence to the contrary, some dare to hope for another Titanic to sweep the Oscar table clean.

1. "We have heard from a friend of this gay male escort that the escort is claiming to be involved in a romantic relationship with this Television and Film actor (whose sexuality remains ambiguous). The escort has been snapped with the star before, and even gone to events with him, but is claiming to have been in a relationship, one that is on and off. Not Chace Crawford." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This famous actor is a husband and a father and a role model to adoring fans. He's also a liar and a cheater and an adulterer and a magnet for women who want to sample the goods. While he doesn't have as much to lose as Tiger if his trysts were ever made public, he is a bit more careful about covering his tracks. In addition to his friends and family cell phone, he also carries a pre-paid cell phone solely for his booty calls. There is no announcement with his name on the voicemail, just a robotic phone number that could belong to anyone. And if he has to leave a message for anyone else on their cell, he doesn't leave his name, just "Hi, it's me returning your call," along with his number and a voice mail about "taking a meeting about a project." It's all about the plausible deniability. Does his wife know about this phone? Well, she does now, because we know she reads this site. Sorry about that, Girl, but you knew he was a dog long before you married him." [BlindGossip]

3. "This A list tweener has a problem. Well more than one problem but there are some things that can never be taught. Anyway, she had a boyfriend. Not exactly being a role model she got his name tattooed on her body in a place most people won't see for a few more months. Now though, she has a bigger problem than what people say about her tattoo and its location. She has a different boyfriend and he doesn't like opening the presents so to speak and seeing another name so our tweener is going to change it but can't decide if it should be the new boyfriend's name or something generic like don't chew gum with your mouth open." [CDaN]

Disillusioned, out of control and marginalized young people have always been at the heart of the Sundance Festival with past Jury Prize winners including Welcome to the Dollhouse, Ruby in Paradise and Precious. But in some recent years issues such as poverty, the environment and the red neck menace have often threatened to crowd out the importance of teenage angst.

In their 2010 offerings, however, teenagers seem to have retaken their rightful place on the festival's throne. Among the films to be screened:

Nowhere Boy / United Kingdom (Director: Sam Taylor Wood; Screenwriters: Julia Baird and Matt Greenhalgh)–A teenage John Lennon confronts wrenching family secrets and finds his musical voice in late 1950s Liverpool.

The Runaways / USA (Director and screenwriter: Floria Sigismondi)–In 1970s LA, a tough teenager named Joan Jett connects with an eccentric producer to form an all-girl band that would launch her career and make rock history. Cast: Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning, Scout Taylor-Compton, Michael Shannon, Alia Shawkat, Tatum O'Neal.

Twelve / USA (Director: Joel Schumacher; Screenwriter: Jordan Melamed)–A chronicle of the highs and lows of privileged kids on Manhattan's Upper East Side involving sex, drugs and murder. Cast: Chace Crawford, Emma Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, 50 Cent, Zoë Kravitz.

Bilal's Stand (Director and screenwriter: Sultan Sharrief)–Bilal, a Muslim high school senior in Detroit juggles his dysfunctional family, their taxi stand, and an ice carving contest in his secret attempt to land a college scholarship. Cast: Julian Gant.

One Too Many Mornings (Director: Michael Mohan; Screenwriters: Anthony Deptula, Michael Mohan, Stephen Hale)–Two damaged young men recover their high school friendship by awkwardly revealing to each other just how messed up they've become. Cast: Anthony Deptula, Stephen Hale, Tina Kapousis.

Enter the Void / France (Director and Screenwriter: Gaspar Noé)–A drug-dealing teen is killed in Japan, after which he reappears as a ghost to watch over his sister. Cast: Nathaniel Brown, Paz de la Huerta, Cyril Roy, Emily Alyn Lind, Jesse Kuhn

Poverty, environmental collapse and the red neck menace all continue to be represented. But in restoring the importance of gawking at teenages as central to the world of independent film, Sundance has taken a brave step forward.

Since show biz immemorial that dream has seduced deep-pocketed gazillionaires from Joseph Kennedy to Stephen Bing. But while one expects crazy behavior from skirt-chasing plutocrats, we generally hope for a little more common sense from our salt-of-the-earth homemakers. Sinking one's money in moviemaking after all, has long since proven to be the most insane investment one can make; investors seeking to actually make money in Hollywood are generally advised that they'd be better off, well, buying a lottery ticket.

But perhaps having defied the odds once, Stafford is essentially letting it ride by throwing it all in to film production.

According to The Wrap, Stafford is forming Queen Nefertari Productions, which has already taken on four projects and is being steered to to meetings by the Gersh Agency. The Wrap writes:

Stafford recently produced a pair of independent movies, multicultural coming-of-age tale "Polish Bar" and supernatural thriller "The Gathering."

Kalligheri attested to Stafford's love of moviemaking, saying, "She'd probably be collecting money door to door [if she had to] to make movies." Queen Nefertari expects to have its first film in production by the end of this month or, at the latest, the first of the year.

"We may even have three going at the same time in the spring," Kalligheri said. The company is looking primarily at commercial projects in four broad genres: comedy, romantic comedy, thriller/horror and faith-based.

As the piece points out, in these challenging times, even giants like George Clooney and Bret Ratner have had to apply on bended knee to unconventional sources for financing. So if Stafford is willing to set aside that faith-based rigamarole, we may live to see the grand tradition of the casting couch find a whole new life in a whole new era.

I decided to ask a few professionals. Raves and nominations notwithstanding, as casting director Mark Bennett (The Hurt Locker, Junebug) puts it when asked for his professional opinion, "Unfortunately Hollywood is still a system that doesn't produce a lot of great parts for black women and doesn't produce a lot of parts for women who aren't conventionally beautiful. And that's not going to change overnight."

In a piece last month on The Root, cultural critic Stanley Crouch was outright pessimistic:

"Gabby Sidibe better enjoy her fame while she can because black actresses never have less than a hard row to hoe. Even if the inner life they bring to characters is as beautiful as they are physically, they have little chance."

Crouch cited several black actresses whose careers were, as he puts it, "pissed away by the system," and argues that even with Precious's success, at the end of the day, "Hollywood will continue to go along as it has gone." And he didn't even touch on the fact that Hollywood has had little use for any women larger than a size zero.

So far, Sidibe has shot a pilot for Showtime – The C Word, a dark comedy starring Laura Linney – and also wrapped a Sundance lab film called Yelling to the Sky. But her most significant post-Precious performance has probably been on the talk show circuit.

The greatest risk Sidibe initially faced was best articulated (inadvertently) by Roger Ebert in his November 4 Chicago Sun Times review of Precious:

"Her work is still another demonstration of the mystery of some actors, who evoke feelings in ways beyond words and techniques. She so completely creates the Precious character that you rather wonder if she's very much like her."

You can wonder, but the answer is no. "It's called acting," her manager, Jill Kaplan, says. Sidibe herself has skillfully, but seemingly effortlessly, put space between her character and herself with her television appearances, which exhibit both poise and comic timing.

"When you see her being interviewed, she's so charming. You look at her and say, I'd like to watch her in other parts so you can see her acting different personalities," says Bennett.

Both Bennett and Billy Hopkins, the casting agent who co-discovered Sidibe at an open casting call (and Precious director Lee Daniels' former partner), point out that cable television offers a far greater range and depth of roles for actresses. And they both speculate that she'd make a good talk show host. (An appealing, if entirely premature, prospect).

Hopkins sounds determinedly optimistic about Hollywood's receptiveness to an actress like Sidibe. "Is she a hard type to cast? Yes. But is she talented? Yes. So I think those will balance each other out," he says.

Eyde Belasco, who cast Sidibe in Yelling To The Sky and has worked on movies like (500) Days of Summer and Half Nelson, writes in an email that her own choice had "very little to do with her look and everything to do with her amazing acting abilities." She adds, "I think the best types of roles for Gabby going forward, to keep her from being typecast, are ones that are not linked to her look. Maybe it's about taking on a great supporting role (such as her role in Yelling To She Sky) that has very little to do with her physical appearance and all to do with her performance. If an actor can afford to do it, it's about waiting for the right role. Gabby does have a very specific look. But, hopefully, filmmakers and casting directors will want the best actress for the role."

It can be hard to get insiders to discuss industry prejudices on the record, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. "Hollywood tends to think of actors like Gabby as being perfect as a white person's friend. She'll have to work really hard to distinguish herself in their eyes," says Bennett. "The soft prejudice that she's going to face is going to be getting cast in parts that aren't written for a black girl. At the end of the day, I find there's a certain risk aversion in terms of Hollywood casting. It wouldn't surprise me if she finds her most fulfilling professional opportunities in the coming years outside of Hollywood."

Bennett's advice to her is not to wait to pursue the parts she wants: "It's a mistake for actors to sit around and assume that Hollywood as a monolith will have imagination. Actors have to insist on what they're capable of."

Kaplan, Sidibe's manager, is reluctant, for obvious reasons, to have the actress pigeonholed or even discuss that risk. She says Sidibe has gotten all kinds of scripts sent her way. "It doesn't have to be about changing Hollywood's ideals – it's just about a talented actress," she says.

She adds, "I think she can do anything. She's a prodigy – she's very funny. She really loves Judd Apatow movies and comedies in general. We're looking for a big fun comedy for her, or maybe something romantic…She loves superhero movies."

Speaking of Apatow and comedies, I tracked down Allison Jones, the casting director who has worked with him since Freaks and Geeks, and who was also responsible for the inarguably inspired casting on Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Office. Here's what she writes:

A good comedy director I think values instincts more than line readings...so if her comedy instincts are as solid as her dramatic ones (on talk shows she is a riot and so delightful), then she will have no problem... Someone's funny, she's funny. Someone's good, she's good. [In addition] as much as anyone's physical appearance can limit their appropriateness for a role (including the stick-thin actresses), she will not be right for everything. But maybe there are more opportunities out there rather than fewer.

Hopefully those opportunities will exceed the comic roles that the industry has so far offered larger black women (or men pretending to be them)—where their sexuality is a punchline in itself.

As the awards season kicks off, Sidibe's name is already on many ballots — she was just nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for best actress — and expected to be on more, including those for the Oscars (announced February 3). And maybe that's what it'll take to clinch her broader appeal, should anyone need convincing. Kaplan doesn't want to make predictions. "I can't say what's going to happen," she says. "I'm definitely trying. I'm working on it right now. People are going to see outside the box."

Hollywood: Same As It Ever Was [The Root]

Related: Et Tu, Amy Poehler? What's So Funny About Desiring A Big, Black Woman? [What Tami Said]
Sumpin' Turrrrble: SNL's Keenan Thompson Performs Minstrel Act [Racialicious]

We in Hollywood are used to being bought and sold like day labor on a sugar plantations, but our dignity hangs on at least maintaining a certain level of glamor in our masters. Studios have been sold to the French, the Japanese, Austrians, Canadians and even New Yorkers. But to have one of Hollywood's great studios fall into the hands of Philadelphians...a city which from where we sit on our porches in Malibu, is indistinguishable from Topeka or Des Plaines, is an indignity that the hometown of Rita Hayworth and Nicole Richie never believed could befall it.

Well, like it or not, the Philadelphians are coming. And based on the City of Brotherly Love's history, here's a few changes we can expect them to implement.

• Battery Throwing: Hurling batteries at the heads of those who earn their scorn is one of Philadelphia's most hallowed traditions. Under Comcast, we can expect attendees at red carpet premieres to receive packs of 9-volts in their swag bags, which in the event of substandard entertainment values, they can aim at the eyebrows of the cast and crew.
• Cheese Whiz: Philadelphia is one of the great culinary capitals of America, having earned the rare honor of being put collectively on a diet by their mayor. The abstemious dining habits of Hollywood will not sit well with the new bosses, who will have all Zone delivery trucks stopped at the studio gates so the guards can forcibly apply Philadelphia's beloved condiment, Cheese Whiz, to all items.
• Democracy Babylon: Philadelphia is home to the Liberty Bell, Constitution Hall and Benjamin Franklin. We in Hollywood, appropriately, like to shun old stuff like that, but the times they have a' changed. While Hollywood isn't old enough, thank God, to remember those days before Democracy was cool, we can certainly pretend we were there better than anyone. After all, Abraham Lincoln (he was in on the revolution, right?) lives at Disneyland. That may not be much but its a good place to start. If we want to make our new masters feel at home, we'll get into the shrine to democracy business, big-time; making use of what bits of history we can grab on to. For instance, Barry Bostwick portrayed General George Washington in perhaps the finest mini-series ever made about the life of America's big kahuna. Why not start a city-wide campaign to honor all the places touched by Bostwick, hanging plaques reading "The Man Who Played George Washington lunched here" all over town.
• Ketchup Table Talk: For decades, one of the great sources of debate for the people of Philadelphia has been the best way to pour ketchup. As Pennsylvania is the home of the Heinz company, the people of the state gape in disgust and horror at the condiment barbarians who stick knives into their bottle. Executives wishing to curry favor with their bosses should be prepared to discuss their family's method, passed down through the generations, for shaking loose a densely-packed bottle, involving rotating it a quarter-turn to the left and then-three quarters to the right, followed by two extremely delicate karate chops directly applied to the "1869" on the label. Only this will convince the new overlords that his executive possesses the proper sophistication to steer a major communications company.
• Rocky: Philadelphians love their native son, boxing legend Rocky Balboa. They love him so much that they apparently think he's a real person, commemorating his career with a statue of him in front of their art museum. If we're going to avoid embarrassing the new chiefs, someone needs to get to Stallone and tell him that if he drops the act, he's finished for real this time. Just stop by the commissary and tell a few stories about how you fended off Clubber Lang and the bosses can go back home and tell their kids, "You won't believe who I met!"

This of course is just a start. The Philidelphiazation of Hollywood is going to be a long hard road for us all and the sooner we get started the easier it will be for us all. Wearing ties to work now and then wouldn't kill anybody. And how about instead of AA meetings, we start a club to try and get a football team in LA? Anyone going to 4H tonight?

We also got rid of our least favorite sub plot last night, but it was at the expense of Mr. Schuester leading our Glee kids to their inevitable sectional victory. That Sue Motherfucking Sylvester was also on a tear, and not being her sarcastic cutesy self. She was a hyena with carcass blood smeared all over her sneer, and she was out for murder. Also, everyone makes fun of the Glee kids and they love it. Next week Rachel is going to do a "You Spin Me Right Round" number in full S&M gear. Just you wait.

And we got our latte of pain with some ironic cocoa powder sprinkled on top thanks to the song selection which was all about sunshine and light and smiling. Yippee! Let's walk on sunshine through the choruses.

"Smile": Though this Lily Allen track may sound like a pretty ditty it is really a symphony of schadenfreude, with the singer laughing at the pain of her ex. How sadistic that this is what Rachael uses to get Finn ready for their co-captain yearbook shot. But before we get there, just who are these people in the band and where do they come from? If they're fellow music nerds, why wouldn't they just be in the Glee club? And how long are we going to go on using them and pretending they're not there? Shouldn't one of them get a joke or a story line or ask Mercedes out on a date or something?

These band members may just be part of the student body, which really loves defacing the Glee Club photo in the yearbook each year. Yearbooks are for doodling, but then why don't the Glee kids go and deface the cheerleaders picture? What's going to happen if they do? The cheerleaders are going to hate them and have their football player boyfriends throw Slushie in their faces? Too late. But they're a bunch of wimps, so when the principal bans the Glee photo from the yearbook so that it won't further humiliate the students, they don't protest. And why, oh why, Babygay Kurt, in your library research of past Glee photos didn't you unearth Mr. Schue's from back in the day?

Of course it was Sue MF Sylvester who really had it out for the little club that could. We don't know what happened to her at Thanksgiving, but it must have been worse than one of our horror stories, because her little quibble with the club turned into a vicious vendetta. She isn't acting because she hates them, she's doing this because she enjoys watching them suffer.

Just like all the New Directions kids love watching Rachael make a fool of herself. When Rachael, the secretary of the Muslim student's association, and Will insist that their club get a photo in the yearbook, Principal Figgins agrees, but there is only room for two people. The club elects Rachael of course. She wants the job, and none of them like her, so (like daft cheerleader Brittany says) they'll be the ones drawing a mustache on Ms. Barry.

Still, she convinces Finn to join her in the picture, and he agrees because his identity is more and more linked to being the big stud of the troupe. However, the football players are having way too much fun with his eventual humiliation. When they put a Sharpie to his face in real life, that's more than he can bear and he ditches Rachael for their modest photo shoot. Oh, the cackles of teens can be like razors.

"When You're Smiling": We only get a bar of this standard, but it's more than enough to make a point. The song is about overcoming disappointment and sadness and doing something to make your situation better, and Rachael needs that message when she's dissed by Finn for about the 7,543,319th time. He's not coming to take a picture, and he's not going to serenade you at your window, Rachael. Time to move on!

She gets into character right quick with a little pep talk reminding herself that it's lonely at the top and to stop caring what people think about her. As much of a bitch as Rachael can be, she really is quite a strong person to maintain her delusions of grandeur in the face of such staunch opposition. While her smile turns on the camera, it's her tears that really win the crowd over. By crying on demand and begging the cameraman, she books the club in a TV commercial. The whole world's smiling with them.

Quinn is trying to turn her frown upside down by getting reinstated in the Cheerios. Maybe if she got rid of that stupid side-pony-braid combination that she keeps sporting they'll let her back in. After getting kicked out by Sue and scorned by all the other girls (including the two who are in Glee with her), it's funny that so much of her status is wrapped up in being the chief flying monkey for wicked witch Sue MF Sylvester. She doesn't want her future "real" kids to think of her as some loser, but as a wonderful popular cheerleader. How is she going to do that? But forgetting her sorrow and convincing SMFS that she belongs on the squad.

The one really gritting her teeth and grinning through it is Emma, who is no longer getting married in Hawaii but at the VFW hall in Lima, Ohio, to a man that she doesn't love and doesn't have good hygiene. Of course that means she can't go with her beloved Will to see the kids at sectionals, since the ceremony is the same day, but she has decided that plunging into a life-long mercy fuck is the right thing to do and maybe if she smiles at it, eventually it will all be better. This story line is wearing as thin as an anorexic after a bout with H1N1, but we loved that Emma basically told Will to get over himself and stop assuming that she loves him. She knows pining away for him will end badly. Marrying Ken won't be much better, but she's hoping that by pouring sunshine all over it, she'll end up with a rainbow.

"Jump": Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of this Van Halen chart topper? Me neither, and that's because they really don't make much sense. They're really just throw-away sentiment for a killer rock song. That said, we're taking the "jump" of the title to be a leap of faith or a call to some sort of drastic action.

Will didn't so much as jump, but was pushed when he found Terri's fake baby bump in her drawer. Finally, the fake pregnancy is over! Amen. It ended pretty well too. The scene between Will and Terri in the kitchen was a doozy as she desperately tries her best to manipulate him even though she knows her plot is over. The "Evil sister Kendra stole the baby bump from the maternity store" excuse was a dilly—It was so good, it's amazing it didn't work. The reason it didn't is because Will knows that Terri is one fucked-up, crazy bitch who would lie about being pregnant. He knows she's flawed but loves her anyway, for some strange reason.

Terri's rationale for why she did it is a little bit flawed. She says that Will is in love with her high school self, not the real Terri, and she had to save the marriage. That's a little hard for us to imagine, since we have no clue what she was like back then (flashback episode full of '90s classics, please!), but she knows there is something fundamentally wrong with the pairing. She blames his involvement with the club, but it's much deeper than that, and (as crazy as she may be) she's smart enough to know it. So, Will takes the big jump and moves into the Glee club's rehearsal room, where he finds a stack of mattresses, the payment for the crew's commercial.

Speaking of which, the spot in itself is a joy, but what was really great about it was watching Rachael make the jump from being a self-serving diva to doing something for the good of the team. While they all talk about how they will forget the little people when they're famous, the joy from their performance comes from the fun that they have as a collective. It's great that we're really starting to believe this. I want to be in the club too. I'd even go back to high school just to sign up. OK, maybe not...

The one who has really started benefiting from being a team member is Ms. Quinn Fabray, who uses her years under the bitchtastic tutelage of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to save the club. When Will uses one of the mattresses, that means the Glee kids have been paid for their commercial, which is a no-no for a school group. That means the club is disqualified from competition. Pre-pregnancy Quinn was fighting to get these merry melody makers sidelined, but now that they've accepted her, she uses her scheming to get them reinstated, and with a full page in the yearbook to boot. The only gesture that Sue MF Sylvester can even feel anymore is a stab in the back, so Quinn tells her if Glee isn't resuscitated that she will rat out all the free shit the Cheerios have been swimming in for years. What did Sue write in her journal of doom about this move? She was probably proud and impressed.

And even better than besting Sue was when Quinn decided she didn't want to be a Cheerio anymore after all. She'd rather face the ignominy of being in Glee with people who care about her than the popularity of being the icy princess at the top of the Cheerios pyramid. Now she's using her scheming powers for good, not evil.

"Smile": The convention for ending each episode quickly became leaving the audience with a roaring and inspiring "11 o'clock number" (9:58pm in this instance) that will have us welling up, clutching our hearts, and loving this god-send of a show. Not this week. This song—another one about smiling through the pain—was not only bluer than normal, but also served as the background music for the Glee club's inevitable humiliation at the hands of a thousand malicious markers.

The real pain came when Will had to step down as head of the Glee Club in light of Mattressgate and left the kids on their own to lead the group. Wait, wouldn't control then go to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, who is still unofficially the co-chair of Glee? Rather than getting them disqualified, Will would rather step down, which isn't as hard a decision to make after he saw them all come together for the commercial. Most of that responsibility rests on Rachael's shoulders, and it's inspiring to see her becoming a leader, which is as unselfish a position as she could take.

The kids even got excited about their full page in the photo book, brought to them by the letter Q and the noun "gumption." They were so jacked that Puck even worked up his delicious man guns just for the shoot (and boy, he shot us right through the heart with those guns). As Will watches on, smiling at the happiness that he's brought his group, they're all laughing, but everyone's a little sad. But wasn't Will's goal to give the kids the wonderful experience he had in high school? Looks like mission accomplished Mr. Schue. Put on your jump suit and get to an aircraft carrier.

With a stop by Sue's Corner (about how the day after Christmas all ugly people should stay inside so that her retinas could rest from seeing them) we see what is making her so angry she vowed to "innocently murder" Will: she's still smarting about losing her man to bitch-faced Andrea the anchor. All SMFS wants is to be loved. And if she can't be, then everyone else will suffer!

But it doesn't look like the Glee club is suffering at all. As sad as the final scene was—when we're left only with images of them drawn all over and defaced—it was also a bit inspiring. Sure, they might still be under the mistaken impression that no one will mock their picture now that they're "television stars," but it seems like they've stopped caring completely how everyone else feels about the club. They're having a great time, doing something they love, and have finally found social acceptance—and if that isn't enough to make you smile, than nothing is.

1. "Who's been behaving even more badly behind the scenes? This guy! He's been famous for such a long time, he's become quite the narcissist. He just doesn't think the rules of life and scandals apply to him. Everyone loves me! Nobody will believe an opportunistic cocktail waitress over me! Well, Dude, what about two cocktail waitresses, two club hosts, a couple of hookers, and a stripper or two? Oh, yes, they'll be crawling out of the woodwork now. You can't blame the media for your bad behavior. You can't shill for millions of dollars of consumer goods as the epitome of a good guy and then claim privacy when it comes to light that your good guy act is a sham. Take your lumps and quit blaming everyone else, and you'll get past this scandal a lot faster." [BlindGossip]

2. "Coke mom doesn't get to spend all that much time with her child/ren. You would think what time she does spend with her child/ren would be quality. Well, nothing like this lesson. Coke Mom has her child/ren with her last week when she decided to stop by her dealer's house and make a buy. Well, Coke Mom wanted to be a good mom so decided bringing her child/ren into the house would probably not be a good idea. So, Coke Mom left her child/ren in the car while she bought some coke, took the time to sample some and the next thing you know there is a knock at the front door and it is Coke Mom's child/ren asking to use the bathroom because it has been two hours." [CDaN]

3. "This married B List Actress (Film and Television) had a very good Thanksgiving and Christmas. We're only hearing about it now, because soon the snow is going to hit the fan so to speak, but the whole story started back last November. Our Actress was at Thanksgiving with the family when she and her brother-in-law went for a so-called ‘grocery run.' Someone claimed they had run out of something silly like pie or whipped cream and both the Actress and the Brother-in-law volunteered to run to the store to go get it. The family was preoccupied so no one noticed how long the errand took, or the fact that when the two returned, their clothes were rumpled and they were panting and red-faced. That was allegedly the first incident. The next occurred at Christmas time when the couple met up again in the bathroom of the house they were having a party at. (As a side note, we heard that one of the little nieces or nephews were outside pounding on the door the whole time.) Anyway, the story goes that this Actress and her new lover only hook-up at family parties and gatherings and they get off on the fact that no one knows. However, the brother-in-law let it slip to a friend, who told our source and we're guessing the little family secret won't be quiet for long. Oh yeah, we hear the brother-in-law is married too.

Well, it turns out this couple has managed to not let anyone important find out yet and have decided to make it a yearly tradition. Back when we posted this Blind Item we got a few legal calls that kept us from revealing it, but this time, we heard it from a second source that hinted that on Thanksgiving the two naughty in-laws had a little second helping of love right before dessert. Maybe, just maybe we'll get to reveal this one soon!" [BuzzFoto]

Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
• 
  
• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
• 
  
• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
• 
  
• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

• 
  
• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
• 
  

I think we've got ourselves a new holiday tradition, kids. And a round of applause, please, to Gawker video intern Rose Annis, who, at our request, took the much-beloved Christmas special - which was preempted so that ABC could air the President's West Point address - and made herself an awesome mashup. Not just anyone can get an assignment like "splice together Peanuts and the deployment of thirty thousand troops" and create a Christmas miracle.

Earlier: A Charlie Brown Christmas Will Not Air Tonight

Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

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If you're wondering "Why on earth is she going on The Today Show, out of the blue, with apparently no show business to promote, to announce this?" you're not alone, but it turns out Meredith was drawn out of her private life by tabloids who threatened to reveal her "secret," and decided to own the story herself. After three failed marriages, she realized seven years ago that she was a lesbian; she told her kids and friends, and was living openly with her partner, Nancy, without feeling any need to announce it publicly until the tabloid situation arose. So basically, it's really no big deal. But Meredith did say that she hopes that people who remember her from her Family Ties days (aww!) will think of her when issues of gay rights and social equality come up, and have a more open mind. In a week full of scandals and famewhores, Meredith's lack of sensationalism and matter-of-factness is refreshing. Below is the segment in its entirety (don't miss the weird part where Matt asks her if she had a "B-movie moment" in which she ran to the mirror screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay").

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

1. "This A list female country singer just keeps on winning people over. At a recent event a paraplegic teenager in a wheelchair had been waiting with his mom for about two hours so he could meet his favorite singer and get her autograph and hopefully a picture with her. Well, after the event, the singer came by and said, "Don't you look cute in that chair." The teenager then asked for the singer's autograph and she said, "Oh sorry, not today, I'm too tired, but I hope you feel better soon." She then walked away." [CDaN]

2. "We don't want to come off as judgmental, but this item seems a little on the ‘taking advantage' side. This baby mama of a B/C lister has signed up for a Christmas charity for the third year in a row. Not signed up to donate, but to receive- as in getting new bikes, clothes, toys etc. for her little ones. We're not sure if she needs it or if she's taking advantage, but we do know the daddy seems to have plenty of money. Makes you wonder. Not Jude Law." [BuzzFoto]

3. "Some grownups enjoy a game of dress up now and then. This popular actor, though, takes it to a whole new level. When you spend the night with him, you'd better have some serious wardrobe changes available. His current favorite is "The Skier and The Pool Boy". His attire? Just a grape smuggler, a pair of flip flops, and a leaf skimmer. If you're his date, however, be prepared to dress in full ski gear, including ski boots, ski goggles, and mittens. Oh, and those last three items have to be kept on during the entire evening. He really likes to see the goggles get fogged up." [Blind Gossip]

4. "Which annoyingly boring movie actress/blogger took a runner by surprise when he poked his head round her trailer door to call her up for a scene? Her fiancee's (at the time, also a famous star) feet could be seen poking out from underneath her dress, obviously giving her a full MOT. She looked up and calmly said 'Not now Carlo.' That then became the crews response to any request from anyone much to the bemusement of the vapid Oscar winner.' [HolyMoly]

These visions dance before the poor journalist's eyes as he slogs through his grind, visions of Ed Helms locked in Heather Graham's embrace haunting his days. Whom among us, in his shoes, would not cover The Hangover's DVD release press day?

There's a lot of ways to get favorable media coverage, but perhaps the easiest one is to offer to fly reporters for an all-expenses trip to Sin City, where what happens in Vegas certainly won't influence your coverage in any way at all.

Warner Brothers would like to fly you to Las Vegas and put you up for a night. "Re-live the bachelor party gone wrong"...the invitation promises, summoning them to the press day for The Hangover's DVD release. The full text of the invitation sent out to selected media elites is below:

To celebrate the highly-anticipated release of The Hangover on Blu-ray and DVD on December 15, we're headed to the scene of the crime -– Vegas –- and we want you to come! Re-live the bachelor party gone wrong with a press day and launch party on Thursday, December 10 in Las Vegas. We hope you are able to participate in these exciting events – don't forget your Polaroid camera!

Warner Home Video will fly you to Las Vegas the morning of December 10 so you can participate in the press day, cover red carpet arrivals and attend the event. Accommodations will be provided for one night, and you will return home the following day, Friday, December 11.

Below, please find details for the press day and launch party.

Thursday, December 10, 2009
• 1:00pm – 4:00pm: Press Day
Location: Caesars Palace, Las Vegas

1:1 and Roundtable interviews available with director Todd Phillips, Justin Bartha, Heather Graham, Ken Jeong and Rob Riggle

• 7:15 pm: Red Carpet Arrivals

• 9:00 pm: DVD Launch Party
Location: PURE Nightclub, Caesars Palace, Las Vegas

Todd Phillips, Justin Bartha, Heather Graham, Ken Jeong, Rachael Harris and Rob Riggle will be in attendance

Note: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis are TBD

Among the stations of the cross in America's long slog to Oscar night, the announcement of the Spirit Awards nominations is supposed to be a moment that redefines the race, until it is redefined again by the Globes nominations. With an absence of major attention-getting performances, the race long ago transformed itself from the Indy 500 into a hemmed-in wolfpack of a handful of jalopies slogging in formation through rush hour traffic down the New Jersey Turnpike.

For the past few months the pundits' assessment has been locked in that Precious, Hurt Locker and Up In the Air pretty much own the Best Picture category, despite the fact that no one is jumping for joy about any of their prospects. Each of the big three has its major drawbacks in the industry buzz; Up In the Air is said to be uneven and perhaps non-transcendent, Precious, heavy-handed and while The Hurt Locker is much respected, even beloved by many critics, industry watchers can't help but get a major case of shpilkes about what it would mean for Oscar's chances of ever reaching a broad audience again if they give the big trophy to a film that has only grossed $12 million domestic.

And as pundits lock down the list into the next tier, the reservations only grow. Invictus looks venerable but a bit pedantic. Nine and Lovely Bones are both attracting very mixed buzz in early screenings. An Education, A Serious Man and Julie and Julia; too small and limited. Nothing one has seen yet of Avatar suggests that the non-3D blue people getting blown up parts will be anything other than laughable. And Up is still in Academy minds, just a cartoon.

Which is why the world of Oscar punditry depends on game-changing events, like the Spirits to come along and knock over the chessboard and give them something fresh to say beyond, " Precious, Up In the Air and Hurt Locker are still looking strong."

The aforementioned, heavy-handed Precious was the big winner on the nominations list and becomes the instant favorite to win the awards. There had been some hope that A Serious Man might show huge on the Spirits list, fueling a late surge for the small but very well regarded Coen Brothers film, but the film failed to get a Best Feature nomination, landing only secondary nods. The other major contender, The Hurt Locker, was somehow nominated for last year's Spirits, so ineligible this time around.

None of the Spirit's other best pic nominees — 500 Days of Summer, Sin Nombre, Amreeka or The Last Station are seen as having any major Oscar prospects.

The announcement left Hollywood's awards punditry sputtering to grab straws of significance for the race at large. Anne Thompson proclaimed a boost to Helen Mirren's Best Actress campaign from The Last Station's nod.

The Envelope's Tom O'Neil bah-humbugged the Spirits and the Gotham awards (which gave Hurt Locker their top prize) both, writing "This year's clash between the two awards - bestowed by rival factions of an organization that split in 2006 - marks the height of absurdity in awards land. Each side is embracing one of the two top indies - The Hurt Locker or Precious - to the exclusion of the other. In the end, both awards look foolish and everybody loses."

David Poland, for his part, was left to daydream about what might have been if A Serious Man had broken Precious' stride.

And so, again, our contenders get back in formation, with a mere three months to go until Oscar night.

There were all sorts of crazy shifts in the power dynamic at last night's day-late and dollar-short Thanksgiving episode where original mean girl Lily hosted the strangest conglomeration of Gossip Girl characters seen outside of Blakey Lively's birthday party at Marquee. We got secrets galore, boozy grandma Cece, bad pilgrim jokes, and pregnant Dorota. Now if we only had some stuffing for Serena's mouth, we'd be all set.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Fancy holiday maid outfit: +2
Money: Gets time and a half from Lily: +1
Personality Flaw: The only baby we ever want to see on this show is hers: +3
Power Play: Is close personal friends with Tom Colicchio: +2, A war between Russian and Poland will erupt over her baby: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Fighting with Vanya: -1, Gets back with Vanya: +2
Total: 14
Season to Date: 58
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Family Secrets: Her mother is keeping a secret from her: -1
Fashion Points: Borrowed Serena's lacey leggings. Never borrow anything from Serena, unless you work on 10th Ave: -2
Power Play: Storms out of dinner: +1, She is totally lying about wanting pie: -1, Caught binging in the lobby: -3,
Social Schemes: Would rat out Dorota to the INS to get her mother's secret: -2, Tells Jenny that Eric set her up at Cotillion: +2, Loses her mommy: -1, But mommy gives her Manhattan: +1, And Dorota and the apartment all to herself: +3, Forgives Serena: -1, Tells Serena to go with Trip: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Stripes on his collar: +1, Yellow suspenders he stole from Larry King: -1
Power Play: Is now spying on people for a living, which we find strangely erotic: +1, Knows Serena is a skank: +1, Only buys the good wine that Eleanor Waldorf likes: +1
Social Schemes: Threatens to banish Serena to work in the lobby of an airport Marriott where she belongs: +3, Pissed at Nate for stealing footage from his hotel: +1, His revenge is encouraging Nate to go after Serena and get genital warts: +3
WTF: Has been nothing more than a functionary for the past three episodes: -10
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs!: +2
Power Play: Thinks Serena is a skank: +1, Doesn't have plans for Thanksgiving: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Knows threesomes are bad from the time he and Chuck crossed swords while sharing a hooker: +3, Trip blames him for his marriage breaking up: -1, Is stuck with Maureen, who is the real power player in the relationship: +2, Knows Serena is a skank and still loves her: -1, She chooses Trip over him: +2 (because now he won't get warts)
Social Schemes: Gives Maureen Serena's elevator romp tape: +3
Total: 10
Season to Date: 6
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily's secrets: +3
Fashion Points: Her dowdy blouse with the bow screams "I'm trying to not dress like a slut today": -2, Serving up a side of boobs at Thanksgiving dinner: -1, Seriously, it's a lace-front, skin-tight jumpsuit. How is that in any way appropriate for a family dinner outside of New Jersey: -2
Personality Flaw: Everyone thinks she's a skank: -1, Can't even go one whole elevator ride next to a man without trying to fuck him: -2, For as nasty as she is, she should know that elevators have cameras: -1
Power Play: Dissing family Thanksgiving for a lay from Trip: -1, Gets kicked out by Lily: -2, Storms out of dinner: +1, Is friends with Blair again: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets a politician to dump his wife for her: +2, Wises up about Trip: +3, Then decides that the call of her loins must be answered: -2
Social Schemes: Invites Nate to Thanksgiving to keep things interesting: +1
WTF: She would be a horrible first lady: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Everyone is talking about his face: +1, But it's in a bad way: -2
Quip: "Cece's heart runs on secrets and gin": +1
Sexual Intrigue: We think he's learned his lesson about threeways: +1, Everyone knows he's in love with Vanessa: -2, And for some reason, they don't hate him for it: +1, No one should have to talk you out of dating Vanessa, you should just know that's a bad idea: -3
Social Schemes: Calls Vanessa's mom so that he can get Vanessa out of his Brooklyn Pussy Den: +1, Get's Vanessa and her mom to make up and move out of his BPD: +2, Doesn't use the BPD for pussy because he's too busy pining over Vanessa's lady dreads: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Family Secrets: His baby's got a secret, ooh ooh: -1
Personality Flaw: Stop trying to feed everyone!: -2, Thinks old people know how to video chat: -2, That "Plymouth Rock" joke: -1
Power Play: Is actually friends with Vanessa's annoying mom: -1, Still name dropping members of Sonic Youth: -1, OK, jamming with Kim and Thurston is pretty rad: +3
Social Schemes: Invites CeCe to dinner, even though she is clearly not invited by Lily: -2, But when she shows up, she totally rules: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -14
Power Position: Even

Jenny:
Personality Flaw: Is shocked her Mute Gay Shadow was mean to her. Really, Jenny? You were behaving like an ass: -2
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is standing right there: -1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Actually upset that Eric is mad at her, which is kinda cute: +1
Social Schemes: Tries to get Jonathan back for Eric: +1, Fails: -2, Eric is coming for her: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Bonus: Still the ultimate mean girl: +1
Family Secrets: Did she do it with Serena's father again?: +2, Right now, we don't know her secret: +3, But Serena and Maureen found out, so it's only a matter of time: -2
Fashion Points: Doesn't know the difference between her designer coat and Maureen's H&M knockoff and puts her "secret letter" in the wrong pocket and the wrong hands: -3
Money: Paying Dorota extra, because she knows she's the best: +3
Power Play: Invites Maureen to Thanksgiving and totally ruins Serena's groove: +1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Has boozy CeCe as an ally: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Actually stops Rufus from cooking!: +3, She is lying like a fiend to Rufus: +1
Social Schemes: Lies about her mother being sick: +1 (mean, but awesome), Actually has some sound parenting advice for Serena: +1, Years of bad parenting means Serena won't listen: -2
Total: 11
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Why was she wearing Sheila E's old coat?: -1
Personality Flaw: Her mother is even more annoying than she is: +2 (for looking cool in comparison)
Power Play: Is the last one to storm out of dinner. Four other people just did it. The dramatic impact is gone: -1, Let's her mom waste $200 tickets to Hair: -1, Bonus for missing the dreamy Gavin Creel in Hair: -1 Hates her mom, loves her mom, hates her mom, loves her mom. Make it stop!: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Everyone knows Dan's in love with her except her: -1, No one tells her that Dan is in love with her: -1, Likes Dan's face: -2, But that face is attached to those massive guns: +3
Social Schemes: Crashes Dan's Brooklyn Pussy Den: +2
WTF: She is obviously more of a Rock of Ages girl than a Hair hippie: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Eric:
Family Secrets: He's the only one that doesn't know that Lily is fucking his dad again: -1
Fashion Points: We are fans of the plaid blazer: +1
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is right there: -1
Quip: "Our Thanksgivings usually end with french fries in a diner and someone having been in a mental institution": +1, Bonus for actually happening: +1
Sexual Intrigue: His boyfriend doesn't want him back: -2
Social Schemes: Blair rats him out to Jenny: -1, The best comeback he can come up with against Jenny is "Your sweet potatoes are bland": -1, It's simplicity is kind of amazing: +3, Still wants to be friends with Jenny: -1, Oh, he's only pretending so he can take her down: +3, Sets his ultimate Jenny revenge in motion: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up