• First of all, do you people not know how to shag balls? Learn. Today's lead Page Six story concerns Derek Jeeeeeetah and his lady plaything, Friday Night Lights hotness Minka Kelly (and really, who dates a girl named Minka Kelly but Derek Jeter? Oh, that's right: Tim Riggins...) going on a grand tour of St. Jetersburg, which is what Derek's new Florida house has been dubbed by someone who thinks of funny words to go with gigantic funny houses. Yeah, they went to St. Barts and then Jeter and his parents and Minka took a tour of what's apparently going to be Tampa, Florida's largest house (where Jeter goes for Spring Training). Apparently, Minka thought of how she's going to decorate all the rooms and he thought of which rooms he's going to have sex with Minka Kelly in (answer: all of them, except for the Slug Room). Well, that's quite a distinguishment, to be Tampa, Florida's biggest anything. Also: real romantic, Jeter. A housetour? Nice. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, this is awesome: Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola girl for George Lopez's TBS show. Inevitably, someone will wet their pants over being offended by this. Good! Because there are people who should get offended when they see this picture of Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola. They're assholes. And we need them to make the rest of us look normal. [NYDN]
  
  
• Anna Wintour's daughter, Bee Shaffer, who's taken a job as College Humor found Ricky Van Veen's Girl Friday, is going apartment hunting with the moms. Aw! Except when you go apartment hunting with Ma Wintour, there's no "aw." More like *shudder*. They're looking at places in SoHo and Anna was seen "in stilettos and texting furiously on her BlackBerry." Yeah, aspiring real estate agents, that's a deal you want to be working on. Fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Spreewell! Put a little mustard on those mortgage payments. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, nobody stays in for the holidays anymore, or so goes Page Six's Sociological Theory after spotting Martha Stewart out and about at the Four Seasons for Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no, Martha can cook a bitch like none other, but she saves the weaponry for when people are supposed to be watching. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Fresh Prince of PA-POW! is here: meet Will Smith's kid, The New Karate Kid, who's training to go into Nu-Miyagi-Crane-Kick mode with Jackie Chan. INYOFACE, Cobra Kai. [People]
  
  
• Further evidence of maybe they're right: Alec Baldwin is going to quit acting when his 30 Rock contract ends, he says. When's that? 2012. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, I'm pretty sure Page Six is suggesting Diddy and Jay-Z are gay with this one. Ready? Diddy and Hov kicked it at CV's lounge, which rents out at $5,000 a night, comes with "padded walls" a magnum of champers, a couch, and eight ounces—eight...ounces—of beluga caviar. Right, the gay part isn't the caviar, but who needs eight ounces of beluga caviar? Like, really? Shit isn't that good. Also, isn't caviar so late 90s? Like, gross. Anyway: "There don't seem to be specific rules on what can go on in there, but sources say Diddy and Jay-Z "relaxed and shared a drink while listening to the music." Right, sources. Wouldn't that be funny if Beyonce had to start looking out for Diddy? Related: we don't believe you, you need more people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good god, is this creepy and weird: a bunch of celebrities are being paid to attend this Australian quack doctor's marriage to a 26 year-old American ingenue. The ones Page Six knows about for sure? Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher. Ughghhh. Creepy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ray Allen was going to buy a pair of $1,000 shoes, and then didn't. Thrifty? BALLER STATUS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Want to know what the creepy Amy Fisher people are up to these days? Here: they're involved with boxing matches with Rodney King. Like, when did the political celebrities of yesteryear start networking? Gross? [Page Six]
  
  
• Super supermarket bestseller novelist David Baldacci and John Grisham are homies, and when they get together, they basically just shit books that sell a bajillion copies before they even hit mass market paperback. Most involve lawyers and crime. Most are not as good as The Client. Also, John Grisham, so 90s, right? Like caviar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Security holes! They're all the rage. Literally: Mike Tyson's fight at LAX apparently wasn't captured on camera, thereby exposing a huge security blind spot at one of America's most trafficked airports. Everyone should hire Mike Tyson as a security consultant. Honestly. If I were a robber, and I saw a "This Place Was Secured By Mike Tyson, Who Will Eat Your Babies If You Come Any Closer" sticker, do you think I'd come any closer? Answer: no. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Hoff had a seizure! Noes! Yes. He did. He was not eating a hamburger when it happened. But he's still drunk, often, and they think that might've had something to do with it. He was not rushed to the hospital in slow motion. He's still there. Hopefully, he will get out, and get his shit together. [NYDN]

Okay, how 'bout we just get through today? Don't lie: some of you are excited to get back to the workweek tomorrow. You are probably New Yorkers, you probably work seven days a week, and you are just as fucked up and insane as the rest of us. Anyway! Savor this Sunday! It's yours. Or, if you're like me, just get through it. And still own that shit!

Anyway. Here:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Uh-oh. When you read the headline "Paris Strikes Back at the Kardashians," you know you're in for some shit. #BEEF is the word. All I have to say before I read this is: Team Paris. Because it takes more to manage fame than a large ass and a bunch of braindead sisters whose names begin with K, you know? Paris backed out of the game for a while. Kept in on the DL, nahmean? She knows how to moderate these things. Now, let's see....oh, well this just sucks: Paris is "jealous" of Kim and Ko. because Kim and the Kardashians are kommanding all of this attention that she used to. So now she's gonna unveil a new line of products and let us know that her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are stable and normal and are also kind of thrifty, or something. I don't like this at all. If Paris wants to get back on the scene, cool, except real recognize real, P: don't change your stupidly lavish ways, you're watering down the product. All that said, still: Team Paris. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meh, meh, okay. Fine. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush and Molloy did an okay job this Sunday, after they rocked last week with crazy Scientology nonsense. This time, it's crazy strip club nonsense. Shitbag Michael Lohan supposedly wanted girls who looked like—eww—his daughter to dance for him, and Lindsay came in the week after to (heh) meet them. Madonna stiffed the dancers. Bill Maher was, naturally, a piece of shit. Bill Gates left a $3,500 tip. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis were, of course, totally cool. And then there's this gem:

  Ann Landers? The advice columnist?

  "Yeah, she interviewed John Kennedy Jr. while girls danced around him."

  Word. Related: let's bring back George, please. [NYDN]
  
  

• Okay, Diane von Furstenberg: clearly, you ate your vegetables and drank your Pimp Juice for dinner the other night, because this is pretty awesome. DVF was at a jam at The Standard and decided she needed to go home because it was ovah for her. Her rooftop Meatpacking District lair—I'm serious, it's like something that emerged somewhere between Narnia and Spaceballs—is just a few blocks away, so she decided to hoof it. Having recently been mugged in Spain, she pointed to tall, good looking guy at the party, and said, You, you are escorting me home. Baller status. DVF, we approve. [Page Six]
  
  
• Papa Lohan, besides being insane, is still in deep contention for Fuckface Father of the Year: he skipped out on some promise to raise money for special needs kids. [Page Six]
  
  
• Scary Metal Bro from Slipknot got married in Vegas, and him and his wife walked down the aisle to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Well, his mother definitely isn't Jewish. This is like the opposite of the Chris Brown Wedding Dance people. [People]
  
  
• Page Six: Michael Moore, you're fat and you're movie sucks. Also, you've done nothing to win the favor of Page Six, like escorting Diane von Furstenberg home. Asswizzard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Get this: some model named Chanel Iman thinks the Boom Boom Room is a great place to hang out. Big fucking surprise. Related, Gawker readers, for purposes of context, you should heretoforth do whatever research is necessary to understand what a Boom Boom Room is and why it's significant to this here feature. Because you will be reading about this Room of Boom Boom. Oh yes. You will. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy who used to be Billy Mays' partner on Pitchmen, Anthony Sullivan, wants a six-foot wall put up around his home because neighbor Derek Jeter has one, too. Yes, well: Derek Jeter also gets to have sex with Minka Kelly, but you don't see me trying to have sex with Minka Kelly, do you, Anthony? Jesus. Just be happy for him. You're worse than Jason Street. Also, notice how I had to actually preface Anthony Sullivan's name with what he did to get famous? That's because he's not famous enough to get cleared for building a six-foot wall in Tampa. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dear Art Garfunkel: Just because you're Art Garfunkel doesn't mean you have to treat the world like an Art Garfunkel. I hope Paul Simon laughs at you the next time he sees you, you complete assface. Art Garfunkel screamed at someone for a tissue and also told someone to quiet down a developmentally challenged person after they were making noise in his show, after which, they were escorted out. That's so sad. You know who'd write a great song about it? Yup: Paul Simon. Asswizzard! [Page Six]
  
  
• OMFGFGGG okay, wow, deep breath, okay. There's some story about Kelly Osbourne and a dog and a Swatch store but it doesn't matter all you need to know is that if you click on the link you will see a picture of something spawned from the demon asshole of hell and it's terrifying and almost kind of rock and roll but still Jesus be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you because I just did. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell's partner moved out and they're no longer making whoopie under the same roof. This is sad, except great, because I don't have to think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex again for another six months. Breakfast! It tastes worse coming up. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy from Hair has a huge dong. Go figure. Some lady ripped off his loin-cloth when he was doing his ridiculous hippie dance in the audience during the show and he got to let the sun/follow-spot shine in on his wang. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ugh. Sammy Sosa, you are freaking me out right now. Mark McGwire's balls shrink so you go and become white? So fucked up. Ughhh. Don't get it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Carrie Prejean's sextape is just aching to get out there. Also, best Carrie Prejean's Sextape-Related Headline: Carrie Prejean Has More Sex Tapes Than John McCain Has Houses. Genius. [NYDN]

Hey! It's Sunday. Enjoy yourselves today. Be thankful that you both (A) are not Art Garfunkel and (B) have gotten all of the Art Garfunkel's out of your life. And if you don't, maybe today would be a good day to do it, no? I hope I'm not your Art Garfunkel. In the mean time, a little jam from Paul Simon. I'd pick something from Capeman, but we're not that far into the day. So, let's do this instead:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

One eagle-eyed blogger named Matt Salacuse observes:

If you did not catch the celebration on the field after the game, you missed the Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, getting reacquainted with an old friend....

Jeter was holding the championship trophy a little too familiarly. He knew that shit too. If you listen to his answer, he says "this is right where it belongs." He owns that shit! Watch for Posada in the replay, he knows what's coming and he gets out of the way quick.

Lovely.

If next year's champions are not the Yankees, it wouldn't be outlandish to suggest they look into getting that trophy cleaned (or tested) before giving it a go in any number of ways. As for Ms. Hudson and Ms. Kelly: claws out for that man-stealin' clap-trap trophy. She's only there to take them away from you.

• Kate and Jon Gosselin, congratulations, you've made it back to the top of the Gossip Roundup, to the umbrage of what will be many pissed off and tired commenters and your kids! They hate you! I do, too. So: it appears the one with the dead thing atop their head is seeking moneys for being the breeder of the small ones from the one with the face of ass and the terribly gauche shirts (yeah man, your shirts are gauche compared to that last sentence). Not only does she want moneys to supposedly feed their once valuable moneymaking products of breeding, but she also wants moneys for being alive: alimony. Kate Gosselin. Wants alimony. From Jon Gosselin. I'm not sure how this works as their main source of income was the show, but maybe she's seeking some of the money Jon Gosselin got from appearing at a pool party in Vegas? Which was sometime before, oh ha ha! her yukking it up on Leno! I mean, face it: he probably spent that already, but do you really want to know on what? Also, does she really care? The sad thing is that these people are someone else's parents—eight cute little peoples!—and I don't feel bad calling them both complete whatevers (technical term) because they won't go away and, you know, actually do something. This isn't like other cases of tabloid journalism where celebrities who have kids make headlines: these people make money from being overexposed, how can they protect their kids from it while they're taking all this attention? They can't. They suck. [NYDN]
  
  
• Fine. I'll bite. How much do they suck?

  "She barely talks to them," a Kate confidant told the magazine. "The nannies are doing 95% of the work. Kate has a short attention span, and everything upsets her." A Jon source said, "He can't stay at home with them. He gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone."

  That much. [NYDN]
  
  

• Michael Jackson's awesome episode of The Simpsons, where he sings Happy Birthday to Lisa with Bart as a 400-pound mental patient was just as bizarre in real life. Apparently, Jackson serviced the crew of The Simpsons (not like that) with Sikhs in white robes and turbans while they studied the script and recorded parts at his house. When you freak out Hank Azaria, you know you've really gone far. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lay off A-Rod's girlfriend Kate Hudson! mean wives and girlfriends of Yankee players! Especially now that they're in the post-season. Honestly, Minka Kelly (aka Lyla Garrity of Friday Night Lights fame) is Jeeetah's girlfriend and is ridiculously cute so really, most of the trouble has to be coming from her. Other teams' local newspapers and fans embedded in tabloid journalism: play this story up as much as possible if you want to mess with the Yankees post-season chances. You know the drill. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pierce Brosnan likes Mojitos. Don't ask. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carey Mulligan went from who? to OMG isn't she the best? in like, five minutes. So the Daily News took the time to catch you up: she's pretty, she's in an overrated movie that New York critics are slapping around, she's a "Sundance Darling" that's coming to eat Natalie Portman's brain. This has only just begun. [NYDN]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse spent $14M partying in St. Lucia. Can you even spend $14M legally in St. Lucia? No, no, no. Time for a mediocre third album to pay the bills, toots. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dr. Phil denies that he groped the breasts of a "patient" and held her captive against her will. I'm not sure how far his credibility goes here because whenever he speaks on the teevee I feel like my soul is being held against its will, but all I have to do is change the channel. So: there's that. Am I suggested that he did? No! But he is an asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, who's worse for the Lakers than Isaiah Rider Jr., is in the early stages of a pre-nup (yeeeeah) with Lamar Odom and also, in the early stages of completely screwing the Lakers out of back-to-back championships. Show your support, I guess? [NYDN]
  
  
• Marge Simpson is getting naked for Playboy. Just another day in the office, folks. What Hefner and Co. don't know or forgot is that there's an entire slice of the internet devoted to this kind of pervy thing, but who're we to judge? Cartoons, strip it off. You were a marginal last frontier, anyway. [NYDN]
  
  
• If you wanna end up like Gene Simmons, don't do drugs and have lots of sex, says Gene Simmons. So: who's got the glue bag? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Adam Duritz and Emmy Rossum were photographed together at Lincoln Center, and the Daily News suggests that they're together. Rossum had a tough divorce and she's a legitimately talented young actress! This is nice. Also: November 1st is the ten year anniversary of the Counting Crows most underrated album, This Desert Life. You did not know that, did you? It was good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Usher's delaying his divorce as much as he possibly can by not signing papers. Let it burn, Ush. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katy Perry's dating Russel Brand. Take a crack at guessing the headline. The winner gets the satisfaction at knowing that they're five steps ahead of the Daily News' gossip pages (or what they think of their audience). Whee! Also, even I was in pain after watching him diddle Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Am I alone here? Ew. [NYDN]

[Image via Disciullo/Bauer-Griffin]

• Because we don't see enough of her, Lindsay Lohan's reportedly shopping a reality show. Said a source, "Her manager is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again." [Mirror]
  
  
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett, wants to star in a reality show. That is, after he gets out of a detention center, where he's trying to kick his raging drug problem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Chris Brown's post-Rihanna beating rehabilitation will include a year of domestic violence counseling at Virginia's Commonwealth Catholic Charities. If anyone can set him straight, its the nuns. [AP]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's family intended on burying him over the weekend, but have now decided to do the deed on a Thursday. And that decision will triple their costs, bringing the grand total to something around $150,000. [TMZ]
  
  
• Some insane fans of Robert Pattinson, the hunky Twilight star, put his face on a shower curtain. Now they can say, "I shower with Robert Pattison" and almost be telling the truth. [3am]
  
  
• Anne Heche railed against the institution of marriage on The Late Show. She's crazy, but we like her. [YouTube]
  
  
• Her rep insists it's hog wash, but an "insider" insists that actress Minka Kelly and baseball playing man Derek Jeter are engaged. [Page Six]
  
  
• Avril Lavigne and her husband Deryck Whibley are headed down the road to divorce, say sources. She apparently wanted time alone, but spent her time hanging out with "male admirers." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Deformed music producer Scott Storch was kicked out of his Miami home when a bank took it back last week. Now he's living in Fort Lauderdale's W hotel. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Mewes, the actor better known as Jay from Kevin Smith's movies, attended the Degrassi Goes to Hollywood premire and revealed that he wants to touch Seth Rogan. [Zack Taylor]
  
  
• Dumb model Paulina Porizkova doesn't want people to think she's a dumb model, so she took to the web to name some of her favorite literary works. And they're all over 500 pages! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney, we know you're a legend and all, but do we really need to see you getting fresh with your girlfriend at a baseball game. Really? [Daily Mail]

• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

• Nadya Suleman's mother is so over babysitting Nadya's original six kids so she can visit the other eight. She also thinks the kids should be given up for adoption. Meanwhile, Nadya thinks the hospital might not release the octuplets to her. [Us]
• Been laid off? Mr. T says you should "man up," "keep trying" and stop "crying like a baby." Also, "knock a fool out," but only when necessary. [Mirror]
• Tila Tequila wants Christian Bale to verbally abuse her. Assuming that will get her a headline. Score! [Us]
• Sumner Redstone still attends events with the wife he divorced in October, amid rumors he was hanging around with the ex prior to her.
• Derek Jeter helped his 22-year-old girlfriend tighten her ass with a program of guided gym workouts. It was actually her idea, so try and figure out who' using who. [Gatecrasher]
• Jodie Foster was clocked going 54 miles per hour in a 35 zone in Beverly Hils. In a Prius, because she cares about the environment. Only broadly speaking, apparently. [P6]
• Rachel Ray is poised to be just as obnoxious, untalented and out of place at South by Southwest as she is on the Food Network. [P6]
• Rihanna was photographed on a beach in Mexico. Looking unhappy, obviously. [Mail]
• Guy Ritchie calls ex-wife Madonna "It," supposedly. [Sun]
• Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen married in a stealth ceremony in Santa Monica last night. Due to time zone issues, British tabloids could only take pictures of cardboard cutouts of the couple.

Shaquille O'Neal, Mike Piazza and DeLisha Milton's Dunk.net
Launched in 1999, Santa Monica startup Dunk.net was supposed to promote Shaq's shoes and sports apparel with marketing help from a pre-Mets Mike Piazza and WNBA great DeLisha Milton. But within months of founding, Dunk.net laid off its entire staff and replaced the CEO with a marketer tasked with resuscitating the company. Didn't happen. Now Dunk.net is owned by a domain squatter.

John Elway, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky's MVP.com
Back in 2000, chairman John Elway and board members Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzy piled their cash together to launch MVP.com, an online store. They pledged to spend $50 million marketing the site over the next year. A couple of years later and several rounds of layoffs later, MVP.com, owing some $120 million folded as a failure into CBSsportsline.com.

Mets reliever Billy Wagner and sports author Burton Rock's ChatWithAStar.com
After writing a bestselling book about Yankees outfielder Paul O'Neill and his father, author Burton Rocks convinced Wagner, another New York baseball star to help fund ChatWithAStar.com, a celebrity blog portal, featuring such well known voices as Miss USA 2006, Tara Conner. The site, launched with a party at one of Jay-Z's bar in 2006, no longer exists. We're still holding out for the company's "blogmobile," though.

• London tabloid Daily Mail snickered at Kate Moss' bony knees during Moss' night on the town with her rocker boyfriend, but what about the frightening shot of her face at left? The tab writes, under that photo, "Kate's hard-partying ways are beginning to show on the world beauty." Or maybe it's just the tint on the limo glass? [Mail]
• Britney Spears was not allowed to go to the bathroom alone, call anyone or touch the mail, but she was allowed to order something called a "lobster burger."
• Lily Allen had a miscarriage, broke up with her lover and her show got low ratings. Now lingerie maker Agent Provocateur is backing out of a modeling deal she trained hard for. Where is Chris Crocker when you need him? [Sun]
• Yankee Derek Jeter shut down by actress Sienna Miller, who had no idea who he was. [P6]
• Vanessa Hudgens,18, looking cute in an airport. ("Hot" would be creepy still, right? Too soon?) [X17]
• After being "inappropriate" with an adult film star during the taping of a reality show, married Daniel Baldwin returned home. Now he's got a black eye.
• Oil heir and inventor of the term "firecrotch" Brandon Davis is out of rehab and, surprise, now has a short temper, most recently with some South Beach hotel staff who called the police. Sounds like a certain hotel needs to sign up for the Russell Crowe Celebrity Sensitivity Training Workshops. [P6]
• Jessica Simpson is blocking a video she starred in, because it might possibly have some redeeming social value. [P6]
• After all the pussies canceled their Oscar parties, which diehard queen was left standing? Elton Fucking John, that's who. [P6]
• Michael Bolton is engaged to an actress from Desperate Housewives in an attempt to create the most sickening wedding ever. [Daily News]

As you may have heard by now, the Yankees are not so much with the winning this season. This issue becomes very relevant to us when sightings such as the one above begin to appear in our inbox. It seems that a Yankee team that is no longer good at the baseball is beginning to have far-reaching effects on our city's celebrity night-life culture. The Yankees slump has indeed reached Derek Jeter's pants.

One could argue, of course, that Jeter's ability to get laid has been trending downward for a few years. Back when the Yankees were winning the World Series with regularity, the man landed both a late-90's, less-crazy, more-hot Mariah Carey and a Miss Universe. More recently though, Derek has been dumped not once, but twice, for the former member of a boy band. And now this. Our own Derek Jeter being rejected by a non-celebrity simply for offering monetary compensation in exchange for sexual favors. Will the humiliation never stop?

There is of course an alternate theory. Perhaps this bloused woman possesses a certain level of self-esteem. Perhaps she didn't appreciate being propositioned by a good-looking sports star with a multi-million dollar contract and was simply interested in retaining her dignity. This theory is immediately disproved by Season 5 of "The Bachelor," in which we learn that women will do whatever it takes to land a sports star. Therefore we know that it is due to the decline of the Yankees that the ability of Derek Jeter to score has been severely affected. Hopefully that new Rocket they've got in their pocket can do something about this.

Previously: Are We Not Billy Crudup?

The man and the star were recently seen together at a resort in the Bahamas, but the man has dated a number of other women.

Before seeing the movie star, the man, who is famous and single, dated a television star.

He has also dated actresses, veejays, and models.

He's even dated a beauty pageant winner.

What is it about the man that makes the women go wild? Maybe it's because he's rich and famous and has a nice apartment.

Or maybe it's his approach.

A reporter for a popular sports website who has chronicled the man's women says, "All the guys want to be friends with the man, and all the ladies want him."

Every woman in New York City has a story, said the reporter

"They all seem to go something like this, 'His (insert wingman here) came up and said that he'd like to meet me,' yada, yada, yada - he's such a down-to-earth, nice guy," he said.

"I guess when you play the marquee position on the most popular sports team in America, in the largest city in the United States, you've got to be versatile enough to alternate between dating lots of different women.

"He seems to have mastered that art."

Play on, popular sports figure, play on.

DEREK'S DOMINOS [NYP]

Putting The Rat Back In Personal Assistant [Goldenfiddle]

David Granger, editor-in-chief of Esquire, has installed writer-at-large Tom Chiarella as the new fiction editor of the Hearst-owned title.
Up first in the November issue is a piece called "The Death of Derek Jeter" by novelist Michael Martone. "It's a fictional version of what would happen if the beloved Yankee shortstop died," said Granger, written with nine different scenarios.
When asked if he thought there might be some backlash following the freakish death of Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle, he said, "It proves that whatever you imagine, truth is often stranger than fiction."

But probably just as profitable!

In December you can expect "Take The Phone Off the Hook and Disappear for a While," Chuck Klosterman's fictional speculation as to the ramifications of a Billy Joel kidnapping.

Muscle Memory [NYP]