If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).

Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen.

Sugar cereal! Plan B! Nocturnal diabetes! Elderly presidents! Breast cancer! Parkinson's dancing! Bedbug breeding! Marathon hearts! And America's most and least healthy states, revealed! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—grrrrreatly!

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Do you have a dog? Have you taken any naps lately? Quick, count your toes! Because—if your dog is anything like this Shiba Inu in Oregon—some of them might be missing:

Comedian Tracy Morgan had a kidney transplant last week. No, really! He's recovering fine, but is likely to miss two or three episodes of 30 Rock sometime in March—his character, Tracy Jordan, "will have some sort of meltdown."

Political strategist Joe Trippi has enraged the diabetic community, by saying that many of them would like to see some more stem cell research in order to maybe cure diabetes. NO WAY, they say!