Apple's just-announced iPhone 6L is 5.5 inches long: enormous by smartphone standards, but not even adequate in the eyes of morning show size queen Kelly Ripa. You expect her to use that tiny thing? Really? You have no idea how huge her purse is.

Would you like to see The Weiner Monologues, a Greek tragedy built around the "rise and fall (and rise and fall again)" of one spectacularly failed NYC Mayoral candidate? Me neither.

The New York Times today has a story about the "flaws" in the Russian presidential election, won yesterday by (surprise!) Vladimir Putin. Election observers, report David M. Herszenhorn, "issued a harsh critique" of Putin's "preordained and unfair" victory.

We go to Martha Stewart for many things—recipes, decorating tips, officious WASP-y superiority—but for blue humor? Never! But now she's posting suggestive pictures on her Facebook page and our universe is turned upside down.

Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.