Francis, who has been out on bail pending his trial, agreed yesterday to plead guilty to two counts of submitting false tax returns omitting $562,000 in income and one count of bribery for paying more than $5,000 to his prison guards for contraband food. In exchange, prosecutors will recommend a sentence of time served (he spent 10 months in federal prison awaiting trial in 2007 and 2008), one year of probation, and a $250,000 fine.

The plea came just weeks before the trial was scheduled to begin, and the Associated Press suggests that it was precipitated by credibility issues that recently came to light about the government's star witness, Francis' former accountant Michael Barrett:

Barrett's credibility as a witness came into question in recent weeks, with Otero warning prosecutors that Barrett posed problems for them. The judge noted that Barrett had sought a reward for turning Francis in, even though he may have also committed a crime.

Otero told prosecutors during a hearing earlier this summer that they should consider resolving the case before it went to trial. He had also questioned Francis' ability to control himself in the courtroom during the trial, nearly sending him to jail when he learned that Francis had taunted a prosecutor.

According to TMZ, Francis has sued Barrett, claiming he embezzled millions of dollars and falsely ratted out Francis to the IRS in the hopes of keeping the scheme from being uncovered. That sounds like a conspiratorial revenge fantasy, but the sudden and late plea agreement suggests that prosecutors may have thought Francis was on to something.

Sentencing is due in November. According to the terms of the agreement shown below, it's about as good a bet as you'll find that Francis will be back in prison within days:

Read the whole thing here.

So this reporter went on up and found Dick at his Ketchum mansion, just cold hiking over mountains and chilling out. His first words to the reporter:

"You don't have a gun; that's good."

Ha, okay then! So then he went on about how much he has suffered and how ridiculous it is that the government didn't bail out Lehman and how oh well, he knows nobody wants to hear all this from him, he's such a big villain, yea right, whatever, this too shall pass. I mean he has to sit with his back to the wall at restaurants just so some joker doesn't come in and hit him in the face, with a pie! That is absolutely in the story, yes! And he's down to his last four mansions! But he's keeping on a happy face:

"I'm not a defeatist," he said. "I do believe at the end of the day that the good guys do win. I do believe that."

You better hope not, Dick.
[Pic: AP]

Well, start with the title, a nice play on words ("A Comedy to Inspire Premise Envy"), slip in some subtle phallic imagery in the lede, but be sure everyone knows that it's not supposed to be phallic imagery. Okay, it's supposed to be phallic imagery. You got us there!

A husband and wife are in the kitchen of their Los Angeles home one day, talking. Not arguing; just talking. The wife is chopping a carrot; just - chopping a carrot.

Next, use the most sexless, scientific term on the first instance of writing the piece, to show good behavior. Naturally, that would be "penis." Describing the main character of the show:

The carrot-chopping wife, Colette Burson, then says: And what if he had nothing going for him except that he had a really big penis?

Now, finally, just bust it out (heh). You've been holding it in for so long, and you don't want to make a mess! Get it out of the way, slowly. There we go. Just say it: we are the Times! We don't like to think about weiners, much less bad words for weiners, much less write about weiners! We must keep this in our control! And by control we mean pants! AGH! TOO MUCH WEINER!

Actually, Ms. Burson used another term that cannot be published here. In fact, such effort is being made here to write this story without violating propriety - or without slipping in a few sophomoric double entendres - that the words being muttered at this very moment make Ms. Burson's original term seem almost Psalm-like.

Wait. That's it? We're just supposed to imagine the words? There are a few more references in there. For example, small guys, the New York Times rises to the occasion for you!

The writers have turned a penis into a plot device. What's more, judging by the first four episodes, they advance the theory - fact? myth? - that bigger is better, risking the alienation of a sought-after segment of television viewers: men who are average in every way.

Also, more "short thingers are okay, too!" action near the kicker:

Mr. Lombardo, HBO's programming chief, said he never doubted the power of the writing. He just felt that the title at least warranted a chat about whether it was appropriate. When that chat finally took place, everyone agreed: Stick with "Hung." The conversation, he added, was surprisingly short.

And that's - predicktably - all we get. An old, wood(en) instudition like the Times just can't nail a good tail about penis like we can(s). They should've left this story in our big, thick, capable hands. It would've gone something like this:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Also, "wang." Heh.

A Comedy to Inspire Premise Envy [NY Times]

At yesterday's White House press conference, the AP's Jennifer Loven asked White House press secretary Robert Gibbs why Barack Obama is only asking his cabinet secretaries to come up with $100 million in budget savings. Gibbs answered the question, and Loven tried to follow up but Tapper smelled big game! So he just talked over her and started badgering Gibbs about the budget, inserting himself into Loven's question like the true gentleman that he is.

Tapper puts his exchanges with Gibbs on his blog with his no-holds-barred take-no-prisoners questions in bold so his mouth-breathing wingnut readers will know who's who. He didn't want any of them to miss out on his hijacking of Loven's question, so he posted that yesterday, too: "I interjected in an exchange between White House press secretary Robert Gibbs and another reporter today, so I've included their exchange (with my interruption) as well as my own."

We should point out in fairness that, unlike many of Tapper's presser questions, the one he interrupted Loven with was actually reasonable. But he still asked it in a very dickish way, so Michelle Malkin's blog thanked him for it. There's a lesson here: Jennifer Loven asked Gibbs about the budget by waiting her turn and being courteous but insistent. No Michelle Malkin link. Tapper asked Gibbs about the budget by interrupting and being confrontational and a dick: Michelle Malkin link!

Get with the program, Loven.

We know how it is working weekends, Rob Fitzpatrick, no worries.

Today Condoleezza Rice signed a three-book deal worth $2.5 million. Okay, maybe a bit more than you want to hear from Condi, but she was Secretary of State and all that, and presumably saw George Bush drunk and naked dozens of times, so she could conceivably sell a few books.

Earlier this month, Diane Keaton got a book deal reported to be worth more than $2 million. Does she have that many fans, really? I don't know, I doubt it, but maybe, who knows? She was in some good movies!

But this?

The comedian Kathy Griffin is writing a memoir, and according to three sources with knowledge of the deal, her literary agent at Endeavor, former Dutton editor-in-chief Trena Keating, sold it at auction last week to an editor at Random House's Ballantine imprint for more than $2 million.

Unless this is titled "Knocking the Dicks Out of My Mouth: 100 Celebrities I Have Slept With Who Would Do Anything For That Fact to Remain Secret," by Kathy Griffin, we fear that the book industry may be losing its grip on reality. [NYO]

Back in 2006, Time named the 10 best and 5 worst US Senators. On the "worst" list, each entry noted that the bad Senator was at least "well-liked" or "affable." Except for Bunning!

In addition to being hostile to staff members on the Hill and occasionally even other Senators, Bunning shows little interest in policy unless it involves baseball, according to congressional experts and colleagues. When asked, they struggle to recall any legislation Bunning has worked on, although he did join Arizona Senator John McCain last spring in demanding tougher punishments for steroid use in professional sports.

And in his 2004 reelection campaign, he claimed his Italian-American opponent looked like Saddam Hussein's sons. Thanks, Kentucky, for forcing this asshole on America.

This weekend, Senator Bunning promised his constituents that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will die really soon.

During a wide-ranging 30-minute speech on Saturday at the Hardin County Republican Party's Lincoln Day Dinner, Bunning said he supports conservative judges "and that's going to be in place very shortly because Ruth Bader Ginsburg … has cancer."

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

"Even though she was operated on, usually, nine months is the longest that anybody would live after (being diagnosed) with pancreatic cancer," he said.

The good news is that literally everyone in the Senate, including Republicans, hates Bunning, and so no one will help him win reelection. The bad news is that he's from Kentucky, where they don't care how much of a dick you are as long as you hate the gays.

There’s nothing wrong with Sarah Jessica Parker that couldn’t be cured by wart-removal surgery. That growth on her face just gets bigger with every close-up, and in the full-length movie version of Sex and the City it’s so distracting you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s not a beauty mark. I guess you can’t tell a co-producer anything, but listen up, girl. At this point, you would make a wonderful Halloween witch.

Even though it's nearly two months later, we're still just as flabbergasted as we were the day that we first read this. It's one thing that this quote got written in the first place, but what really irks us is that this bilious diatribe actually got past an editor and actually made it into print. Congrats, gents ... hope you sleep tight tonight!

Ok, we'll be fair. Karlin does not call himself an alternadad. Though the interviewer suggests it. And Karlin did move to Fort Greene, because it seemed "mellower." Ugh. Anyway, he loves his son very very very much, so good for them.

Also Karlin's working on "a movie about children of divorce" because WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE. We're writing a screenplay about someone who goes back in time to act as a marriage counselor to the parents of Whit Stillman and Noah Baumbach. It's called Journey To The Center of the Universe.

The Newsier Newser [Paid Content]