Alec Baldwin's Family Problems Not His Fault

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

Amy Winehouse's Father About As Awful As Expected

• Amy Winehouse's dad is trying to steal credit for some of his daughter's problems, but not the drug thing. Just the other ones. He was cheating on Winehouse's mom basically since the singer was born, then moved in with his mistress when she was 10, then married the mistress. Now Amy Winehouse makes songs like "What It Is About Men." [Us]
• Unrelated, according to Amy Winehouse's dad: Winehouse called in sick — aka "drugged" — to a concert for the record company execs who cut her checks. [Showbiz Spy]
• Mary-Kate Olsen was spotted at the Waverly Inn with Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl. So totally looks like a date. An awkward date. [Faded Youth]
• It is for some reason taking Britney Spears for-EV-er to shoot her How I Met Your Mother TV cameo at Fox Studios. The singer continues to be allowed to visit her kids. [X17]
• P. Diddy would like to help you get home safely, since you are drunk. Assuming you are on the "A-list" or, more accurately, the "famous and cool enough this week to not die in a drunk driving accident" list. Also, the music producer really wants to protect his $100 million Chiroc vodka endorsement deal. [Showbiz Spy]
• If you trick Eddie Murphy into fathering your child, don't expect the comedian to be all "involved" in the child's life. [Page Six]
• Actor Sean Penn kissed another man on camera, long and hard. [OK]
• Tonight Show host Jay Leno pretended he didn't already know actress Minnie Driver is pregnant. No word on the identity of the father.
• Ryan Phillippe and his son looking cute together, or something. [P6]
• Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis convinced two dozen reporters to come listen to him talk about how he was a "rock star" in jail and received a "great deal of inmate attention."
• The Sun is running "First photo of ailing [Patrick] Swayze." Happy Friday. [Sun]
• Michael Jackson of course will not lose his sad, empty Neverland Ranch, because the singer made a deal with his creditors, to whom he owes $25 million. As you already know, this was fated to happen.
• Probable former gay stripper David Hernandez said getting booted off American Idol is just the first step to making an album with singer Alicia Keys and producer David Foster. [EW]

Britney Throws iPhone In Pool For The Best Reasons In The World

• Apple's miraculous iPhone has exponentially increased the productivity of scuzzballs like sometime Britney Spears boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. Though paparazzo Ghalib has his hands full shopping for pregnancy tests with singer Spears, getting uppity with his former coworkers and maybe cutting exploitive photo deals, the iPhone allowed him to also have internet sexytime chats with other women. Britney found the messages and threw Ghalib's iPhone in a pool, then threw the pap out of her house. He wrote a stupid note offering her "milky soup."
• Rather than take Spears to a psychiatric ward and have LAPD escorts and a paparazzi motorcade shut down traffic, the shrinks now come directly to Spears' house, at least for scheduled checkups. Sensible. [OK!]
• There was an entire car full of security guys just to follow around Spears as she drove her car for the first time in a while. Spears tooled "around aimlessly for hours between Malibu, Beverly Hills and every luxury hotel, Starbucks and fast-food joint in-between."
• A former FBI agent revealed that Mick Jagger was almost killed 40 years ago in an amphibious assassination attempt involving a boatload of Hells Angels whose boat capsized halfway through the attempt. Also terrifying: Singer Carly Simon was halfway through an alleged "affair" with Jagger when a call from Jagger's jealous wife Bianca drove her further into the arms of singer James Taylor.
• J. Lo named her new twins Max and Emme, probably after some kind of show about dragons. Also, her hospital security detail managed not to kill anyone, as far as the public knows, but the entire rest of the maternity ward hates J. Lo's guts.
• Comedian Rosie O'Donnell's most precious item, other than her secret Britney Spears doll, is "my Mac." [Ask Ro]
• Actress Ashley Olsen, or maybe Mary-Kate, is wearing the worst kinds of dead animals in Paris. [Perez]
• British Prince Harry says he is "no hero" upon his return from military service in Afghanistan and probably wishes he could have stayed and continued to flirt with this one female pilot he was keen on.
• Madonna threatens to adopt another baby from the terrified nation of Malawi. [Showbiz Spy]
• Heath Ledger's green 1975 VW van, now stolen, was outfitted with "mass vehicle upgrades" helping bring the total value up to $70,000. [TMZ]
• Diddy finally goes bi. [TMZ]

What's on Uma Thurman's Mind Grapes?

P. Diddy is Hiring a PA (Again)!

Rick Salomon Made An Honest Woman Of Pamela Anderson

Did Diddy Buy E In Ibiza?

Is this a clip of Diddy buying E while in Ibiza? Hard to tell! It comes from a cameraphone, and is sideways. And blurry. The folks at A Hot Mess! seem to think so: "You can even hear him asking for two pills!" Watch and judge for yourself. If this is an actual purchase, we'd like to compliment Mr. Diddy for actually buying his own stuff. Being in his entourage must be the easiest job in the world!

Welcome To Diddy's White House

Car-Chasing Lindsay Lohan Busted With Pants Full Of Cocaine

• Lindsay Lohan had coke on her in her DUI arrest this morning; she was arrested after cops got reports of her white Denali chasing another car. (Two other people were in her car, by the way,and they were released.) [TMZ, TMZ] [Photo: X17]
  
• A tipster tells P6 that Teen Vogue will be the next Condoleeza Nast publication to get its plug pulled, based on the fact that "a bunch of editorial staffers have recently jumped ship, including [editor-in-chief] Amy Astley's assistant, and many more are looking for new jobs." Huh! We hear Amy's assistant quit because she was passed over for a promotion she so totally deserved, but what do we know. Anyway, deathwatch type thing starts now. [Page Six]
  
• So Diddy recorded a revenge song about his baby mama Kim Porter? Dude, so gay. [Page Six]
  
• Hilary Duff made a 9 year old girl cry. No, not about her body image. [Gatecrasher]

Paris Hilton Is Still A Pothead

If Kim Porter And Diddy Can't Make It, What Hope Is There?

Remainders: Marisha Pessl's Cappuccino

Gossip Roundup: We Think of Anderson As More The Scarlett Johansson Of TV News

Jay-Z Joins Dog-Killing Hip Hop Mogul Club

Did Puffy Kill Fluffy?

Gossip Roundup: Angelina Can't Stop the Faintin'