• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

• Apple's miraculous iPhone has exponentially increased the productivity of scuzzballs like sometime Britney Spears boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. Though paparazzo Ghalib has his hands full shopping for pregnancy tests with singer Spears, getting uppity with his former coworkers and maybe cutting exploitive photo deals, the iPhone allowed him to also have internet sexytime chats with other women. Britney found the messages and threw Ghalib's iPhone in a pool, then threw the pap out of her house. He wrote a stupid note offering her "milky soup."
• Rather than take Spears to a psychiatric ward and have LAPD escorts and a paparazzi motorcade shut down traffic, the shrinks now come directly to Spears' house, at least for scheduled checkups. Sensible. [OK!]
• There was an entire car full of security guys just to follow around Spears as she drove her car for the first time in a while. Spears tooled "around aimlessly for hours between Malibu, Beverly Hills and every luxury hotel, Starbucks and fast-food joint in-between."
• A former FBI agent revealed that Mick Jagger was almost killed 40 years ago in an amphibious assassination attempt involving a boatload of Hells Angels whose boat capsized halfway through the attempt. Also terrifying: Singer Carly Simon was halfway through an alleged "affair" with Jagger when a call from Jagger's jealous wife Bianca drove her further into the arms of singer James Taylor.
• J. Lo named her new twins Max and Emme, probably after some kind of show about dragons. Also, her hospital security detail managed not to kill anyone, as far as the public knows, but the entire rest of the maternity ward hates J. Lo's guts.
• Comedian Rosie O'Donnell's most precious item, other than her secret Britney Spears doll, is "my Mac." [Ask Ro]
• Actress Ashley Olsen, or maybe Mary-Kate, is wearing the worst kinds of dead animals in Paris. [Perez]
• British Prince Harry says he is "no hero" upon his return from military service in Afghanistan and probably wishes he could have stayed and continued to flirt with this one female pilot he was keen on.
• Madonna threatens to adopt another baby from the terrified nation of Malawi. [Showbiz Spy]
• Heath Ledger's green 1975 VW van, now stolen, was outfitted with "mass vehicle upgrades" helping bring the total value up to $70,000. [TMZ]
• Diddy finally goes bi. [TMZ]

• Lindsay Lohan had coke on her in her DUI arrest this morning; she was arrested after cops got reports of her white Denali chasing another car. (Two other people were in her car, by the way,and they were released.) [TMZ, TMZ] [Photo: X17]
  
• A tipster tells P6 that Teen Vogue will be the next Condoleeza Nast publication to get its plug pulled, based on the fact that "a bunch of editorial staffers have recently jumped ship, including [editor-in-chief] Amy Astley's assistant, and many more are looking for new jobs." Huh! We hear Amy's assistant quit because she was passed over for a promotion she so totally deserved, but what do we know. Anyway, deathwatch type thing starts now. [Page Six]
  
• So Diddy recorded a revenge song about his baby mama Kim Porter? Dude, so gay. [Page Six]
  
• Hilary Duff made a 9 year old girl cry. No, not about her body image. [Gatecrasher]

• NoLIta establishment shut down for "unlicensed massage." [Racked]
  
• Novelist Marisha Pessl drinks a lot of cappuccinos, orders expensive food. Doesn't seem like she actually eats much of it. [Grub Street]
  
• Diddy is looking for a new assistant. Requirements include "pack clothing selection for business and personal trips." [Save the Assistants]
  
• Some of the reporters on the Virginia Tech case aren't just callous, but also stupid. [Kim Scarborough]
  
• Reviewing the blogs' reviews of Portfolio. Our meta just exploded. [The Deal]

Jay-Z's Hundredth Problem [Humane Society]
Jay-Z Accused of Faux Fur Fraud [TMZ]
Earlier: Did Puffy Kill Fluffy?

"It's just embarassing the kind of ignorance in my man...It's like my man has no marbles up there ... My man is just running up there crazy and the things he's doing are crazy ... Ain't nobody feelin' that war."

Diddy ain't giddy about Bush [Washington Examiner, fifth item]

The melancholia deepened when P. Diddy and his entourage rolled up around midnight. Mr. Diddy is both shorter and fatter than one would expect, and decked out in fedora and striped vest, he added several magnitudes of anomie to an already rather alienating night. He refused to pose for pictures. The press moaned.

"Diddy can do what he wants," said a reporter. "He's so rich, he has white slaves!"

Oh, sweet Jesus. Who said this? We have to know. It's someone from InTouch, right?

Is Beyonce Hillary Clinton? [NYO]

Not to be outdone by Diddy, Gawker mascot Andrew Krucoff takes a camera into the bathroom to note the new viral (ha ha, get it?) ad for Jackass 2. The footage is kind of grainy, but the video stream is strong. (It's hard to stop, sorry.) We just want to know if Krucoff was filming with one hand and holding his dick with the other. Because we never figured him to be that coordinated.

Who are the ad wizzzzzards who came up with this one?? [YM]

Earlier: Breaking: Diddy's Gotta Pee

Really, there's nothing we can add.

Earlier: Diddy's video oeuvre.

We don't lightly link to another video clip of the same thing in the same day, but we are in the closing weeks of summer, and quite frankly, this is excellent no matter the time of year. We mentioned Diddy's new video blog, highlighting his just-awakened self. Above, the man rags on Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson for endorsing Proactiv acne treatment, which Diddy claims he's been "up on" for seven years, hence his "silky smooth cocoa butter skin." Oh yes.

Earlier: It's All About the Bacon & Egg Sandwich

Sean Combs, a.k.a. (as of this writing) Diddy, is pre-pimping the October release of his new album Press Play. As part of that, he's launched a promotional video-blog on YouTube under the aegis of his Bad Boy Records label. Prepare for some of the most riveting celebrity camera-mugging ever seen. The clip above is an instant classic, featuring a just-awakened Diddy complaining about the crud that forms at the corners of his mouth when he sleeps, plus the most gangsta intonation of the word "applesauce" ever recorded.

So if you want to get in touch with Puffy about whether or not he's going to put forth some more of his "art" anytime soon, go to PMK. If you want to talk to him about nightclub shootings and child support, go to DKC. Which is kind of what we were saying the first time around, just with more money.

Earlier: Remainders: Puffy and Dan Klores End the Affair

UPDATE: DKC has contacted us to clarify that they would never work for anyone for a sum so low as $1K and they insist that they are not on "standby" for any sort of "crisis." Now that Fritzo is claiming to be Diddy's number one, it's unclear what DKC's relationship is, but they'll be damned if you think they're cheap.

And now, the usual linkwrap:
• For once, Alessandra Stanley kind of has it right. What truly blew about the Cooper/Jolie interview was not Jolie herself, but the Coop. He was so busy bringing himself up to her super-crusader level, he forget to, like, do his job. [NYT]
• In fact, in all of two hours, there was less than a minute of Zahara talk, which is available for your condensed pleasure.
• Nevertheless, the interview was the #1 cable news program last night amongst young viewers, all of whom were left unsatisfied by the above clip. [TV Newser]
• Spiderman 3 is filming in Cobble Hill tomorrow; keep an eye out for Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams to lead a protest down Smith Street. [Brooklyn Record]
• Six Columbus? Not so much. [Hotel Chatter]
• There's MySpace, then there's AdvertisersSpace — which is still MySpace, but not. You follow? [NYT]
• Did we know that Rolling Stone is finally blogging regularly? [Rock Daily]
• The profound weirdness of Anne Hathaway's photo shoot for Jane, courtesy of pizza delivery boys and the Killers. [Jane]
• Existential crisis du jour: is masturbating to porn mags online as depressing as masturbating to regular old internet porn? [FishbowlNY]