We are some fucked up people, yo.

I mean, believe me, I totally see the appeal in the universe breaking LA off the coast and hiding it 4,000 feet under the sea, like the afikomen of God that will never be cashed in and found, because—sorry, LA—it's LA. Though apparently some people got teary during the part when the Kogi Truck gets swallowed up by an acid-spewing mutant volcano, so I guess it's a complicated emotion. But why are we so desperate to see what the end looks like? Because we're sadists? Masochists? Because we'd like to imagine a world in which only we exist and everything else just doesn't? [Related: Welcome to Lower Manhattan.] Because we want it all to just be totally fucked and end, and we want a hand in it, like that kid who spends five hours building a beautiful sand castle only to "Godzilla" it out of existence for six seconds?

Or because it looks sick? Which apparently, it did. To the tune of $225M.

The 162-minute disaster epic...blew away the competition and took in $65 million in North America in its opening weekend and $160 million worldwide. All totaled, the Roland Emmerich movie, which cost $200 million to make (and tens of millions more to market) grossed $225 million.

That's gotta be it. When the world ends, it's not like we're going to be able to watch it being so awesome. Also, we're all gonna die and it's gonna be crazy but, like, will it really look that cool? Hell to the no, BobbyBrown! It'll probably look like The Road or something. Gray and stupid and dusty and boring. But that's life, you know? Less Roland Emmerich, more Cormac McCarthy. Besides, only in Fakeland can anybody give a shit about Amanda Peet living through the end of the world. OH COME ON.

And then there's this Precious movie. The critics HATED it. Like this one:

Not since The Birth of a Nation has a mainstream movie demeaned the idea of black American life as much as Precious. Full of brazenly racist clichés (Precious steals and eats an entire bucket of fried chicken), it is a sociological horror show.

Ha, oh, just joking, that's batshit Armond White from the New York Press. This guy eats the innocence of children for breakfast and snacks on Labrador puppies for lunch. Also, he hated Up. But! Precious, which is a "the world sucks" movie of a different stripe, did well, too. Look:

The indie movie "Precious," which Lionsgate bought at Sundance, took in about $6.1 million in just 174 theaters in nine cities. That's an impressive $35,000 per-screen average.

Now, granted: 2012 was on about 40 bazillion more screens, but seriously, compared to the other top per-theater take ($19,095 for 2012), it's a pretty incredible number, and a 200% increase from last week's Precious take. That 200% number is not a joke.

Lesson, learned. It goes something like this: when I make my autobiographical epic, I Hope They Smoke Adderall In Hogwarts, I'm going to make sure to append the words "Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey Present." If only real-Hollywood were so smart. Dumbasses. Imagine if they did that to 2012. They would've made enough money to destroy the world for reals. Until then, we have LA's fake-comeuppance to go see again and again and again. Basically, yes:

[Photo of The Great Alderaan Explosion of '77: "Complicated Feelings," Mixed Media, provided by the artist.]

Maclaren, the stroller of choice for parents who insist upon spending too much money on a stroller, has just issued a recall notice for all of its "umbrella strollers." The easiest way to determine whether your Maclaren is one of the affected models is to count your child's remaining fingers.

All Maclaren strollers sold since 1999 are included in the recall, according to a source briefed on the recall.

The step comes after 12 kids allegedly had their fingertips amputated by Maclaren strollers.

Loss of fingertips could impact your child's ability to fill out the little bubbles on the SAT, and should therefore be taken seriously. Please send us pics of the panicked mobs of sexually marginalized Mr. Moms in the streets of Cobble Hill.

[Pic: Pardon Me For Asking]

Consultant "John" and Cornell Business School employee "Lisa" are both married, Guest of a Guest reports, though now that their pictures and email thread are being seen by the entire world those relationships are severely endangered. Blame John's denial fetish: without all that sexual teasing he so clearly relished, he might not have been "WAY TOO FUCKING HORNY" to think straight at work and properly operate Outlook or whatever.

The full email exchange, apparently copied under the leaked email, is an odd mix of sexual panting, taunting and discussion of the mistress' children (who John apparently met) and their eating habits. It's pasted below, but here are some highlights, via Guest of a Guest:

(Top pic: Fredonino on Flickr)

Full thread:

From: John >

Date: November 6, 2009

To: Lisa >, $JSEvents >

Subject: RE:

Thanks! Tell him Hi right back at him when ya see him later!

Hey, can you re-send me that link to the article about Obama, and the one world, NWO? I misplaced the link to that, and hadn't finished reading it yet.

GOD, I can't stop feeling like you're tickling me, and I can't stop TASTING you!!! This is all VERY DISTRACTING!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:58 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Trevor wanted me to be sure to tell you hi he's up here with me today or around here somewhere (I think he took the bus up to the mall).

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:56 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! At the very LEAST!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:55 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That's how I hope to go, only to be revived so we could do it all over again. I guess that would mean doing it TWICE!!!!!!!!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:54 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Yes, my thoughts exactly!

Tickled and licked and orgasmed to death!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:34 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I don't think you will either (she said with a devilishly shy grin), but what a way to go.;-)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:32 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

And by this method, you bring me right to the edge of release, over and over and over again, yet each time I'm denied,and fiendishly tickled even more???

I don't think I'll survive!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:23 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I see me sitting in your lap straddling, really.facing you with my legs draped over your restrained arms and then wrapped around you and your chair holding you in place you're pinned and unable to move. I'm leaning back ever so slightly with my hands braced on your desk, helping me to grind my pussy against you.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:21 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OH DEAR GOD HELP ME!!!

You are pushing buttons that are getting me WAY TOO FUCKING HORNY for being stuck at work!!!

And just WHAT am I supposed to do now??? I can practically FEEL your torturous little fingernails flitting across my stomach, and they're making me ACHE with the desire for RELEASE!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:07 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I have visions of strutting into your office in nothing but a trench coat and CFM heels locking the door duct taping your hands to the arms of your chair teasing your with my nails and tongue, tickling, poking, prodding..and then straddling your rock hard cock. Only to stop just seconds before you cum..and start all over again.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:03 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Again, I SECOND that motion! (No pun intended!!! :))

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:02 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Yep, that sounds EXACTLY like something I would do.forget twice, I'd be doing it over and over and over and over again!!!

and I'd give anything to be doing exactly that right now!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:00 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, you are CERTAINLY THAT for me also Baby! And I second the motion on time to hold you in my arms.

I think about the time spent on your couch often, in that regard. Plus, I also recall looking deep into your eyes, touching your face, and kissing you SO DEEPLY

And I also recall your naughty little hands getting very playful, snaking their way down my shirt to tickle!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:57 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

AMEN to that sweetie.you are my ounce of sanity in a very insane world right now .thank you so very much for that.I just wish I could spend more time hiding in the safety of your arms..

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:55 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, me too!

And you are CERTAINLY THAT for me also Baby, among many other wonderful things! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:51 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

(I like the private porn star best of all hehehehehe)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:48 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

ALL OF THE ABOVE BABY!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:46 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I knew I could count on you!!! You're my hero!!!! My knight in shining armor!!! My private porn star!!!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:44 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OH, I can SERIOUSLY help you with both of those Baby, don't worry!

And I will be SO FUCKING HORNY after I get done SPANKING that FINE ASS of yours for hours, you'll be FULL for a week after you swallow me! And I hear that CUM is an excellent source of protein, as well as other nutrients!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:39 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Because more than half the time, I'm actually just fixing for just Jake as Trevor has already eaten half the house by the time I get home. And the minute we come in the door, Jake is heading straight for his highchair and wanting fed before I even have my coat off. So I fix him something quick (grilled cheese, omelet, etc.). Or over the weekend I'm make a big pot of something so we can have leftovers, which Jake and Trevor don't mind, but I get sick of them within a day or two and resort back to popcorn.I'm bad, I know.I think I need a good spanking.and to be put on my knees and force fed.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:34 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Well, the my willing to feed you part goes without saying Baby!

So when you're fixing dinner for Trevor and Jake, why don't you just make enough for you also?

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:30 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

It's the same thing I had yesterday honey.truth be told, I really don't eat very well anymore. I'm so busy with Jake that I don't have much time to fix anything decent for myself it's easier for me to fix him and Trevor dinner and then throw a bag of popcorn in the microwave for myself.BUT, if you're willing to feed me, I'm willing to swallow each and every time!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:27 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Leftover chicken from last night. And a diet Mountain Dew!

A bagel is your lunch??? You need to CUM up here more often to I can feed you properly!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:25 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

A bagel and a soda.what are you having?

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:24 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! I hear ya!

What's for lunch today?

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:16 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

.I'm just sitting here eating my lunch and giggling at this whole conversation, we just crack me up!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:15 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yes, you CERTAINLY WOOD Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:01 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I'd have you up in the front seat right next to me.and although my car is an automatic, I do know how to drive a stick shift.and I'd be sure to have a stick to shift on my way home.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:59 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! EXACTLY where I was going with this sweetie! See, we are on the same wavelength, as usual!

You have me in the back of your car right now, tied up in the back seat. And you're sitting on me, giggling and tickling, giving me sort of a preview of what I can expect when you get me home! And I am sitting here SO FUCKING HARD from thinking about this!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:54 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That depends on your definition of concerned But if I'm lurking in the dark to get you then conversely, you could be lurking in the dark to get me and just the mere thought of that doesn't concern me, but makes me very wet.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:52 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Too funny Lisa!

So let's see you like bats, the dark, and the idea of tying me up, kidnapping me, and then mercilessly tickle torturing me!

Should I be concerned??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:49 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

LOLOLOL.see, even the powers that be knew how much I liked the dark, so they just shut power of .sadly it came back on which is just as well, cause I was too far away from your desk any way!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:21 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Oh? And why is that??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:07 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That's on my schedule for Monday.first thing.actually, if Don leaves Sunday night, I'll be making a night time raid.after all, I work best after dark.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:05 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! What was it you said to me last week? Something about tying me up and taking me home, never to be seen again??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:56 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

You're sooooo willing.one of the many admirable traits I find so endearing about you.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:54 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OK!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:53 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Let me cum up there and feel ya.I need to see for myself.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:52 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

AT LEAST!!! The way I'm feeling right now!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:50 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Yes it would.at least twice!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:50 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

That'll work!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:48 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I'd do a private showing for you babe.just you, me, and your lap.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:47 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Only if YOU'RE dancing there Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:44 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

You and me both baby.so any big bachelor plans for the weekend?? Kumas? (hehehehe.)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:43 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Don't I wish!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:06 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

It (and me) are only a bus ride away.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:05 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Wow! I just LOVE that idea! And it would require no extra seasoning, seeing as how it would have your savory juices all over it!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:01 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Uh,a bright blue thong.if you want more specifics you;ll have to just see it for yourself.it could be your lunch;-)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:59 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Well, be specific please!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:57 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

A thong of course.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:56 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

That sounds VERY SEXY to me!!! What kind of panties do you have on??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:53 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I really hate the weekends anymore, how pathetic is that?!!?

On another note, I look like a damn schoolgirl today. Jake was up at 5:15 this morning and full of piss and vinegar so I had very little time to get ready. My hair's up in a pony tail and I've got on sneakers, jeans, and a sweatshirt.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:51 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

My thoughts EXACTLY Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:50 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Damn.wish I could be a bachelorette this weekend!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:49 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! That's it exactly!

That was a GOOD ONE Lisa! Thanks! I'm going to start calling them that!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:47 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

So you get to be a bachelor this weekend, just you and the kamikaze birds.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:45 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Hard to say, my wife is on her way down there now, and the family is divided on what to do at this point.

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:43 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

How's your mother-in-law? This must be such a difficult time for all concerned.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:42 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, me too! I thought about you bunches yesterday!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:41 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Glad you're back. I've missed you for sure. but then again, I'm always missing you!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:38 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Hi Baby!

Much better, thanks! Here at work now.

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 8:33 AM

To: John Wilson

Subject:

Good morning sweetheart.you've been MUCH on my mind this morning. I'm worried and anxious to hear how you're doing this morning.

Anyone who has watched the show knows that Kim can't sing. She couldn't perform in the recording booth and she couldn't learn when she got voice lessons. Instead she just sort of makes a croaking noise like a sorority girl that is about to puke up those seven beers next to a tree on the quad. It was a bit shocking when the track came out and it wasn't that bad. Catchy, fun, and AutoTuned within an inch of its life thanks to fellow Housewife Kandi Burruss, "Tardy for the Party" became a campy hit in gay bars and for anyway who has a TiVo season pass for the show.

While everyone was just about sick of it, the one thing that Kim can do to further interest in the track was sing it live, without the aid of computer tricks to make her voice sound good. This wasn't like watching a train wreck, because sometimes in a train wreck there are survivors. This was like watching a massacre. Kim couldn't sing, even with a back-up track that was doing most of the work. She couldn't keep up with her stilted back up dancers. She couldn't get the look of pained concentration off her face. Someone give this girl a glass of chardonnay and a shotgun, because she needs both.

But the oddest thing was the reaction of the Housewives, none of whom would say it was the biggest turd they have ever seen. They all said they "liked the song" and it "had a good beat," but none would mention the wigged elephant in the room—it was an earth-shatteringly bad number. It was like when you see your friend's baby for the first time and it's really ugly and you say "What a baby! Look at the baby!" because you can't say "Your baby is ugly," but that's what you're thinking and you're just looking for something to say that won't be a lie but won't be insulting either.

In fact, the whole two-part reunion special was like that. Even host Andy Cohen seemed clued in that the ladies must have gotten together beforehand and decided that they weren't going to trash each other and instead pretend to make nice and keep Bravo from getting any juicy footage to exploit. It made the two hours very sad and somber indeed, with characters like NeNe Leakes and Lisa Wu-Hartwell keeping their opinions to themselves for a change. Well, if we can't have our favorite girls behaving badly, at least we can have them performing badly. And Kim's epic flame out is one for the reality television record books.

In the killing fields of NBC chatland, what little peace and stability had been achieved was just been blown to smithereens by a little hint dropped by Jay Leno, that, oh yes, now that you mention it, he'd be willing to take his old slot back.

Pity poor Conan O'Brien; his ratings are off 47 percent from Jay's, competing not just against Leno's legacy but Letterman's ongoing scandal. And then his lead-off batter, in a Q&A with Broadcasting and Cable, drops this:

If someone [from new ownership] comes in tomorrow and puts you back at 11:35, are you thrilled?

Oh, I don't know. Are you married? Whatever you want, honey.

You know I don't believe a word you are saying, right?

I'm not having a bad time at 10 o'clock now. I look at this as a job, and now I'm faced with a challenge, and it's a challenge I find difficult but interesting. I find that when I go to Vegas, whereas before I might not sell out, all of a sudden it's sold out. I seem to be doing better in terms of public appearances. I am reaching a wider audience. Whether that translates to television just yet, I don't know. But I see a difference.

Now why is that, because I'm in the paper every day? I don't know. Because I'm on earlier? I'm actually doing well; this is almost the best year for personal appearances since I started. So there is no negativity there.

Do you want to go back to 11:35?

If it were offered to me, would I take it? If that's what they wanted to do, sure. That would be fine if they wanted to.

If you are Conan O'Brien reading the above, it might occur to you that that 11:30 slot to which Jay is graciously willing to return is the one that you currently occupy.

Elsewhere in the interview, Jay shows himself to be startingly self-aware of the differences between himself and Letterman, and delivering a sort of triple backhanded compliment, saying of Dave's current scandal:

He's not being a hypocrite; Dave has never set himself up as [a model citizen]. If it were me, it would kill me. I'm the guy who's been married 29 years. But Dave has never pretended to be Mr. Moral America, he's never set himself up that way. He's not a hypocrite. I don't know how it will be viewed. He doesn't do corporate days like me, he's not as advertiser-friendly as I am. I'm the guy when Coke or Pepsi is here, I come down and shake hands and take pictures, but he doesn't do that. I don't think it will have a big effect at all.

All this occurs as the backdrop to the ratings horror show of the Leno experiment. The moment we would see the genius of the whole plan, NBC had promised, was when the other networks dramatic shows went into reruns, and there would be low-cost Jay with fresh shows to come in and clean up. Well, last week Jay had his first head-to-head against reruns and the results were not pretty. Leno actually hit his lowest number yet against a CSI: Miami repeat.

And elsewhere, the Leno lead-in seems to be pulling down local news shows across the nation.

So just to sum up the Ben Silverman legacy: NBC has decimated one of its three prime-time hours, its affiliates news shows are sinking, its late night line-up is staggering along at half the viewership of a year ago, and now its 11:30 host must once again watch his back against his network teammate.

The one thing that can be said in this whole arrangement's favor is that NBC getting out of the drama business is probably a great thing for NBC and, certainly a great thing for America. It may not be a law of nature that the big networks are incapable of launching decent dramas, but it certainly looks that way at the moment, and extra-certainly does so for NBC which just surrendered the acclaimed Southland to basic cable. Until the network figures out a way to produce shows that seem to have been created in the same space-time continuum as the HBO shows, Mad Men, Damages and even Lost or 24, it is probably better for everyone that they just sit out a few games.

1010 Wins says a dead body was found on the tracks. No word on whether or not it was the result of a suicide. But we'll go ahead and post all these tips, just to illustrate how messed up a city can get by one single incident...

These videos are not the most enthralling things ever. Watch them if you will. But we got this report from a person on the train in the video:

The L train stopped underground between the Bedford and the 1st Avenue station around 10:44a.m.- give a few minutes here or there. Being just prior to 1st avenue, we waited underground for 15 minutes if that, and moved a couple of inches every few minutes. The announcement was then stated that we were to be evacuated onto a train in front of our own... I'm assuming that it was backed up into the tunnel to provide a link for us to arrive at 1st avenue by foot. The train operator having come out from the conductors closet told another passenger that "no, someone isn't sick... it's an injury". This was my first understanding of what had caused us to halt the transit. When we all had quietly and patiently (I felt quite in awe by the patience of the crowd) onto the 1st avenue platform we came upon a grouping of New York's finest, all guarding the first train car. There were stretchers and such. I couldn't say for sure if someone was laid out on the seat in the first train car, nor if they were alive, though that was the glimpse of things, and based on assumption that someone was injured, it seemed that car was providing the medical and emergency assistance either he or she required. We stepped above ground just after 11am.

And, we heard from another L train rider who told a similar story about going to work this morning—probably on that very same train:

I was riding on it, toward the back of the train. Train slows down,
then just stops. The front cars reached the First Avenue platform, the
back cars—where I was—were still in the tunnel. After a couple of
minutes of delay, they said there had been an "injury" to a passenger
and we would have to all evacuate. Anyway, since the back of the train
wasn't even at the platform, we all had to walk toward the middle of
the train and get off there. We were at the far end of the platform
and had to walk down.

We got off, and then it was all crazy. Dozens and dozens of firemen
(carrying axes, which was particularly odd) and lots of police
officers.

They had a gurney laid out near the front of the train, but again, had
no idea what happened from there

How bad was it? Another L train passenger tells us that much later, everything was still totally fucked: "I was actually one of the hundreds of people waiting for the L to arrive at 1st Ave, around 12:30. The station was open, and there hadn't been any announcement over the loudspeaker, but they didn't have that countdown to the next arrival displayed. Then there was an announcement on the screen that usually displays the next arrival, saying there was an investigation at 1st Ave. But I didn't see any cops, paramedics, or anything on the tracks or anything like that."

Box Office Mojo sez: It opened on 120 screens and raked in a total of $369K, for an opening weekend average of $3,075 per screen. That puts Tucker's movie eighth in per-screen revenue out of the nine movies that opened last weekend. Although he came close to matching the $3,100 per screen average of Blind Date (2009).

But sometimes critically acclaimed films don't have boffo box offices. It's just the nature of high art. Let's go to the reviews:

• Reuters: "the film is unfunny from first minute to last, and its half-hearted attempts at emotion merely underscore its general loathsomeness."
• USA Today: "This unfunny, über-misogynistic adaptation of Tucker Max's audacious best-seller of the same name is unlikely to please anyone."
• Chicago Tribune: "The result just might be the most hypocritical feature in the history of film as well as the history of hypocrisy, and along with serving beer, I hope they show 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' in hell."
• San Francisco Chronicle: "That was epic, bro. You should make a movie ...No, you shouldn't! Put down the digital camera, step away from Robert McKee's guide to screenplays, and get back to ramming your head through Sheetrock during spring break."
• New York Times: "a mediocre gross-out movie that barely pushes the envelope."
• Boston Globe: "Ridiculously cheap-looking, smug, scurrilous, but fairly evolved for a project so fundamentally unevolved."

The minor fire at Google quickly turned into a real-life re-enactment of that Onion video, "Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause of Dorm Fire" (see below). Luckily, we have Twitter to sort through the pictures, along with the editors at PaidContent. Google intern Jed Christiansen tweeted that the fire started in a fifth-floor barbecue; he presumably heard this second hand since, as his picture below indicates, he was in a pub at the time. Not like the fellow who "narrowly escaped death."

In addition to copious photos, the best of which are collected below, the tweeting masses have also come up with plenty of jokes, including "Let's hope they had a good firewall" (groan!) and, our favorite, "Employees searching for a fire extinguisher found 1.4 million results."

By Google software engineer Nicholas Roard.

Via noileum on Twitter.

Roard finagles an iPhone picture while fleeing in terror. Excellent! (via PaidContent, since removed from Roard's Twitter stream.)

Google intern Christian's shot of the pub, after the fire brooke out.

Pub, part 2.

Smoky haze outside, by Berian Reed. Now that's a BBQ!

The grill is finally tamed. David Sim.

Researchers at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have developed a process in which the DNA from a mother with a disease — like the muscle disease myopathy — is placed within a donor egg. That egg is then fertilized with the father's sperm and presto! You have a baby who lacks the disease. It's all very scientific!

The studies' coordinators say that little Spindler, who has three equally adorable siblings, represents the next step in the fight against genetic defects. Foes, however, say otherwise, like Stephen Green, the director of Britain's Christian Voice. He thinks this study will only bring disaster and a bevy of awkward moments:

These things are always done with the best of intentions but we have to think whether this will lead to any unintended consequences. When the child finds out they have two mummies, how will they feel?

Um, probably pretty good knowing they didn't inherit some life-threatening or disfiguring disease. But what do they know? They're just children.

Yes, the new, improved children do inherit a teeny, tiny bit of DNA from the donor "mummy," but are essentially the offspring from the parents in question. So, Mr. Green, quit your griping and save your "two mummies" argument for the gays. At least then you'll have a case. (Well, not really, but we'll let him have his sick, exclusionary fun.)

A researcher named Hans Larsson, who cites Jurassic Park as his inspiration, announced this week that he could soon to play God with Chicken genomes to create creatures with dino-like characteristics.

As we all know, dinosaurs and birds are closely related, so by pulling a DNA switcheroo, Larsson says, he can produce an army of prehistoric monsters. In an effort to lull humanity into a false sense of security, Larsson insists he doesn't have immediate plans to do so, because it would simply be too large an undertaking.

While the prospect of dinosaurs roaming the world is unsettling enough, consider where Larsson's getting the dough for his project: Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canada Research Chairs programme and National Geographic. Now, we don't want to tell the President how to do his job, but this should end.

Imagine if terrorists got their hands on the research! Osama bin Laden would be riding up and down Manhattan on a T-Rex and suicide Pterodactyls would be crashing from coast-to-coast. Something. Must. Be. Done.

First step: invent time machine. Second step: stop Jurassic Park's publication. Third step: live happily ever after.

Image via niznoz's flickr.