On ABC Family at 8PM, there is: THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS. Okay, you ready: it's HOME ALONE meets HOMEWARD BOUND. There's this dog voiced by A.C. Slater, and the dog outsmarts a bunch of thieves who come to the house to piss on some well-to-do white family's Christmas tree. WHO WILL COME OUT ALIVE?

On CBS at the notably more risque hour of 9PM, there's A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS. Aside from the fact that this is the stupidest dog name since "Doctor Frumpykins Esquire," I can't even complete this sentence without, I mean: just...like, are you, UGH.

A Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation based on the novel of the same name, in which a developmentally challenged young man (Noel Fisher) adopts a yellow Lab that he names Christmas — while trying to convince his rural community to take part in the local animal shelter's "Adopt a Dog for Christmas" program.

This strikes me as unnecessarily cruel to developmentally challenged people, who are far, far more competent in the realm of making TV magic happen as opposed to whoever the fuck's running prime time TV these days. Hopefully the kid won't go all the way with this one, but if he felt the need to, he could certainly get into some method acting by occupying an office at either network's original programming divisions. Also, Christmas is officially here too early. I now feel violated by the Christmas spirit. I'm sorry, but doesn't a Christmas-themed movie about adopted dog and a "developmentally challenged young man" just feel exploitative? No. NO. DO NOT WANT. EVER. Also, why would two networks run competing made-for-TV movies about dogs? Theory:

TV's nod to the megapopular big-screen movie "Marley & Me," which opened last Christmas season with stars Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson — and told the tale of a mischievous yellow Lab, Marley, and his effect on his human family.

Oh, that's right. Because you saw it work a year ago and now two network heads think people want more of what they had before! Well, spoiler alert:

Yeah, the dog dies. It dies. It's depressing. Dogs are wonderful and then they die, like everything else, including the Christmas spirit, which you have just ensured to be empty and stillborn. Sure, I don't have to watch these shows—nobody does! And they shouldn't!—but that doesn't make CBS and ABC Family any less awful, and terrible, and just plain cruel and stupid. Those crook fuckers.

Business Insider did the (wet) nose to the ground investigation. See the original video:

And the new ad.

The verdict?

The spot features said bulldog scrabbling across what appears to be Armstrong's Artesian Classics Color Wash in Birch Natural. (No, we're not flooring experts; the Armstrong website tells us this is what the spot features.) In the commercial, the dog is referred to as "Charlie," but we thought his body and skating style all indicate that he may indeed be Tillman.

Guess what? He totally is Tillman. A rep for BBDO, New York, confirmed this afternoon

BRO. Bark Burnquist over here is cashing in. Glad to know ad agencies are spending scrilla giving the people The Real McCoy instead of some fake-ass wanna be ruff ridin' pooch. Still complaining about not being able to get a job? This dog's got hustle and—possibly—a slick backwards-manual-to-fakie-ollie. The job market needs skillz. If Tillman teaches us anything, it's that they're out there. Dogg.

Here we have America's newest magazine Cesar's Way, combining a popular television personality, dogs, and celebrities talking about their dogs. Every other magazine in America is worried about folding, but this invincible trifecta of American interests makes Cesar's Way the surest media bet until Jill Abramson's god damn 'Puppy Diaries' book comes along.

"Can your dog fix your marriage? Just ask Jada Pinkett Smith." That seems like a bizarre conversation.

Dogs and famous people, together at last!

"My babies don't walk-they take a limo. Juicy's legs are two inches long! This is not a marathon runner. I have more hair under my arms than Juicy has on her whole body."

Relaxing at home, Cindy's wearing a black T-shirt with heart-shaped photos of the pooches on the breast. "My breeder makes them every Christmas or New Year's, or the day the incinerator got stuffed up-whatever day there is to celebrate," she says. "I have hundreds of them."

The fact that Cindy can reveal these psychotic tendencies for years on end and not be involuntarily committed just goes to show how great New York really is.
[Pic: Getty]

The bloody Snuggie wars, a hopeless morass of battling tribal factions garbed in everything from towel togas to Sealpelts, is now afflicting our canine companions. A human "revenge" upon the lesser orders for the swine flu debacle? We shall not know peace in our lifetimes.

[via Snuggie Sightings. Thanks, C!]

John Strong, a kindly man who runs a freak show on Coney Island, offered to buy Lilly and bring her here to the Big Apple, where she could achieve fame and fortune while amazing visitors with her many-leggedness. But then some lady in North Carolina too Lilly in and had her fifth leg removed, under the guise of "helping" her. Yea, helping her grow up to work at the 7-11!

"She'd better keep the dog's leg because she's not going to have a leg to stand on when I get through with her," said Strong, who has eight two-headed turtles and a two-headed cow in his menagerie.

John Strong is not a man to be trifled with. According to the NYT he "shares his bed with a dog named Wally, as well as tiny two-headed turtles that swim in little dishes," which indicates a fantastic aptitude for not rolling over in the middle of the night. He's still fighting to win custody of Lilly. And why not? Would a dog really feel "exploited" by working on Coney Island, which boasts America's highest concentration of hot dogs per square mile? It's a dream come true. Come, Lilly. Here, girl.

[NYT, NYP. Pic: AP]

[via Adfreak]

Earlier this week Gothamist reported that Chrissie had been suspended from her job at Plum TV after the New York Post reported that she was screaming anti-Semitic slurs at the Hasidic Jewish cop who arrested her for her pugskullery. Now, they say, she's officially been canned. She says it was for "'equivocating' in the press" when she initially denied making anti-Semitic statements; Plum TV told Gothamist "Her employment was terminated for valid reasons, unrelated to the determination of whether or not she made the objectionable statements as alleged in the press."

HMMM. All we ever wanted was for this to be a stupid, stupid story about a dog, and its puke, and the L train, to while away the long hours of the summer. Yet now it has metastasized into something bigger—and uglier. Brodigan very explicitly denies that she ever made any anti-Semitic comments. The only evidence she did is one mysterious "witness" quoted by the city's shadiest tabloid. It's turned tragic. The only one who could clear this all up is the pug. And he's not talking.
[Gothamist. Pic via]

The reason for the treason is either Brodigan's third pug puke-related victimization, or her own failing: the New York Post found a witness that said Brodigan was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at the arresting officer, a Hasidic Jew. Now, Gothamist reports that Brodigan's employer, Plum TV, has "suspended her without pay and may terminate her, pending an internal investigation."

But! Brodigan explicitly denies ever saying the things the Post's witness said she said, and says she may sue the paper for slander.

Where does Ray Kelly stand on this? Why is the White House still silent? Where is the pug's deposition? What does Abe Foxman have to say? This just goes to show that even the most inconsequential incidents can become life-altering when the media gets involved. Thanks a lot, people like us.
[Gothamist]

"[There is] no indication that she was [manhandled]," [New York Police Commissioner Ray Kelly!!] said of Brooklyn blogger Chrissie Brodigan.

So now The Fuzz thinks they can intimidate citizens, pug dog owners, pukers, and bloggers alike by trotting out the "big guns" to try to shut down our protests? So Ray Kelly thinks this is "an appropriate issue for the Civilian Complaint Review Board to handle," eh?

Well that's actually pretty reasonable.

But dog-in-a-bag L train riders and their supporters will not be muzzled! Ray Kelly, we demand that you—and, hell, Mayor Bloomberg too, at this point—clear your schedules immediately to answer the following interrogatories:

FIRST: Why would you want anything bad to happen to a poor sick pug dog?

SECOND: Do you think pug dogs are cute, or just weird looking?

AND FINALLY: Have you ever gotten sick on a train? If so, explain in humorous detail.

Justice for L train dog puke victims—now and forever!
[NYP]

Chrissie's version: Her pug got sick on the subway, so she took it out of its bag, then a cop ran up and grabbed her and harassed her and arrested her and said anti-woman things!

The cop's version, courtesy of the New York Post, obv: Chrissie Brodigan is a crazy anti-Semite who went wild on the cop in question—NYPD's first Hasidic cop!

But a witness, Viane Delgado, said Brodigan was the one out of line. Delgado said Witriol "repeatedly" asked the woman to place the barking pug in a carrier she had. But instead, she allegedly insulted him with anti-Semitic slurs and tried to walk away.

"You f—-ing Jew, you're not even human," Delgado quoted Brodigan as saying.

She repeatedly said, "Jewish people think they own everything," a source said.

Ha, really? A little extreme, no? Chrissie denies saying this. Do people really say that, in Williamsburg? Pug owners? It seems doubtful. We're just reporting, here.

No word on whether the pug is still puking, but we will bring you word as soon as this important saga develops further, puke-wise or otherwise.
[NYP. Pic via Gothamist]

Reports the New York Post:

Manhattan Housing Court Judge Arlene Hahn dismissed the case Monday, ruling the dog's owners were not properly served in the suit.

"The board is trying to evict a family, and it can't even serve the initial papers correctly," said Michael Schwartz, the lawyer for (the Lyons). "Maybe the board should be put on a leash."

After The Post broke the story in January, the backlash against the TV newswoman was so strong, she was forced to resign from the board.

"After discussions with neighbors and others, [my husband] and I have become increasingly concerned about my personal safety," O'Brien wrote in a Feb. 16 e-mail to the co-op.

We couldn't help but notice that "Ugo" bears a striking resemblance to former CNNer/epic prick Bob Novak. Could there be something deeper at play in O'Brien's hatred for this dog?

Dog Stays By Odor of the Court [New York Post]

Yankee stadium. Citi Field. New. Shiny. Expensive $2500 seats! Which are empty, because, really, who is gonna buy that, right now, really? So fans cluster in the upper decks and eat the snacks they snuck in from home while the ushers stop them from moving down into the good, empty, expensive seats. What would Goose Gossage think?

Iraq. War-torn. But getting better! Jobs are open. But Iraqis won't take them, because they don't care for the car bombs and whatnot. So foreign workers from Bangladesh and other wretched countries are rushing in to fill the gap. Makes it harder for foreign reporters to discuss current events with cafe waiters. What would Thomas Friedman think?

Flint, Michigan. A terrible city, in Michgan. Was once big. Now getting smaller. Because rather than pursue the impossible task of rehabilitating decrepit and abandoned neighborhoods, the city is just bulldozing them. Forget it. Huddle together. Hold the fort. More open spaces! What would Jane Jacobs think?

Trouble. The name of a dog. A tiny Maltese. Owned by Leona Helmsly. Got left $12 mil by Leona in her will. Courts stepped in. Now? Only $2 mil for Trouble. The rest goes to "charities." Is Maltese coddling not a charity? What would Leona think?

We give up.

This email went out to the Park Slope Parents Messageboard, the place where the community is kept safe:

Dogs IN Tot Lot??!!!
Posted by: "bklynfam" jewelsluv@gmail.com bklynfam
Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:13 pm (PDT)

Dear Parents,

I am very upset that so many parents violate park rules and bring their dogs INTO the Tot Lot. For example today I was there for just 2 hours and three people brought their dogs. One of those parents even let their dog OFF LEASH. I am livid.

I don't care how cute, or small your dog is, or if you are holding it on a tight leash. Keep your dog out of the playground away and from MY child and all the children!! And when I say something to you about your dog, don't give me an attitude. You are breaking the rules and being totally arrogant and irresponsible. Leave your dog at home like I do.

Rules are rules for a reason. The fact is that dogs are animals and can turn mean for any reason; another kid or parent gets too close it it's owner or child, a child pets it too hard, or pulls a tail or ear, OR as toddlers do, FALL, may fall on a dog or near it and scare it. BITE.

Call To Action: Write a complaint e-mail to the Prospect Parks department asking for clearer, more prominent sign that clearly state NO PETS. Send you e-mail to info@propectpark.org . And say something to people who bring dogs. Tell them it is not allowed. If they don't leave or give you s++t, then call the Parks Enforcement Patrol at 718-437-1350 (put this number in your cell phone).

Thanks,
Juliette- dog owner to a dog that stays home, and mom to a toddler that betta' not get bit by someone's dog...

...OR ELSE, bitches. Or else.

DJ Honda's killer pit bull is carving a swath of terror on the model-infested L.E.S., attacking all of the other designer dogs. Including Bebe, the yorkie owned by the lady who does the faces of Kate Moss and Penelope Cruz!

"S

he said, 'Is it OK if Bebe says hello to the dogs?' " [DJ Honda co-dog owner] Lee said. "One of my babies said hello and then Bebe snapped and started growling. Then my baby bit her. If Bebe didn't start growling, my dog wouldn't have bit her."

Okay dogfighting is wrong, but this dog-cliche-ing is just inhuman. [NYP]

As always, you can buy this masterpiece on Ebay.

[Previously in 'Dan Lacey Paints Your Suggestions': Rush the Hutt, Octomom's Crucifixion, and S&M Goat.]

TMZ reports that the puppy, a Portugese water dog, will arrive on Tuesday. It's a boy, six months old, and, in a move so contrived and Clintonesque that we can only marvel at its nauseating brilliance, it comes from the same lineage as Sunny and Splash, the beloved dogs of Ted Kennedy, the dying lion of the Senate. The Kennedy family will personally present the Obama family with the puppy—we bet you cameras will be there!

The dog comes from a Texas breeder who has sold three Portugese water dogs to Kennedy in the past (one of them, Splash, is at right). In another bit of Clintonian maneuvering, the Obamas have gotten around the perfectly sensible demands from animal rights activists that they adopt an abandoned dog rather than purchase one from a breeder by finding one that had been returned to the breeder by a family who no longer wanted it. So it's a purebred, and a Kennedy, but also homeless! Dick Morris would be proud.

His name is Charlie, but the Obamas will give him a new one when he arrives at the White House, TMZ says.

TMZ didn't name the breeder, and we bet that—the chicanery over the fact that it was an unwanted purebred notwithstanding—it will want to remain anonymous. The poor breeder who sold Joe Biden his German Shepherd last year got a months-long PETA-inspired campaign of harassment and death threats from animal-rights activists for its trouble, not to mention scrutiny from local animal welfare officials.

[Photo of Bosse by Fredrik Ottedag.]