What does it take to achieve the very highest level of free perks that a hotel chain can offer?

Today, more evidence that pensions are a slow-moving disaster that will in your lifetime consume our nation like the inexorable creep of hot lava down a volcano’s edge consumes everything in its path.

So far the best thing anyone’s been able to say about the Brexit fallout is that it probably(?) will not be as bad as the collapse of Lehman Bros, which sent the U.S. into a once-in-a-lifetime recession. So... green shoots.

The worst thing you can do is to PANIC. So if you are the sort of person prone to PANIC, do NOT read the following facts.

Are you now or have you ever been a smoker of the dreaded “tobacky?” Perhaps you gave up the habit long ago, for your health? No matter—you are doomed.

Many financial types are very confident that China will have a financial meltdown in the near(?) future. The fear is so widespread that you can make a lot of money if China’s stock market doesn’t go to hell.

You may be a busy person, but it is important to keep up-to-date on the most current threats to the stability of the global economy, which could plunge us all into poverty and despair. Speaking of that, is China poised for a disaster of hideous proportions?

The longer we go without a major financial crisis, the more tempting it becomes for the billionaire investors to jump in with their wager that the next crisis is coming soon. Another master of the universe has officially jumped onto the “doom is at hand” train.

The climate is changing. The earth is warming. Sea levels are rising. We know all of these things to be true. Today, we have a clearer picture of who could soon be inundated by the mighty oceans, and where they might go ( to a watery grave).

Here is a fun new theory to add to the annals of looming financial apocalypse: at least one analyst believes that the global shipping industry is foreshadowing global doom.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is down (another) 400 points so far today, as oil prices continue to fall with no end in sight and a major investment bank announces new layoffs. Like 2008, this will be a year of panic. Prepare.

Why can’t you find The Greatest Publication Ever Made on any newsstand or web browser or TV network? Because people don’t want it.

Predictions about financial markets are, almost without exception, notoriously wrong and worthless. With that caveat: we have our first respectable major DOOM prediction of 2016!

Barnes and Noble plans to save itself from inevitable death by “expanding its offerings of toys, games, gadgets and other gifts and reshaping the nation’s largest bookstore chain into a ‘lifestyle brand.’” Eh. Gawker readers once suggested “Turn them into bars,” which seems more likely to succeed.

You may be under the impression that you have already been deluged with all of the projections about the bad things climate change will do to the world in the next century. Not so. It could be worse than you think.

Here is what everyone agrees on: this Halloween, a “massive” asteroid will pass close to earth at “unusually” high speeds. Will it kill us? Well, that is the question.

During the Democratic debates last night, Bernie Sanders hinted at the need for a tax on carbon to fight climate change. He’s not the only one!

“Investing in the water industry is one of the great opportunities for the coming decades,” says a New York money manager. “Water is the scarce resource that will define the 21st century, much like plentiful oil defined the last century.” Oh goodie. The 21st century is gonna be great.

Lo! What fresh horrors shall the demon gods of global warming be visiting upon humanity in the near future, according to relentlessly negative scientists? Well, killing grandma, for one.

Parts of South Florida will be underwater before you know it. Nevertheless, Florida is busily building new condos all the way down the coast, because fuck it, they can $ell them. Or can they?