If we as a nation were to answer the question, "What are your two biggest problems?" the response would be "We are fat and broke." Well, you can't have it all, America. But you can be broke and skinnier!

Last year, the best-selling magazine in America was Sandra Bullock's "Meet My Baby" issue of People. Second-best? Woman's World's "Dr. Oz's Metabolism Makeover!" issue, which features an image of Dr. Oz on its cover—right next to a picture of a pie (top left).

You know how when you're on a diet, you're not supposed to think about food? A new study indicates that imagining yourself eating a specific food means you'll eat less of that food in real life. So start imagining.

The most prolific eater of our time, Takeru Kobayashi, owns the world records for eating hot dogs, hamburgers and meat balls. But last night in Brooklyn he failed in his attempt to be the world's greatest pizza eater. What happened?

Americans hate vegetables. Every possible trick, tactic and marketing ploy has failed. We will forever be a nation of spongey vegetablephobes. So say the New York Times in a long investigation of why the hell won't Americans eat their vegetables?

Last week, we discovered that Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski chugs vodka from a mug before noon. This week, she dispels that rumor. She's not drunk, just "extremely hungry, to the point where I feel like I might lose control."

For its new Times Square Whopper Bar, BK is piling four of its patented rat corpses patties on top of each other, slathering them with marinara and "pesto-flavored mayo," thus creating a "Pizza Burger", which sells for $12.99. Hungry yet?

Osteo danger! Fireworks injuries! Sleepy teens! Picky eaters! Ozzy columns! Obese necks! Gifted tests! And hair loss genes that want to render your body uncommonly smooth! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one-handed, by necessity!

Fellow Americans: our diet has failed. More than 90% of us eat too much salt. We have to tax ourselves just to stop overdosing on soda. It's embarrassing. Fear not—an easy guide to eating healthy is just below!

Oooo, it's almost time for a brand new Government Food Pyramid! A panel of nutrition experts issued new Dietary Guidelines yesterday for Americans to ignore. The only ones paying attention: Kraft Foods Inc., your friendly corporate diet overlord.

Attention foodiots! Stop snapping iPhone pictures of that grain-fed, humanely slaughtered, free-range veal burger and order up some genetically-modified super corn, because your whole cause is a scam and isn't helping anyone but Whole Foods. According to some, at least.

Last Friday, New York Times restaurant critic Sam Sifton wrote that he would be eating at KFC today. So naturally, Eater "posted operatives at every branch of KFC in Manhattan." And caught Sifton in the act! Scared yet, media people?

Scared of getting Alzheimer's? Just guzzle some "relaxation drink," eat a "horseshoe sandwich," and wobble on the Wii. You'll forget all about it. It's time for your daily health watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Eating dirt. Eating at the world's best restaurant. Eating, as a weapon of international cold war. What do all these things have in common? Science! And eating. And death!

How has America made such big strides in science, technology, and medicine, but Americans still face the burden of eating with their hands? We put a man on the moon, but we still have to use a fork!? No more!

A new USDA survey finds that less than 1% of US farms are organic—meaning that the carnivore locavore yuppie fantasy that it's okay to eat meat as long as it comes from one of the few "good" farms is an unsustainable argument, in the Kantian sense. There will never be enough "good" farms to fulfill the demand for…

Chicken wings are cheap, tasty, and more popular than ever. How popular? They're the most expensive part of the bird, these days. The real victim here: The once-beloved breast.

The Way We Live Now: Making the hard choices. Maserati or Benzo? Expensive Yankees tickets or very expensive Yankees tickets? Hamburger or the whole cow? Macaroni or less macaroni for the same price?

Why doesn't NYC's Commerce restaurant allow you to pay for its American food with "Asian, French and Italian accents" in cash? Because this way, the poors don't sneak in.