Yikes. A sad, strange story today from El Paso. El Paso exists! That's the sad, strange story. No, no, just kidding. The story is that a female tiger at the El Paso Zoo killed her mate for some reason.

This morning, down in the desert deeps of El Paso, a 5-year-old child was found, at 1 am, behind the wheel of his mother's minivan after driving it into a pole. The boy tried to flee the scene but was caught. His intended destination? Candy.

Last Wednesday, New Yorkers were startled by some UFOs above Chelsea. The next day, reports stated that they was just balloons. But wait! This news report from El Paso, Texas reopens the mystery, because the same UFOs were seen there.

Do you remember the mysterious lights that floated over Manhattan last week? The "official explanation" was that the UFOs were "wedding balloons" from the so-called "town" of "Westchester." Well, guess what, sheeple: The same lights just showed up in Texas.

On Monday, a US Border Patrol agent on a bike shot and killed a 15-year-old Mexican boy for allegedly throwing rocks at him. When FBI agents arrived, Mexican authorities drew their weapons. Updated: Univision has video of the shooting.