• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier today, a large number of hard-core Twitter dorks — sorry, "influencers!" — noticed DeGeneres was following their accounts. Many were flattered, followed back and tweeted about it. "I am looking fwd to being a guest... now that she is following me," one wrote. But DeGeneres wasn't making friends; she was on a rampage. Near the start of the spamming, she was following 6,100, according to the notification one influencer received after DeGeneres followed him (see below, with the name changed). Within a couple of hours, she was up to nearly 6,700.

How did DeGeneres suddenly find 600 geeks to follow? Closely-watched Silicon Valley blogger and marketing specialist Louis Gray figured out the answer: Lists. Of the many lists already out there, the most popular include several lists of "influencers" and "thought leaders" and so forth. In other words: A celebrity twitterer's social media "consultant's" dream, and an effective way to load up on followers without following just anyone. DeGeneres' need friends just happen to line up with those on the top lists. Go figure!

It's one thing for everyone to be famous for 15 minutes. But it's starting to look like everyone will be a fame broker for a period, too, on the internet. Maybe channeling fame will pay better than obtaining it.

LeVar Burton actually had to explain to people that he did not write "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over" for The Onion. The actor did not seem entirely pleased to still be teaching reading comprehension, three years after Reading Rainbow was cancelled.

Ellen DeGeners bragged of her ability to get college co-eds to strip for her cameras. It would seem the intentionally-awkward TV host can get away with anything. Can you imagine Anderson Cooper pulling this off?

Sarah Gilbert: Weepy dancer.

The New York Times Jennifer 8. Lee has discovered a new lifestyle trend: Starbucks can't make coffee for Jennifer 8. Lee.

Now that Fast Company's Noah Robischon thinks about it, a tazer isn't a bad idea in the absence of an actual physical advertising-editorial wall. Like at his last job.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

Pink's "Get This Party Started" accompanied Abdul's entrance and, considering the lyrics, — "I'm Coming Up" — makes us wonder whether Abdul was trying to intimate that Ellen has a big ego. Plus, "I'm coming up" sounds like "coming out," which could be a dig at Ellen's lesbian ways. Then, looking back earlier in the day, Abdul said that American Idol would be a "different show" with Ellen in the judge's seat.

If you ask us, that sounds like a backhanded compliment from a woman whose love of money cost her a position in America's biggest spotlight. Now she's forced to make a spectacle of herself while dressed as the woman who replaced her.

But, have to admit: Abdul does do a knock-out job mimicking Ellen's mannerisms.

• Hey, you know Tinsley Mortimer? She's a socialite's everywhere, especially after divorcing her husband? Well, she may soon be even more ubiquitous, because rumors has it Ms. Tinsley's filming a reality show. [Page Six]
  
  
• Welcome to the fame game, Melanie Oudin. The tennis player became a mini star during the U.S. Open, which now means her family's dirty laundry — like her mom's alleged affair with Oudin's coach — will be aired for all the world. [NYDN]
  Hip NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants Shakira and Lady Gaga to win big at this Sunday's VMAs. He's so cute. [MTV]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were seen kissing and hugging and laughing and loving over dinner this week, after they finished shooting their film The Bounty. Will Butler be Aniston's next heartbreak? [Page Six]
  
  
• American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi is absolutely thrilled producers made the "brilliant choice" and hired Ellen, because now she's not the new judge. Feel the love? [ET]
  
  
• A judge tossed out a plagiarism lawsuit against Jessica Seinfeld, who was accused of lifting culinary text from Missy Chase Lapine's cookbook. Lapine's defamation suit against Jerry Seinfeld, however, remains open. Seinfeld, in case you missed it, made funny of Lapine's name on The Late Show and reminded the world that some assassins, like Lee Harvey Oswald, have three names. Um... [CNN]
  
  
• Here's something interesting: football player Shawne Merriman allegedly choked Tila Tequila because she wouldn't jump into a threesome. [10News]
  
  
• We've always loved Ed Norton. But now we love him even more because he's training for the NYC marathon. [CNN]
  
  
• Adam Levine, the attractive but annoying Maroon 5 singer, is now hopping around the world — and in bed — with model Angela Bellotte. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sugababe singer Amelle Berrabah went "missing" for a few days and her parents thought she had been kidnapped, so they called the police. It turns Berrabah was simply being a drama queen after a fight with a band mate. Oops! [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Hudon's sister, whose son was murdered last year, is with child. [Star]
  
  
• La Toya Jackson's interview with Barbara Walters airs this weekend. So, what can we expect? A whole lotta crazy, like this rumination on Michael Jackson: "He wasn't God, but he was certainly God-like. He was the closest thing to a God that I knew." [AP]

An army of record companies filed a lawsuit against Ellen's eponymous talk show for using their beloved, popular and oh-so-profitable songs without paying the price. Motown, Atlantic, Virgin and a host of other companies claim Ellen and her producers used their products in the talk show host's "dance over" segment, which involves the comedienne dancing toward her daily guest. It's all very fun, but, according to the record companies, also illegal. And Ellen knew that!

As sophisticated consumers of music, Defendants knew full well that, regardless of the way they rolled, under the Copyright Act, and under state law for the pre-1972 recordings, they needed a license to use the sound recordings lawfully.

Humph. Here we thought the music industry was about bringing happiness into an otherwise dismal existence. Now we learn they're only about profits. The horror!

For their part, Ellen's producers apparently responded to the lawsuit by claiming they don't look into licenses because they don't "roll that way." Fair enough.

In national politics, fundamental procedural changes come but once every hundred years or so — the electoral college will likely outlive us all. Whereas with Idol, those citizens who deeply care about the future of their society, the honest, hard working Americans who stay up late speed dialing votes, who devote their families savings to make signs and printing t-shirts for their favorite contestants — all because they dare to dream of passing on a better world to their children— those people now find their America turned on its head, as they see their judiciary shaken up once again with the news that there will now be four judges on American Idol, and one of them will be a comedian.

While it will be for history to decide what the long term effects on our society were, some first thoughts about what this means for the most important show in the history of the world, and why it happened:

• Mixing It Up: At the beginning of last season, Fox's Reality Chief Mike Darnell told me that the challenge of the show from here on in would be constantly finding ways to keep it fresh and surprising in its eighth and ninth seasons, at the point where most TV shows are adopting orphans and relocating the series to Miami in desperate attempts to regain some interest. But that is what shows typically do when they are in free fall towards the bottom. Idol, despite being off its heights, still remains the #1 show in television by a mile and in that position, very few shows are willing to take chances with the basic formula. Say what you will about Fox and Idol, they are not afraid to take risks.

• Judges Rule: In exile from Idol, former showrunner and So You Thing You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe has been offering the opinion that the judges' soap opera has gotten so carried away it is eclipsing the contestants. Last season, many Idol watchers were dismayed by how much the hi-jinx at the judges table sapped gobs of attention from the performers. And off-stage, every week the headlines were dominated by another judges story. It is Lythgoe's view that the show lives or dies on the strength of its contestants, not by the soap opera on the floor — which with four judges had become a monster. When Paula departed it was the hope of many that this would be used as an opportunity to deflate the panel back to its original size. It was not to be.

• Tivo Alert: Last season, the pile-up at the judges table caused the show to run over almost every week. Most egregiously, Adam Lambert's finest performance of the season, Mad World, was not seen by Tivo viewers. Despite howls of complaints it seemed impossible to rein in the judges. The addition of another judge who is already a star, with a very healthy ego of her own who will no doubt want to make sure her points get heard, will not help this cause.

• Nice Lives: Comedian though she is, Ellen has been the BFF to many an Idol contestant, having them all on her show and supporting each and every one. Likely, she has been thought of as one who will bring this caring concern to the cold-hearted panel.

• Quip-o-Rama: It has been said that this will bring a different element to the Idol judiciary, namely comedy. But in fact, that has more or less been Simon Cowell's function, providing just the right metaphorical one-liner to explain why a performance sucked. It's not like he provides serious musical instruction. Will the judging now become the equivalent of a Friar's Club roast?

Certainly, Ellen DeGeneres has been around the block in entertainment. But this is no little ABC sitcom, this is no Oscar telecast with Bruce Villanch there to back you up; this is American Idol and Ellen has just graduated from AAA baseball to the Indy 500. How she fares will depend very much though, not just on talent, but how seriously she takes the sacred responsibility that has been thrust upon her. History waits to judge.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

Remember when Barack Obama busted a move for Ellen DeGeneres?

Or when Hillary Clinton shimmied for child-porn-loving Fox News producer Aaron Bruns?

Or when Dubya did an African tribal dance?

Politicians, please keep dancing! It is better than speeches.

Ellen (DeGeneres, of the talk show) asked about the breakup and the rumors that Lohan had a restraining order issued against her by Samantha's sister Charlotte, in her usual funny, friendly way. And Lindsay gamely, well sorta gamely, played along. In that bitchy girl from high school trying not to act bitchy because you guys are stuck at your lame parents' dinner party because they're friends and she wants to be good so she'll get a car but mostly she just seems really disinterested kind of way. So it was disinterested, evasive stuff: "I didn't even know..." and "what could I do?", in reference to the alleged restraining order.

But mostly, yeah, Lohan claims she heard about her breakup in the big awful Media before she heard it from the horse's mouth. Which is too bad. Remember when that happened to poor Minnie Driver?

The CNN anchor and Vanderbilt family golden child went on DeGeneres' show today. Having seen Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer play along with the daytime talk show host's "dance with me" routine, he knew better: "No one really wants to see a middle-aged guy with silver hair, wriggling.

"I was raised to supress all my emotions — I can't be publicly expressing things."

You don't say!

Ellen missed her goal by 877,147, even after posting a pic of her hot wife. Who Twitters better?

Former Defamer editor Mark Lisanti. Lisanti spotted the Hollywood director sending out a photo taken in the toilet of an airplane on his way to SXSW, the grotesquely fun and pointless music-movie-Internet festival in Austin, Texas. See, Ellen? That's how you earn your Twitter following.

(Photo by Jon Favreau)

So intense is his Method commitment to the role of parent, Watts says, that Schreiber looked into the possibility of donning an artificial pair of breasts to bond with their first child. This, then, is the sad state of Hollywood today: even its more virile, hairy-chested actors are pressured into getting fake boobs. When Alec Baldwin starts looking a little fuller on top, it will be time to panic.

• Ellen

Much like Patrick Dempsey before him, who left his thoughts on the Grey's gaywashing unspoken but clearly evident, Dane told DeGeneres that he couldn't confirm reports that Heigl and T.R. Knight will be leaving at the end of the season. That came, however, after Dane bored his eyes into DeGeneres's very soul for a long, silent, uncomfortable moment, hoping to telepathically convey the information, "Yes! Finally, time for the Danester to move up on the call sheet...#6, here I come!" Sadly, his extended stare at DeGeneres was construed by ABC brass to be indicative of lesbian leanings, and after he left the pipe-busting Ellen set, he was summarily fired.

• Ellen

It wasn't a fire, a pipe burst in one of the stages. Why it burst nobody knows but it was limited to that one pipe and the damage is very minimal. Basically a lot of stuff got wet.

Carry on.

I work on the WB lot and I think there's a fire going on at the stage where they tape the Ellen show...

From where I am, I can see lots of fire trucks, fire fighters, and water pouring out of the barn doors of the stage. Can you guys find out more?

We'll try! Cooking segment gone awry? Overzealous aisle-dancer? Smoking in the green room? Send anything you know here.

His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer, and he's a frequent guest and DeGeneres favorite who's big on "self-actualization." According to Wikipedia, "his 1976 book Your Erroneous Zones has sold over 30 million copies and is one of the best-selling books of all time." With that title? Who knew!

If you're interested and would like to check out his oeuvre the next time you're at Whole Foods, you will enjoy learning that "spiritual energy is the energy of abundance," whatever that means. Also, this fellow, this Dr. Wayne Dyer, is one of those mind-over-matter types who never gets depressed, not even when his wife runs off with another man, breaking up their happy family of eight (!) children (one of whom is named "Saje").

Still, he is apparently a big deal, so it's nice that he gay-married these two famous celebrities. Too bad that "self-actualization" thing can't stop the union from being (maybe) nullified!

• Ellen

The talk show host attempted to extract a veritable personal ad from Hathaway (must love getting shitfaced and "processed metaphysics"!) on her show today, though her prey put up a fight:

"If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend," the TV host tells the Bride Wars star on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to air Thursday. "I'm really good at it."

"Did you see how nervous I just got?" responds Hathaway.

"You don't even have to date," advises DeGeneres, who herself is married, to Portia de Rossi. "You can straight to commitment." [...]

In terms of what she's now looking for in a guy, "At this point I would just like him to be law abiding," says Hathaway.

We're afraid that the newly insistent DeGeneres is merely giving the anti-gay marriage foes more grist for the mill; imagine an ad where a happy, beaming Mormon explains, "I have lots of gay friends! I just don't want them to become smug marrieds."

• Ellen DeGeneres to Find Mr. Right for Anne Hathaway [People]