• Tinsley Mortimer's reality show Empire State gets more and more interesting. Now they've signed on phone-hacking flack Ali Wise as one of the "co-stars." They filmed her at a party at the Alice Olivia pop up store this weekend—a party also attended by reality whole and fictional reporter Betsey Morgenstern's boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer—and a camera crew was spotted with her on October 19 when she was arraigned for breaking into romantic rival Nina Freudenberger's voicemail with something called a spoof card. Well, we will certainly be spoofing this show, and we hope that the CW will make a huge star out of Ali. It's the wise thing to do. And the puns just won't stop coming. We love this chick! Producers are a little worried what's going to happen to her after her next court date January 14. We suggest the sexiest version of Scared Straight ever. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson isn't exactly a slut, but she sure has been dating a lot. She was out on a date with fellow Brown student Rafael Cebrian at the Rangers game on Saturday with Yves Saint Laurent creative director Stefano Pilati as her gay chaperon. So, what did she do with ex-boyfriend, financier Jay Barrymore? Maybe she just cast a spell of invisibility on him. [P6]
• Lady Gaga's penis bought pizza for all the gays her fans who waited overnight to get her autograph in L.A. That's sweet, but doesn't she know her fans the gays still aren't eating carbs. [People]
• Hey everyone, Rosie Perez got a job! Congrats! She's costarring with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in some movie called The Other Guys, and they were filming during the real Knicks game on Saturday night. Brooke Shields also made an appearance. They also got Tracy Morgan for free, since he had courtside seats near where they were filming. [Gatecrasher]
• Even though her haircut says she is, model Agyness Deyn is not a lesbian. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez says she meant to fall on her ass during her performance of the loathesome single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards. She also said that Gigli is supposed to be unfunny. No guile in that girl. [NYDN]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams let us know that the the Sex and the City sequel (also known as Carrie Bradshaw and the Temple of Doom) is filming in Morocco and all the ladies are staying in different hotels. She also tells us about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back when they didn't have balloons so they just tied ropes to Pterodactyls and it was a great day in New Amersterdam. [Cindy Adams]

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]

• Jessica Simpson wanted a Barbie-like existence with Tony Romo, so much so that she wanted him to dress up as Ken (and her as Barbie) for her birthday party. If true, this is sad on five different levels, chief among them: (1) the relating of inanimate objects to having a desire to inhabit their manifested-in-reality counterparts, (2) the ideal for a relationship that is now absolutely shattered, something that was probably fairly delicate and precious to her, (3) the stark realization that this existence simply doesn't exist in life, but the existence of having a breakup because you (insanely) wanted to make your boyfriend dress up as a Ken doll and that was the braking point? That existence is very, very real. Honestly, just blame all of this on Joe Simpson. Did you know he had an Arcade Fire song written about him? It's true. Anyway, this filled me with a deep sadness the way, I don't know, reading Arthur Miller plays can. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a job in the new Robert Rodriguez movie. It's a full-length version of Machete, which was initially conceived as a trailer for his joint collaboration with Quintin Tarantino, Grind House. So: she just attached herself to a pretty decent project. Let's hope she shows up to work on time. [D Listed]
  
  
• Saved By The Bell cast members banned Screech from the reunion because (A) he's a perv and (B) he's writing a tell-all and (C) they had to bring him along for the College Years, didn't they? Zach Morris aka Mark Paul Gosselaar noted: "What is he going to say?" Gosselaar asked sarcastically. "We were (bleeping) groupies at 14?" which is kind of funny. They weren't! [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin bought a condo in Rockville, Maryland: definitely not ex-husband Jon's Manhattan Piyimp Pad, but it'll do for now. It's apparently an hour away from her bodyguard, and also: Kate's dating a bodyguard, Jon's dating a twenty-something girl and walking around wearing Ed Hardy. Wow. It's like someone beat their cosmic existence with the Iron Book of Cliche. But E!'s running a nice picture of her smiling, so that's nice. [E!]
  
  
• George Clooney has a girlfriend who at one time modeled nekkid, and some blogs have picked up the pictures. [Egotastic]
  
  
• Awesome. Mary Cheney is a total diva, just like her neo-con sociopath of a dad. No, really: that's what the item's about. Her sister would get a new SUV for her secret service detail, and Mary would be like, why isn't that one mine? And they'd be like, well, because you're the lesbian and we want to keep you as far in the closet as possible. Literally. Okay, last part isn't true, but probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes to check out girls without being spotted by paparazzi, apparently, which is, uh, tragic? Especially when you're doing it at parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Favorite gossip item of the week: Jasper Johns and Edward Albee, sitting around, telling jokes about turtles. I kid you not. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton gets business advice from Richard Branson. I get business advice from the guy at my laundromat who thinks tax evasion is legal. Unsolicited, but appreciated nonetheless. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rapper Drake tried to hit the stage while recovering from an injury and fell; his knee buckled out from under him. More and more, I'm starting to think his career is just a viral DeGrassi ad campaign. [TMZ]
  
  
• Charles Manson is running a business in prison, and having guys pen his signature for him, and thus, is still manipulating people into doing his bidding. Gotta hand it to him, though, for his entrepreneurial spirit. What's next, a blog network? Also, he makes "cloth scorpions," so if you were even remotely concerned about whether or not he's still totally fucking creepy, well, he still is. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mark Wahlberg got married. He said hi to everyone's mother in person. [People]
  
  
• Emma Watson wants to start her own fashion label, and it's going to be "green," and more magical than all the other fashion labels. It will probably perform light magic to counteract the dark magic of Mugatu-esque designer Karl Lagerfeld. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse hired a private investigator to spy on her ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil's every move so when they go to court, she can list all the reasons why nobody should ever give him a penny. But Hollywood, are you listening? Amy Winehouse and a Private Investigator is the potential new hit of the fall season, and surely, we could crush Mad Men's chances at ever winning another Emmy. Get in on it before I actually sell this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• The Twilight people launched a website for their new movie and somewhere, thousands of trackpads have already been broken with the furious clicking of their psychotic teenage owners. [E!]

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

• Eva Longoria says that she likes to be dominated during sex, even tied up with fancy silk ties around her limbs. Yes please! [Sun]
  
  
• A warning to the ladies of Manhattan—Leonardo DiCaprio is on the prowl. He's been spotted with a posse of bros all over town trying to pick up tail by playing the "I'm the king of the world card." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen isn't shy about going after what she wants. She recently proclaimed that she wanted to bone Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody more than anyone in the world and basically invited him to come and get it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kurt Anderson took a shot at Donald Trump in his new book and so naturally, the Donald fired off a retort, calling Anderson a "third rate writer." [Page Six]
  
  
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson, who recently shacked up with her boyfriend, said that she and Robert Pattinson, who recently knocked up a Twilight co-star, are "just friends." So now you know. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham is a big fan of Sex and the City or something because she's taking acting lessons in the hope of landing a part in the movie sequel. [Daily News]
  
  
• So sad. The band Kings of Leon seems on the verge of breaking up. Basically, they all hate each other and recently came close to canceling a number of European tour dates after another backstage scuffle. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Jackson allegedly had a string of gay lovers, including a Vegas construction worker who he was rumored to be head over heels for. [Sun]
  
  
• At 46 years-old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn good in a bikini. Unfortunately, her husband is still a massive tool. [Daily Mail]

Presenting Your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• If the cast of Harry Potter could hook up with anyone, two out of three respondents went with Gossip Girl cast members: Daniel Radcliffe to Blake Liveley, Emma Watson to Ed Westwick. Rupert Grint struggled to come up with an answer and just went with Jessica Alba. Weak. [E!]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is meeting in St. Tropez, France, with Christian Audigier, the uberdouche behind the embarrassment to fashion as well as the idea of anything having any kind of aesthetic whatsoever, Ed Hardy. He might be getting a job with Audigier. For those who haven't been blinded by them yet, they're shirts with rhinestones on them that sometimes have these slits in them and, jesus, I don't even know, they're just so fugly it's far beyond my mental capacity to understand how this is now a multi-million dollar business. Remember Von Dutch? It's like that to the nth degree. Yes, I would rather have, I don't know, a crying eagle pissing in my eye while draped in a neon American flag tattooed to my face than wear one of those shirts (and no, you may NOT use that idea, Audigier). Hopefully he won't dress any of his children in those deadrags of mid-life crisis desperation because that would just be cruel and unusual and then they'd have to be remanded into the custody of Mugatu-esque Karl Lagerfeld and you don't want that. You really don't. 'Cause he'll eat them. [TMZ]
  
  
• Haley Joel Osment would like you all to stop making I SEE DEAD PPL jokes, now. Meanwhile, he's throwing the mack down on girls in the subway. So if he isn't seeing dead people, at least he's seeing game. And game recognize game. (?) [TMZ]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart laughs off rumors of her and Robert Pattinson being pregnant. Things she shouldn't laugh off: the dangerously insane teenage Twilight fans who'd rather see her replaced with a cardboard box. Honestly, I kind of hope she is preggers with his vampire baby, because it'd be a great looking kid, and Twilight fans need to go away. Vampire fetishisizing is for 42 year-old oversized goths, and it should stay that way. [NYDN]
  
  
• You know how your grandfather would make funny faces at you as a kid, and sometimes they'd be funny, and sometimes you'd be like, stop it, old man, you're freaking me the fuck out. Well, imagine if your grandfather was Jim Carrey. Exactly. His 21 year-old daughter Jane is preggers with her husband, fellow musician Alex Santana (important detail: "(Alex is) known as "Nitro" in his rock group, Blood Money."). Meanwhile, Jim's still dating Jenny McCarthy, and the two of them must make the weirdest faces at each other in bed. Do not want. [NYDN]
  
  
• Rachel Ray had vocal chord surgery, and this is one of those things were the joke writes itself, but you don't even want to make it. In this Kangaroo Court, there are far worse grievances against humanity than maybe sometimes sounding annoying while patiently teaching you how to cook better, because you're a moron and don't know an egg beater from a spork. Also, this is sad, 'cause her voice had this strangely sexy Kathleen Turner-when-she-was-hot raspiness to it. Get better, crazy cake lady. [People]
  
  
• Artie Lange got a DUI. Shocker. He rear-ended someone while drunk. I'm sure he'd turn that into a really shitty joke. But this is great: ""He was extremely cooperative," said Capt. Steven Henry. "He was a gentleman."" Love that Artie Lange is probably so familiar with the procedure of a DUI, he probably practically did it for the cop. "This is how you cuff me, my wrists fit this way," etc. Lange was last seen in a hysterical, amazing appearance on the first episode of Joe Buck's new HBO show. Said appearance got him banned from HBO Sports for life. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm sorry, can we just say it, though? Lady Gaga is a fucking mouthbreather. And when she's not using it to breathe, she's using it to say ridiculous shit like this: "I've gone bankrupt about four times now. My manager wants to shoot me. Every dollar I earn goes on the show. Now we're finally getting to a place where it's not bankruptcy. Then again, with another tour coming up soon I'll probably be homeless again." Also, please click on the link so you can look at the picture of how my mind feels about Lady Gaga. Seriously. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is "amazing in bed." Naturally. I don't doubt this for a moment. Thank you, Robert Pattinson, for making the rest of America feel like their sex lives aren't yours. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake is creating a scent. Besides smelling nice, it will be funnier, more chaming, nicer, come from more humble backgrounds, sing, dance, talk, listen, knit, and play backgammon better than you ever have or will. Also, it will smell like Saturday Night Live at least nine times a year. [E!]
  
  
• Lauren Conrad's book has been on the New York Times' bestseller list for two weeks, now. Aspiring novelists, this makes you feel how? Inspired? Insipid? Funky fresh? [People]
  
  
• Rupert Grint and Emma Watson felt pressure to get their kiss in the new Harry Potter movie right. Emma Watson's going to school at Columbia or Brown, and reports have gone both ways, and I can't even handle Emma Watson going to school in New York because this city absolutely needs more magic and with her exquisite knowledge of magic things should get better for everyone, especially those pricks on 116th. Things will be magical for everyone! Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe also gets a kiss in the new movie with Ginny Weasley, Sister of Ron, and - oh, yeah, sorry: spoiler alert - and gave a wire reporter an awesome quote about it: "I saw the film again a couple of nights ago at the premiere and ... my God, my lips are like the lips of a horse, kind of distending independently away from my face and trying to encompass the lower half of hers." Yeah, still get that feeling sometime. Lesson: none of us are Robert Pattinson. [Reuters]
  
  
• Maura Tierney's going away for eight weeks. Sad, scary, if only because of the ominous nature that her publicist is playing off the way she's probably going to some kind of rehab (an "eight week medical evaluation"). [E!]
  
  
• Jennifer Anniston personally paid for her entire crew to have an extra day off for the July 4th holiday. Nice. [People]

• Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she's converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She's been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I'd like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we'll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn't eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn't an ass man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he's banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank in Australia. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven says he hasn't eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he's all into yoga and is all about achieving "balance." Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Katie Lee Joel isn't wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she's opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called "Burger County." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Foxx just can't contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  
  
• 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old "financier" named Jay. [Mirror]
  
  
• Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we're kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]

• Tennis star and lover of Enrique Iglesias Anna Kournikova got into a fight Saturday night at a club in Vegas after some random woman threw a drink at her for "invading her space." [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester sings and acts in a new Gossip Girl-y video she stars in for Cobra Starship's song "Good Girls Go Bad." And yes, the song was written and the video was shot prior to the news that Meester's talented feet were the star of a new celebrity sex tape to hit the internet. [Daily Intel]
  
  
• Michael Jackson looked frail but appeared to be getting his groove on in these photos taken during a rehearsal at the Staples Center shortly before his death. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chris Brown was supposed to take part in a Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards on Sunday night, but Jay-Z stepped in and torpedoed those plans. [Page Six]
  
  
• Alice Hoffman isn't just attacking people who offend her delicate sensibilities on Twitter—She recently attacked a blogger who was moderating a discussion about her new book at a Barnes and Noble store. [Page Six]
  
  
• Actress Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is moving to New York to attend school at Columbia, where perhaps she can follow in the footsteps of her fellow thespian James Franco and sleep her way to a degree. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jude Law, currently starring in a London production of Hamlet, strolls through the streets of the city coolly sipping on frappucinos. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sacha Baron Cohen got a taste of his own medicine last night when a Bruno imposter showed up at the movie's Australian premiere in a pink stretch Hummer filled with a bevy of scantily clad dancers. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released the first photos of their new twin girls, who were recently delivered by a surrogate mother in Ohio. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mariah Carey got done up as an Eminem-type rapper for her new video for her song "Obsessed." We can't wait for Eminem to respond with a video in which he dresses up like a hideous-looking Mariah Carey, because you just know he's going to do it. [DListed]
  
  
• Lady GaGa claims that she's been doing volunteer charity work since she was two years old. [UK Sun]

After the jump: Watson crouches in the dress!

We captured the bizarre scene for you via iPhone's handy PapApp, in which a guarded Watson—flanked by an army of handlers—obliged a number of aggressive Harry Potter fans corralled behind a rope. She was pretty gracious considering the insanity, as we suppose we too would have been spooked if a grown man with feathered hair and a "Hogwarts U." sweatshirt had been shouting, "Emma! EMMA OVER HERE! Cast me an episkey epidermem spell for my psoriasis! Please! Emma!" at us.

In another photo, Watson—who recently told the Guardian she'd do a nude scene "for Bernardo Bertolucci. It depends. I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job"—crouches to give a young fan (or some kind of tiny, magical dwarf-creature; it was difficult to see) an autograph. That's the difference between American and British starlets: Nothing of consequence is ever exposed unless an Oscar-winning Italian eroticist (or Balthazar Getty) first demands it.

She was sighted at approximately 10:30 yesterday morning at Quincy House by Chase Russell ’11 and Brian P. Hill ’11. [...]

Hill said he nearly collided with one of Watson’s escorts while leaving the House, before unthinkingly saying he was on his way to class. Watson then went to visit the room of the next student she approached, much to Hill’s chagrin.

“I actually called my mom; I was so distraught,” he said. “It was all I could think about for the entire morning.”

Other unconfirmed reports placed Watson around campus at the Admissions Office, the Barker Center and Annenberg Hall — which is often said to evoke the Great Hall at Hogwarts, the fictional wizarding school at which Hermione studies.

Other unconfirmed reports had sixth-year senior Chris Oberkfell '07 far less distraught after running into Watson on her downlow "pub evaluation tour" of Boston, at the end of which Oberkfell was paid handsomely to delete grainy cell-phone images he had snapped while the young star tested each establishment's wares for quality. Luckily, we'll always have our memories. We can hardly wait to see how the Washington Square News follows this tomorrow.

• ‘Hermione’ Enchants Campus With Visit [Harvard Crimson via CollegeOTR]

Watson, who apparently garnered straight A's in high school finishing exams (Ooh! Sounds fancy!), says she hopes to be a part of a liberal arts program in the U.S. But after recent reports that new student James Franco was being stalked by hordes of psycho freshman while studying at the Columbia University library, we've learned the campus grounds aren't the safest confines for the cream of Young Hollywood's crop.

In fact, some schools are flat out rejecting stars for the unwanted distraction they bring to the classroom. Last spring, Brooke Hogan was denied admission at three colleges in Florida when she was told the nine-camera production team behind her VH1 reality show Brooke Knows Best would disrupt the academic livelihood of other students - which is unfortunate, as she clearly needs the education.

At the University of Southern California, the fine institution from which I recently graduated, there were many "star" students. Freshman year, Lee Thompson Young, vaguely known for his starring role on Disney's long-lost series The Famous Jett Jackson, was constantly ridiculed for his penchant for wearing exclusively all-white ensembles around campus ... classy. When Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos was boning Paris, girls used to flock to his English classes in the hopes of impressing him with their knowledge of Kafka. And rumor had it that David Gallagher, who played that goody-two-shoes with a bowl cut Simon from 7th Heaven, was a huge stoner who shacked up with a stripper in a house off campus.

Point being: Hermione - no matter what you do, you're probably screwed.

• Emma Watson Applies to U.S. Colleges [People]

boomp3.com

Harry Potter film series star Emma Watson appeared to be the life of the afterparty in Windsor over the weekend. With the aid of what Watson referred to as her "Hermione Juice," Watson bounced around the party, serving as a makeshift hostess looking for an afterparty after the original afterparty. After searching for a few minutes, Watson discovered an after-after party in a dorm room at a nearby university.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Despite having represented Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle fragrance in addition to appearing in campaign after campaign as the brand's moody red-lipped rep since 2001, Kate Moss and her contract were kicked to the curb months after the supermodel's famed cocaine tape hit the tabloids in April 2005. Though Keira Knightley was loudly announced as Moss's replacement, Kate very quietly usurped a bit of Keira's thunder by re-entering the house of French glamour after her comeback hit its stride a year later. But by far the most publicized partnership between Chanel and star occurred when Nicole Kidman appeared in a short film directed by Baz Luhrmann to promote her new role as iconic fragrance Chanel No. 5's porcelain-faced embodiment.

But all the hullabaloo and fanfare came to a stop when Kidman became pregnant, irking Chanel and causing them to pull yet another switcheroo, hiring fellow French star Audrey Tautou to take over the reign. As Tautou's star remains lukewarm, industry insiders began buzzing with the surprising and off-kilter news that none other than heiress to the grunge throne, Frances Bean Cobain, would begin appearing front and center as Chanel's new ad girl. But Cobain's upward momentum towards the fashion world's limelight never materialized, and having perfected the art of sudden blows, Knightley is now rumored to be ousted as Watson prepares for her year or so of acclaim and glossy ads. We just hope Emma manages to keep the apparently very short attention spans of the Chanel bigwigs, or at the very least, has the stamina to turn her inevitable drug- and Britney-flashing downfall into a glittery comeback like Kate.

• 'POTTER' STAR WATSON GETS BIG PAYDAY [MSNBC]

Not to get too personal or anything, but when we were 18, we weren't exactly jumping on board the waxing trend either. But we also made sure not to let the whole world know it. But considering Emma's most recent paramour, that shaggy-haired mind-bogglingly gorgeous girl-attracting Razorlight front man Johnny Borrell, Hermione may be determined to grow up faster than her peers. Our only other theory? Harry Potter superstar Daniel Radcliffe has been stealing Emma's thunder for, well, practically her entire life. And now he's set to reveal all on Broadway. Could this be his hotter-by-the-second co-star's way of redirecting the spotlight towards her and her own assets? In any case, we do give the girl credit for covering up, even if "covering up" means pretty much showing us all exactly whether or not the carpet matches the drapes (it does).

UPDATE (1:45pm): By popular demand, here's a link to Egotastic's gallery of Her Moaning Granger.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• CHEER UP, HER-MOANY GRANGER [The Sun]
• EMMA WATSON CELEBRATES 18TH BIRTHDAY WITH POTTER CAST, BUT WHERE ARE HARRY AND RON? [Daily Mail]

Jessica Alba's not lacking in the mammary department, yet producers still felt the unwatchable Into The Blue could benefit from a little boost for Alba:

Emma Watson was not a girl but not yet a woman when Harry Potter: The Order Of The Phoenix came out, but marketers wanted her to be a woman, goddammit!

Perhaps the flattest of them all, Keira Knightley, famously had her barely-there bust bazoomed on the King Artur poster in an attempt to get more people to ignore how boring films set in the Middle Ages tend to be:

And yes, we did say Lindsay Lohan's miraculous rack was enhanced in the past, but it was actually quite memorably reduced on the Herbie poster so as not to scare the kiddies:

• ACTRESS KATE HUDSON GETS A DIGITAL BOOB JOB TO PROMOTE NEW MOVIE [Daily Mail]

After we saw her very adult new style debut at this summer's Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix premiere in London, we sensed a shit-to-hit-fan movement ahead, as her underage curves heaved their way across the red carpet. But we're still curious as to why upon why Watson would follow the lead of rocker dating rehab alums like Lindsay Lohan (Jamie Burke of Bloody Social), Britney Spears (Howie Day) and Mischa Barton (Cisco Adler)? At this point, we only have one theory to go on. We blame Kate Moss.

[Photo Credit: Daily Mail]

• WHAT WOULD HARRY SAY? EMMA MAKES A NEW FRIEND [Daily Mail]

[*i.e., if she's actually drinking the beer, just posing, or having a swig in a country where it's not illegal.]

UPDATE: As pointed out by a commenter with better vision than your editor, the door in the background seems to say "W.C." indicating that she may have been legally imbibing somewhere in the UK. Still, we ask: Corona? Haven't the Lohans of the world taught us that teen stars should be shoring up their tolerance with hard liquor?

• Where Is Your Hermione Now? [YTMND.com via Gawker]