But it's never really that easy, is it? Jobs, for example. Sure, we'd like a job. A nice, easy, unskilled job that involves a lot of sitting. The type of job that's sustained lazy, unskilled Americans for generations. Maybe a cashier at the Sunglass Hut, for example. But no! These days it seems that only "skilled" and "experienced" workers are in demand.

That's not what America is about.

The problem is clear. All the easy-ass jobs are being cut because of this recession, because, oh, super big company X can't "afford" to have worthless workers sitting around doing nothing, supposedly. Really? Fancy restaurants like Applebee's and Chili's are promoting their discount menus, to where you don't even have to be rich to eat there. That costs jobs! Grocery stores are cutting back on their in-house floral shops and sushi bars and coffeehouses in favor of selling "food." That costs jobs! Harvard is laying off 275 workers. That costs jobs!

Will no one think of the needy, shiftless Americans? We're not all big banks with our very own subway station named after us, where we could panhandle exclusively. We are normal people. And we need normal, easy, unskilled jobs. Or the number of "Stupid Criminals" police blotter items will skyrocket. That costs jobs.
[Pic via]

As LA Observed discovered, Block—who has appeared on various television programs and writes books about doing it—is looking (on Craigslist, natch) for a part-time, live-in assistant to help her sex Institute with various editing and writing things. But also basically doing phone sex:

Live-In Editorial Assistant (Downtown LA)

Live-In Editorial Assistant wanted for internationally renowned media sexologist and institute director, recently featured on Nightline, as well as on HBO, Playboy, WeTV and other media. You will be writing and editing website and advertising copy as well as answering the phone, doing some online content management, organizing and scheduling.

In exchange for your part-time work, we will give you room and board in the Institute's fabulous spacious loft, including your own private room, DSL, phone, maid service, tech support, bar and kitchen access, some gourmet home-cooked meals, recording studio, erotic art gallery, awesome eclectic ambiance, 17,000 square feet of space to work and play in (basically, $2000/month of room, board & amenities) with an exciting, vibrant, socialist-style, capitalist-oriented community of artists, technologists and sex therapists.

If you are an open-minded, imaginative woman, you will also have the opportunity to earn lucrative commissions doing telephone sex therapy with our company. If you have a car and a good driving record, we will pay some of your car expenses. This position is not for everybody, but for the right woman, there is tremendous room for growth and an opportunity to "live the dream."

You must be a good writer/editor, as well as well-spoken, very responsible, organized, mature, computer literate, self-motivated, with a good phone voice, and the ability to learn simple tasks fairly quickly. You should be able to do basic HTML. Familiarity with Drupal and/or CSS would be awesome, though not required.

Apply today, feel shame tomorrow!

CareerBuilder has some "True Tales" from bosses about workers behaving badly. Here's one:

"Earlier this year, when I was senior vice president at my previous employer, two employees were having an interoffice romance. Their attempts to cover it up were ham-fisted at best. One afternoon, both employees were conspicuously missing from the office for an extended period of time. I was suspicious and began asking employees about their whereabouts. Suddenly, my mobile phone rang and a fellow [co-worker] reported them departing hand-in-hand from a cheap hotel (with no lobby or restaurant) two blocks from the office. We couldn't wait for them to get back." - Kevin A. Mercuri, president, Propheta Communications

Who's Kevin Mercuri?

[Previous 5WPR coverage here]

These "Anna Wintour is leaving" rumors seem to pop up on a regular basis. They're quite standard contract negotiation tools. This, for example, from a 1999 Daily News story:

While Hurricane Floyd raged outside the Times Square headquarters of magazine empire Conde Nast yesterday, an even bigger storm appeared to be brewing inside.
One source said "it's all over the building" that Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour will soon leave her powerful perch to become head of the Costume Institute at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
One executive said Wintour's departure is expected "within the next six months."

The most recent rumor concerto built gradually:

• November 18: Hey, look at the bad year Vogue has had. Is Anna Wintour ready to retire?
• November 20: Rumor: Anna Wintour for some sort of Obama ambassadorship!
• November 21: Anna Wintour really doesn't want to talk about it.
• December 2: Ooooh, Conde Nast insiders at the Waverly Inn are all whispering about how Conde wants to replace Anna with her French counterpart, Carine Roitfeld. Oooooh.
• December 2: Si Newhouse says that is bullshit.
• December 5: Anna sez, I'm not leaving!
• December 15: Leaky, leaky. Team Wintour leaks Page Six details of just how incredibly fabulous she really is. Priceless.
• January 8: Oh hey the ambassador thing for Anna is still totally a go!
• January 15: Did Anna tell a film guy she thinks about leaving Vogue? Maybe, maybe not!
• January 22: 60 Minutes working on a piece about Wintour. All part of her devious plan!
• Januaray 23: Cityfile says all these rumors are just being dropped by Wintour and Conde Nast to try to bolster their respective bargaining positions, for Wintour's next contract. This is the thing most likely to be true.

[Pic via]

If you ever worked at a crappy retail job for some massive corporation, you've probably had the pleasure of filling out one of those tests designed, I assume, to screen out brain damaged serial killers and only brain damaged serial killers. Those "personality" tests, where you rank how much you agree with statements like "Stealing is fun sometimes" or "Violence is a good way to solve work disputes." Well now people are going online to find the right answers to these things, and memorizing them. I don't know if that's a sadder testament to the workers or the workplace:

Statement: "You have to give up on some things that you start." Suggested response from the cheat sheet: "Strongly disagree."

Another statement: "Any trouble you have is your own fault." Suggested response: "Strongly agree."

But also:

Whole Foods Market Inc. dropped the test, partly because applicants for jobs preparing foods "would pass the screening test and then get on the job and did not have the skills to prepare basic sauces," says a spokeswoman. Kronos says its assessments "are personality-based, not skills-based."

The only usefulness of these tests is that if you're not smart enough to pass easily or cheat to pass, you have no business holding a job. Shockingly, people are also gaming Facebook friends in order to look for jobs. Your only true friend now is your online personality test cheat sheet.

1. Be honest: The worst thing a layoff can be is full of shit. At least have the common courtesy to tell the truth. From MTV's memo today:

We all know there's a fundamental restructuring of our entire economy going on, and it extends beyond our borders. This is not just about MTVN, Viacom or even sister media companies – it's happening in every industry, all over the world. This doesn't make it easier to say goodbye to people we love and respect, but it is the hard truth. In these tough times, we are responsible for sustaining and reinventing our company as thoughtfully as we can. The changes we're making today are necessary, difficult, and the responsible way for us to move forward.

This is true, straightforward, and not patronizing.

2. But not too honest: Perfect honesty demands admitting that the people you laid off are the ones you consider disposable. Don't do that. You must, must fellate your departing employees to the extent possible without seeming absolutely fake. Elsewhere in that MTV memo:

Everyone here contributes to MTVN and Viacom every single day and night without exception. We hate to see dedicated friends and co-workers leave us, and we say goodbye with care, gratitude, support and respect.

The first sentence is patently false for any large organization. The second sentence may or may not be true. Still, it's a nice thought.

3. Remember your audience: Your audience here—your most important audience—is people who are being laid off. Employees with safe jobs, the media, and the general public will all get hold of these memos and read them, but really, you have to cater to the dead here. From Viacom's memo today:

Viacom's long-term health will depend on our shared commitment to adapt, to innovate and to make difficult choices. To compete and thrive, we need to create an organization and a cost structure that are in step with the evolving economic environment.

Do you know how much newly laid-off employees care about Viacom's long-term health? Not much. They just got laid off. Keep the focus on the people.

4. Look like you put some thought into it: Being cold and perfunctory is almost as bad as being a see-through fake. Sure, executives and their flacks would rather be sniffing blow in a golf cart than approving layoff memos. But you people still have jobs, so suck it up and try to say something non-robotic. Universal Pictures' memo today is only four short paragraphs, the last three of which say this:

While much has been accomplished to find necessary savings, we regret that we must also reduce headcount by around 3%. No company likes to have to make these kinds of decisions, and certainly we are no exception. We want to assure you that everyone has done their best to keep job cuts to an absolute minimum.

The process of communicating with those individuals whose positions are affected has begun today and will continue for the next few days.

We appreciate the effort from everyone who has participated in this difficult process.

Yada yada. The tone is indistinguishable from an internal memo announcing that staplers must be signed out of the supply closet from now on. Shed a tear or two, fuckers.

5. Every time you use corporate doubletalk, an angel dies: Actual human sentences—try them! When ushering hundreds of people out the door, avoid standard management-speak, like this from Paramount's memo today:

Without question, the changes we implement today required us to make difficult choices. We take these steps after a careful analysis of our overall business and as part of a broader strategy to overcome the challenges of this unusual time in the market and to chart a successful course for the future.

As we look ahead, we are encouraged by the strength of our slate, the quality of our creative partners, the innovation we see on the lot every day and the projects we have in development. These assets, coupled with your talent and hard work, I believe will enable us to remain strong over the long term.

With that, your newly unemployed workers may leverage their strategic capabilities to steal a lot of stuff on the way out. [Pic via]

It seems like a great idea at first. All these people without jobs, and full of desperation! We got a press release for a new "networking" event" called "Get Canned":

In addition to social networking, guests will have access to resume assistance, career coaching, live raffles, fitness and beauty makeovers, and gift bags. In place of an entry fee, guests are encouraged to bring two non-perishable items to directly benefit The Food Bank For New York City. Guests that arrive empty handed pay a modest $10 entry fee.

Donate to the food bank, and then in a few weeks, become a client of the food bank! And this one was for charity, but there are plenty of people who figure they can wring cash out of the unemployed. Vault.com offers a "Recession Survival Package": two 45-minute sessions with a career counselor for the low low price of $999! That's a value right up there with paying someone an equal amount to give you lucky Lotto numbers. Why not just spend the money on a handgun, and rob people?

You know who should be really well-positioned to make a killing now? Mediabistro! They have all the media jobs, right? They own the market! This is when that $23 million price tag to buy them pays off.

The flaw in all of these business plans: you're marketing to people with no jobs. Therefore they have no money. Also? All you people are selling "career services" because you don't have any actual careers to sell.
Worst. Business plan. Ever. Except for Wall Street's.

Conspiracy: The recession has forced the Times' true role as a government propaganda agent to the surface! You think Judy Miller's WMD coverage was a mistake? The paper has been promoting the CIA's position to the publi for years! Open your eyes, people! This ad is but the tip of the iceberg!

The Job Market Is Even Worse Than You Thought: I mean, they couldn't even get Wal-Mart or somebody to sponsor the Jobs page? Campbell's Soup isn't hiring factory workers? Clandestine operations in the War on Terror, it seems, are the last place to get reasonable health care coverage. And Jesus Christ, you can't even make 80K for parachuting into Pakistan with a submachine gun to hunt Al-Qaeda. Times are tough.

Easy money!

In Somalia, it seems, crime does pay. Actually, it is one of the few industries that does.

“All you need is three guys and a little boat, and the next day you’re millionaires,” said Abdullahi Omar Qawden, a former captain in Somalia’s long-defunct navy.

Easy drugs!

Pirates are now at the top of the town's social class, the only ones with money for Western-made cigarettes and fancy cellphones. Known by nicknames such as "Superman" or "Flying Squad," they spend their free time drunk or high on khat.

Easy women!

Flush with cash, the pirates drive the biggest cars, run many of the town’s businesses — like hotels — and throw the best parties, residents say. Fatuma Abdul Kadir said she went to a pirate wedding in July that lasted two days, with nonstop dancing and goat meat, and a band flown in from neighboring Djibouti.

“It was wonderful,” said Ms. Fatuma, 21. “I’m now dating a pirate.”

And reporting on the pirates is just as fun. Let's play, who has a bigger dick? The LAT:

Reporting from Haradhere, Somalia, and Nairobi, Kenya — Straddling a wooden crate filled with $1 million in cash ransom, a cranky old pirate bellows names from a notebook as his anxious, bleary-eyed minions lean against the stone walls of their cramped hide-out.

Or the NYT:

BOOSAASO, Somalia — This may be one of the most dangerous towns in Somalia, a place where you can get kidnapped faster than you can wipe the sweat off your brow...

Reporting in Boosaaso two weeks ago required no fewer than 10 hired gunmen provided by the Puntland government to discourage any would-be kidnappers.

Either way, these pirates have a great PR guy. How long before the first laid-off young Lehman Bros. bankers start turning up in Somalia? We'll give it three months. [Pic via]

Ms. Gatling reiterated statistics released this spring that found that five of the 16 ad agencies that signed on have not met all their minority-hiring goals in the first year of their diversity pact with the New York City Commission on Human Rights. However, the remaining agencies either met or exceeded all their 2007 goals...

The average goal was 18% for minority hiring and the average result was 25%, Ms. Gatling said.

Eleven out of sixteen means a majority! And this is certainly progress from two years ago:

During Advertising Week 2006, Mr. Seabrook had called hearings decrying minority-owned media outlets' lack of advertising, and nobody turned up. The agencies, Mr. Seabrook said at the time, "ran like chickens with their asses plucked clean."

If the ad industry can take care of this, then it can turn its attention to the gays. [Ad Age]

Lesson 1: Layoffs provide innovation, somehow. Message to clients:

Lesson 2: Keep this all quiet! From the FAQs:

Lesson 3: No, really. Keep this all quiet:

One note from Mr. Hollander reflected on the company's PR plans around the layoffs. He wrote, "This is a tough one. Since we're not opting to get out in front of the press, we will be left to defend. I think we may need to prepare for different contingencies depending on how they may hit us — because they will hit us. RISK assessment."

It's too much. Read it all at Ad Age.

We do feel sorry for whoever sent that email. ("Chief People Officer Rose Zory.")

Sanford Moore, whom Ad Age describes as an "industry gadfly," took the opportunity to slam every white-person excuse that ad agencies tend to offer for having a lack of black employees:

There are simply not enough black people interested in the industry. "We can find black people when we want to take money from black people," he said, pointing out that when general market agencies need help with minority work — and need to prove they have minorities on the account — they can produce black talent seemingly out of thin air.

Black people get frustrated and leave because of lack of support; there's no one in middle management. "There are men sitting in this room who'd jump at such jobs," answered Mr. Moore. "And where are all those interns from the 1970s and 1980s? Where did they go?"

We need better training for minority students; we need to establish a pipeline. "White people don't have a pipeline. They don't need a pipeline. Advertising is the last business where undereducated white people can make money. ... Advertising is made up of the bottom 12% of any MBA class. ... They get paid while we get screwed."

Contrast that with the media industry: full of overeducated white people who can't make money.

[Ad Age]

A tipster tells us that in the past two weeks, three Elle.com employees have given notice: beauty editor Rachael Nichol, designer Alexandra Gershman, and senior editor Tracy Lomrantz. Discontent is at an all time high. Hachette higher-ups reportedly keep running the site by trial and error, to the exasperation of longtime staffers.

We'll continue to watch. Disgruntled employees can always email us.

Obviously you know by now that yes, it's true, our little weekly that could has folded. I was part of the editorial staff, one of maybe 30, not counting advertising, production, photo, art, and other assorted staffers. Sorry I didn't email earlier but I've been having a pity party with my friends and a few bottles of wine and a big dose of "this economy sucks, sorry you have no job now." It's basically awesome. This morning I was worried about there being enough ice in the machine for an iced coffee and by 4:30 I was wondering how much unemployment actually pays out. The only good thing to be said is that Hearst is a great place to work for because as of now they seem to actually care about our fates. Cathie Black, the indomitable example of a woman, came to tell us the news herself. I just want to say that this isn't a magazine that had been counting the tolls until the final death knell, we have dedicated readers, an amazing staff and inspiring EIC in Susan Toepfer, and I actually enjoyed coming to work every day. It all sounds corny and too good to be true but in a world jaded and morally bankrupt, I felt good about doing my shit every day. Anyway, I'm rambling, but that's what you do I guess when you have no job and you like wine. Anyway Hearst is apparently going to try their best to get us situated. Good luck to all of us out there in the magazine world, it's a shit place to live and some of us happen to be in the toilet. Keep me anonymous just for the fun of it, and in case I do win the lottery and end up back at Hearst. Oh yeah and got a job for me? I'm pretty cute and I like words.

[Not sent by Cathie Black or Susan Toepfer, surprisingly!]

Editors at Mindworks will work five shifts a week for one month, performing layout for the community paper and editing some stories in the flagship Register, [deputy editor John] Fabris said. Staffing at the company will not be affected, he said...

"This is a small-scale test, which will not touch our local reporting or decision-making. Our own editors will oversee this work," Fabris said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. "In a time of rapid change at newspapers, we are exploring many ways to work efficiently while maintaining quality and improving local coverage."

The OC Register has already "been through three rounds of layoffs in the past year." So if you're a copy editor there now, I would recommend some fervent job-hunting starting now. Mindworks, the Indian firm, already does similar work for parts of the Miami Herald. Yes, they're a cost-saver; but can they compete with solid American production work? Yes they can. Despair.

[BW]

• Food: Can we get some free food up in here?
• Shut Up: Dude, you are old and we already know how to do this stupid job, so please just shut up.
• Don't Sweat It: Don't sweat it, man. We got it all under control. Don't freak out.
• Money: Pay us more, why don't you?
• Work: It totally sucks. Nothing you can do about it. Sorry.