UPDATE: Official response from Esquire's PR firm, Dan Klores Communications:

Hi Hamilton,
I saw your post on our December issue. I just wanted to note that the address label is in fact peelable, and if it gets stuck, there is an additional cover marker on page 8.
Just letting you know in case you want to correct your post.

There is no "peel" in the word "FUTURE."

The funniest thing so far today is the fact that Page Six reported this item with the "Won't Somebody Please Think of the Noble Press?" angle instead of the "Look at these whining, babied reporters" angle.

It was business as usual — all messed up — for six journalists from such upscale magazines as Forbes Life, Manhattan, and Prestige who were invited to experience the new luxury seats designed exclusively for first-class travel on Swissair. The junketeering journos found themselves booked into less luxurious business class both to and from Switzerland last week. Maybe the airline felt so many people are flying first-class these days, it didn't really need the press

I guess it's up to us, then? Hey everyone, look at these whining, babied reporters.


The Week is guaranteeing advertisers that their ads will test highly in consumer recall, or the magazine will keep running the ads for free until they do test well enough. This means, I think, The Week has plenty of extra ad space just lying around.


If you were waiting impatiently for the arrival of Esquire's latest bleepy technology doo-dad thingy, in the magazine, good news: It's here. Go look at it if you want, or not.


Conde Nast is planning to launch more of its titles in China, where the print magazine business is not such a god damn train wreck. We cannot mock them for this sound strategic move.

With the December issue of Esquire, all you do is fire up your computer, turn on the webcam, turn to the part of the magazine with those strange little black-and-white box-looking things, in ads or whatever, and point it at the webcam, and you will witness, right there on your screen, an uninteresting video. Says the WSJ:

A fashion spread about dressing in layers, for example, shows actor Jeremy Renner shedding a coat and sweater as the weather turns from rainy to sunny. Turning the magazine triggers a snow flurry, and Mr. Renner puts on more clothes and throws snowballs. Esquire says there are several minutes of video footage in the magazine

The ability to watch a moving-picture on your computer? The future is now. George Lois would be proud.

On Esquire.com today, Stephen Marche tries to explain the surge in vampire frenzy (see the Twilight books and movies, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and more) by saying it is fueled by girls' desires to bed down with their gay brothers.

Edward, the romantic hero of the Twilight series, is a sweet, screwed-up high school kid, and at the beginning of his relationship with Bella, she is attracted to him because he is strange, beautiful, and seemingly repulsed by her. This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn't figured out they were gay or were still in the closet. Twilight's fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that's the clincher.

It seems like Marche's argument has to do more with the awkward high school experience he remembers and less about how teenagers actually think today.

Many high school gay boys may still be the conflicted sexual messes of Marche's bad old awkward years. But kids are coming out younger and younger they are secure in their sexuality and not afraid to talk about it in high school. Teen girls are sad they won't go out with them, because their ideal boyfriend is one that will go shopping and watch Project Runway with them and not pressure them into sex. And because of social tolerance for homosexuality in high school hallways, this is becoming more of a reality.

Marche's essay does have one thing right, but the vampires in movies like Twilight and The Vampire Diaries and gay men are both desexualized in popular culture, but for different reasons. The young vampires are asexual because girls want someone who they can be in love with, but that won't pressure them into sex—someone who is almost attainable but won't threaten to drive a stake through their precious hymens. Gay men are robbed of anything erotic because the public as a whole still thinks that man-on-man action is "yucky." The 'mos are OK, as long as they're making bitchy quips about bad outfits, but as soon as they want to make out, they have to go back to their ghetto to misbehave.

Gay men are still considered monsters by many in society, but that certainly isn't the case for teen girls. They have been raised on a Queer Eye culture that certainly makes teen girls desire gay men, but not as playmates in bicurious spin the bottle. They want an "accessory gay"—just like every Real Housewife—the kind that populate countless television make over shows. Even America's Next Top Model co-host Miss J Alexander won a Teen Choice Award in the "Fabulous" category. Your petite princess' pocket gay will tell her how fiiiiieeeerrrce she looks, let her bitch about boys, give her makeup tips, and never threaten her as the star of the show.

Base:
She: Daily Beast
He: Esquire

Duration:
She: 3 Weeks
He: 2 Weeks

Stated Reason for Stunt: ("Poor Writer Does Oblvious Movie Star Stuff as Easy Formula" is implicit)
She: Seeks"an effort to understand this complex star."
He: Seeks to "break down the sanity of the Goop life, from common sense to madness."

Make:
She: 3 kinds of chocolate chip cookies, sugar-free banana nut muffins, turkey ragu, a grand, multi-Holiday feast.
He: Smoothies, soups, "Chicken with Onions, Lemon and Saffron",

Go:
She: A Mario Batali restaurant Gwynnie likes
He: Acupuncture

Get:
She: Leggings
He: Tinted under-eye moisturizer

Do:
She: ReadsCrime and Punishment, gives herself a sugar-and-coffee scrub, drinks 2 tablespoons of EVOO nightly, does a Seven-Day Detox, gives up "white foods (bread, pasta), preserved foods (chips, cookies), toxic foods (candy, ice cream), and foods containing heavy metals", negativity.

He: Reads The Sheltering Sky , gives to charity, does same Detox, acupuncture, dance cardio workouts, attempts organic-only eating, gives up "dairy, gluten, meat, shellfish, condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and an entire class of food (tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, and peppers) called nightshades."

Be:
She: Practices the African philosophy of ubuntu
He: Listens to Deepak Chopra

Breakthrough:
She: "And then, like magic, at some point in the middle of week two, I stopped noticing what an unbelievable hassle it was to follow this ridiculous plan. My ear adjusted to Gwyneth's affect, and rather than guffawing at some of her more outlandish suggestions, I found myself intrigued by the $249 Voltaic Solar Backpack and her recommendation to "take your drinking water to the next level" with a $900 alkaline filtration system. What vegan shoe designer does Cameron Diaz recommend? I suddenly wanted to know."

He: "Yet... after four or five days, I noticed a change. I stopped craving coffee. I felt a steady stream of energy all day long. There was, in fact, a spring in my step. My mind wasn't quite as sharp as it used to be, and I had trouble concentrating during meetings, but physically speaking, I felt recharged."

Amusing Failures:
She: gives up the detox after a couple of days; doesn't have time for all the recipes, and can't afford anything.
He: Embarrasses himself dancing and is seen and mocked by neighborhood children; takes an unmanly interest in various effete things.

Conclusions:
She:

There's a lot to scoff at here, but the three weeks I spent following GOOP were pure joy. Expensive, inconvenient and totally unsustainable-yes, but also full of unexpected pleasures...She may be tone-deaf and full of wacky ideas about food and religion, but she really just wants everyone to feel as good as she does. On a few occasions, I think I got close. My GOOP plan began with cynicism and failure, and by the end, I was cooking a giant pan-holiday dinner party with recipes from Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and Valentine's Day for my boyfriend, three girlfriends, and Rue McClanahan of The Golden Girls.

He:

At the end of this two-week experiment, I can report, without qualification or caveat, that I felt very, very good. I was sleeping better. I had more energy. I'd lost nine pounds. Revolutionary or not, Gwyneth's way worked, and if it worked for this sinner, it could work for anybody. Case closed..And yet. I wasn't having much fun. (I like to eat red meat and drink too much at parties. It makes me happy.) I wasn't doing well at work - maybe it's because I was drinking less caffeine, but I was more reserved in meetings and a little slower on the uptake. I was also quite a bit poorer than when I started out.

Conclusions: It was interesting to see the contrast in the approaches. Although both tried to be open-minded, the dude was clearly more skeptical about the whole endeavor, and found the lifestyle more of a departure. Perhaps most important, he found the whole thing kind of embarrassing. She, on the other hand, even as she bemoaned the unachievable nature of many of Gwyneth's recommendations, got into the spirit of it. In a way this makes sense: Gwynnie's a woman, and Goop's base is, presumably, female. (And if we're more prone to suggestions, tips, advice, self-help, this also implies an open-mindedness, and an ability to take the good.) What they both took away from the stunt was common sense: eat better, drink water, think positive. Do you need self-congratulatory trappings and oblivious stars to tell you this? No. But, hey, if people are taking something good away from it, fine. Both these pieces kind of read like a fable: they have to make a long, absurd journey only to find what was always there in front of them. And while that makes me think that Goop is a waste of time, Gwyneth would probably have a quote about paths and roads and moisturizer that some people would rather hear - and that the rest of us can mock. What did these pieces teach us? Nothing. Or, as Goop would have it, everything.

The Goop Matrix [Esquire]

My Life As Gwyneth [Daily Beast]

At left In this picture taken near Grand Central Station is an as-the-good-lord-made-her Bar Refaeli on the cover of Esquire. At right is dirty, dirty pornography. Below is the uncensored GQ cover. You can't even see his penis!The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

The profile details Ellis' move to L.A. and comes in the middle of his writing the "sequel" to his first book, Less Than Zero (which made him a literary superstar at the age of 20), which is tentatively titled Imperial Bedrooms. The article - which isn't avalible online - paints Ellis as kind of sad and living a very existential, somewhat disconnected life. Also, he thinks The Hills is genius. The full quote, transcribed from print:

He is, however-and on this subject, he is highly animated-a huge fan of MTV's scripted reality series of the young and the monied in L.A., THE HILLS. "I think THE HILLS is the greatest show I have ever seen in my life," he says, sincerely. "It is a modern masterpiece. I think that ADAM DeVILLO is a mad genius. He creates it and controls it perfectly." Mr. ELLIS is very specific about the way he watches THE HILLS. "I'm holding off on Season 4 right now. I started watching a bit of it, but I'm waiting until the DVD comes out because I want to see it all so beautifully mastered. Even if you download the show there is that irritating MTV logo in the corner. It doesn't work for me that way. It has to be on a big screen with the sound right up. It blows me away...I'm sorry, but whoever invented HEIDI MONTAG and SPENCER PRATT are just...nothing matches it. I've never see L.A. look more beautiful in a work of art. There are no movies that are as beautiful as that."

This is why I'm never moving to L.A. Just like The City is why you should never move to New York.

He was also, interestingly enough, called out on a social networking site on a date going out ("BRET ELLIS is not a fan of social-networking sites. He has been "caught out" by someone on a dating site, though understandable doesn't care to flesh out that story. He won't try it again.").

Thing is, this makes an interesting point that I've never really considered before. The Hills is the tame, boring drug-less version of Less Than Zero (note to Hills producers: show them doing blow, and I'll watch). A bunch of severely disaffected brats, fucking around with their parents' money, creating an awe-inspiring charade of lives inextricably tied to the celebrity culture of Hollywood. This raises the question: was Less Than Zero the predecessor to The Hills? Do we blame Ellis for Speidi? Is Paul Telegdy off the hook today?

Meanwhile, Fantastic Man, which could be a test-tube baby between Esquire and McSweeny's, is kind of a fascinating product. It's a giant, pretty magazine with nice pages and a strange sense of humor. It costs $11. And it has Bret Easton Ellis on the cover, drinking a Diet Coke. This should tell you what kind of magazine it is: at once both kind of genius and a complete waste of one's time. I love it.

For example, in one issue, there is:

- A 1,000 word essay from the Editor-In-Chief of Interview on waking up with a hangover in Paris.

- A 1,000 word treatise on the greatness that is toast.

- A designation of the word "Super" as their word of the season. This is written on their masthead.

- A selection of single meals art-world people have had recently (one of them: pervy photog Terry Richardson's meal of a vegetarian burrito from Pinche Taqueria in New York. "For dessert, he had a pack of sour Skittles, also very 'yum yum.'").

- And a cover story featuring Bret Easton Ellis with nothing to promote. Did we mention he was drinking a Diet Coke?

If you haven't already read Carr's piece, and we highly suggest that you do, here's the gist of it: One night last week, Carr went out to two parties in the city. One was the New York Observer's farewell to longtime editor Peter Kaplan, the other was an Internet Week-themed event hosted by Guest of a Guest and College Humor. What Carr reported on in his story were basically his thoughts and feelings as he experienced them stepping into these two seemingly diametrically opposed parts of the modern media world on the same night.

The two parties and the people who inhabited them could not have been more different existing within the same ecosystem. The Observer party for Kaplan was held at a swanky Fifth Avenue locale in Midtown, the Century Club, that's long been a favorite haunt of big name New York City writers and journalists. The other party, the Guest of a Guest/College Humor party, was held on the rooftop of a chic hotel, the Hotel on Rivington, on the Lower East Side.

At the Observer party, Carr made note of the "aura of elegy" that seemed to be hanging in the room over the course of the night. At the Guest of a Guest/College Humor party, Carr noted that there was "no elegy on the roof deck of the hotel, only thumping techno, a hot tub and hordes of young people staring at the lights of Midtown in the distance."

Again, two opposite worlds existing within the same ecosystem feeding off the same food sources, one which appears to be dying slowly with each passing day, the other growing and thriving rather vibrantly.

We highlight David Carr's column today not for any reason other than it struck us as a simple but poignant portrait of the state of media today. We felt sort of moved by it, and we can easily see it being something that will be read in the future as a sort of stick in the historical water showing exactly where the tide of the media world was at this moment in time. It was, we think, an incredibly accurate and somewhat moving snapshot.

With all of that said, we have to add that reading Carr's piece made us feel a bit sad. As we write this, we're surrounded by remnants of the old media world. Strewn all about the floor around us are copies of the New York Times, New York Post, Wall Street Journal, and New York Daily News, not to mention the latest copies of Esquire, Rolling Stone, and the New Yorker, as well as a couple of recently purchased books. We love all of these things, we love the way they feel to the touch and the way we feel inside when we touch them, and each day we try to wrap our brains around life without them, but we just can't seem to do it. On the flip side, we're completely ingrained into the tapestry of the internet, the very beast most often credited for the ongoing decimation of the old media world, so we obviously have a huge stake in the survival of the new media world as well.

In short, we're torn over all of this. We wish we were smart enough to come up with a solution that would allow both worlds to coexist and thrive, but we just can't seem to do it, nor does anyone else seem to have a viable answer at this point. We also realize that things die and that these things dying is hard to accept and is often the cause of tremendous grief, even though the death of these things usually means that some other things will be granted lives. Regardless of how hard it is to accept the possible outcomes, it will certainly be interesting to see how all of this plays out in the future.

The one thing we are sure of is this—-That David Carr, though we don't always agree with him, is one of the best around at chronicling what is taking place right now within the modern media ecosystem.

In One City, Two Soirees Ages Apart [New York Times]

Time's cover story this week: "The New Frugality." Businessweek's cover story, 10/20/08: "The New Frugality." Hmmm.


On a panel last night, media beef-starter Michael Wolff said the following things: 80% of newspapers will be dead by the end of next year, TV networks will soon have minuscule audiences, Time Warner and all other media conglomerates will cease to exist in five years, and photographers are talentless hacks. We'll throw in one: Michael Wolff will be voted "Most Popular Guy in Media" in the next seventeen minutes.


Following a disastrous first quarter, the NYT Co's CFO says that "a good part" of the company's job cuts this year are "behind us," and severance cuts shouldn't be as bad as last year. Which, upon review, means very little.

The publisher of Portfolio explains that if you think the magazine is not doing well just because it lost half its advertising and cut back to ten issues, you're not looking at the big picture: "Versus our initial audit statement, total circ is up 19 percent and paid is up 43 percent. And the rate base is up 14 percent. Our success is not judged on ad pages. The questions we respond to are ‘Is the magazine relevant? Is it becoming a part of the culture? Are readers renewing?' That's what we're being judged on." If circ ever declines, look for Li to say they're being judged on good binding, glossiness of paper, and the mere existence of the magazine.


Former Conde Nast editorial director James Truman has taken a new gig consulting for a custom publisher, but his real passion is his magic circus company. Good for him, we say!

A finance blogger thinks that Esquire will fold before the end of next year. We don't think he's right, and his reasoning is incomplete, and we'd like to defend Esquire here, but then they have to go and issue an apology for telling guys to learn how to curse well by calling someone a "shit-sniffing faggot." Which is just not acceptable in 2009, unless you can sell advertising against it.


A true outrage at Newsweek—a tipster writes: "I work in the Newsweek building on 57th street. The bathroom on my floor has a noxious odor coming from it and despite multiple complaints to building management, we have been told that they will not address it because we will be moving...in over a month. The odor is a combination of sewage and gasoline.
The building has already changed the address so that mail does not arrive and does not seem concerned that we are working in a construction zone, which requires security guards to wear face masks; but this is unacceptable. We work for 9 hours a day, and to not be able to go to the bathroom is unheard of!" Hey just hold it in, we're in a recession!

A tipster tells us the magazine had a sales meeting, and it wasn't pretty. According to our tipster: Publisher Kevin O'Malley told the staff that even though Esquire did (very relatively) better than rival GQ last quarter, it wasn't good enough—he wants them to be picking up the market share lost by Portfolio and Best Life. Other complaints: GQ got more National Magazine Award nominations, and some high end advertisers think Esquire is becoming too "gimmicky." Which it is!

Remember the magazine's flashing "E-Ink" cover last year, that was supposed to be the start of a revolution? Supposedly Ford was so upset with the execution of its ad on the inside cover that it wanted credit back. Financially, our tipster characterizes last year as a "disaster," and says this year will be even worse. They say there is huge pressure to deliver a big issue in September (the "video issue"), although no one sounds very optimistic.

There's also a rumor going around among Esquire staffers that Hearst might shutter or sell Esquire and Popular Mechanics and "focus solely on the female demographic." We ran this by a Hearst PR person, who dismissed it as "Blatantly false."

UPDATE: Another Esquire spokesperson sent us this additional statement [in fairness—our tipster may be referring to a compilation of issues at the magazine rather than ones that were specifically discussed in a single meeting]:

"The rumors in your item are patently untrue. There was no such meeting yesterday. A sales meeting took place on Tuesday, but there was no 'chewing out,' and not one thing mentioned in this article was discussed."

UPDATE 2: We also received this email from Jay Ward of Ford's public affairs dept., saying the company was not unhappy with its Esquire ad:

I write to you from Ford Motor Company with regards to the story you ran today regarding Esquire and the E-Ink cover. In the article, you claim that Ford was so upset with the E-Ink execution on the inside cover that we wanted credit back.

I would like to very clearly state on behalf of Ford Motor Company that this was not the case. Indeed, the opposite is true. We were delighted with the E-Ink cover and the huge amount of coverage we got on a worldwide basis for the innovation. The reason we partnered with Esquire in the first place was to do something that had never been done before to promote a car that was a real departure from the norm for Ford. As such, the E-Ink application was exactly what we had in mind when we first planned the advertising campaign, and our partnership with Esquire was one that we were, and still are, delighted with.

On a broader note, we continue to advertise with Esquire and many of the Hearst publications and remain committed to the work that they do - they continue to deliver the audience that we at Ford want to be reaching out to and we see no reason that this stance will change in the future.

[As always, if you'd like to leak some dirt about your magazine, email us.]

Maxim's UK edition is folding its print product and going online only next month. Men's magazines are now in a position as precarious as porn magazines.


Delta is going to start selling its in-flight magazine, Sky, at news stands for $3.99. What?


Michael Wolff is fighting back! He's writing (we're guessing) a super bitchy article for Vanity Fair about his experience being smeared in the NY Post over the whole Floethe affair thing. Could the Michael Wolff- NYP beef continue until every last participant in the saga is physically unable to type, due to advanced arthritis and dementia? It's possible.


Esquire is like, the world leader in advanced gadgetry on magazine covers. They had that blinkety-bloop flashing plastic cover of the future, and now they have a mix-n-match cover of Obama, Clooney, and Timberlake, the technology of which hasn't been seen since rudimentary jigsaw puzzles were invented. Here's how they did it. [Vid via Ad Age]

Television has been distracting people from the written word long before the Internet came along. And while the Internet has been good for reading, it's mostly encourage the consumption of short-form writing.

Print is a much better way to read long chunks of text — fewer distractions, easier on the eyes, portable from room to room, etc. — and to the extent the Kindle replicates these technological advantages, it is basically a crippled laptop.

But Granger imagines an e-reader that advances beyond the "crude" Kindle. He thinks better technology will do the trick:

... as electronic readers improve, as they add graphics and design and, eventually, color, even more people will opt for the more sustained, contemplative experiences more often. And all will be well with the world.

What he forgets: The Kindle has a built-in Web browser, though few people use it because the Web is not particularly attractive in black-and-white. If it adds color, won't people inevitably use it to read websites, and thus fewer books, just like they do on PCs? There goes Granger's theory out the window.

We suspect he has another reason for touting the Kindle, though. Hearst, the owner of Esquire is working on its own e-reader. By paying the Kindle such a backhanded compliment — right idea, wrong device — Granger is carrying water for his publisher's business interests. And not for the first time.

Hearst has invested in E Ink, a Cambridge startup whose low-power screen technology is used in both the Kindle and Hearst's planned reader. E Ink appeared on a splashy, Granger-praised Esquire cover last year. Perhaps this E Ink-stained wretch has even handled the product he envisions killing the Kindle? If so, it's too bad Granger won't tell his readers how much he loves that, too.

I'm gonna go ahead and say friend, if only because his going rogue at Fox and deciding to mostly just report the news objectively (albeit while yelling) is a noble (if pointless) effort to steer the cable news net back toward the gummy middle. Plus he's fiery and angry enough while defending his supposed non-bias that he's still got a streak of the occasionally-fun Fox crazy running through him:

"But we are under intense scrutiny because of our opinion shows. Are there people who want the news done a certain way? You bet there are, and some are in this building. But they don't affect what I do. The inner pressure and outer pressure that everyone thinks exists doesn't. When I hear people say that Fox News is right wing, I know that's not true, because I'm the one doing the news. It's my show, and there's no place for opinion on my show. It's uninteresting to me. I don't care what Sean Hannity thinks and I don't care what Alan Colmes thinks and I guarantee they don't care what I think and they don't know, either. You know what's interesting to me? What's interesting to me is that the thing people want to know about is the part on which I spend absolutely no time."

Because They Hate Shepard Smith and They Want Him to Fail [Esquire]

The jaunty men's magazine has an ad on its new issue that is under a flap, on the front cover, right underneath Barack Obama's face. Is that even legal? Ha, not only is it legal, it's the future of magazines! Why should all those fractions of millimeters between the fraction of unsellable cover space and the first of 38 ad pages that lead off the magazine go unsold? And the idea for this came not from a marketing person, but straight from Esquire's editor, David Granger.

Including ads with those new types of covers was necessary, Mr. Granger said, because “the reality of the world is that if I want to do things that are adventurous editorially, to pay for them we have to find partners to share costs.”

The revenue that this ad produced will go towards wardrobe costs for Esquire's upcoming cover story, "Men in Adventurous Scarves."

[Story and pic via NYT]

First he reminds us why this won't happen:

But alas, the answer from Camp Obama was — as it has been for years — a flat one-liner: "President-elect Obama is not in favor of the legalization of marijuana." And at least two of Obama's top people are drug-war supporters: Rahm Emanuel has been a long-time enemy of reform, and Joe Biden is a drug-war mainstay who helped create the position of "drug czar."

BUT! He says! Obama will still probably decriminalize it, quietly, in his second term. Because some guy from NORML said he's cautiously optimistic. Dream on, hippies! Drug war 4-eva!

Some choice selections from the interview (is that what it is?) with the proto-fameball reality smear:

I was the oldest granddaughter. Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it's what I knew I wanted to do—be a blond icon.

I don't know why everyone wants to be famous. To make a living, I guess. Maybe they think it's an easy job.

Once I've worn a dress, I can never wear it again. I give them to charities and they auction them off to help people with breast cancer, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS. Some that are really, really special, I keep in storage for my daughters. They'll be vintage by then. I think my daughters will love them.

The best thing I've ever bought with money is my house. I call it my Paris Palace. It's beautiful. Every room has beautiful crystal chandeliers and amazing moldings from Italy. When people come over they say, "Hey, this looks just like you."

Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don't need to go out.

Why Paris? Why now?

Whatever. Merry Christmas!

What I've Learned: Paris Hilton [Esquire]

Aside from the cost of maintaining such a high circulation, Newsweek would like to transition from newsmagazine to “thought leader,” something more akin to the Economist. “[Editor Jon] Meacham and [Time editorial director Richard] Stengel are both infatuated with the Economist,” the source said. “To get that ‘thought leader’ position, a million is the sweet spot.”

Newsweek isn't so much a business, you see, as a think tank. Being a large magazine is sort of gauche when you're trying to be a "thought leader," we imagine.

Then there's Esquire, whose ad pages have fallen further than competitors GQ and Details this year, but which Giorgio Armani totally gets, and hey don't forget the flashing electronic ink cover (look! something shiny!).

Sigh. Well, there's no getting through the holidays without a lot of denial, really. Same with a media depression, apparently.

(Photo via Kafka via b_d_solis on Flickr via the hands of our own Owen Thomas.)

The thing is, Chris Jones is not alone in his bromantic feelings towards Vince's golden acreage. To most "dudes," Vince Vaughn is the kind of guy they want to befriend, or even better, the kind of guy they want to be. He was even given the "The Golden Mantlers" and inducted into the Guy's Hall of Fame by Spike TV. But why has the dude demographic, a demographic which is generally not comfortable with expressing same sex affection, professed its undying love for this gargantuan funnyman? We parsed the Esquire article and figured it out.

1. He's good looking, but not too good looking, and certainly not girly looking. He's a big hunka virile man.

His hair rises like a wave above the low-tide beach that is his forehead. (He calls it his fivehead.) His face is full, puffy enough to make him sometimes look as though he's fighting to keep his eyes open—not as though he's just woken up but as though he's never bothered to go to bed in the first place. it.

2. Vaughn dresses like a slob and is still able to pull down famous, quality ladies, like Jennifer Aniston, Joey Lauren Adams, and by some accounts Cameron Diaz.

He wears a pair of old-school Nike sneakers that could be used as war canoes. About…Even from across this crowded restaurant, it's possible to see a jumbo slice of Vaughn's naked belly. It's too much to ignore, this great golden acreage, because he leads with it and because it's probably been kissed by Jennifer Aniston, standing on her tippy-toes. The man doesn't just occupy airspace; he fills it.

3. And speaking of ladies! Vaughn makes sorta lame frattish jokes a lot but he's good natured enough to get away with it. Like this conversation between Vince and bff Jon Favreau. Didja know? Wives are naggy and annoying!

"Are you done having kids?" Vaughn asks.
"Yeah, I'm done."
"You're not going to pull the goalie ever again?"
"No. Joy says, 'It's wife number two if you want more kids.' "
"Then you would have to move to, like, some Islamic country where you could have another wife," Vaughn says.
"Or nowhere. I could do the Hollywood thing, just hit reset."
"Or you could move into Warren Jeffs territory."
"I could set up a compound?"
"Yeah," Vaughn says, "a compound. That was so disturbing. You see all these little girls who look like extras from Little House on the Prairie. It's like Half Pint's been putting out for everybody. . . . "
"Polygamy seems appealing," Favreau says, "but then I've been watching that show Big Love, and you realize it's the same headaches."
"It's triple the headaches. Triple the nagging. Triple the question, What are you thinking?"
"Yeah, one marriage is enough," Favreau says.

4. But finally, the reason so many dudes love Vince Vaughn is because underneath all that golden-hued bluster, he's really just a sad clown. Dudes can wholeheartedly get behind Vaughn because he's not confident 100% of the time. Even the most hardened bro needs to shed a tear every now and again.

Just then, Vince Vaughn looks the way a big man looks when someone stands up to him for the first time in his life. He looks like a man who knows that he can cover only so much ground, that even giants have their limits. He looks like a man who knows he will have to pick a side. He looks suddenly smaller. He still looks a lot like Vince Vaughn, only built to scale.

Vince Vaughn: The Biggest Man In The Room [Esquire]

[Craigslist]

VINCE VAUGHN LOOKS A LOT LIKE VINCE VAUGHN, ONLY BIGGER...His face is full, puffy enough to make him sometimes look as though he's fighting to keep his eyes open—not as though he's just woken up but as though he's never bothered to go to bed in the first place. His shirt is open at the collar, probably because it has to be. It's also open at the waist. Even from across this crowded restaurant, it's possible to see a jumbo slice of Vaughn's naked belly. It's too much to ignore, this great golden acreage, because he leads with it and because it's probably been kissed by Jennifer Aniston, standing on her tippy-toes.

Yes, well, that's surely a mental image that won't go away! However, the writer is not yet done pounding home Vaughn's bloat. Gorge on these excerpts:

· He's the biggest man in the room. And because of his size, and because he inherited from his salesman father a competitive streak as well as a knack for volume business, he is voracious in his appetites (steak and lobster and creamed spinach) and his desires (to be loved).

· He sinks deeper into the couch, exhausted by his lies.

· There is only one question that Vaughn will answer without reservation. He answered it the night before, at the steakhouse, underscoring every elaborately constructed sentence, paragraph, and punctuation mark with a forkful of lobster meat...

· He swells up and starts shouting again.

· Favreau shows up and Vaughn makes room for him on the couch. He's just wearing a T-shirt and jeans, sucking on a mint for lunch, ready to go to work. It's funny seeing them like this, the two guys from Swingers at their ten-year reunion, a little older, a little fatter, a little tired-seeming and wrung out.

· And just then, Vince Vaughn looks the way a big man looks when someone stands up to him for the first time in his life.

"...Like a fat dude caught stuffing cake in his mouth," right? We're just guessing!

• Vince graces the cover of Esquire magazine [Vince-Vaughn.com]