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executions
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executions
executions
The Art of Drowning
Every so often, usually on Fridays, I see someone post a comment along the lines of, "This is execution bait," or "Ketch hasn't filled his quota yet," or "I am allowed to behave like a feckless prat in the comments because the subject matter of this post is sensitive." I don't really have a problem with the first two sample quotes, but I think that they lead to the third. In a way, I am thankful. Anyone addled enough to believe that their racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts are welcome simply because the subject matter of a post deals with someone else's racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts is clearly not long for this commenting world. However, I worry that some of the soon-to-be-deceased see the suggestion of "baiting" as their invitation to be annoying. And that is, well, really annoying. To clarify: no one is asking you to be offensive, ever. Anyways, on to the bloodshed! More »
commenter executions
Of Death and Catapults
Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours. More »
Wednesday Morning Execution
shilohcool: Misuse of quotation marks, misuse and misspelling of "esoterica."
shilohcool: Misuse of quotation marks, misuse and misspelling of "esoterica."
executions
The Beginning of Summer, The End of Some of You
This weekend marks the official beginning of summer. People will be celebrating in various ways. Some of you have been celebrating this summer's eve in a, heh, literal manner, meaning you've been unnecessarily rude or crude or just plain dead wrong—we're trying to raise the level of discourse here—this week, you'll meet your warm, sunny doom after the jump. More »
executions
Bad Luck For Some of You
From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part. More »
Mid-week heat wave commenter executions
Whatnottowear for not getting a "joke" so old and obvious that we're embarrassed every time we make it, which is like daily. And Durannie, not for the sexism so much as for the telegram-like use of broken English. Nothing personal! Just been one of those weeks.
Whatnottowear for not getting a "joke" so old and obvious that we're embarrassed every time we make it, which is like daily. And Durannie, not for the sexism so much as for the telegram-like use of broken English. Nothing personal! Just been one of those weeks.
executions
Yes You Can Die on the Weekend
Well, so, I got a little tiny bit pissed off earlier today. And while I was sinking into bleakly brooding, instead of swimming and frolicking, I pondered what on earth I could do about it. Almost everyone here is totally cool and funny, and we all appreciate that. But for those of you who seriously just cannot chill, I've come up with a new, special death for you. I call it, Weekend Death. More »
Simple Decency
Sorry I Was Away... Bad Mood
Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following. More »
executions
The Guns Fell Silent. Mostly.
Hello commenters. Our Jack Ketch is away on a vacation of sorts this week, so he was not able to supply us with a list of the damned. I guess we'll just have to improvise. People were on mostly good behavior this week, save for a few rapscallions who made uncalled for attacks on our sister site Jezebel. They've had their knuckles rapped and have atoned, so we'll let them live to see another day. But we know how you love a public execution, so we've scraped together a couple of sorry souls who will perish for your amusement, after the jump. More »
executions
Holy Hell, The Holes You Dig Are Wholly Stultifying
As Mother Ketch, god rest her soul (I killed her), always said, "The world needs ditch diggers, too." I never did fancy she meant commenters. Ones who make a stupid comment, then get themselves in deeper trouble by either constantly defending their stupidity, or being stupider. It's like watching a performance art piece, if "art" was defined as "displaying a lack of cognitive function and/or social decency." Follow me after the jump, and witness two doomed souls considerate enough to dig their own graves. More »
salutes
A Memorial Day Message
Memorial Day. A holiday to honor those who selflessly (well, except for the ones who were drafted and/or not all that into the whole dying thing) gave their lives in battle. We do this through the grilling of meats, the quaffing of ale, and laying the foundation for malignant skin cancer. In my time, we had no Memorial Day, mostly because we were too busy trying to eke out a meager existence to give a shite about how many men the King lost in John Churchill's latest endeavor at cementing his legacy as the greatest military commander in Christendom. (It's not like he had to kill people AND write a post about it every Friday, but whatevs.) In October, we would commemorate our victory at Agincourt where we opened a cask of whoopass on the French, but that's not the same as this austere holiday now upon us. Regardless, in honor of this holiday of yours, no one shall be killed today. More »
public executions
Why Do You People Force Me To Hurt You?
Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.
executions
Butchering The Butch-Haters
Last night, as I settled into my favorite chair, the one upholster'd with the skin of ill-temper'd puppies, I was content. Her Grace Sheila had taken care of some unpleasantness earlier, and I thought my work was done for the week. I was content to merely sharpen my axe and watch the uneven yet amusing season finale of The Office. But I was interrupted by the incessant vibrations of my Blackberry. (Lovely technologickal advances in 2008.) All these elecotronick letters pointed me to the same post. It seems that some of you just don't get it. Here at Gawker, we don't anonymously slander the physical appearance of others. If you continue to feel it necessary to mock those you find unattractive, you will no longer be welcome here. However, mocking the stupid things that people do is wholly encouraged. For instance, feel free to dance on the graves of the sodding twits listed after the jump. More »
executions
Those Who Do Not Listen Will Be Executed
Bet you thought I was too nice to do this, huh? Well, I warned you. I warned that all fat-mockers of the Lucian Freud painting would be executed. And unlike the clean-fingered technicians of war, sitting in their laboratoriess building weapons of mass destruction, I'm not afraid to get blood on my hands. Doolittle—yours was a minor infraction, to be sure. But everyone else was so well-behaved—and, you sorta asked for it! (P.S.: No, I'm not Ketch. I just feel like putting down some law and order.)
executions
An Ugly Business
Here at the gay liberal art school grad white people headquarters, we are, to a man, (or woman if you care to whine about such things) flawlessly beautiful gay liberal art school grad white people. Most of the time, this is wonderful. What could be better than a salon of erudite and sexy conversants, even if some of them are zombified and utterly annoying exhibitionists? It is a shame, therefore, that some of you have to be witless fops and find your insults of the appearance of others to be contributions most valid. More »
executions
Jack Ketch Proffers An Explanation
A few days yore, as I was sifting through
Surprise Executions!
Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.
Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.
